half_ofa_heart Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Last night I failed at NC and must start all over again. I was on day 13. Yesterday I finally got up enough courage to block him from IM and my cell. On my way home, he sent me an email telling me he is trying to let me be but is wondering if he has lost his best friend forever. LATE last night fighting back tears, I responded to his email. I told him I was doing what I had to do to move on and that the pain of remaining friends was just way too much to ask of me. That he lost me as a friend the day that I fell in love with him - once I went down that road, I could never go back. Told him I gave him everything that he was missing in his marriage and his wife got all the benefits. Told him I deserve better. I'm sitting at my desk at work and there are two voice mail messages from him and I don't think I'm strong enough to listen to them. I knew blocking him from calling me wasn't going to stop him. He has so many ways of getting thru to me. We work for the same company but not in the same buildings. This is a HARD day for me.
pureinheart Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Last night I failed at NC and must start all over again. I was on day 13. Yesterday I finally got up enough courage to block him from IM and my cell. On my way home, he sent me an email telling me he is trying to let me be but is wondering if he has lost his best friend forever. LATE last night fighting back tears, I responded to his email. I told him I was doing what I had to do to move on and that the pain of remaining friends was just way too much to ask of me. That he lost me as a friend the day that I fell in love with him - once I went down that road, I could never go back. Told him I gave him everything that he was missing in his marriage and his wife got all the benefits. Told him I deserve better. I'm sitting at my desk at work and there are two voice mail messages from him and I don't think I'm strong enough to listen to them. I knew blocking him from calling me wasn't going to stop him. He has so many ways of getting thru to me. We work for the same company but not in the same buildings. This is a HARD day for me. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))), I went through that...exDM had many ways of accessing me also. I don't know what to say...although if you have asked him to respect your wishes of NC because he is M and won't make a decision, then that is not good. I apologize as I don't know your entire story...he needs to respect your wishes...this to me is the deal breaker. Please stay strong no matter what...
Author half_ofa_heart Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 I'm finding this day to be the hardest. He called me at work again and this time I answered. How can he continue to tell me he loves me while staying with this wife??? How can he shed tears for me and go home to his wife??? He has promised me that he will not call or contact me again and will respect my wishes but he wanted to let me know that he will always be thinking of me and that if I ever needed to talk to him to just call. And, of course, that he loves me and always will. WTF???? The pain today is overwhelming. All I want to do is go to bed and fall into a deep sleep.
TigerCub Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 (((HOAH)))) Sorry you're hurting sweetie. Look, he may love you but he's putting you through so much pain with every phone call, every email, by not respecting your wishes he keeps digging into your wounds. I know how hard it is for you and I'm so sorry for you pain. But I think that if you really wanted him to leave you alone - you might have to get angry, and not just be sad. If he tries to contact you again, maybe you need to tell him "Well buddy, talk is cheap, you say you love me, but you go home to her everyday. Maybe you need to stop being a coward and pick a side and stick to it, and if you insist on disrespecting my wishes for you to leave me alone - I guess I'll need to have a chat with your wife" Honestly sweetie, that's gonna be such a harsh thing to do - especially since you miss him and feel so much pain because you love him, but if you really need him to leave you alone so you can heal - you might have to take the pissed off route because the sobbing and getting so caught up in the hurt he's caused you isn't going to help you move on. I wish you all the best
calliope Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 We work together in a very small office. Shift work so we don't always see each other, but we're both there nevertheless. I hurt for you - I'm in the same place...
Mimolicious Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Not familiar with your dramz but as TC suggested- TELL HIS WIFE! How convenient for him! To go around playing with someone else's emotions and feeding is ego by not letting you be, yet he goes home to his wife. Again, not sure what the story is here but if she doesn't know they she should be told. She should know the kind of clown she is married to. Wish you well and keep your head up. This will pass...
TigerCub Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Not familiar with your dramz but as TC suggested- TELL HIS WIFE! TC didn't quite suggest that - I suggested threatening him with it in order to get him to leave her alone and stop popping up and hurting her healing process. But yeah - honestly, if all he's doing is causing you more pain HOAH and he's not going to respect your wishes - it might come down to that - I hope it doesn't because that would cause soooooooo much drama - but he needs to leave you alone, if that is what you truly want.
