Star Gazer Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Just because hasn't said the exact words "I am no longer interested" doesn't mean that's not the case. His actions (or really, lack of actions) are SCREAMING that conclusion. This is really sad.
Author GooseChaser Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 (edited) Just because hasn't said the exact words "I am no longer interested" doesn't mean that's not the case. His actions (or really, lack of actions) are SCREAMING that conclusion. This is really sad. It doesn't mean that it is the case, either. It's sad that I don't jump ship at the first sign of uncertainty... okay. I understand that this isn't the best case scenario that there could be and he isn't making a lot of effort right now. Could some of the wishy-washiness on his end be due to the short length of time that we have known each other, or the lack of official commitment? Maybe he felt he was coming on too strong before and went to the other extreme? He could also be watching how I react to the situation and if I become needy or obsessive. Don't get me wrong, I am noting all of these things and taking it into consideration. I appreciate the alternate viewpoints. I might be optimistic, but I prefer it to being pessimistic. There really isn't much longer to wait. Just a few more days, and school is over for the semester for both of us. Edited December 15, 2010 by GooseChaser
Author GooseChaser Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Maybe it would be best to move on if he can't find time for me in five weeks or pick up the phone. That's a good point too.
Knittress Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Maybe it would be best to move on if he can't find time for me in five weeks or pick up the phone. That's a good point too. Ignoring the fact that he's not being very respectful towards you or sensitive towards your feelings - even if you manage to 'win him over' do you REALLY want to be in a relationship with such a subpar communicator? He doesn't sound worth the drama he's sure to drudge up.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Oh, GooseChaser, I am concerned about you. What you have described is NOT A RELATIONSHIP. This is not a question of "jumping ship." There IS no ship. Even if he does contact you and go out with you after school is finished - that would just be a date. Please stop willfully deluding yourself yet again. You sure seem like a nice and sweet young woman. There is no need for you to be in these "relationships" that consist of your rainbows and unicorns infused fantasies. You could have a real relationship - one that included the full participation of a guy. You deserve that.
Star Gazer Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Oh, GooseChaser, I am concerned about you. What you have described is NOT A RELATIONSHIP. This is not a question of "jumping ship." There IS no ship. Even if he does contact you and go out with you after school is finished - that would just be a date. Please stop willfully deluding yourself yet again. Exactly right. GC, have you ever had a REAL relationship?? And BTW...did you sleep with the guy who's the subject of this thread?
gentlewaters Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 I just checked my phone to see. Actually, it wasn't as long ago as I thought! We talked for 12 minutes on the evening of December 1st. I called him. Seriously, Date someone else. It's sweet how optimistic you are, but really, don't put all your eggs in one basket, as the saying goes. He isn't as into you as you are into him. That happens sometimes.
kiss_andmakeup Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Everything I'd like to say has already been said by other posters, and it seems OP is still not quite getting it. It's been 5 weeks since you've seen him, and 2 weeks since you've heard from him (other than cornering him into a facebook chat that consisted of nothing other than him talking about school). Even the last time you talked to him, YOU initiated it. You've initiated texts, e-mails, calls, voicemails, etc and he has NOT responded. 2 weeks without communication isn't business, bad social skills, shyness, insecurity about the "pace" of the relationship, or any of the other things you've come up with to rationalize his behaviour. It is, quite simply, him thinking he's "letting you down easy." Really. Let me present this from another angle. My boyfriend has a friend who is currently single and dating. For a while (maybe a month or a little more) he was seeing a girl he seemed really into. He even brought her to our apartment to hang out and watch a hockey game, which seemed like a big step to me (the whole "meeting the friends" deal). The last time he was over I asked, "Where is _______?" He said "Oh...I don't think it's working out." I said, "Oh, that's too bad." Come to find out later that he told my boyfriend after I went to bed that he didn't really necessarily dump the girl, he's just been ignoring her calls and texts for the past week. He even had the nerve to say to my boyfriend "I can't believe she still keeps trying to call me! Hasn't she gotten the idea yet?" Yes, it's a terrible, flakey, selfish, childish thing to do. But people, men AND women alike, DO IT ALL THE TIME. They are too cowardly to just dump the person so they think this is somehow a better alternative (when obviously it isn't). Please read your posts. Pretend it's not you, but a friend telling you about a guy she's dating. Do you not see how obvious it is that he's just not interested? Busy or not. Sending a text takes 20 seconds. If that. In today's technology-infused world there is NO excuse for not making some form of communication. It is just too easy. You've left him voicemails and text/email messages and he's blatantly ignored all of them. He hasn't initiated contact even ONCE. People who are busy with school/work/whatever still have to take time to fulfill basic human needs such as eating, showering and even going to the bathroom! Sending a text takes less time than ANY OF THOSE THINGS! Move on. Date other people. Even if he comes back around, do you really want to be with someone who shows so little care for your emotions? Edit: OH! And something I just thought of. He is SOOOOOO busy but has time to be on facebook? Give me a break.
