TerryW Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 How do I deal with the flashes I have during sex? Everything "seems" to be going fine but lately when we have sex the thoughts about him being with someone else come and it just shuts me down. He noticed that I didn't "O" and asked what was the matter/feels like I'm holding something back. I told him about it but neither of us know what to do. Sometimes his hands on me just creep me out. What do I do?
young&inlove Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I had this same problem too. I would get the flashes of seeing him with her, made me cringe every time. I would then think all sorts of bad things on my part. How did she make him feel, how can I make him feel good like she did? All sorts of things. I just learned that if I want to work through this with my man, which I have to work too. I can’t let him do all the work (even though he deserved it). I had to train myself basically. When those thoughts came up, I would just think of something happy or how he made me happy and how I wanted to stay together. Then the thoughts slowly by slowly started to vanish. I still get them every so often (maybe once a month or every other month). Just have to think of everything else. I take it you asked him every question in the book just like I did? That was a bad thing to do for me, since he told me; I knew what she had said to him, what they did and so on. Just take it day by day and think of happy things or the way he can make you happy. Good luck to you!
What_Next Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I still think about my wife and her AP. Not during sex now, the difficult thing is that during our seperation I slept with another woman as well and I know this is on her mind as well. It makes the entire thing tough. I am hoping with time it'll get better.
Linda9999 Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Happens to me too. It does fade over time, but it would be nice if it went away forever, right now. But it doesn't. *sigh* I am finding that the more we have sex the less the mind movies affect me, because they're being overshadowed by the sex we're having now. The mind movies are being overwritten, I guess.
kevinm1019 Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 How do I deal with the flashes I have during sex? Everything "seems" to be going fine but lately when we have sex the thoughts about him being with someone else come and it just shuts me down. He noticed that I didn't "O" and asked what was the matter/feels like I'm holding something back. I told him about it but neither of us know what to do. Sometimes his hands on me just creep me out. What do I do? I have the same issue. Sometimes I look at my significant other and feel sad, upset and ill. For me, it is the thought of her deceiving me, the methods she used to get to the point of... "I want to share myself with you to show you what you mean to me. We have been building on something and I don't want to lose you and/or want to reward you." My D-Day was in February 2010 and I struggle with the "movies" quite a bit. It has subsided a little and subsides when she demonstrates actions towards me to show me she loves me... but for me... my internal struggle is... "how do I find the strength to trust her again?" Truth is... I love her and don't want to lose her... but to go down this path does not demonstrate her love for me or the importance of having me in her life. The thing I get confused and upset about sometimes is she gets mad/angry when she thinks I'm looking at her in a shameful manner or thinking negatively of her because of the affair. To be honest, I do a lot because in my mind, she gave away her womanhood for something she wasn't willing to give or demonstrate on similar levels. One the things I said to her is "if you don't honor yourself and your own womanhood... why would anyone else honor you?" This statement appeared to effect her and really make her reflect. The funny part about it all is I think she has the same challenges with the movies because she sees the change in our relationship and misses the bond we once shared.
kevinm1019 Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I had this same problem too. I would get the flashes of seeing him with her, made me cringe every time. I would then think all sorts of bad things on my part. How did she make him feel, how can I make him feel good like she did? All sorts of things. I just learned that if I want to work through this with my man, which I have to work too. I can’t let him do all the work (even though he deserved it). I had to train myself basically. When those thoughts came up, I would just think of something happy or how he made me happy and how I wanted to stay together. Then the thoughts slowly by slowly started to vanish. I still get them every so often (maybe once a month or every other month). Just have to think of everything else. I take it you asked him every question in the book just like I did? That was a bad thing to do for me, since he told me; I knew what she had said to him, what they did and so on. Just take it day by day and think of happy things or the way he can make you happy. Good luck to you! You shouldn't regret the choice of full disclosure... it helps to deal with the issues and understand what steps need to be taken on your part to move forward or move on.
Author TerryW Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 I have asked all the questions that I care to know but it's the fact that I don't know if he's lying or not that kills me. Our sex life has improved tremendiously and I haven't had this problem until just recently and the affair was over a year and a half ago. I'm trying to figure out why I'm having this problem now. I think it's that I'm so unsure if he's lying or not. And there is no way to fix this problem. He can say he isn't but I don't really know. I guess it all boils down to trust and I don't have that yet even though he is doing everything he can to regain it. He just was too good at deceiving me....
kevinm1019 Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I have asked all the questions that I care to know but it's the fact that I don't know if he's lying or not that kills me. Our sex life has improved tremendiously and I haven't had this problem until just recently and the affair was over a year and a half ago. I'm trying to figure out why I'm having this problem now. I think it's that I'm so unsure if he's lying or not. And there is no way to fix this problem. He can say he isn't but I don't really know. I guess it all boils down to trust and I don't have that yet even though he is doing everything he can to regain it. He just was too good at deceiving me.... This is an area I struggle with as well. For me, it shouldn't take an affair for a person to realize how much the betrayed partner means to him or her. The thing I shared with my significant other is "if he would have been able to provide for and meet your needs the way I have... and the sex was good for you... where would we be at today?" For men... sometimes they have the mentality it is cheaper to keep her.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Once someone has been betrayed by infidelity there's no real fixing the wound. One of the ways to compensate is to be a little more selfish in sex if you're trying to continue with the same person and entertain your own fantasies wherever they lead. Allowing yourself to dwell on the infidelity is a defacto fantasy that is distasteful--so, one needs to replace it with fantasy by design. There's no undoing what happened. There's only coping with NOW. And the mind is our sexual apparatus to either confine ourselves of free ourselves. Just a thought. I know it's tough.
wicar1 Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Just close your eyes while having sex. You chose to takeback your cheating partner. These are some of it's consequences, but be prepared !!! there will be more and more and more. Is the juice worth the squeeze ???!!!
Author TerryW Posted December 11, 2010 Author Posted December 11, 2010 Wicar1, are you saying to me that I deserve this because I'm trying to make my marriage work?
Author TerryW Posted December 11, 2010 Author Posted December 11, 2010 Nevermind I don't even want to know. I'm letting it go..Whatever I been through enough pain to let a stranger take one second of peace from me.
Pipeline010 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 (edited) excellent thread. i wish i had more to offer; i struggle with the same 'flashes.' i went the way of 'somewhat' non-disclosure. I do know 'some' of the stuff she did with him, but not all (i believe). women are more mentally driven, though, so 99% of my issues aren't that i'm doing a good enough job. it's just the FACT that she gave herself to someone else. i'm hoping those images will one day stop, but I don't bring them up to her. I stick those thoughts in the category of 'can't fix it' and drop any anger about the flashes. i expected it and i took her back anyway, so these i need to own the pain of. actually, i'm going to do it....here it is..let's get crude.... i think he ****ed her ass. it, just kinda, LOOKS different to me... i could be imagining it...but I can't get over it. we spoke about it once back when reconciliation started, and she said it didn't happen but he wanted to. but she exposed herself in all this as a big time liar, so i think 'he wanted to' = 'we did.' i can't see what bringing it up anymore would help...either she'll deny it, and i'll stay as i am now...or she'll admit it..and i'll be even more messed up. edit: i have no idea why that one thing bugs me so much...just does...bleh. Edited December 13, 2010 by Pipeline010
Author TerryW Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Pipeline, Really looks different or perceived as dirty? I think thats why his hands on me creep me out. I think he's dirty.
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