Author half_ofa_heart Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 Here is my story if you're interested: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255471/ His wife ALMOST found out and we were able to convince her it wasn't true. I agree that I have to get mean if he doesn't respect me now. I will keep plugging along and with each day of NC I do get stronger so I'm starting over today. Thank you all so much for your support - I still just want to crawl into bed. Hardest part is my kids have no idea what's making me sad. What did I get myself into?!?!
siuys Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Hugs, heart. Don't beat yourself up. I was where you are just last week. What have I learnt from the last breaking of NC? That I can NOT do things based on what he does or does not do. I must do what's best for me MYSELF and deal with his actions separately. Simple but not easy to do. Crawl into bed if you have to. God knows how many times I have done that. Try to pick yourself up and take it a day at a time. You know what is best for you, however painful. It may take you a few attempts to get there, but who is to say that is bad? At least you're trying. You'll get there. Soon you will find the strength to ignore him and not put up with mere words anymore. All the best.
calliope Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Here is my story if you're interested: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255471/ His wife ALMOST found out and we were able to convince her it wasn't true. I agree that I have to get mean if he doesn't respect me now. I will keep plugging along and with each day of NC I do get stronger so I'm starting over today. Thank you all so much for your support - I still just want to crawl into bed. Hardest part is my kids have no idea what's making me sad. What did I get myself into?!?! Just read your story and it broke my heart. Almost identical to mine. I've never had feelings for anyone like this before. We were building an emotional/friendship connection long before anything physical happened. After our first "one night stand" we weren't intimate for another 5 months, but we were building nevertheless... I miss my best friend too and I have no doubt he misses me the same. I'm not able to do NC yet, but hope to be sooner rather than later. I'll have to see him frequently at work, which be very hard. But I somehow have to try and treat him like he's only a co-worker. I admire that you're building yourself back up. 7 days NC first, 13 days this time. Maybe next time you'll keep going....baby steps.
Author half_ofa_heart Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 Just read your story and it broke my heart. Almost identical to mine. I've never had feelings for anyone like this before. We were building an emotional/friendship connection long before anything physical happened. After our first "one night stand" we weren't intimate for another 5 months, but we were building nevertheless... I miss my best friend too and I have no doubt he misses me the same. I'm not able to do NC yet, but hope to be sooner rather than later. I'll have to see him frequently at work, which be very hard. But I somehow have to try and treat him like he's only a co-worker. I admire that you're building yourself back up. 7 days NC first, 13 days this time. Maybe next time you'll keep going....baby steps. I have been holding back tears all day and reading your post I could no longer hold them back. He was/is my best friend and I almost wish that I never let the physical part happen so that I could have at least kept that part. But, I know that that friendship was an affair as well and not something I should be doing either. I'm trying to keep focused on what is best for me and hope the best for you as well because no human being should suffer this much.
calliope Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I have been holding back tears all day and reading your post I could no longer hold them back. He was/is my best friend and I almost wish that I never let the physical part happen so that I could have at least kept that part. But, I know that that friendship was an affair as well and not something I should be doing either. I'm trying to keep focused on what is best for me and hope the best for you as well because no human being should suffer this much. Coming to this site today brought tears that I haven't cried since he went back home 2 days ago. I also just ate something, which I haven't done since Sat nite. Being here only a few hours has already helped me. Definitely focus on what is best for you. Hard advice for me to give when I can't take it myself. But it's heartening to know someone who knows exactly how I feel. <<hugs>>
Author half_ofa_heart Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 Coming to this site today brought tears that I haven't cried since he went back home 2 days ago. I also just ate something, which I haven't done since Sat nite. Being here only a few hours has already helped me. Definitely focus on what is best for you. Hard advice for me to give when I can't take it myself. But it's heartening to know someone who knows exactly how I feel. <<hugs>> I actually ate today for the first time in a few days as well! LS has given me a lot of what I needed. Together we can stay strong. xoxo
tigers1970 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 (((HOAH)))) Sorry you're hurting sweetie. Look, he may love you but he's putting you through so much pain with every phone call, every email, by not respecting your wishes he keeps digging into your wounds. I know how hard it is for you and I'm so sorry for you pain. But I think that if you really wanted him to leave you alone - you might have to get angry, and not just be sad. If he tries to contact you again, maybe you need to tell him "Well buddy, talk is cheap, you say you love me, but you go home to her everyday. Maybe you need to stop being a coward and pick a side and stick to it, and if you insist on disrespecting my wishes for you to leave me alone - I guess I'll need to have a chat with your wife" Honestly sweetie, that's gonna be such a harsh thing to do - especially since you miss him and feel so much pain because you love him, but if you really need him to leave you alone so you can heal - you might have to take the pissed off route because the sobbing and getting so caught up in the hurt he's caused you isn't going to help you move on. I wish you all the best my ow got real tough and mean to me .. it worked ... would nt dare contact her now long as im living in same house as wife anyway .. if you really want to be rid of him like she got rid of me you have to really crush him and then stay nc no matter what .. that what she did ...i was left in desperate pain alright but stopped me pestering her ..
