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Four weeks apart-- is there hope?


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Posted
I suppose a big part of it is my inexperience and fear of losing him. I already am not totally sure how much I should ask for from a guy, so I go to the extreme and ask for too little. What can I expect at this stage? A bit more effort on his part? Regular phone calls on his end? Would it be a bad idea for me to ask him if anything's wrong, considering it's been 5 and a half weeks since we've seen each other? It's just ridiculous.

 

It is a bad idea for you to be even dating exclusively someone who can't be bothered to see you for 5.5 weeks.

 

GC, I like you, but I fail to see how you can make a thread, get 100% negative advice from it, yet go ahead anyway. Seldom have I seen so many people so united in an opinion, except in your threads.

 

Has there never been a guy who was actually into you, GC? I don't mean by the crazy standards some people here set (ie responding to texts within the hour 100% of the time and never having to cancel a date), but at least regular contact and some initiative to meet up?

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Posted
It is a bad idea for you to be even dating exclusively someone who can't be bothered to see you for 5.5 weeks.

 

GC, I like you, but I fail to see how you can make a thread, get 100% negative advice from it, yet go ahead anyway. Seldom have I seen so many people so united in an opinion, except in your threads.

 

Has there never been a guy who was actually into you, GC? I don't mean by the crazy standards some people here set (ie responding to texts within the hour 100% of the time and never having to cancel a date), but at least regular contact and some initiative to meet up?

Part of why I'm not getting super-upset over the 5-week break is because next fall I am likely going to go to a university on the other side of the country. If I go and we stay together, we will be apart for stretches of time that are much longer than 5 weeks. In fact, this guy is the first one I've met that actually seems to be willing to consider the idea of a long distance relationship, and he has even shown that he could handle some distance. As I believe I could.

 

Sorry I didn't mention that before, guys. I know it's another big thing that I should mention. :o

 

I know that I am getting mostly negative advice, and it is really helping me see things in this situation that I should think about. It's actually a little eerie to me to always get negative advice. It makes me feel like people aren't considering all of the aspects of the situation, only focusing on the not-so-good ones. It makes it feel a little biased.

 

This guy seems into me, if a bit... clueless and introverted at times. Everything was practically perfect with him before the 5-week break. We had contact, we met up regularly. I have no idea why he took such a long time, but he must have needed it. Sometimes guys need space: to think, to work, to have solitude during stressful times. Yes, it was inconsiderate. Yes, he doesn't handle everything in the best manner. I don't know what's coming in the future, and I hope he becomes more attentive after this, but I will take it as it comes and evaluate his interest or non-interest for myself. I can handle it.

 

I know it's frustrating to watch someone make decisions that you feel are mistakes. The thing is, I am the one who is in this situation, I have a first-person view of it, and I have the choice of using my own judgment and choosing which advice to take, which to reject, and which to save for a later time. I know you guys don't trust me to make the right decisions, but that's okay. Sometimes I like to take risks, and I believe that failure teaches lessons. I know it's frustrating, and I know things sounds bad here, but let me get my life experience. Let me succeed or fail, whichever is in store for this situation. I'll be okay, whether it works out with a guy or not. (Please don't jump on the "it" in my sentence, people. I know. It's just how I talk.) If a relationship isn't in our future, I will be free to meet other great men, and life will go on. I'm still young and have plenty of time to meet the right person.

Posted

I completely agree. However, in most cases it seems like you already have your mind made up and are only looking for validation. I have yet to see you follow a single piece of advice in all your threads. In that case, don't you think it's rather counterproductive to post about it? ;)

 

And trust me on this, as someone who has done 2 years of LDR and frequented the LDR forums. People who are bad at keeping in contact when you cannot meet up, are BAD candidates for LDRs.

 

Look at your post: You're sticking with him because 'you fear losing him', because 'he's the only one who seems interested in maintaining a LDR'. Are those good reasons?

