Star Gazer Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 He HAS ended it, GC...by ignoring you. Please, have some pride and stop texting and calling him.
OceanGirl Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 GC, this is really sad. Reading how you wanted him to meet you brother even though this "relationship" was over months ago. Please, delete his number and all past texts. Just do it.
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Why doesn't he just end it if he isn't interested? Is it that he doesn't have the heart to, and he's dragging it on to delay it? Do men do this often when they want things to end? Sorry if this is harsh ... But there is, and never was, any "it" to "end." Your "relationship" with this guy was a non-event, it did not launch. There is nothing to be "patient" about. NOTHING. In real sincerity, I ask you to explain why you are not willing to understand this. It is really hard to read your posts about it. You and he agreed to date exclusively the first time you met ... you went on maybe 3 dates, you did have sex with him (why? Were you just wanting to get laid? That's not wrong), but no relationship EVER HAPPENED. Do you disagree with this?
Author GooseChaser Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 I refer not to a relationship, but to my arrangement of "exclusive dating" with him, which began on our first date in October. To the best of my knowledge, this has not changed, and therefore I assume that he is not dating anyone else, and hasn't been. I'm not sure where you got the count of three dates from, because I've counted 10 or 11 with him, unless some of them don't count or something for some reason. I agree that there is no official "relationship". I wasn't trying to get anything from him with the sex, I guess I just wanted to feel closer to him through that. He was treating me better back then, too. I've actually heard from him a fair amount through texts these last few weeks. He's said sorry a few times when he took a long time to respond, and expressed interest in seeing me again also. I'll give a few examples: 1) Dec. 26: I suggested that we could hang out sometime after I got home from vacation. He responded with something like, "Sure, that would be good", or something like that. Here, he's actually directly saying that he would like to see me again. 2) A few days later: After calling a few times and not being able to reach him, I sent a message apologizing in case I was contacting too much, and I said I would stop and relax. In response, he said that he was sorry, that he hadn't been ignoring me, and he had been trying to take care of things. He then said that he was glad that I got home fine and that I had fun. 3) I asked him if he would like to go out sometime the week before school started again, re-sent the message after he didn't answer, and then said that it was okay if he was busy. Again, he responded giving the usual "busy" excuse, and went on to say that he wasn't sure how this week would be for him, but the next few days were packed. This doesn't set a specific day to meet, but it does make it sound like he would like to see me again, when it is convenient to him, of course. I know, guys, I'm delusional, you don't have to tell me again. I do hear what you're saying, and you have good advice.
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 You really believe he's still dating you exclusively, despite the fact he hasn't made any effort to see you for over 6 weeks?
Author GooseChaser Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 You really believe he's still dating you exclusively, despite the fact he hasn't made any effort to see you for over 6 weeks? I saw him three weeks ago. o-o
Author GooseChaser Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 Aaannnd, you had sex with him? Yes; we went over it earlier in the thread. I know, I shouldn't have, but it won't happen again for a good while after this. What I would really like to work on with him would be communication anyway, if I had the option. I know it's possible that I might not, and that's okay. Are you thinking that the fact that I did is part of why he is acting this way?
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Yes; we went over it earlier in the thread. I know, I shouldn't have, but it won't happen again for a good while after this. What I would really like to work on with him would be communication anyway, if I had the option. I know it's possible that I might not, and that's okay. Are you thinking that the fact that I did is part of why he is acting this way? Um ... he is not acting any way at all. You are not a part of his life. Stuff like this: 1) Dec. 26: I suggested that we could hang out sometime after I got home from vacation. He responded with something like, "Sure, that would be good", or something like that. Here, he's actually directly saying that he would like to see me again. No! GooseChaser, no, that is not what he is saying at all. He is giving the normal, socially accepted response that one gives to a suggestion like you made. I swear, you seem like a kind, sweet, and very young person. But I'm getting a little mad at you, because I don't want you to continue to put yourself in situations like this one. Do you WANT to be brutally rejected? Even when you ARE brutally rejected, does that get through to you? I remember your FWB situation; I think there was some pretty brutal rejection going on there that you actually shared with all of us without seeming to have understood. Do you generally have some trouble picking up on social cues in various areas of your life? Is this something that you've been talking about with your counsellor?
