How to Move On

[Hazyhead]

I don't mean to criticise others' opinions, but have read here (OW/OM) quite a bit lately that NC doesn't work, that it just makes one pine for another even more, or something. I don't agree with shoving it on those who are not ready for it, although it may come across that way sometimes, but I do think it the best thing for moving forward and putting the affair behind you.

 

For me, knowing he's out of my life DOES bring me closure - it's over and I can now pick up the pieces and move on without him. I believe that it is NC. For good. There is no more holding out to see if he will contact me. There is no more temptation to check how he is doing. He's gone from my life.

 

It is hard to cut someone out, someone that you care for so much, but when they bring you so much pain too, for me, it's a means to an end. It sucked at the time but I know I'm better off without him.

 

And, I'm happy. It's one year (pretty much exactly) since I first came here looking for help and, aside from the help I've received it has also been a source of tremendous strength when I thought I had none.

 

For those struggling right now, there is hope. What I'm asking, in a rambly way (as usual), is information on how others have healed. What has been the most effective way for you to heal after the affair?

[2sure]

I just read on another thread in OW/OM a poster asking why you would want NC with someone you love. I think people get confused about it.

 

If your partner is behaving badly NC can force them to reassess their priorities. NC can make people miss each other and magnify the absence of life without them . It can ultimately bring a relationship back to where it should be.

 

But NC is also used for the opposite - to END a bad relationship. Its not a ploy, not a tactic, its an END. Its hard. Its a decision. To end a relationship that is not good for you when you love the other person is hard. Doesnt matter if its an affair or a marriage.

 

For me, both as OW and then as BS - I found the NC is the only thing that works. Its the only thing that I have to hold my ground and defend myself against my weakness. In fact, I would recommend to anyone having a hard time getting out of an unhealthy relationship or to anyone going back and forth with NC:

 

BURN THE BRIDGE. Make it so that the other person does not want to and will not contact you. Remove yourself as an option to them. That way..you no longer wonder, you are no longer vulnerable to your emotions in weak moments. The decision is made and is now out of your hands.

[Hazyhead]

I just read on another thread in OW/OM a poster asking why you would want NC with someone you love. I think people get confused about it.

 

If your partner is behaving badly NC can force them to reassess their priorities. NC can make people miss each other and magnify the absence of life without them . It can ultimately bring a relationship back to where it should be.

 

But NC is also used for the opposite - to END a bad relationship. Its not a ploy, not a tactic, its an END. Its hard. Its a decision. To end a relationship that is not good for you when you love the other person is hard. Doesnt matter if its an affair or a marriage.

 

For me, both as OW and then as BS - I found the NC is the only thing that works. Its the only thing that I have to hold my ground and defend myself against my weakness. In fact, I would recommend to anyone having a hard time getting out of an unhealthy relationship or to anyone going back and forth with NC:

 

BURN THE BRIDGE. Make it so that the other person does not want to and will not contact you. Remove yourself as an option to them. That way..you no longer wonder, you are no longer vulnerable to your emotions in weak moments. The decision is made and is now out of your hands.

 

I now see it as you see it, 2sure. It is the end because it has to be. I did, perhaps, a nasty thing in burning my bridges, I suppose it depends upon the angle you look from, but although I know it would have hurt people, I don't regret it because it has well and truly burned those bridges, as you say. I know how doing so might be really scary, it was for me, but once it's done, it's done.

[ItsNeverForever]

BURN THE BRIDGE. Make it so that the other person does not want to and will not contact you. Remove yourself as an option to them. That way..you no longer wonder, you are no longer vulnerable to your emotions in weak moments. The decision is made and is now out of your hands.

 

 

HOLY CARP, 2sure...*gulp* I read the words "Burn the Bridge" and croaked...I think this is what I subconsciously did last Friday. The drama that I talked about in my update post this morning. Although I wasn't the direct cause of the situation, I allowed it to happen in a roundabout way, and it was something that were I in his shoes, would forever change what he thinks of me. I wish I could explain it, but I can't/won't. He stated himself that it was no big deal, but our personalities are soooo similar its scary, and I know that if the shoe were on the other foot, I'd have a REAL BAD taste in my mouth right now for him. So, I think my subconscious, in an effort to save me from my weak, conscious self, figured out a way to BURN THE BRIDGE. I am sure this is why I haven't heard from him in 3 days, and has me feeling like I could never contact him, for what to say? I love him, and I'm completely crushed to let him go, but I have to do it. OMG, cross your fingers for me please.