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Posted (edited)
I completely agree. However, in most cases it seems like you already have your mind made up and are only looking for validation. I have yet to see you follow a single piece of advice in all your threads. In that case, don't you think it's rather counterproductive to post about it? ;)

 

And trust me on this, as someone who has done 2 years of LDR and frequented the LDR forums. People who are bad at keeping in contact when you cannot meet up, are BAD candidates for LDRs.

 

Look at your post: You're sticking with him because 'you fear losing him', because 'he's the only one who seems interested in maintaining a LDR'. Are those good reasons?

Oh, come on, does it look like I'm getting validation here? :laugh: Hehehe. :p I haven't abandoned the thread in exasperation over the lack of optimism yet! :D I don't know if it's counterproductive to post about it, but there is good that can come of the thread anyway. It encourages me to keep my perspective grounded and realistic. It allows other people to read about my experiences and learn from it. I for one think those things are useful. :)

 

You have a good point about the LDR contact thing. I'm sure it's essential to have good communication when you're separated by distance.

 

Hey, those aren't the only reasons! There are plenty of good things about him. Maybe I didn't go into enough detail. About the "fear of losing him," that was one of the reasons I gave for why I would put up with his behavior. I actually thought that that was a good revelation on my part. I think it's true. The willingness to maintain a LDR is one good thing, but of course it doesn't stand on its own as the reason to stay with a guy. It only supplements other good things. I'll go ahead and list them.

 

I'll start with personality. He is sweet, charming, romantic, and passionate. He is inquisitive and loves to learn. He is a very hard worker. He is very interested in science, like me, and we both hope to become professionals in that field. He is adventurous and energetic. He told me he isn't a sports person, but then I found he had many active interests, including walking, surfing, roller skating, and skiing. (We have done all of these activities together except for the skiing.)

 

Appearance... he's cute. I'd even say hot. He's in shape. He has pretty green eyes. :)

 

There's probably more I could say, but that's a good start. It's late and I'm tired. :p

Edited by GooseChaser
Posted

Aren't you meeting up with him tonight?

 

How did that go?

Posted

Well, I'm sure you'll live and learn.

 

Hopefully one day you'll realize that people rarely improve on their enthusiasm towards a relationship or a person they like as months progress. So if someone starts off THAT lukewarm, the prognosis is pretty poor.

Posted (edited)

GC when ever you have the chance, do take some time out of your day and read a thread titled "what gives?"..a thread started by me, explaining my situation with a woman I shared a mostly lovely 2 months with.

 

You'll notice she slowly distanced herself from me, and disappeared. Like you, I remained optimistic to a certain extent. I believed her when she said she was busy with work and finals, cause well, ****, I'm an honest person - why can't other people be right?

 

It is now our Winter Break, and after blowing me off an hour before our scheduled date last Friday night, she has not made an effort or attempted to see/contact me.

 

GC, we're in the same boat, and I've finally realized what everyone here is screaming at you, as they were with me. If someone is generally interested in you, they'd make the time to call you, even text you. It takes seconds to minutes.

 

****, if Jason was chasing me down a hallway and I knew I was going to die, I can think of a couple people I could call on my cell phone mid chase and scream several heart felt things at them before I get chopped to pieces.

 

My point? Let it go early GC, what I didn't do....

Edited by mr.dream merchant
Posted

Did you meet up with him last night? What happened?

Posted
Did you meet up with him last night? What happened?

 

I think if the meet-up had actually happened she would've already updated with it. It probably didn't happen, and if I'm right that just makes her most recent posts even sadder.

Posted
I just caught him on Facebook and sent a message (I couldn't resist), and he's talking! :bunny::bunny::bunny: He says his Calculus final today went great, and he thinks he got an A. Tomorrow he has his other final. :) Yay!

 

In this entire conversation, did he ask any questions about you other than "How are you doing?"

 

He sounds like he's just being polite...

Posted
Part of why I'm not getting super-upset over the 5-week break is because next fall I am likely going to go to a university on the other side of the country. If I go and we stay together, we will be apart for stretches of time that are much longer than 5 weeks. In fact, this guy is the first one I've met that actually seems to be willing to consider the idea of a long distance relationship, and he has even shown that he could handle some distance. As I believe I could.