phillyfan Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Thanks everyone! I agree with what you say. I've made enough attempts with no response, so all I can do is wait and see if he ever gets back to me. He might be distracted now, but after this finals week, we're free for the holidays, and I'm sure he will eventually think of me if he has any interest at all. I am keeping myself busy and not waiting by the phone! I have finals this week too, so things are really reaching their peak right now. I spent the majority of today writing a seven-page paper for Political Science and completing my Self Defense take-home final exam. I'm finished with them now and am done for the day. I must admit, I am pretty tired out from all of the work! It helps me understand a bit better how he might feel with not only his pre-med class work, but two jobs added on to that. I'm willing to be patient and understanding for him, so the wait won't be a problem for me as long as he actually does make contact with me within the next few weeks. Hoping for the best! In the meantime, school will definitely keep me occupied, at least for the next few days! If or when I see him again, I think I will talk to him about phone call and text etiquette between us, and maybe bring up our relationship status and find out where we are at in his view-- we've agreed on exclusivity, but are we just dating, moving toward a relationship, or what? Or would it be smarter to have that talk when we're seeing each other more regularly? If he doesn't get back to me after like two weeks, should I void the exclusivity and start dating other people? If I did that, would I have to let him know, or would I just tell him at the next chance I got? Don't get me wrong, I really like this guy, but that amount of time without seeing or hearing from him in a row would be too much, especially considering all of the free time of the winter break, and the opportunity he would have had to contact me during that time. Girl I am sorry but there is no relationship. U were neva officially a couple, he neva changed facebook status, he hasnt seen u, texted u or phoned u for weeks, he moved on a long time ago. U are imaginin he is ur boyfriend but he isnt, he neva was, sorry. U sound like a sweetie go find someone who makes time 4 u.
Author GooseChaser Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 (edited) What happened to Arnold? Haha, I had to look up my other thread to remember which person Arnold was! I hope I'm thinking of the right person! I stopped seeing Arnold after agreeing to exclusivity with the guy I am with now. I liked him, but he hadn't contacted me for a long time, and then I met the new guy, so it turned into a case of "you snooze, you lose." He did try to contact me later. We've talked, and he's still open to dating if I become available to it. Edited December 15, 2010 by GooseChaser
Author GooseChaser Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Exactly right. GC, have you ever had a REAL relationship?? And BTW...did you sleep with the guy who's the subject of this thread? No, I have not. Yes to question #2.
Star Gazer Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Haha, I had to look up my other thread to remember which person Arnold was! I hope I'm thinking of the right person! I stopped seeing Arnold after agreeing to exclusivity with the guy I am with now. I liked him, but he hadn't contacted me for a long time, and then I met the new guy, so it turned into a case of "you snooze, you lose." He did try to contact me later. We've talked, and he's still open to dating if I become available to it. The current guy is snoozing too. He's not just snoozing. He's in an irreversible coma that he doesn't even want to wake up from.
Star Gazer Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 No, I have not. Yes to question #2. I think that you were sleeping with him is an important fact to include in the OP.
BlueRidgeMTs Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Edit: OH! And something I just thought of. He is SOOOOOO busy but has time to be on facebook? Give me a break. Read above. I agree. He is so busy, but has time to be on Facebook? Plus, if im not mistaken, you have already slept with him? Oh, this is a done deal, honey. Just save some dignity and let it go. Do NOT contact this guy again.
Author GooseChaser Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 (edited) What's most frustrating is that I feel I have been treating him very well, as if we were in a relationship, and it feels that way too when we're together on a date, but in the end it's "just" dating. How long am I supposed to wait for a guy to get tired of labeling himself "single"? I have a few ideas of things I could do... My first option is to be straight-forward and ask to make the relationship official. However, that's assuming that I want a relationship with him after this. If I did this, there is a possibility that he would feel pressured and he would run or only agree because he felt that he had to, rather than because he wanted to. My second option is to nix the exclusivity and date other people. In this case, it is likely that he would feel hurt and possibly leave. On the other hand, it could push him to commit to a relationship so I wouldn't see the other guys anymore. He could even ask for the relationship upon learning that I was considering dating others, so it could be just the push he needs. It's hard to tell which way it would go. The third option is to say goodbye altogether. That could also result in two different possibilities: I lose him, or he wants a relationship. This isn't a good way to go if I don't want to risk losing him, because people often don't take ultimatums well, and it's manipulative if you really want to stay together. I don't really want to say goodbye yet, though, because the "busy" period is almost over, and there is a chance that things will improve. After waiting for all of this time, it's silly to not give it a chance now, especially if I want to see what happens. In a way I brought this on myself, because I could have inferred from his online profile information that he was a busy person and avoided it if I really wanted to. The issue is if his business is a problem and if I can handle being in a relationship with someone like that. That's really something I need to think about. My favorite option is option #2. It's a nice middle ground. Edited December 15, 2010 by GooseChaser I added the last two sentences on during the edit.
northern_sky Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Uh. You are being WAY too optimistic about this. You have been dating for 2 months, yet you haven't seen him in weeks and you see him less than once a week? Did you have like 2-3 dates? And not only he is not initiating contact but he is not responding to your prompting. I am sorry to say but his interest is so low, it's almost non-existent. Even when I am at my busiest - I still maintain daily calls/texts with people that are important to me. I am going to say that there is no hope. Sorry to be blunt but you really need a reality check. LOL. MTE. I feel like the OP has her head in the clouds. I mean she was dating this guy for a month and then hasn't heard from him in 4 weeks, even though she's called him a few times??