fooled once Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I'm finding this day to be the hardest. He called me at work again and this time I answered. How can he continue to tell me he loves me while staying with this wife??? How can he shed tears for me and go home to his wife??? He has promised me that he will not call or contact me again and will respect my wishes but he wanted to let me know that he will always be thinking of me and that if I ever needed to talk to him to just call. And, of course, that he loves me and always will. WTF???? The pain today is overwhelming. All I want to do is go to bed and fall into a deep sleep. What you wrote and I bolded....his words don't match his actions. If he loved you, he would be with you. If he loved you, he would end his marriage. Here is my story if you're interested: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255471/ His wife ALMOST found out and we were able to convince her it wasn't true. I agree that I have to get mean if he doesn't respect me now. I will keep plugging along and with each day of NC I do get stronger so I'm starting over today. Thank you all so much for your support - I still just want to crawl into bed. Hardest part is my kids have no idea what's making me sad. What did I get myself into?!?! Okay, I haven't read your story yet, but wanted to comment on how cruel I find it that you and he both convinced the wife you weren't having an affair. HOW CRUEL to do to that woman. You both chose to gaslight her over telling her about your love affair. So you are making her think she is crazy when all along, she was right and you two, who claim to love each other, didn't have the guts to be HONEST with this woman? Please please - tell his wife the truth. She deserves it. I truly am sorry you are hurting. He hates not having his cake and eating it too. If he contacts you again, contact his wife. If he can't respect you by NOT contacting you, then you should stop protecting him. That will end things once and for all.
Author half_ofa_heart Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 What you wrote and I bolded....his words don't match his actions. If he loved you, he would be with you. If he loved you, he would end his marriage. Okay, I haven't read your story yet, but wanted to comment on how cruel I find it that you and he both convinced the wife you weren't having an affair. HOW CRUEL to do to that woman. You both chose to gaslight her over telling her about your love affair. So you are making her think she is crazy when all along, she was right and you two, who claim to love each other, didn't have the guts to be HONEST with this woman? Please please - tell his wife the truth. She deserves it. I truly am sorry you are hurting. He hates not having his cake and eating it too. If he contacts you again, contact his wife. If he can't respect you by NOT contacting you, then you should stop protecting him. That will end things once and for all. No need to beat me up about it more than I already do. I hate what I have done to her. She (and their children) were/are the reason I chose to end it on many occasions. As for telling her... I feel it is HIS (the exMM's) responsibility to tell her, not mine. He needs to be the one to face her everyday, not me. I accept my role in this A and when the day comes that she faces me (if ever) I honestly don't know what I'd say to her because no amount of apologies could ease her pain. I'd let her slap me, punch me or do whatever she needed to help herself feel better all the while knowing that nothing will. Part of me thinks that if she never finds out and he goes back and actually works on his marriage and makes it stronger, than perhaps its best she not know. Am I a coward? perhaps! But I can only do what I'd want done to me and if it were truly over and I didn't find out - then I wouldn't want to know.