Author GooseChaser Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 Um ... he is not acting any way at all. You are not a part of his life. I agree that he doesn't involve me in his life. Stuff like this: No! GooseChaser, no, that is not what he is saying at all. He is giving the normal, socially accepted response that one gives to a suggestion like you made. I swear, you seem like a kind, sweet, and very young person. But I'm getting a little mad at you, because I don't want you to continue to put yourself in situations like this one. Do you WANT to be brutally rejected? Even when you ARE brutally rejected, does that get through to you? I remember your FWB situation; I think there was some pretty brutal rejection going on there that you actually shared with all of us without seeming to have understood. Do you generally have some trouble picking up on social cues in various areas of your life? Is this something that you've been talking about with your counsellor? So you're saying that you believe that he is spineless, just says what he thinks I want to hear, and doesn't intend to follow through with his words?
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I agree that he doesn't involve me in his life. So you're saying that you believe that he is spineless, just says what he thinks I want to hear, and doesn't intend to follow through with his words? I don't even know. I will say that I'm not spineless at all. If an acquaintance of mine says something like "wow, we should totally get together next month sometime" I am likely to say something like "Sure, that would be good;" whether or not I had any intention of making the time to see that person. It's normal. It really doesn't mean that I am "directly saying that I'd like to see them." Do you think you have difficulties in general with picking up on social cues throughout your life?
Author GooseChaser Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 Interesting thoughts... thanks guys! If it doesn't work out with this guy, I plan to stay single afterward until next fall when I get to my university across the country. I can spare a few more weeks to wait and see if he makes any effort. After that, if there isn't improvement, I will consider letting him go.
Author GooseChaser Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 I don't even know. I will say that I'm not spineless at all. If an acquaintance of mine says something like "wow, we should totally get together next month sometime" I am likely to say something like "Sure, that would be good;" whether or not I had any intention of making the time to see that person. It's normal. It really doesn't mean that I am "directly saying that I'd like to see them." Do you think you have difficulties in general with picking up on social cues throughout your life? I wasn't calling you spineless; I'm sorry if it sounded that way. No, I'm generally average in my ability to pick up on social cues, I would say. I don't have major difficulties with it. I will say that I am a bit introverted, though, and much more so when I was younger than I am now.
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I wasn't calling you spineless; I'm sorry if it sounded that way. No, I'm generally average in my ability to pick up on social cues, I would say. I don't have major difficulties with it. I will say that I am a bit introverted, though, and much more so when I was younger than I am now. No worries, I did not think you'd called me spineless. I was making an example: I myself am NOT spineless, but I could respond just like this guy did. What is this supposed to mean? I will consider letting him go. YOU have already been let go! Arrrgh! Now I'm gnashing my teeth and rending my garments in abject frustration. I wish I understood what is driving this determination of yours to be an oblivious ostrich. I swear, I have not encountered anything quite like it. Anyway, best of luck to you when you get to your school - I hope things go much better this time around.
Author GooseChaser Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 The nice thing is that it would make things much less complicated if I went to the university unattached, because then I would really be starting anew. Sounds like fun! "Letting him go", or in other words, "giving up". You know, you're really picky about wordings. Thanks Mme. Chaucer! I am sure that it will! I'm looking forward to it!
Author GooseChaser Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 No, I'm thinking the only reason he continues the minimal contact he has with you is because you give it up so easily. Could be. Who knows. I think her FWB situation helped set the pattern that the only way to win the guy is through sex. I'll work on that. I've gone through my crazy period this last year-- I was a late-bloomer-- but I think after this I will try to be more balanced.
OceanGirl Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 interesting thoughts... Thanks guys! if it doesn't work out with this guy, i plan to stay single afterward until next fall when i get to my university across the country. I can spare a few more weeks to wait and see if he makes any effort. After that, if there isn't improvement, i will consider letting him go. it already didn't work out with this guy. Arghhkjfltgjrfdjdski
Author GooseChaser Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 it already didn't work out with this guy. Arghhkjfltgjrfdjdski I think you guys need to chill. I'm not going to rewrite everything that includes the word "it" and the phrase "work out". It gets tiring. (I was doing that for a while.) If it helps, I'm not going to expect a response from him, so I won't even be waiting! How's that? Hehe.
Smoky Day Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 If it helps, I'm not going to expect a response from him, so I won't even be waiting! How's that? Hehe. That's a step in the right direction.
