markdemicoli Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Hi all, I have been in a LDR for these last 6 months since I met this girl during her holiday in my country, we passed a great time and kept contact with the story getting more serious everyday. I visited her in her country 4 months after and those were the best days of my life, I saw her very sad and I was sad too on my departure day back to my country, but what I knew was that it was not a goodbye, I was going to see her again. 1 month and a half have passed now from that date and from shortly after my departure we have been planning our next meeting, she coming to my country during her school holidays in February (4months after our last meeting in October). Everything was going fine, we kept contact every single day for 6months either by sms and most of all by almost daily long webcam chats. We were always seeing the best flights to book, the places where to stay and the things to do when were are again together for 9days in feb. I used to look forward to our conversations every night from the moment we say goodbye and goodnight. For me these were things to look forwards during hard times at work and things that make you smile when you see something that reminds you of her (blue eyes, love song, snow, airplane, anything that would make me think of her during the day). Lately she showed some indecision on purchasing the air ticket and after some days she explained that everyday that passes she misses and loves me more and it's hurting for her and she can't see it positive like I do (that it's one day closer to our meeting) she just thinks that when we'll leave each other again it will hurt like breaking up every time. I talked to her about making more frequent visits like 2months and she said that she knows that this is impossible, but for her even every one month it hurts, she wants to be able to meet everyday to share those nice moments a normal couple can, to basically have a future to look towards to. She was feeling like that our relationship was only going on with the memories of our meetings and the plan of the next (but hey it's and LDR what can you do otherwise!!?) So we, but most of all she, chose to end this relationship cause this will only hurt more with time if we get attached to each other even more. At the moment I feel destroyed cause all my dreams I had of meeting again, and all the things I had to make me look forward to our conversations and to comfort me when I have a bad day at work and every small thing that reminds me of her, now hurts too much. I knew that for her still being at school and for me just starting my career would have meant minimum 2 other years before I can move over to her country and so I knew from Day 1 that this relationship had 99.9% chance of ending one day, but I never expected it like this, I always thought that it would end by loosing interest towards each other and not cut it while our feelings are still sky high. I have nothing against this girl, she was honest and everything and the same from me, both of us promised to be faithful and we did. She's just amazing, the type of girl I wouldn't change anything from apart her country of living, same thing for her regarding me. Maybe I was seeing it better because I accepted the fact that there was no future so I was taking it day by day but then it got bigger and she was my major part for these last months, planning our meeting was something to keep you going everyday. Remembering our memories was something to make you joy, but relationships cannot go on if you know that you have no future, and I accept that, I know what I am feeling is just temporary but damn it hurts so much. My only worry for this LDR was that I would maybe lose my real other half if I encountered her, cause I promised not to betray this girl and I would have kept it no matter what cause I didn't want to hurt her. And I know that for her ending this relationship was painful, she was just crying on cam, and I felt so bad I couldn't just go and hug her and talk to her properly to fix this. 2 days passed and I still feel still feel dizzy, I feel empty and wanting to release the pain I have inside but I cannot. Yesterday was the 1st day with NC and we decided to leave some 5 days before we talk again. I just felt I had every piece of my life falling into the right place and now it is completely messed up. I know that this is now over and i don't want to recover it cause i know what she feels, she's afraid that it will hurt even more missing me every day and if we keep on going with this and then it's time to break up it would be worst then now. I explained how i think it that I would have preferred breaking up when we lose the interest towards each other but she told me for her is difficult to lose interest in me, cause I'm the one she ever looked for, the distance was the problem and this type of relationship was starting to feel like she's talking to a friend since we cannot meet whenever we want like a couple. Now my problem is that she wants to come over to my country for a couple of days for a proper good bye cause we still care for each other and she thought a lot that we should properly talk in person, but I don't know if this is good cause it will hurt even more for me. I still want to remain a special friends with her cause i feel so comfortable to talk to her and we shared so many special times with each other (our first time, included). That's why I really don't know what to do about the meeting her again for a good bye, I want to see her again, but I don't want my mind to hope for second chances and I want to remember that our last physical meeting ended with a kiss and an I love you with the certainty of meeting again. Please help me I really don't know what to do.
