pureinheart Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 When I ended it, I ended it with no contact from me to him - but I still read the occasional txt msg/e-mail, because I was soooo baffled by what he had done, and was really hooked by trying to figure him out. I had to quit reading any communication from him, because he was so cunning in his arguments to defend and justify and rationize what he had done, and tried to make ms feel there was something wrong with MY reasoning! I was even hooked into answering him a few times, which really gave him leverage to try to screw up my head. I had to really go NC just to get his deluded and twisted thinking out of my head. This statement has always blown my mind in the sense that someone is telling you that what you are seeing isn't the truth..I have stood back and questioned myself so much with people who are extremely manipulative...it's hard for me to understand (and I know it is for you also FOG) because we think that everyone will be straight up with us...we take things at face value. There was a great struggle with, "was I the largest doormat in the world" or "am I really a trusting person that is nice and doesn't expect to be walked on"? I decided that I am not going to change and get weird because someone was manipulative. I want to continue to help others when I can, just use a little better judgement and know there are users out there and move on. This has been a difficult area to understand and balance within me...good post FOG:)
pureinheart Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 It is early days for you and, understandably, you probably just want to take things one step at a time. When I first came to LS and NC was discussed at length in relation to my situation, I did want it (mostly), I did know it was good for me, but doing it was another matter. At first it was only him that wanted it and, even though I went along with it, I was only waiting to see if he would get back in touch again. And he would. And I was back to square one. Cue a few weeks later the rollercoaster would begin again. NC or no NC. It was only when it came from me when, like you say, I wanted black and white - no more messing around and flip-flopping, that I genuinely went NC and, despite it being incredibly hard at times, didn't look back. Until six months later when he contacted me again and wouldn't leave it that I knew I had to act for the sake of my own sanity as there was no way I was going back to that situation. Only when you're looking at it from further away can you see the entire scene and I saw drama. So I burned my bridges and now I know for sure I will never hear from him again. It sometimes makes me sad that it came to that, that we couldn't just kiss and walk off into different sunsets, etc... But needs must. I'm getting there again now and life is so much better You can keep him in your heart siuys, nothing saying you can't do that... Heck, even I do, just put yourself first and that probably means without him. Life is healthier that way, the way things stand. To be honest, I don't know how those who have to work with their xAP do it. I think I would find that immensely hard. There are successful stories on here though, where that has happened. JJ33 would be one user whose posts you could examine, haven't heard from her in a bit but she's an inspiration when it comes to working with xAP. Thank you FO. Like 2sure said, I think for some it is almost a game (even played that myself at the start), kind of 'If I hold off, or remind him I'm here, maybe he'll contact me'. It can be used to play games and when taken that way, well, it's most likely that it wont work but if you want NC to regain control and move on MP and hassle free, then for me NC is wonderful. Excellent thread, with so much insight that speaks to my current situation. Let's see, how can I put this to make sense...."looking back" I knew it would end eventually, BUT kept hoping I was wrong. I was never wrong, just off. Wow, all it took was tiny bits of hope to keep me going (this was after they separated)...I was very "low maintenance" actually...not a hard person at all to keep happy, and really never have been. I have high standards, yet appreciate the small things. I know what I want and would rather be single than to comprise or live in a lie...BTW the R became more of a lie after he separated and D...I think that is quite interesting as there is no catagory for me. This R followed almost none of the "norms". I don't hate him, and miss him terribly, yet know this is better for me, I remember reading in this thread that the end of the R was better (I think BB). I agree, although my mind has to catch up... You know, I am still healing from a freaking R that I had 10 f-ing years ago...WTF, where have I been????? Did I just check out and decide not to do reality anymore????? I have let myself go, and just absolutely broke down a couple of years ago and couldn't "go" anymore, just completely shut down in certain areas....sooooo many unaswered questions...was 9 11 the breaker or the 15 other major traumas afterwards...was it the stuff before... Thank you for allowing me to rant, I am not blaming anyone or anything...just want to know where I went and where I am...you know? Do you guys ever feel paralised? I mean where you cannot move, your mind becomes clogged up and you shut down? I have no choice but NC, I can't handle more rejection... My suggestion to those struggling would be to go through your pictures...your lifetime of pictures...I have been putting pictures up in my home finally after ten years...I've been back at my childhood home for three years. I am "seeing" the difference in me. Look at the changes and if they are not for the better then something is way off... Please excuse me, I'm tripping priddy hard right now, much realisation and the pictures spoke a thousand words.
Spark1111 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I may love someone, but if this someone or this relationship continues to cause me pain, more lows than highs, more anxiety than peace, then it is time to DETACH from it so that I can assess it objectively. Does that hurt initially? Of course it does. And it does NOT have to be an affair. It could be ANY relationship; a grown child, a parent, an old friend. NC is to protect you and your rollercoasting emotions; not him, his spouse, or the neighbor down the block. Just you. It is a respite, a breather, a time out to think long and hard if the good outways the bad; if the actions match the promises. If you are not ready, don't do it because it will not work, and every time you lose your resolve, you WILL feel like a failure. Don't force it from others, because if it doesn't come from their heart, it can't be trusted to last, IMHO. But if you grow sick and tired of feeling sick and tired; if you grow weary that promises are made but not kept; if you are still hoping against hope that this person will change their behavior and give you what you have been asking for....and nothing ever happens to sustain your hope for change.... than it is TIME for NC to preserve and protect YOU while you make decisions to wait and see or walk away.
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