calliope Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 No need to beat me up about it more than I already do. I hate what I have done to her. She (and their children) were/are the reason I chose to end it on many occasions. As for telling her... I feel it is HIS (the exMM's) responsibility to tell her, not mine. He needs to be the one to face her everyday, not me. I accept my role in this A and when the day comes that she faces me (if ever) I honestly don't know what I'd say to her because no amount of apologies could ease her pain. I'd let her slap me, punch me or do whatever she needed to help herself feel better all the while knowing that nothing will. Part of me thinks that if she never finds out and he goes back and actually works on his marriage and makes it stronger, than perhaps its best she not know. Am I a coward? perhaps! But I can only do what I'd want done to me and if it were truly over and I didn't find out - then I wouldn't want to know. When I was the BS years ago, I never would've confronted the OW. I was already humiliated enough without making a scene. And I completely agree that it's his responsibility to tell her, not yours. How are you doing today?
Author half_ofa_heart Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 When I was the BS years ago, I never would've confronted the OW. I was already humiliated enough without making a scene. And I completely agree that it's his responsibility to tell her, not yours. How are you doing today? I'm doing OK. Taking it one day at a time. How are You doing?
calliope Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I'm ok, but I caved. I saw him for a minute at his house, we're going to meet tomorrow to talk. Hopefully he'll tell me all the things I need to hear but don't want to so I can just move on without always wondering.
siuys Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 hi heart and calliope, just wanted to say a few words of comfort. I'm on day 9 of NC myself so i know how you feel. my xMM also went back home, and at this stage I don't know which way he'll go. I am getting on with my life and trying to get to the point of indifference. I think it's going to be a long journey. I hope both of you are ok, and don't beat yourself if you cave... we're all human and fallible. But DO learn something from it... all the best.
Angel1111 Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 His wife ALMOST found out and we were able to convince her it wasn't true. What do you mean 'we' were able to convince her? Are you friends with his wife? Please tell me you're not. It may hurt that you have to end this, but maybe you can feel better knowing that he loves you. That always gave me some consolation.
Joobi Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 First of all lots of hugs. Try not to see this as a failure. You didn't instigate the contact, he did. You had moment of weakness but that doesn't mean that you failed, it's not that final, you get another chance to make a new start Please try to ignore what he said to you. I know this is really hard. It may be true, it may not, but it is not helping you to know or believe that. I think it is very unfair to tell you something like that considering the circumstances that you both are in. He might love you, but I have been where you are and he does not love you enough nor as much as you deserve. I guess like many of us you already know this in your mind but find it hard to realise in your heart. Don't give up on moving forward. You can manage it one step at a time.
Author half_ofa_heart Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 What do you mean 'we' were able to convince her? Are you friends with his wife? Please tell me you're not. I was not friends with her until someone called her anonomously and also sent her a letter. The letter was fillled with inaccuracies so all we did was prove to her the inaccuracies. It was after this blow up that we became "friends". She seems to be a nice woman, someone that I would be friends with had I not fallen in love with her husband:o. That was in July and we ended it then for about 2 weeks - not a word of contact. Then he called me in tears that he thought things had changed but she still resented him and blamed him for all things wrong in her life. I have pretty much tried to end it with him every month since then. This is the best I've done, thanks to all the support from you guys. I appreciate your hugs and hope that ALL of you are doing better day by day.
Author half_ofa_heart Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 I'm ok, but I caved. I saw him for a minute at his house, we're going to meet tomorrow to talk. Hopefully he'll tell me all the things I need to hear but don't want to so I can just move on without always wondering. Caliope, I hope you find everything you need to find out so you too can muster up the strength to move on. You know you deserve better. I presume he will tell you everything you want to hear to KEEP you hanging one but please be strong and try and see all the BAD things he has done to you - it's those things that make it easy to give him up. Check in tomorrow and let me know how things went.
Author half_ofa_heart Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 hi heart and calliope, just wanted to say a few words of comfort. I'm on day 9 of NC myself so i know how you feel. my xMM also went back home, and at this stage I don't know which way he'll go. I am getting on with my life and trying to get to the point of indifference. I think it's going to be a long journey. I hope both of you are ok, and don't beat yourself if you cave... we're all human and fallible. But DO learn something from it... all the best. siuys, you will get thru this - you have to cuz someone better is out there waiting to treat you right. Hang in there! xoxox
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