blugirl Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I know how it feels, I miss someone too but I'm fully aware what hardships are connected with LDR and I'm willing to take it all no matter what for the sake of being with someone I have such an amazing connection with. Though my situation couldn't be worse, as for now but I will fight for my happiness. So the question is, how psychically strong both of you are and... how strong your love and motivation to go on is? For me it's a bit weird cause I'd never give up just of fear of suffering from missing someone. Cause it's better to fight for the happiness with someone you gave a genuine connection with than to be with an average local, that's what I think. Life is not all about happiness only, you know. I'd say, meet up with her and talk it all out with her through. So there's nothing that would still need to be said and not clear enough. Tell her honestly how do you feel and what do you want. From what you've described it sounds like a promising relationship, it would be such a waste to end it >< But it's all in your hands, of course. Keep us updated and I wish so much that you two could remain together (I know, I'm a hopeless romantic ).
Author markdemicoli Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 Unfortunately I tried what I could to convince her that now it's not the time to end it. I would have perfectly understood her if she decided to quit when we were losing interest in each other, but why now, why we are still so loving towards each other? I said all this to her by writing a long email so that I could express my feelings better if I have time to think and sent her the email while we were on video chat, and was watching her reading it and (crying ) She is determined cause she told me that she is not able to suffer so much by missing, or waiting 2 months every time to meet, and I told her that I don't want to force her into anything she is not 100% confident in, cause it would not be fair both on her and on me. She told me that she had been thinking on this "no future" problem for quite some days and she also lost appetite and was eating very poorly lately cause of this feeling. I perfectly understand her fear of attaching even much more and knowing that there are very very very minimum chances of a successful relationship due to the distance, age, school and my work (she's studying for a doctor and has still around 10 more years to specialize, i finished my degree course and just started working and I would like to do at least 2years experience where I am right now). I still need to think a lot before I tell her if she should come over to my country to meet or not, cause I know that this is to end our relationship and I really am afraid of throwing away all the healing I might get until then, but I want to see her so bad! Today I texted her that I am still not ready to chat again and if she minds if we talk on thursday (on sunday there was the famous end of story conversations and we decided to leave 1 day and talk on tuesday). I really don't know how to proceed on with this, I really wish to keep on with this relationship but I know she's determined on not to suffer and that she can't make it. Thanks for your help
spice4life Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Unfortunately I tried what I could to convince her that now it's not the time to end it. I would have perfectly understood her if she decided to quit when we were losing interest in each other, but why now, why we are still so loving towards each other? I said all this to her by writing a long email so that I could express my feelings better if I have time to think and sent her the email while we were on video chat, and was watching her reading it and (crying ) She is determined cause she told me that she is not able to suffer so much by missing, or waiting 2 months every time to meet, and I told her that I don't want to force her into anything she is not 100% confident in, cause it would not be fair both on her and on me. She told me that she had been thinking on this "no future" problem for quite some days and she also lost appetite and was eating very poorly lately cause of this feeling. I perfectly understand her fear of attaching even much more and knowing that there are very very very minimum chances of a successful relationship due to the distance, age, school and my work (she's studying for a doctor and has still around 10 more years to specialize, i finished my degree course and just started working and I would like to do at least 2years experience where I am right now). I still need to think a lot before I tell her if she should come over to my country to meet or not, cause I know that this is to end our relationship and I really am afraid of throwing away all the healing I might get until then, but I want to see her so bad! Today I texted her that I am still not ready to chat again and if she minds if we talk on thursday (on sunday there was the famous end of story conversations and we decided to leave 1 day and talk on tuesday). I really don't know how to proceed on with this, I really wish to keep on with this relationship but I know she's determined on not to suffer and that she can't make it. Thanks for your help It seems to me, from what you have written, that she is telling you that it may never fizzle out for her if she stays involved with you. And instead of respecting that, you tell her you want to stay involved till the honeymoon is over and nothing more. That's like telling her that she is only worth your attention until she is no longer the "object of your desire." Honestly, that is a smack in the face to her. I'm actually surprised that she wants to meet up one more time. If you care about her, you would advise her that this not such a good idea. It appears she is also telling you that if she stays involved with you, in this no future relationship, she is passing up meeting someone who is a nice match for her. She sounds like she is looking at the reality of the situation. Why would someone want to stay in a relationship that has no chance of going anywhere. And more importantly, why would they stay and be told it has no chance over and over. She is doing the right thing by ending it because being told that again and again is hurtful if she feels different. JMHO. No offense intended.