Author GooseChaser Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Read above. I agree. He is so busy, but has time to be on Facebook? Plus, if im not mistaken, you have already slept with him? Oh, this is a done deal, honey. Just save some dignity and let it go. Do NOT contact this guy again. Some people log into Facebook, IM services, and other programs, not because they are actively using them, but because they are doing homework and such on their computer. They just log in and let it sit there idle. He hasn't done much on Facebook since December 4th, not even a status update. I believe his last final might be today!
Author GooseChaser Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 LOL. MTE. I feel like the OP has her head in the clouds. I mean she was dating this guy for a month and then hasn't heard from him in 4 weeks, even though she's called him a few times?? I haven't seen him in five weeks, and haven't heard from him in two, except for a short Facebook chat yesterday about school.
northern_sky Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 I haven't seen him in five weeks, and haven't heard from him in two, except for a short Facebook chat yesterday about school. DUDE. That's all I can say.
Author GooseChaser Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 DUDE. That's all I can say. I don't like it either! Finals is almost over though, so hopefully he gives me a call or something. A few weeks ago-- I'm not sure exactly how many-- I talked to him on the phone, and he sounded like he felt bad about being so busy and not seeing me. I told him that it was okay, since it hadn't been that long and I can handle some space if a person needs it, but I had no idea that he would be unavailable for so long. He might think that I'm okay with it since it was okay back then, when it hadn't been as long. If I want there to be any chance of things continuing, I have to communicate and tell him how I feel. He needs to know my expectations of how often I need to see him, or at least hear from him.
SmileFace Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 I really can't understand why you are willing to accept this treatment. I wouldn't accept this treatment from a family member , let alone a perspective "boyfriend". You have more heart than me -- thats what I can say.
Star Gazer Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 GC, I have a first-date tonight with a guy I was set up with by a friend over a month ago. He's been in contact with me via FB or text almost EVERY SINGLE DAY since we were connected by our friend, and we haven't even met in person yet. We haven't been able to meet up yet because of our crazy busy schedules (we've both have been traveling out of state, he's also been in finals for his MBA and working full-time!). We are quite possibly the two busiest people that could ever be put together right now during this time of year, and yet we manage to maintain contact, taking turns initiating (well, really, just maintaining the same long string of contact). Why has he kept up contact, despite being INSANELY busy? Because unlike your guy, he's interested. And unlike you, we haven't even slept together!
Bridgey Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 I really wouldn't wait around for this guy if I were you. -If- he does end up contacting you on his own time you can consider giving it another chance. In the mean time go out and meet some new guys! Keep your options open, no need to commit all your time to a guy who isn't calling you back. And as everyone else has said, I doubt he is still interested. You've slept with him and its been several weeks since he's made any contact. Doesn't look good IMO.
Author GooseChaser Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 Maybe it's because he's the closest I've gotten to a real relationship. Every guy before that never got there with me for one reason or another. One was a long-time friend who liked me but never let me know because he wasn't sure if I felt the same. (I did.) The next guy wanted a relationship-- on the first date-- but I didn't feel attracted to him. (I went on the date to give it a chance since he is a sweet guy.) FWB-guy didn't want anything serious and made that clear. One guy got into a relationship with someone else instead after two dates (after having planned lots of things to do in the future ). One guy disappeared after the first date. He sent an email saying that he was "busy," but it didn't mean he wasn't interested; I never heard from him again. (Lol.) Another guy disappeared after two dates-- nothing new. He was eight years older than me. I met him about four days before the one I'm with now. He finally contacted me yesterday on Facebook through a chat, just to say hi. Another was Arnold; I talked about him earlier. There are one or two other guys that I never met, but they are around if I want to get to know them. The current guy is a good person. He gave me flowers on our first date, and thinking back on it, he was very thoughtful in planning it. First we went for dinner, where he first moved to hold my hand. We've held hands many times since then, and it's a nice feeling. Then we went to the pier. We walked around for a short time, and that's where we had our first kiss. Romantic location! Then we went to a hilltop that has a pretty view of the city lights, another romantic place. In later dates he showed just as much interest. We went on a variety of dates, and it was fun. I enjoyed myself, and I hope he did too. In terms of interest, overall he has trumped everyone I have met yet. Yes, everyone. There could be potential with the guys I haven't met yet, and a few that I have, but so far the most recent guy has been the best. I don't know when I'll meet someone who is just as good. Only now are problems appearing. He seems to be taking me for granted, if things aren't over already. We definitely need to talk.
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