Lovegood Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 GC, I am really curious about your approach to relationships. A few of your comments throughout the thread almost sounded as if you had been researching what it is that men are looking for in women. Reading relationship books/advice and trying to follow it. To be honest, I don't know why you're still waiting around for this guy. It doesn't sound like fun at all. Who wants to sit around and wait for a guy to show a little interest? You're hanging on by a thread sweetie, there was nothing there to begin with. Is it possible that by spending so much time away from him you're having to rely on fantasy? Creating the perfect man and projecting him onto this guy you barely know? Because, really, you barely know him. Nobody is THAT busy. You need to stop making excuses for him. You're going away to school, don't complicate things with a LDR, especially not with this guy.
Author GooseChaser Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 GC, I am really curious about your approach to relationships. A few of your comments throughout the thread almost sounded as if you had been researching what it is that men are looking for in women. Reading relationship books/advice and trying to follow it. To be honest, I don't know why you're still waiting around for this guy. It doesn't sound like fun at all. Who wants to sit around and wait for a guy to show a little interest? You're hanging on by a thread sweetie, there was nothing there to begin with. Is it possible that by spending so much time away from him you're having to rely on fantasy? Creating the perfect man and projecting him onto this guy you barely know? Because, really, you barely know him. Nobody is THAT busy. You need to stop making excuses for him. You're going away to school, don't complicate things with a LDR, especially not with this guy. You're right, it isn't fun. It's hard to wait because people always have their cell phones, and I know that if he really wanted to contact me, it would be so easy for him to do. The only thing that's stopping him is that he just doesn't care enough. It's just that I wanted to give it my all before giving up, even if there was just a thread. Maybe there's a little bit of fantasy and wondering what "could be", but I think at this point I'm also getting a more realistic picture of him through his behavior, including the bad things I didn't see before. That makes it possible for me to get sick of how he treats me and get ready to give up. I'm not the only one making excuses; he gives me plenty of excuses himself... and that's not good. I know he could make time if he really wanted to, and obviously I'm not a high enough priority to him to do that. It will likely be over soon.
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 It will likely be over soon. There was never an "it" to be over to begin with! And if there was, it's been over for a long time now. Why are you waiting for him to pull the non-existent plug? Why haven't you done it yourself?
Author GooseChaser Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 There was never an "it" to be over to begin with! And if there was, it's been over for a long time now. Why are you waiting for him to pull the non-existent plug? Why haven't you done it yourself? If it's so non-existent, why does it need to be pulled? Fine, I'll get to it before too long!
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 If it's so non-existent, why does it need to be pulled? Fine, I'll get to it before too long! Stop being coy. Be an adult. Assuming that "it" exists, ANSWER THE QUESTION. Why haven't you ended it? Why are you waiting for him to to end it? Why are you letting him mistreat you, use you, ignore you? Why are you letting him wipe his feet on you? Why are you waiting around? Why are you letting him make the decisions? Why haven't you taken control of your own life? Why haven't you decided that this is not what you want and moved on? Why aren't you taking active steps to find someone who will treat you right? Why aren't you looking for happiness?
Author GooseChaser Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 Stop being coy. Be an adult. Assuming that "it" exists, ANSWER THE QUESTION. Why haven't you ended it? Why are you waiting for him to to end it? Why are you letting him mistreat you, use you, ignore you? Why are you letting him wipe his feet on you? Why are you waiting around? Why are you letting him make the decisions? Why haven't you taken control of your own life? Why haven't you decided that this is not what you want and moved on? Why aren't you taking active steps to find someone who will treat you right? Why aren't you looking for happiness? Geez, I was just making a joke. Hehehe. Even if I did call him tonight with the intention of ending it, he probably wouldn't answer his phone, and it seems like it would be better to say it to him personally rather than leaving an "it's over" message, if I had the choice. Or would it be okay to leave a message and then let him call if he wanted to ask questions or whatever? I just don't want to rush this, and I want to make sure I do it right. I'm using the time to think about it and be sure it's what I want to do (which at this rate it will be), because it's a very final decision. I also have to know how to do it, so I'm thinking about that too. I'm letting him make his choice; deciding to do nothing is a choice. He is showing through his actions and lack thereof how he feels, and that helps me become even more sure in my choice. I'm only giving him time so he has a chance to make things better; it's his loss if he doesn't take it. It's late now, anyway. It can wait until tomorrow or a day or two. I might as well sleep on it. There aren't any active steps to take to find someone else. I will wait to look for men until I get to my four-year university, which I'm starting at this fall. Until then, I need to find happiness in places besides men.
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