Author markdemicoli Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 no no that's not what I told her. That's what I assume made her wanting to end this relationship. I took that 0.01% chance that this relationship might lead to something. and I didn't want to stay with her until there was no interest, I meant that I would have expected breaking up only when with time we lose interest towards each other and not when we still care so much for each other, that's what surprised and shocked me that from one day of planning our next meeting and wanting to come even earlier, she moved to the better ending our relationship now so that she cannot hurt any longer by missing me and seeing me or her leave everytime at the airport.
spice4life Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 no no that's not what I told her. That's what I assume made her wanting to end this relationship. I took that 0.01% chance that this relationship might lead to something. and I didn't want to stay with her until there was no interest, I meant that I would have expected breaking up only when with time we lose interest towards each other and not when we still care so much for each other, that's what surprised and shocked me that from one day of planning our next meeting and wanting to come even earlier, she moved to the better ending our relationship now so that she cannot hurt any longer by missing me and seeing me or her leave everytime at the airport. I apologize if I misunderstood. Your original post makes it sound like that's what you told her. In any case, if all she knew was that you only thought there was a .01% chance of the reationship working out, that istill very painful for her. If she truly has feelings for you anyway. As a woman myself, I know it would be extremely hard for me to continue if I had deep feelings for someone, but they thought it had an extremely low chance of it working out. It's a very painful situation to be in. Just trying to shed some light on what she may be thinking. No offense, just insight.
skydiveaddict Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I know how it feels, I miss someone too but I'm fully aware what hardships are connected with LDR and I'm willing to take it all no matter what for the sake of being with someone I have such an amazing connection with. These are wise words. You only get one shot in this life, And if you're lucky enough to find "the one", the distance between you shouldn't matter.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 i think she's just scared of her feelings for you and seeing the worse of the situation because of this fear. tell her that her fears are valid but why break something without trying it first? won't it be a beautiful experience even if it does not work in the end?
Author markdemicoli Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 No, I never mentioned chances or percentages to her, that's what I think that made her opting to close our relationship now. I always hanged up to that low percentage myself cause what I always told her is that I would for sure not have regrets that I tried whatever possible. But she told me that she's sorry that she cannot think it as positive as I do, and where I see that we'll meet, she looks at the day we'll leave again and those day remaining till we meet again. I tried to talk to her about this, I tried what ever I could, but I must put my heart at rest cause she's determined in it. For her this is the hardest year at school, she needs good grades to chose the best university and therefore she's under stress, she's still at school and still has a lot of years ahead, and not much money to travel that often (obviously I would be also traveling there, I told her I don't expect only her to come and I offered to help her in the air tkt etc.). But she knows that she will not move over to my country for sure, and that I would need a minimum of 2years to move over to hers and she's not ready to wait for such a long commitment right now. It's a mess all the problems (distance, school, work, etc..) that made the glass in her mind break. TokyoG33kyGal Believe me I did try to convince her not to be afraid and why stop something only because you fear that it might end one day. Qouting from my letter to her: "Why cut a growing flower while it is still a bulb and never enjoy the nice open grown up flower because you know and you are afraid that the flower will spoil one day?" I don't know, I am sure it is the end and there is no way of coming back from her decision and I understand her, I just need to convince my heart that this is really over. I'll talk to her tomorrow about all this and about my dilemma of meeting her again or not, I really don't know about that!
misippe Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 It's understandable... An LDR is not for everyone, and you have to be very strong to go through it. I understand her, that she wants to "break up" (allthough you shouldn't call it like that), because she cannot deal with the hurt. But, the fact that she wants to visit you for a final good bye, says to me that she has doubts. She wants you, but she doesn't want the pain. Perhaps her visit to your country will boost your relationship again. Beware though, cause she will feel the hurt again, and will want to break up again. If everything will turn out fine when she comes to visit you, I think you both should start talking about the future. You musn't talk about marriage or so, just give your relationship a direction. Tell her for example that you will move to her for a couple of months in a year... This will give hope.