 

*repeating to self: bridge is burned...too late, no going back...bridge is burned...too late, no going back...*

[BB07]

Good thread Hazy and great posts to both of you, Hazy and 2sure.

 

I don't have time to write now, but will later.

 

For those wanting out, there is hope!

 

I say this for Hazy.......and I speak for myself. It can be done!

 

I have wrote more than one response about how much better off I am now, but sometimes I think people don't want to hear it. Am I imagining things or is it that the way it really is????

[pureinheart]

Hi Hazy,

 

I am in the process right now and reading a book called, "Coming Apart". I am particularly impressed by how it touches those areas every relationship faces in the beginning, middle and end...without being "cookie cutter".

 

This book spoke to me in these areas...how I saw the end of the relationship in the beginning...meaning I knew from day one that we would never work, yet he gave me something I needed and I gave him something he needed...basically we "freed" each other.

 

The relationship had it's purpose and now it's done.

 

I see this concept very clearly and am done with these relationships that "get me to the next level" and want the real deal.

 

This is hard Hazy, letting go of other relationships that have been in the back of my mind, still pining after all these years...it's ridiculous, but true freedom is here:)...

[ladydesigner]

I just read on another thread in OW/OM a poster asking why you would want NC with someone you love. I think people get confused about it.

 

If your partner is behaving badly NC can force them to reassess their priorities. NC can make people miss each other and magnify the absence of life without them . It can ultimately bring a relationship back to where it should be.

 

But NC is also used for the opposite - to END a bad relationship. Its not a ploy, not a tactic, its an END. Its hard. Its a decision. To end a relationship that is not good for you when you love the other person is hard. Doesnt matter if its an affair or a marriage.

 

For me, both as OW and then as BS - I found the NC is the only thing that works. Its the only thing that I have to hold my ground and defend myself against my weakness. In fact, I would recommend to anyone having a hard time getting out of an unhealthy relationship or to anyone going back and forth with NC:

 

BURN THE BRIDGE. Make it so that the other person does not want to and will not contact you. Remove yourself as an option to them. That way..you no longer wonder, you are no longer vulnerable to your emotions in weak moments. The decision is made and is now out of your hands.

 

Yes I burnt the bridge as I closed the door with NC. It was the only way for me. I know it blindsided him as much as he did to me when we ended. Like 2sure said NC was the means to end a bad relationship (my EA with XOM). I needed it to END and END it did. I haven't heard a peep from him since and all I can say it is a sigh of relief for me. He is gone and done from my life. Ciao baby!

[ladydesigner]

Hi Hazy,

 

I am in the process right now and reading a book called, "Coming Apart". I am particularly impressed by how it touches those areas every relationship faces in the beginning, middle and end...without being "cookie cutter".

 

This book spoke to me in these areas...how I saw the end of the relationship in the beginning...meaning I knew from day one that we would never work, yet he gave me something I needed and I gave him something he needed...basically we "freed" each other.

 

The relationship had it's purpose and now it's done.

 

I see this concept very clearly and am done with these relationships that "get me to the next level" and want the real deal.

 

This is hard Hazy, letting go of other relationships that have been in the back of my mind, still pining after all these years...it's ridiculous, but true freedom is here:)...

 

This is very insightful PIH. Thank You!

[Hazyhead]

Good thread Hazy and great posts to both of you, Hazy and 2sure.

 

I don't have time to write now, but will later.

 

For those wanting out, there is hope!

 

I say this for Hazy.......and I speak for myself. It can be done!

 

I have wrote more than one response about how much better off I am now, but sometimes I think people don't want to hear it. Am I imagining things or is it that the way it really is????

 

This is exactly how I feel! I'm not pretending: I am far better and happier. That's not because the affair was awful for me, it wasn't, it was as exciting an affair as any other but with affairs come stress and pain for someone most of the time. It's pretty much inevitable. I'm not saying NC is the only way to go but I do feel, from my own experience, that it is the most effective.

