Four weeks apart-- is there hope?

[GooseChaser]

I am currently dating exclusively with a guy who is 24. We have been together for two months now. I would like to say that we are in a relationship, but he lists himself as "single" on Facebook and we don't refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend, so I suppose we're still just dating. We had an exclusivity talk, so that's something. Should I talk to him about this and clear up our official relationship status?

 

Two weeks ago we went on a great roller-skating date and went for dinner afterward since he was hungry. I had a great time, and he said that he did too. All of the signs have been positive when we're together. I haven't seen him since then. He told me that he is having a very busy time right now and that his school and work is taking up all of his time. He will stay busy until finals end in two weeks.

 

I'll describe his level of busyness. He is a pre-med student, and is studying time-consuming subjects such as biology and calculus. He also works two jobs: one at his university's health center, and the other involves sales. He needs these jobs because he lives at home and pays rent to stay. Clearly, these things would take a lot of time. They also often leave him tired and stressed.

 

At first it was very difficult to cope with the time apart. Keep in mind that we have known each other for two months, and one of those months is being spent apart. It seems like an excessive amount of space at this point in our relationship. I've found ways to pass the time, though. I have finals to prepare for too. Occasionally I will send him a text or give him a call to break up the silence. At times he doesn't answer texts, so I will call, and he usually does answer and sounds happy to hear from me, while apologizing for not responding. I checked out a book by his favorite author-- The Three Musketeers. It reminds me of him, and maybe it can become a talking point later on. With all of this, I should be good for the next two weeks. It's just hard to wait and stay patient! I really miss him!

 

I know a lot of this sounds depressing, so I'll write some good things to balance it out. When we do see each other, he gives me his full attention. Well, excluding movies and stuff, of course. He compliments me all the time, saying that I'm amazing. He has basically said good things about almost every physical part of me. LOL. (He is pretty good-looking himself!) He loves cuddling up close and being physical. He enjoys holding hands. I also really like his personality. He is very smart, as well as ambitious, motivated, hard-working, caring, and romantic.

 

I know it's usually a bad sign when people pull the "busy" card, but do his time commitments give him a good excuse? Could it go either way, between good and bad? Should I just wait and see, while hoping for the best? In the case that he is still interested after all of this time, could my tolerance for the distance become a good thing, showing that I am not needy?

 

On that note, I am going away to college next fall to a university on the other side of the country, so assuming that we make it, perhaps this is a good sign that we would be able to handle a long-distance relationship? He doesn't seem to have a problem with it yet, and maybe he would even like having the chance to really focus on his studies. I will need to study hard, too. I'm pre-vet.

 

Heh, we'll see what happens.

[BorderRogue]

There is always hope if the communication is there.

[GooseChaser]

There is always hope if the communication is there.

Thanks, that's good advice! So basically, you just have to figure out whether the person is really busy, or is just saying they're busy so they don't have to see you?

 

In my situation, I trust that he is in fact very busy. I know that he takes his school very seriously, so now he's probably studying furiously for finals. He must really want to get into medical school. I'm sure he's aiming for the highest scores he can get to work toward that. I also know that his two jobs also take up a lot of his leftover time. It tires him out sometimes, and I'm sure it's hard work to juggle all of this. Because of that, I look forward to when I get hired (hopefully next month) so I can help him pay for things on dates. I don't want to be a burden if he is short on money with his other expenses. I also enjoy free and low-cost dates, so that's another good thing.

 

Update! I haven't heard from him for a while; it's been... I'm not sure, maybe a few weeks, or a little less than that. I'm staying strong, keeping busy, and doing my best to be patient. I left him a voice message saying hi last week, and then a text wishing him luck with his finals. I never heard back from him. A few days ago I left another voice message saying hi, and I requested that he call me back, because things have been eventful and there were things I'd like to talk about. I had had a fight with my parents that day, and I would have liked to hear back from him and tell him about my feelings and ideas. Other things have been going well too that would be good conversation. Unfortunately, he never returned my call.