 

No. Absolutely not. No. Repeat. No.

 

If he can't be bothered to see you at least once a week when you're local or talk to you at least every few days, a long distance relationship is not going to work. Take a look at the LDR forums. Without the presence of physical contact, extended and capable communication are essential, starting with a willingness to engage in at least occasional video chat.

 

Trust us LDR'ers. Long Distance Relationships require work on both sides. One person cannot always be doing the communication. Going for weeks at a time without communication and without the possibility of seeing your significant other is... unbearable. The former is tough. The later is tough. If an LDR couple ever combines both for a significant amount of time, resentment, jealousy, confusion, doubt, and regret all manifest.

 

You can always meet other "sweet, charming, romantic, and passionate" guys...

  • Author
Posted
Did you meet up with him last night? What happened?

Yes, I did. He picked me up from my [parents'] house as usual. On the way there he asked me what I would like to do, I didn't mind, and sohe mentioned that he would prefer something low-cost for today (he's a broke college student like me). We decided that we would have a movie night at his place. We got there, and he showed me the movie that he had picked out-- "Love Actually". I hadn't seen it before but thought it sounded familiar. I said sure, and he started to set up his Playstation for the movie. After that, well, we never got to the movie. I didn't mind. ;) We were there for four hours. At one point we fell asleep in each others' arms. His attention was totally focused on me, and I had a nice time. :) About missing the movie, he said, "You distracted me!" :laugh: He also said that we will be able to watch the movie at a later date.

Posted

Did you even TALK to him about any of your concerns at all? Or did that plan just go out the window?

 

He has so totally got you where he wants you. HE NEGLECTS YOU FOR FIVE WEEKS, and you still have sex with him at the end of it all. He is taking total advantage of you and what's worse is that you are letting him. This is really very sad.

  • Author
Posted
No. Absolutely not. No. Repeat. No.

 

If he can't be bothered to see you at least once a week when you're local or talk to you at least every few days, a long distance relationship is not going to work. Take a look at the LDR forums. Without the presence of physical contact, extended and capable communication are essential, starting with a willingness to engage in at least occasional video chat.

 

Trust us LDR'ers. Long Distance Relationships require work on both sides. One person cannot always be doing the communication. Going for weeks at a time without communication and without the possibility of seeing your significant other is... unbearable. The former is tough. The later is tough. If an LDR couple ever combines both for a significant amount of time, resentment, jealousy, confusion, doubt, and regret all manifest.

 

You can always meet other "sweet, charming, romantic, and passionate" guys...

I agree. Thanks for the LDR advice! I'll try to work on the communication with him and talk to him about the importance of at least keeping in touch regularly over the phone or computer when we can't see each other in person. If the combined contact in-person and over communication media doesn't improve to be sufficient, you are right, there are lots of great people out there. I'm sure the university I will likely be going to has plenty of great men. :)

Posted
Did you even TALK to him about any of your concerns at all? Or did that plan just go out the window?

 

He has so totally got you where he wants you. HE NEGLECTS YOU FOR FIVE WEEKS, and you still have sex with him at the end of it all. He is taking total advantage of you and what's worse is that you are letting him. This is really very sad.

 

I couldn't agree more. This whole hang-out thing was merely a pretext to get some NSA sex, and he succeeded.

 

GC, your threads are getting painful to read. EVERYONE can see what's going on here except you. Do you have any friends IRL who you can show these threads, someone you'll actually BELIEVE and will follow their advice??

  • Author
Posted
Did you even TALK to him about any of your concerns at all? Or did that plan just go out the window?

 

He has so totally got you where he wants you. HE NEGLECTS YOU FOR FIVE WEEKS, and you still have sex with him at the end of it all. He is taking total advantage of you and what's worse is that you are letting him. This is really very sad.