 

I do want those that think it is too difficult a task to see that it can work and life can be good as a result. One year ago, I was a mess, and it's taken a while, but I'm there now.

 

Cheers, BB. Catch you later

[Hazyhead]

Hi Hazy,

 

I am in the process right now and reading a book called, "Coming Apart". I am particularly impressed by how it touches those areas every relationship faces in the beginning, middle and end...without being "cookie cutter".

 

This book spoke to me in these areas...how I saw the end of the relationship in the beginning...meaning I knew from day one that we would never work, yet he gave me something I needed and I gave him something he needed...basically we "freed" each other.

 

The relationship had it's purpose and now it's done.

 

I see this concept very clearly and am done with these relationships that "get me to the next level" and want the real deal.

 

This is hard Hazy, letting go of other relationships that have been in the back of my mind, still pining after all these years...it's ridiculous, but true freedom is here:)...

 

Again PiH, you make my heart stir. It is hard to let go of relationships that meant something. You can still take them with you, and think about them occasionally, just not drag them back out into the light - keep 'em in the shoebox in the cupboard instead. But you speak wisely, I can identify with finding something in the relationship, or in the person, that you need at that moment in time. But that's not to say that you should keep them around forever.

[siuys]

I have considered burning the bridge but guess I just can't. I may never get to that point, or I may. But not now. Only 1 week of NC so early days. I don't know if it's REALLY over, but I'm working on it being over. I wanted things to be black and white right from the start – he's either in or out, it's either over or it's not, he either loves me or not.... but then I realised life isn't like that unfortunately. So now, I treat it as an end, but move on. The goal is to get to a place where I am happy, regardless of whether i will ever see xMM again. He will have a special place in my heart, always. And in some ways, I don't want to burn that also.

[calliope]

I have considered burning the bridge but guess I just can't. I may never get to that point, or I may. But not now. Only 1 week of NC so early days. I don't know if it's REALLY over, but I'm working on it being over. I wanted things to be black and white right from the start – he's either in or out, it's either over or it's not, he either loves me or not.... but then I realised life isn't like that unfortunately. So now, I treat it as an end, but move on. The goal is to get to a place where I am happy, regardless of whether i will ever see xMM again. He will have a special place in my heart, always. And in some ways, I don't want to burn that also.

I'm the same - want black & white, but just seem to be getting gray.

 

What do you do when you have no choice but to see MM at work all the time? When I've ended it, I've stuck to strictly professional, no personal talk at work, nothing outside work...but things always end up progressing back to together.

 

How do you stay strong enough to stick with "just work" when NC isn't possible?

[fooled once]

I don't mean to criticise others' opinions, but have read here (OW/OM) quite a bit lately that NC doesn't work, that it just makes one pine for another even more, or something. I don't agree with shoving it on those who are not ready for it, although it may come across that way sometimes, but I do think it the best thing for moving forward and putting the affair behind you.

 

For me, knowing he's out of my life DOES bring me closure - it's over and I can now pick up the pieces and move on without him. I believe that it is NC. For good. There is no more holding out to see if he will contact me. There is no more temptation to check how he is doing. He's gone from my life.

 

It is hard to cut someone out, someone that you care for so much, but when they bring you so much pain too, for me, it's a means to an end. It sucked at the time but I know I'm better off without him.

 

And, I'm happy. It's one year (pretty much exactly) since I first came here looking for help and, aside from the help I've received it has also been a source of tremendous strength when I thought I had none.

 

For those struggling right now, there is hope. What I'm asking, in a rambly way (as usual), is information on how others have healed. What has been the most effective way for you to heal after the affair?

 

GREAT POST Hazy!!!

 

NC = no more pain. NC = moving forward instead of standing still. NC = respecting yourself enough to stop being someone's mistress. NC = regaining control of your life and stopping the destruction that affairs cause.

 

GREAT POST!!!

[Sidtheskid]

I think that no contact is ridiculous.

 

We are adults here - can we act as such?

 

People will behave as they feel. That doesn't change reality. As an OW I have learned plenty - judge me if you want. Anyone here without sin can cast the first stone...

[whichwayisup]

I think that no contact is ridiculous.

 

We are adults here - can we act as such?

 

People will behave as they feel. That doesn't change reality. As an OW I have learned plenty - judge me if you want. Anyone here without sin can cast the first stone...