 

It's frustrating not hearing from him because I miss him. I know he's too busy to see me in person, but a phone call or text would be nice. It would help me to not worry. It bothers me that he can't find a single spare moment to touch bases with me; that hurts. Still, I have to trust him and have hope that things will be okay between us and everything will be back to normal soon. Whatever happens, though, everything will work out for the best. Hopefully I will see him this weekend or soon after, and we'll get things worked out and see where things go.

Edited December 13, 2010 by GooseChaser
Grammar corrections! :D

[alex1960]

You haven't heard from him in weeks? Sounds a bit odd to me.

 

Even the busiest of guys will want to get laid a few times a week. So he doesn't have just a few minutes to give you a call? Not very serious to me.

[youngskywalker]

I'm going to side with the guy on this one. I think he's interested in you but truly busy. I say interested but maybe not HEAD OVER HEALS... but so what. Nothing wrong with taking it slow. You just have to relax and go with the flow or break up with him and find someone what can give you more time. There is nothing you can do to MAKE him spend more time with you. He works two jobs, pre-med, and finals. What do you expect?

 

Personally, I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone if they can't see me at least once a week. That's my rule.

[Bogo123]

It not looking good in my opinion. It takes 2 seconds to text back. Im sure he takes study breaks here and there. I would stop contacting him. The ball is in his court.

[folieadeux]

I think you both are very busy right now, but that doesn't necessarily excuse his behavior either. I would definitely stop initiating contact; the ball’s in his court. I don’t really see the reason, regardless of how busy someone is, why you wouldn’t have time to send a quick text or call someone back. Everyone takes breaks throughout their day to take care of basic needs; there’s time in the day to get everything done if you want to. I’ll play devil’s advocate here too and suggest that perhaps he isn’t making the effort because you aren’t officially together yet. But if things are to go any further, it would make sense that you hear from each other more. I’m in an LDR and couldn’t imagine not hearing from my SO for weeks on end. Even when we were in that whole in-between phase you’re in right now, we still spoke multiple times per day, every day, regardless of our hectic work schedules. Something just isn’t adding up for me.

[Star Gazer]

It's one thing to not be able to see him for a couple weeks due to temporary scheduling conflicts, and quite another not to even hear from him at all for a couple weeks.

 

The fact that he's making no effort to maintain contact with you is quite telling, IMO.

[tigressA]

It's one thing to not be able to see him for a couple weeks due to temporary scheduling conflicts, and quite another not to even hear from him at all for a couple weeks.

 

The fact that he's making no effort to maintain contact with you is quite telling, IMO.

 

Exactly, and ESPECIALLY after you've made several efforts to contact him, and he hasn't even been bothered to respond to them. If this happened to me, I would write him off.

 

At the very least, quit contacting him. Keep busy. Date other people. You're not even enough of a priority for him to respond to your texts or voicemails, much less contacting you without any prompting other than his interest in you. Do you really want to waste your time on someone like that?

Edited December 14, 2010 by tigressA

[BobSacamento]

Stop calling him. Calling him more will not help you at all. Even the President has the time for a 10 minute phone call. Why would you want to associate yourself with someone who lacks the decency to send you a text.

[GooseChaser]

Thanks everyone! I agree with what you say. I've made enough attempts with no response, so all I can do is wait and see if he ever gets back to me. He might be distracted now, but after this finals week, we're free for the holidays, and I'm sure he will eventually think of me if he has any interest at all.

 

I am keeping myself busy and not waiting by the phone! I have finals this week too, so things are really reaching their peak right now. I spent the majority of today writing a seven-page paper for Political Science and completing my Self Defense take-home final exam. I'm finished with them now and am done for the day. I must admit, I am pretty tired out from all of the work! It helps me understand a bit better how he might feel with not only his pre-med class work, but two jobs added on to that. I'm willing to be patient and understanding for him, so the wait won't be a problem for me as long as he actually does make contact with me within the next few weeks. Hoping for the best! In the meantime, school will definitely keep me occupied, at least for the next few days!

 

If or when I see him again, I think I will talk to him about phone call and text etiquette between us, and maybe bring up our relationship status and find out where we are at in his view-- we've agreed on exclusivity, but are we just dating, moving toward a relationship, or what? Or would it be smarter to have that talk when we're seeing each other more regularly?

