CrayonAngel Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I've been coming to this site for a year now, and this time of year last year, I was a mess. I had no hope, and absolutely no trust towards anyone. I was drinking. Smoking. writing this brings me to tears..to think of the Mom I was/was not this time of year last year. I let my husbands sneaky infidelities sneak up on me over the years, I pushed my fears aside thinking he was better. I put on a brave face for my kids. always. the last D-day we had really did a number on me. I will never forget the feeling every day for about 6 months..that all hope was lost, I was helpless...in the situation my H put me in. I was just waiting for a smoking gun..a woman to show up at my door, or a secret credit card bill to come in the mail..I was waiting for him to completely fail me, so I could walk away from him. I cannot believe I gave someone that much power over me, and my sense of self-worth...I will never be that woman again. I never thought our marriage would be back to where it is now..and it isn't. It's much more than that these days, it's a deeper love and connection. I don't feel like 2 people who love eachother...I feel like we are one...thats how close we are after the dust has settled. I just want anyone to know, who is going through the heartbreak of infidelity during a season that is supposed to be a time of togetherness, and thankfulness...IT DOES GET BETTER. You will be okay, there will come a day when you don't picture your loved one with another, there will come a day you don't second guess every move they make. His healing had nothing to do with me, he had to fix himself. My healing, that was up to me. how I picked up the pieces of my life..that was my doing as well. There are days....RARE..but there are some where I get down, but then I look at how far we've come, our own battles we've fought and the ones we've fought together. I really do mean this when I say it. If you love someone, you will fight for them, you will do everything in your power to fix things. Just don't lose yourself in the process.
What_Next Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 CrayonAngel, thank you for this wonderful post. The timing is just perfect. Could you elaborate on the process? What worked for you and your husband. I am in the VERY early stages of reconciling after my wife had an affair. I then had a revenge affair of sorts. Did you use IC or MC? Did you talk of what he did? Time apart? I need some ideas and strategies. My wife and I are heading to our second MC tomorrow night with a new councilor. Apart from that I admit that I am NOT confident and honestly think about throwing in the towel constantly.
Author CrayonAngel Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 I too came close to a revenge A. I was wreckless at the time, but looking back I am so glad..I didn't. We both went to IC. His was a sexual addictions specialist. He went through the 12 step program as well. I went to an IC, and started finding my own ways to deal with the anger and hurt I felt. I started working out A LOT...it really helps! we talked, it feels like we talked for 6 months straight, about everything. We didn't hold back. There were things about him I never knew and vice versa. He laid everything out on the table so I would have a choice to leave or stay. He tried hiding things in the begining and that made things worse. Everyone had their own way of healing, I hope you can find yours. It really does get better, its just not easy getting there. oh, and one last thing. I don't know if you are a spiritual person but we started praying together every night, and talking to God about our fears and praises. It really brought us closer together...
pureinheart Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Hi CA....wow this is way cool! I was reading some of these threads and the negativity (some responses) could send one to suicide. This is extremely encouraging, and I so applaud you and others for having the strength and courage to make it work. I didn't, both exes wanted to make work, but my heart was to hard...oh well, it's done and over. I wish you the best of everything and just want to thank you for lifting my spirits:)
bentnotbroken Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I too came close to a revenge A. I was wreckless at the time, but looking back I am so glad..I didn't. We both went to IC. His was a sexual addictions specialist. He went through the 12 step program as well. I went to an IC, and started finding my own ways to deal with the anger and hurt I felt. I started working out A LOT...it really helps! we talked, it feels like we talked for 6 months straight, about everything. We didn't hold back. There were things about him I never knew and vice versa. He laid everything out on the table so I would have a choice to leave or stay. He tried hiding things in the begining and that made things worse. Everyone had their own way of healing, I hope you can find yours. It really does get better, its just not easy getting there. oh, and one last thing. I don't know if you are a spiritual person but we started praying together every night, and talking to God about our fears and praises. It really brought us closer together... God can do anything. When he is invited into a marriage...things tend to get better. Not that there aren't issues but you are involved in the covenant with Him and it makes you both so much stronger.
What_Next Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Quite the coincidence that you mention faith. My wife has mentioned it quite a few times. I am not a religious person and in fact way back when this all started with my wife I prayed. I asked for guideance and to help me through this. All along I thought my prayers weren't answered, but maybe they were after all. Right now I am trying to spend time inside my own head to figure this all out.
Author CrayonAngel Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 PUre, I'm glad you found my post encouraging. It hurts me to think of others going through it this time of year. It was almost like me writing a letter to myself last year. Everyone has to decide for themselves what they want to do about it..they can mend the R or move on. whichever way...they are both tough, but rewarding in the end. I just remember a moment I had a few months ago.. about my Grandma, I loved her dearly, but she was a very bitter person her whole life, I learned as I got older and she passed away that it was because the loss of a child and my grandpa's affair...I knew right then and there, I wasn't going to live my life being bitter about the things I cannot change.
Rose1977 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Thank you so much for this post. It gives me hope on a very difficult day. I hope to one day be at the point you are.
Linda9999 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I hope to be where you are one day too. December 16 is going to be a bad day for me because that's the day he went to a hotel to meet with one of his 'models'. The date is burned into my mind. This time last year I didn't know yet, but he was at the peak of his acting out. My hubby is also in a 12 step program, just starting it in fact. I hope it's as helpful for him.
Author CrayonAngel Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 Linda, I'm sorry to hear that. How is he responding to his recovery? is he in it 100%?
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