 

Huh? Part in bold. Why are you saying this in this thread when it's been a calm and nice conversation flow going on?

 

NOONE in this thread is judging anybody, it's a supportive and helpful, respectful thread, so again, where is all this coming from? What has been said to set you off?

[Carrot2000]

I think that no contact is ridiculous.

 

We are adults here - can we act as such?

 

People will behave as they feel. That doesn't change reality. As an OW I have learned plenty - judge me if you want. Anyone here without sin can cast the first stone...

 

Yes, it is ridiculous if that's not what the OW/OM is ready to do. This was one of the points in Hazyhead's post.

 

The point of your post, however, is unclear. What are you talking about?

[pureinheart]

This is very insightful PIH. Thank You!

 

Again PiH, you make my heart stir. It is hard to let go of relationships that meant something. You can still take them with you, and think about them occasionally, just not drag them back out into the light - keep 'em in the shoebox in the cupboard instead. But you speak wisely, I can identify with finding something in the relationship, or in the person, that you need at that moment in time. But that's not to say that you should keep them around forever.

 

Thank you LD, I wish I had half the courage that you do to work on your M and make it work, also that says a lot for him too:), I love happy beginnings!

 

Hazy, your level-headedness must be a gift and has encouraged me more than you know BTW:)...in bold has been my downfall/problem. I totally misread various relationships and am now learning that there are some that are only to be in our lives for a season:)

[Hazyhead]

I have considered burning the bridge but guess I just can't. I may never get to that point, or I may. But not now. Only 1 week of NC so early days. I don't know if it's REALLY over, but I'm working on it being over. I wanted things to be black and white right from the start – he's either in or out, it's either over or it's not, he either loves me or not.... but then I realised life isn't like that unfortunately. So now, I treat it as an end, but move on. The goal is to get to a place where I am happy, regardless of whether i will ever see xMM again. He will have a special place in my heart, always. And in some ways, I don't want to burn that also.

 

It is early days for you and, understandably, you probably just want to take things one step at a time. When I first came to LS and NC was discussed at length in relation to my situation, I did want it (mostly), I did know it was good for me, but doing it was another matter. At first it was only him that wanted it and, even though I went along with it, I was only waiting to see if he would get back in touch again. And he would. And I was back to square one. Cue a few weeks later the rollercoaster would begin again. NC or no NC. It was only when it came from me when, like you say, I wanted black and white - no more messing around and flip-flopping, that I genuinely went NC and, despite it being incredibly hard at times, didn't look back. Until six months later when he contacted me again and wouldn't leave it that I knew I had to act for the sake of my own sanity as there was no way I was going back to that situation. Only when you're looking at it from further away can you see the entire scene and I saw drama. So I burned my bridges and now I know for sure I will never hear from him again. It sometimes makes me sad that it came to that, that we couldn't just kiss and walk off into different sunsets, etc... But needs must. I'm getting there again now and life is so much better You can keep him in your heart siuys, nothing saying you can't do that... Heck, even I do, just put yourself first and that probably means without him. Life is healthier that way, the way things stand.

 

I'm the same - want black & white, but just seem to be getting gray.

 

What do you do when you have no choice but to see MM at work all the time? When I've ended it, I've stuck to strictly professional, no personal talk at work, nothing outside work...but things always end up progressing back to together.

 

How do you stay strong enough to stick with "just work" when NC isn't possible?

 

To be honest, I don't know how those who have to work with their xAP do it. I think I would find that immensely hard. There are successful stories on here though, where that has happened. JJ33 would be one user whose posts you could examine, haven't heard from her in a bit but she's an inspiration when it comes to working with xAP.

 

 

GREAT POST Hazy!!!

 

NC = no more pain. NC = moving forward instead of standing still. NC = respecting yourself enough to stop being someone's mistress. NC = regaining control of your life and stopping the destruction that affairs cause.

 

GREAT POST!!!

 

Thank you FO. Like 2sure said, I think for some it is almost a game (even played that myself at the start), kind of 'If I hold off, or remind him I'm here, maybe he'll contact me'. It can be used to play games and when taken that way, well, it's most likely that it wont work but if you want NC to regain control and move on MP and hassle free, then for me NC is wonderful.

[Hazyhead]

I think that no contact is ridiculous.