 

If he doesn't get back to me after like two weeks, should I void the exclusivity and start dating other people? If I did that, would I have to let him know, or would I just tell him at the next chance I got? Don't get me wrong, I really like this guy, but that amount of time without seeing or hearing from him in a row would be too much, especially considering all of the free time of the winter break, and the opportunity he would have had to contact me during that time.

Edited December 14, 2010 by GooseChaser

[OceanGirl]

Uh. You are being WAY too optimistic about this.

 

You have been dating for 2 months, yet you haven't seen him in weeks and you see him less than once a week? Did you have like 2-3 dates?

 

And not only he is not initiating contact but he is not responding to your prompting. I am sorry to say but his interest is so low, it's almost non-existent.

 

Even when I am at my busiest - I still maintain daily calls/texts with people that are important to me.

 

I am going to say that there is no hope. Sorry to be blunt but you really need a reality check.

[GooseChaser]

Uh. You are being WAY too optimistic about this. You have been dating for 2 months, yet you haven't seen him in weeks and you see him less than once a week? Did you have like 2-3 dates? And not only he is not initiating contact but he is not responding to your prompting. I am sorry to say but his interest is so low, it's almost non-existent. Even when I am at my busiest - I still maintain daily calls/texts with people that are important to me. I am going to say that there is no hope. Sorry to be blunt but you really need a reality check.

Sorry if I incorrectly described the frequency of our dates, but I'll fix that now. I just counted up the number of dates we have had from my records from my planner and phone. In total, we have been on nine dates. Not exactly 2-3. The first week we met, we went on three dates, with one day between each one. Week 2 had two dates. Week 3 had three dates: a Halloween outing on Sunday, his birthday the next day (just me and him), and another later that week. The last date was a week later, week 4. We had fun.

 

The last time I heard from him through text was Thanksgiving (week 6). I sent a "Happy Thanksgiving," and he said it back. I'm not sure what day I last talked to him on the phone, but it was a few weeks ago. He has contacted me without prompting before. He and I shared the responsibility of asking each other out. Usually he does respond to messages I leave, just not recently, when things are getting most busy. He may have just forgotten. I know, lame.

 

It's not that much longer that I have to wait. I'm through the hardest part. Now I'm busy too, and so the week will breeze by for me. After finals, the busy excuse evaporates. Hopefully then he contacts me. I won't wait around for him forever though.

 

He's never been much of a phone-call person. It could just be who he is.

Edited December 14, 2010 by GooseChaser

[SmileFace]

Wait , when was the last time you actually talked to him?

[GooseChaser]

Wait , when was the last time you actually talked to him?

I just checked my phone to see. Actually, it wasn't as long ago as I thought! We talked for 12 minutes on the evening of December 1st. I called him.

[SmileFace]

That was two weeks ago. Why are you still waiting around? I don't understand how someone can not make contact with you for two weeks and you still be ok with it.He seriously can't be that busy.

[Star Gazer]

I just checked my phone to see. Actually, it wasn't as long ago as I thought! We talked for 12 minutes on the evening of December 1st. I called him.

 

I don't know any woman who'd think that was enough to demonstrate interest. That was 13 days ago, and he's refused to respond to you since then.

 

Your optimism is honestly sweet, but it's very naive. This isn't the first guy you've been like this with.

[Star Gazer]

Sorry if I incorrectly described the frequency of our dates, but I'll fix that now. I just counted up the number of dates we have had from my records from my planner and phone. In total, we have been on nine dates. Not exactly 2-3. The first week we met, we went on three dates, with one day between each one. Week 2 had two dates. Week 3 had three dates: a Halloween outing on Sunday, his birthday the next day (just me and him), and another later that week. The last date was a week later, week 4. We had fun.

 

The last time I heard from him through text was Thanksgiving (week 6). I sent a "Happy Thanksgiving," and he said it back. I'm not sure what day I last talked to him on the phone, but it was a few weeks ago.

 

He may have just forgotten.

 

So by my count, the last time you saw him was the first week of November. Over a month ago. And for the past two weeks he hasn't responded to you.

 

It's pretty clear that he's moved on. A guy who's interested in you does NOT "forget" to contact you.

[OceanGirl]

I don't know any woman who'd think that was enough to demonstrate interest. That was 13 days ago, and he's refused to respond to you since then.