Author markdemicoli Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 It's understandable... An LDR is not for everyone, and you have to be very strong to go through it. I understand her, that she wants to "break up" (allthough you shouldn't call it like that), because she cannot deal with the hurt. But, the fact that she wants to visit you for a final good bye, says to me that she has doubts. She wants you, but she doesn't want the pain. Perhaps her visit to your country will boost your relationship again. Beware though, cause she will feel the hurt again, and will want to break up again. If everything will turn out fine when she comes to visit you, I think you both should start talking about the future. You musn't talk about marriage or so, just give your relationship a direction. Tell her for example that you will move to her for a couple of months in a year... This will give hope. I know that maybe she has doubts but I don't want to force her and myself that this relationship can work of second hopes etc. I really want to see her so bad and that is understandable cause I care a lot for her and she means a lot for me, but I think she simply cannot bare anymore the difficulty of an LDR. She told me: "I know that his sound very selfish, but for me not even a visit every month could relieve the pain of missing you and I know that by time we'll get more attracted towards each other and it would hurt breaking up much more than it hurts now, I know that it will take me weeks to recover a bit but I cannot hurt everyday for missing you". And I told her that I am really sorry but I really cannot move to her country soon, I need those 2years before I can move and I am sure she's not ready for such a commitment of living together etc. I don't know, I'm really lost.
Author markdemicoli Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 I had a lot of time to think, miss, and trying to figure out what to do during these 4 days of NC. Whereas Monday was a day of denial that this relationship couldn't be over, tuesday was a day of trying to convince my self that this relationship is over, yesterday and most of all today I want to try to save it. I know it is nearly impossible but I will fight for that little chance to convince my other half that we shouldn't end this. I realized how much I care for her during these last 4 days. I don't know if for her is the same, probably she's not determined any more like me as she's the one that chose to end this relationship, but tonight I'll try to talk to her to see what she's really feeling, why she wants to end this, what else can we do to change it and if she wants to change it. Probably I'll hurt even more but I am determined to try.
hoping2heal Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 OP, this girl is a real wuss. I mean, on the one hand I certainly commend her for being honest enough to tell you how she feels. She really cannot be all that resilient. You wouldn't believe some of the things people on here have endured for the sake of their LDR men. Your situation would be like eating ice cream for them, self included. I know that LDR's are very difficult and not for the faint of heart, but people endure really amazing things when they are madly in love.
Author markdemicoli Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 OP, this girl is a real wuss. I mean, on the one hand I certainly commend her for being honest enough to tell you how she feels. She really cannot be all that resilient. You wouldn't believe some of the things people on here have endured for the sake of their LDR men. Your situation would be like eating ice cream for them, self included. I know that LDR's are very difficult and not for the faint of heart, but people endure really amazing things when they are madly in love. Basically we talked yesterday after 4 days of NC. This time I was not under the effect of the 'break up' news of sunday and therefore I could manage to discuss. I showed her that I am willing to talk and help her clear all her doubts. she says she's still confused and I told her that is the fuel that keeps me stubborn and to fight for this relationship, because I know that deep down in your heart you don't want this. We, actually I talked a lot and she told me that apart from the problem of distance that she really can't manage that much with it, (i know not everyone is capable of comping with an LDR) she's worried about the future. That for example now she has exams every 3 months and that from next year she'll start having them every 3 weeks and she would be living on her own in a student house with no money and not much time for this relationship. She told me that she doesn't even know if she's capable of coping with a relationship. I know that a normal relationship would be much easy cause you don't need to take 5 days off from school etc to meet, you can just meet at night or skip one day, and I understand her worries. I told her that I can understand the importance of the accademic life cause I've just finished mine and I know how hard it is, and I wouldn't even dream of interfering with that, I told her I can wait when she has no time, and I can help to talk whenever she has problems. Now we agreed on another two days for her to think about it, I know that she's still determined on not to hurt cause of the missing problem and cause of her worries for the future, but for me what ever happens, I know and would be with my heart at rest that I did whatever possible, I cannot just move my country over to there I can accept to be the one to move over there but not earlier than another or 2 years. I am not hoping for second chances or for her to change her mind but I am not feeling depressed as I was on Monday.
Recommended Posts