 

We are adults here - can we act as such?

 

People will behave as they feel. That doesn't change reality. As an OW I have learned plenty - judge me if you want. Anyone here without sin can cast the first stone...

 

I think you may have misunderstood me, Sid, but apologies if I've offended you. My aim with this thread was to help those who do want to end things and get out of the affair see there are ways of doing it, and NC is the one that worked for me. If you don't actually want to get out then I don't want to enforce anything upon you!

 

If so perhaps you know of other ways to help those struggling?

[Hazyhead]

Thank you LD, I wish I had half the courage that you do to work on your M and make it work, also that says a lot for him too:), I love happy beginnings!

 

Hazy, your level-headedness must be a gift and has encouraged me more than you know BTW:)...in bold has been my downfall/problem. I totally misread various relationships and am now learning that there are some that are only to be in our lives for a season:)

 

PiH, saying and doing are two separate things Seriously though, I have struggled to let go of those whom I have held dear... I think that's natural - I'd be surprised if someone with as much empathy and compassion as you didn't find it incredibly difficult. But you're right, it can be seasonal... thank you though

[flowergirl77]

I am so glad I found this forum. I have been in an EA for over a year now. I am married (total together 9 years) with 2 little kids and one teenager.

I met this OM at work, he was always hitting on me and making moves. We would flirt and joke back and forth At first I didn't appreciate the overtures, and wasn't initially even attracted to him...but over time I began to look forward to the attention...even got a "high" from it. I began looking forward to going to work to see him, and we developed what seemed at the time...a close friendship. We talked for hours. It felt so good, and effortless. We have eerie similarities, and are so comfortable in eachothers company.

After trying to end it several times (HB knows everything), I had to quit my job to avoid seeing him.

It has been 3 weeks of NC-and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do!! The pull toward contacting him, to see how he is doing, to see if he misses me too is so great, I am not sure if I can do it much longer. It is driving me insane. I am so depressed and can't stand it. I keep reminding myself..if I contact him my MG will be over for sure, and I am not willing to end my marriage on those terms. If we divorce, I want it to be with a clear head free from my affair fog. So I have agreed with HB we will stay together for 3 months-during that time I am not to contact the OM. After the 3 months, we will reassess things and see where we are in out MG. Any advice?? I am sooo close to contacting OM, I feel like I am possessed!

[BB07]

Awesome post Hazy!

 

It is early days for you and, understandably, you probably just want to take things one step at a time. When I first came to LS and NC was discussed at length in relation to my situation, I did want it (mostly), I did know it was good for me, but doing it was another matter. At first it was only him that wanted it and, even though I went along with it, I was only waiting to see if he would get back in touch again. And he would. And I was back to square one. Cue a few weeks later the rollercoaster would begin again. NC or no NC. It was only when it came from me when, like you say, I wanted black and white - no more messing around and flip-flopping, that I genuinely went NC and, despite it being incredibly hard at times, didn't look back. Until six months later when he contacted me again and wouldn't leave it that I knew I had to act for the sake of my own sanity as there was no way I was going back to that situation. Only when you're looking at it from further away can you see the entire scene and I saw drama. So I burned my bridges and now I know for sure I will never hear from him again. It sometimes makes me sad that it came to that, that we couldn't just kiss and walk off into different sunsets, etc... But needs must. I'm getting there again now and life is so much better You can keep him in your heart siuys, nothing saying you can't do that... Heck, even I do, just put yourself first and that probably means without him. Life is healthier that way, the way things stand.

 

 

 

To be honest, I don't know how those who have to work with their xAP do it. I think I would find that immensely hard. There are successful stories on here though, where that has happened. JJ33 would be one user whose posts you could examine, haven't heard from her in a bit but she's an inspiration when it comes to working with xAP.

 

 

 

 

Thank you FO. Like 2sure said, I think for some it is almost a game (even played that myself at the start), kind of 'If I hold off, or remind him I'm here, maybe he'll contact me'. It can be used to play games and when taken that way, well, it's most likely that it wont work but if you want NC to regain control and move on MP and hassle free, then for me NC is wonderful.

[BB07]

I am so glad I found this forum. I have been in an EA for over a year now. I am married (total together 9 years) with 2 little kids and one teenager.