 

Your optimism is honestly sweet, but it's very naive. This isn't the first guy you've been like this with.

 

I remember the FWB guy, she was just as optimistic.

 

So you talked 13 days ago and you initiated contact. From your other post, you saw each other fairly frequently in the first 3 weeks and then he not only stopped seeing you but he stopped initiating AND even responding to your attempts at contact. Sounds like things fizzled out. You should count this as over and start dating others.

[tigressA]

I remember the FWB guy, she was just as optimistic.

 

So you talked 13 days ago and you initiated contact. From your other post, you saw each other fairly frequently in the first 3 weeks and then he not only stopped seeing you but he stopped initiating AND even responding to your attempts at contact. Sounds like things fizzled out. You should count this as over and start dating others.

 

Agreed. Don't continue wasting your time on someone who isn't interested!

[GooseChaser]

I just caught him on Facebook and sent a message (I couldn't resist), and he's talking! :bunny: He says his Calculus final today went great, and he thinks he got an A. Tomorrow he has his other final. Yay!

[GooseChaser]

I remember the FWB guy, she was just as optimistic.

 

So you talked 13 days ago and you initiated contact. From your other post, you saw each other fairly frequently in the first 3 weeks and then he not only stopped seeing you but he stopped initiating AND even responding to your attempts at contact. Sounds like things fizzled out. You should count this as over and start dating others.

Yeah, I know. I'd say I was more stubborn than "optimistic" with the FWB guy, though. Though I hoped he would come around, I knew he probably wouldn't, especially since he made it clear that he didn't have those feelings. I'm okay with that. Aaactually, though... last time I saw him he got a bit emotional, saying that he likes me and he misses me. He wanted me to kiss/ make-out/ go to his car with him-- tried twice-- but of course I turned him down. Kicked to the curb! (I'm not letting him around any guys I like for a looong time after that... eww He knows I'm taken!)

Edited December 14, 2010 by GooseChaser

[GooseChaser]

That was two weeks ago. Why are you still waiting around? I don't understand how someone can not make contact with you for two weeks and you still be ok with it.He seriously can't be that busy.

After not seeing someone for five weeks, not hearing from them for two weeks doesn't seem that long in comparison. Haha, but seriously, I do agree that it's not okay, and I will talk to him about it for sure if things work out.

[BlueRidgeMTs]

After not seeing someone for five weeks, not hearing from them for two weeks doesn't seem that long in comparison. Haha, but seriously, I do agree that it's not okay, and I will talk to him about it for sure if things work out.

 

What "things"? You think you have a "thing" just because you cornered him on facebook, sent him a message, and he responded that he did well on his test?? I dont think you are getting it. Anyone, male or female, who is TRULY..TRULY..interested in getting to know someone, or possibly furthering a relationship with them, will make an effort to maintain contact with them all on their own, without you hunting them down.

 

i bet if you had not sent him that message on Facebook, you STILL would not have heard from him. You are over eager, and even if he did respond to you here and there, it will probably be when he is just bored.

 

HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! Havent you read the book??

[GooseChaser]

What "things"? You think you have a "thing" just because you cornered him on facebook, sent him a message, and he responded that he did well on his test?? I dont think you are getting it. Anyone, male or female, who is TRULY..TRULY..interested in getting to know someone, or possibly furthering a relationship with them, will make an effort to maintain contact with them all on their own, without you hunting them down. i bet if you had not sent him that message on Facebook, you STILL would not have heard from him. You are over eager, and even if he did respond to you here and there, it will probably be when he is just bored. HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! Havent you read the book??

No, I have not read the book, but I want to. I hear it's a good one.

 

I have not heard anything explicitly negative from him, so I believe that I will see him again. He might not have perfect social skills (some book-ish people don't), but if I talk to him about it and let him know it's a problem, I'm sure he would listen and work on it. The lines of communication between us are still open, and that is a good sign.

 

Also, you're probably right that he wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't. What's most important to me right now is that I hear from him occasionally, even if I'm the one initiating it sometimes.

 

One good thing I've seen is that he isn't checking his online dating profile, and hasn't been since he met me.

Edited December 15, 2010 by GooseChaser