I still remember that I need to have that talk with him, yes. My text to him yesterday was a start; I asked him if anything was wrong, mentioning the long period of time that had passed since we had seen each other. So far it seems like his answer to that would be no, or so I hope. I didn't have a big talk this time because it doesn't seem like there's a big rush to do it and I wanted to keep it light yesterday for the reunion. It doesn't seem like he's going anywhere, so I can have that talk sometime in the next few weeks, whenever it's convenient. And if he WAS going somewhere, well, my concerns would be irrelevant. I was going to mention it on the drive back to my house, but I got really nervous thinking about it and decided to wait so I could steel myself for the talk.

 

Well, I can talk to him about it on the phone soon, or wait until our next meetup, whenever that is. The sooner, the better, you guys think?

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Posted
I couldn't agree more. This whole hang-out thing was merely a pretext to get some NSA sex, and he succeeded.

 

GC, your threads are getting painful to read. EVERYONE can see what's going on here except you. Do you have any friends IRL who you can show these threads, someone you'll actually BELIEVE and will follow their advice??

I like to keep my Loveshack private from family and friends because the nature of this forum leads to posting lots of private information. :o I can definitely talk with my friend again and let her know what's happening. She loves listening to stories and giving advice, so I think she'd like that. :)

Posted

Heck yes, the sooner the better! Though I highly doubt it will help. As I said in a previous post, he will probably dump you because you're shoveling all these expectations on him now after you've taken all his BS and neglect for WEEKS, or just say "Okay sure" and go on ignoring you just like he had been, hoping you'll just get the hint and leave him alone.

 

Of course nothing is wrong for him! He's getting exactly what he wants out of you! In you, he has someone who has shown herself to be perfectly fine with the level of neglect he has been showing you and STILL give him sex whenever HE decides he wants to take some time out to see you! He is shamelessly, unabashedly USING you, and you are LETTING HIM. Can you really not see this??

Posted

 

Of course nothing is wrong for him! He's getting exactly what he wants out of you! In you, he has someone who has shown herself to be perfectly fine with the level of neglect he has been showing you and STILL give him sex whenever HE decides he wants to take some time out to see you! He is shamelessly, unabashedly USING you, and you are LETTING HIM. Can you really not see this??

 

Agreed :(

 

Goosechaser, please... why are you disrespecting yourself like this??? People will treat you how you let them... don't let him treat you this way. If you don't like that he doesn't contact you for a month plus at a time, and then gets with you only once you've initiated, then break it off with him!!! Having sex with him without talking about how you are feeling is just not helping you any, though he gets a free ride. Have you ever heard the expression... why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?

 

He puts very little into being with you, and yet here you are, in hope that he will eventually treat you like you would like to be treated, and love you, right? But he won't. All you're doing is becoming a doormat. :( Why???

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Posted
Heck yes, the sooner the better! Though I highly doubt it will help. As I said in a previous post, he will probably dump you because you're shoveling all these expectations on him now after you've taken all his BS and neglect for WEEKS, or just say "Okay sure" and go on ignoring you just like he had been, hoping you'll just get the hint and leave him alone.

 

Of course nothing is wrong for him! He's getting exactly what he wants out of you! In you, he has someone who has shown herself to be perfectly fine with the level of neglect he has been showing you and STILL give him sex whenever HE decides he wants to take some time out to see you! He is shamelessly, unabashedly USING you, and you are LETTING HIM. Can you really not see this??

I actually wouldn't be asking for that much. I don't think it's a big deal to ask to be able to talk to him at least once a week. It also isn't too much to expect that someone returns your call or text if you request it. As far as seeing him in person, I don't think I really need to ask for that. I think it would be informative to see how often he wants to see me in person after this without pressure from me.

 

I understand that he is placing his needs above mine. He sees me when it is convenient for him, and I am not a very high priority. I'm keeping track of it all in my head. If he thinks he's getting off scot-free, he's wrong. It might look like he is on the surface, but he will find that if he doesn't care enough about maintaining our "relationship" that isn't a "real relationship" and lets enough slide, he'll lose whatever it is we have. There are dangers out there that hide until the last moment. Think crocodiles. :) From that viewpoint, I would be doing him a favor by having the talk with him and giving him the opportunity to make things (disclaimer: this is how I talk) better.