I met this OM at work, he was always hitting on me and making moves. We would flirt and joke back and forth At first I didn't appreciate the overtures, and wasn't initially even attracted to him...but over time I began to look forward to the attention...even got a "high" from it. I began looking forward to going to work to see him, and we developed what seemed at the time...a close friendship. We talked for hours. It felt so good, and effortless. We have eerie similarities, and are so comfortable in eachothers company.

After trying to end it several times (HB knows everything), I had to quit my job to avoid seeing him.

It has been 3 weeks of NC-and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do!! The pull toward contacting him, to see how he is doing, to see if he misses me too is so great, I am not sure if I can do it much longer. It is driving me insane. I am so depressed and can't stand it. I keep reminding myself..if I contact him my MG will be over for sure, and I am not willing to end my marriage on those terms. If we divorce, I want it to be with a clear head free from my affair fog. So I have agreed with HB we will stay together for 3 months-during that time I am not to contact the OM. After the 3 months, we will reassess things and see where we are in out MG. Any advice?? I am sooo close to contacting OM, I feel like I am possessed!

 

Don't let him or anyone else possess you....OK? That isn't real nor is it good for you. Think about what you are risking......concentrate on how it would feel to lose that. Losing all that is not what you want, right? Also you don't want to go further down that path and end up with more pain do you? One day.......one hour at a time if you need it to be, one minute at a time sometimes. You are obviously a smart lady and you know you aren't thinking clearly so don't risk it. Wait till you get your head and your heart clear, don't do something that you can't undo.

[Hazyhead]

I am so glad I found this forum. I have been in an EA for over a year now. I am married (total together 9 years) with 2 little kids and one teenager.

I met this OM at work, he was always hitting on me and making moves. We would flirt and joke back and forth At first I didn't appreciate the overtures, and wasn't initially even attracted to him...but over time I began to look forward to the attention...even got a "high" from it. I began looking forward to going to work to see him, and we developed what seemed at the time...a close friendship. We talked for hours. It felt so good, and effortless. We have eerie similarities, and are so comfortable in eachothers company.

After trying to end it several times (HB knows everything), I had to quit my job to avoid seeing him.

It has been 3 weeks of NC-and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do!! The pull toward contacting him, to see how he is doing, to see if he misses me too is so great, I am not sure if I can do it much longer. It is driving me insane. I am so depressed and can't stand it. I keep reminding myself..if I contact him my MG will be over for sure, and I am not willing to end my marriage on those terms. If we divorce, I want it to be with a clear head free from my affair fog. So I have agreed with HB we will stay together for 3 months-during that time I am not to contact the OM. After the 3 months, we will reassess things and see where we are in out MG. Any advice?? I am sooo close to contacting OM, I feel like I am possessed!

 

I hope I'm not too late and you're still in NC! I think your aim here is commendable. You need to clear your head and find a peaceful place so you know what to do. You will still be in that 'fog' where all you can think of is your addiction (OM) so rational thought isn't really possible right now. But I see that you want to get there. I think you're right to want to giveyour marriage a shot and I applaud your honesty that at the moment your feeling for your OM are over-riding your feelings for your husband. This is completely normal.

 

Everyday that you keep NC with OM, your feelings for him will become less consuming and you will gradually start to 'see' your husband again. Have you tried NC? It might be really good for you both to talk it all out and maybe look at the 'whys' behind it all. One thing though, I'm not sure if three months is enough to give your marriage a fair shot because at that point, you're still going to be pining for OM. Could you make it longer? Say, seven months? If indeed you need to see OM at all. I'm an advocate for closing the door completely, otherwise in the back of your head you still have that 'but I'll see him in ___ months' thought and it might just keep the feelings from him from fading.

 

Good luck with it. Keep posting.

[Fieldsofgold]

When I ended it, I ended it with no contact from me to him - but I still read the occasional txt msg/e-mail, because I was soooo baffled by what he had done, and was really hooked by trying to figure him out. I had to quit reading any communication from him, because he was so cunning in his arguments to defend and justify and rationize what he had done, and tried to make ms feel there was something wrong with MY reasoning! I was even hooked into answering him a few times, which really gave him leverage to try to screw up my head. I had to really go NC just to get his deluded and twisted thinking out of my head.