  • Author
Posted
Agreed :(

 

Goosechaser, please... why are you disrespecting yourself like this??? People will treat you how you let them... don't let him treat you this way. If you don't like that he doesn't contact you for a month plus at a time, and then gets with you only once you've initiated, then break it off with him!!! Having sex with him without talking about how you are feeling is just not helping you any, though he gets a free ride. Have you ever heard the expression... why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?

 

He puts very little into being with you, and yet here you are, in hope that he will eventually treat you like you would like to be treated, and love you, right? But he won't. All you're doing is becoming a doormat. :( Why???

I'll try to do better about seeking out the treatment I want. You know how they say that guys don't like going backwards, though. So I'm supposed to get him to prove himself to me and exert effort on his own initiative? Sounds like a good plan, though maybe not easy.

Posted

GC, get this through your head, please. HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT LOSING YOU. He does not care about making your "relationship" better. He can take you or leave you. All you are doing through your actions is validating his poor treatment of you!

 

The fact that you even have to ask him to return your calls and texts, to talk to him once a week, and to see him is pitiful. A guy who really cared about you, who really wanted to talk to you, see you and spend time with you--you wouldn't ever have to ASK for these things! He would just do them because he wants to! This guy does not want to do any of these things for you because he does not care about you.

  • Author
Posted
Gah, reading your threads are starting to be real depressing, GC.

So I hear. Really, though, I will work on it and seek out better treatment, and he'll either be willing to offer it or not. Dating isn't always pretty, especially when things are unstable like this. It can be very hard. Hopefully the worst is behind me, but if nothing changes and he takes me for granted, I'll end it. (Yes, "it". Sue me, wording-criticizers. :p) I don't like disrespect any more than you guys do. I'm trying to be patient and give him a chance. If it isn't meant to be, that's okay.

  • Author
Posted
GC, get this through your head, please. HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT LOSING YOU. He does not care about making your "relationship" better. He can take you or leave you. All you are doing through your actions is validating his poor treatment of you!

 

The fact that you even have to ask him to return your calls and texts, to talk to him once a week, and to see him is pitiful. A guy who really cared about you, who really wanted to talk to you, see you and spend time with you--you wouldn't ever have to ASK for these things! He would just do them because he wants to! This guy does not want to do any of these things for you because he does not care about you.

That's true.

Posted

The real trouble here is the gigantic disconnect between what you talk about and what is actually going on between you and this guy.

 

I don't even perceive that he is treating you badly or neglecting you, as other people think he is. He might be, though. Having sex with you last night after ignoring you for weeks makes me rethink this a bit.

 

Do I have the events correct?

 

You met this guy online and during your first meet-up, the two of you decide that you are going to be "exclusive."

 

WHY?

 

(Right off, this part reminds me of when my daughter was in 5th or 6th grade. She'd come home from school and tell me, "Nicole is going out with Marshall." I'd laugh. "Going out? Where exactly are they going?" They weren't going out, of course, but they had made some kind of claim on one another at school which ultimately would just go away.)

 

You went on a few dates with him, which you enjoyed.

 

Then contact dwindled and stopped.

 

A relationship has not ever been formed between the two of you.

 

There is no bond.

 

He can be some guy you will casually date if he calls you and asks you when you have nothing better to do, or if you ask him. Nothing wrong with that, but it does not mean that there is anything at all between you.

 

There is NOTHING to lose, so he IS getting off (in more ways than one) "Scott free."

 

Put another way: when he doesn't "have you" anymore, he won't even realize it. It won't be any different, in reality, than it is now.

 

NSA sex is not "bad" in my opinion, but when someone does it under the pretense that there is something of more depth there, it is misguided.

 

From your posts, GooseChaser, I really don't think that NSA sex is your kind of thing anyway. You don't seem to accept the reality of what that is. You are kind of a conundrum to me, because you seem to be very childlike and maybe willfully naive, but somehow impervious to the pain of the situations you put yourself into.

 

Does it hurt you to be used or undervalued?

 

I don't want you to be hurt, but it might be good for the experience to be unpleasant enough for you to decide to ask more of guys before you give yourself up to them.

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