seaworld Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 This is my first post. My fiancé dumped me about exactly 6 wks ago. I have been going through hell, overanalyzed everything in my head, tried to see where it went wrong, and just been sitting at home lately, just looking at old pictures, trying to remember all our old happy memories. I want to put my story up here, just to get other people’s opinion on our relationship. We met in college during pre med years, me being 4 yrs older. We first met in summer school one day around 6/05, and didn’t particularly like each other, I thought she was a little annoying, she thought I was a bum, but over time, we became friends, good friends. She is an extremely private person, that only lets very very few people know anything about her. At the time we met, she had a boyfriend, and I also had a girlfriend, although both of ours were rocky. Fast forward to 10/19/06, I’ve been broken up with my girlfriend for like 10 months, and she is still with her boyfriend, but during one of our talks, I mentioned I liked her, and she decided the next couple days to dump her boyfriend to be with me. It wasn’t like one of those typical scenarios, but rather that her bf was in the army, left her once to be with someone else, and constantly cheated on her. We got off to a great start, she loved me soo much, we were so in love that it was ridiculous. She would send me emails everyday, which I still have, and I have never felt this way for anybody in my life. She moved in with me like 10 months later, and we lived together for about a yr. For our first 1.5 yrs, we saw each other and talked to each other everyday, we were with each other all the time. Not once did we get tired of each other, and our love grew so strong that nothing could break us… well except for one thing, my crazy ex. About 10 months into our relationship, my ex tried everything to break us up. She would tell our mutual friend all the bad things about me, and it always somehow went back to her. Being such a private person, this bothered her A LOT. It escalated to a point, where I screwed up and told my ex a little too much information about my current girlfriend, and she found out and was devastated, that I broke her trust. This was the only time in our 4 yr relationship she broke up with me, but it only lasted a few hrs, as I drove to her house and pretty much convinced her to stay with me after a big effort, with the resolution that I completely cut out my ex. The next week, we moved in together. All is well, but my crazy ex is always still in the background, talking **** about us through mutual friends, and it sporadically comes back to us. This is a big problem in our relationship, but we still stayed together strong. We started med school the same time, different locations, about 2 yrs after we dated, and we were as strong as ever. We loved each other so much, lived and breathed each other. We had problems, but non of them were significant. We are about to start a long distance relationship, which was no problem. There was a growing problem in our relationship that started building around this time. When we first dated, we would have sex so much, every day multiple times. Life was great. As time wore on, she started being worried about getting pregnant, and we slowly stopped doing it.. slowly and slowly, to a point that I had to push her to do it. Near the end, I would be lucky to get it 7x a year, even though we saw each other in our breaks only. It bothered me so much that I turned a cold shoulder on her so many times, and I know it made her feel like a bad girlfriend and everything, but it was really an important part of our relationship that she just didn’t seem to understand, but at the same time I know where she was coming from. She would tell me I can get it as much as I want when we get married, but not now. Easier said than done for me. Anyways, I feel our love peaked the most before entering med school, we would see each other everyday on skype webcam, studied together, and just kept each other on the computer while we studied. But distance, and time slowly started getting to us, but we were still strong. On 1/6/10, I proposed to her, and she said yes. We were still very happy and in love, but not as much as we used to. I was sure I wanted to marry her, and she was too. So we finish 2nd yr med school in summer 2010, and spent the summer, still everything good. Started 3rd year rotations, and this is where it started going for the worse. She started meeting new people, being more sociable (she’s a very sociable person and can seemingly talk about nothing), whereas I just kept to myself and didn’t’ really care to make friends. In my view, as long as I had her, nothing really matters, I don’t need any friends. One day, (3 wks before she broke up with me), my fiancé has lunch with my friend’s fiancé from highschool. They talked about marriage, and about their exes and past relationship. My friend’s fiancé told my fiancé that her previous relationship didn’t work out because she didn’t see a future, and that they were too different. I am sure they talked about a bunch more stuff, but from that point on…. She slowly started cutting me out, to a point a week before our breakup, we didn’t even talk. Keep in mind, for the whole relationship till this, we either talked to each other everyday, or saw each other everyday. It bothered me to a point that I called her, and pushed her to tell me whats wrong, and that’s when she said she wants to break up. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was in denial, went crazy, pleaded for her to give me a second chance, did everything that I wasn’t suppose to, but I was shocked to see how firm she was in the decision. She used words like “I will never get back with you, never marry you”, and gave me the same exact reasons for the breakup as my friend’s fiancé gave her ex boyfriend. It was exactly like that movie inception, that once an idea is placed in a head, it can go viral. Througout our relationship, she has been a great girlfriend to me, she would never cheat, never even looked at a guy as more than a friend while we dated, but the problems we have in our background just bothered her more than I thought, the sex thing and my ex, that she said I had too much baggage, and that she just didn’t’ see a future. She said she still loves me, but not “in love” with me. The day she broke up with me, her roommate came in and talked to her for like 20 minutes, and she broke down and cried. But since then, she has showed no emotions. Nobody can see that anything is wrong with her. Me on the other hand, I just sit at home reminiscing on what went wrong, thinking about all our good times, constantly harassing her with emails and text for the first week promising of change if she took me back. It drove her even farther away from me. It hit to such a low point in my life, that I thought it, wouldn’t it be better if my life ended? I didn’t have any active suicide plans, it was more a passive one, like wouldn’t it be great if I just didn’t’ wake up, or got hit by a bus. She used to love me soo much, and as late as 9/30, she would message me that how much she still loved me (she broke up with me on 10/19). I look on my old skype messages, and mid May, she told me I was the one for her, that there was nobody else. When we were together, we were so happy together, I just don’t know where it went wrong. She is a very sentimental and very emotional person when we dated, everything I gave her, everything we did, holds a special place in her heart that she remembers everytime we do something that reminds her of it, its as if somebody just flipped a switch and turned it all of on her. I want to think that she misses me even just a little, but she has shown me no emotions, cut me out of her life, and only responds to my emails or texts with simple phrases. About 11/8/10, my friend talked to her, and she just reiterated that she didn’t see a future, and didn’t want to stay in a relationship knowing it will end in the future, and that it was better to end it now. In the middle of the talk, she teared up a little bit, so I know she still has a little bit of feelings for me. This past weekend, another friend talked to her, and she again said that she just didn’t’ see a future, and there was no chance that we would ever be? The past few wks, I just have been analyzing everything that she does. When girls say “no chance”, does it really mean no chance? Can time change things? I bought her a pregnancy pillow on her birthday this year which she loved, and she still sleeps on it everyday, does that mean anything? Everything else in her room that reminds her of me is gone, but she still sleeps on it. When we dated, she would remember the things I give her and she would say it would bring a smile. On facebook, she has taken out/untagged all the pictures that has me and her on it to a point that there was no hint of me in her facebook, although we are still friends on facebook. But, the albums that have predominantly me and her in it, she didn’t delete it, she just merely hid it on facebook. What does that mean? Do I still have a chance? When we broke up, she reiterated that there was nobody, nobody she’s talking to, nobody she’s interested in, but there is this one guy that she constantly talk on the phone with, hrs at a time, at least once a wk for the past 3 months leading up to the breakup. I don’t really think anything of it, as she talks on the phone a lot to other people too, but this seemed a little suspicious, as it was the same person for so long. I just didn’t think she would be capable of it, but I just keep running through that in my mind. It makes matters worse, that there is this guy that has constantly liked her ever since med school, but I didn’t care cause we were strong, and she told me everything. I keep looking at him on facebook, thinking its only a matter of time. It’s been 6 wks, and I just go crazy with my thoughts, that somebody could be trying to get with her. What drives me crazy is the thought that somebody will have sex with her again. I just can’t get that picture out of my mind. I flew back for thanksgiving to see her, but she wouldn’t even see me. Everything I do, is pushing her away. I’am out of options. I want to try the no contact rule, but she’s unique. It won’t work on her. She has always hated girls that break up and get back constantly with their exes, and that is something that I have against me as well. She made that decision, and doesn’t want to go back on it. I made her a scrapbook of us, to try to remind her of all our happy memories together, she looked at it for 2 minutes (her roommate gave it to her), and said she doesn’t want to throw it away, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so she just keeps it in the closet. Will she one day miss me? And look at it? One can go crazy with all these thoughts. I am sure there are more…. I want to thank whoever actually reads this long email in advance. What should I do? Any chance I can get back with her? As of now, I haven’t tried to contact her in 4 days, and its gotten to a point that it does more harm to, that I have no choice. Has anybody else had any similar situations that they want to share.
Don_da_Ho Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Wow, IDK anyone that's going to read and digest all that! Sounds like she made up her mind. When a woman does that, it's over. You are right, if you contact her it will only push her away and make it worse. Sorry to say you have to go NC and move forward. Someday, maybe, she might contact you. Sorry again, but even if she does, I doubt you will reunite.
asedky Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 i almost cried from laughing at this comment, i also tend to write these mamoth-sized messages vent up man, its healthy.
asedky Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Hey Man, i read your post, although my story is diff., i can relate to ur feelings, just start NC, and it will get a little bit easier day by day, start dating again if you have a chance and feel ready. Its hard as hell, and i know what ur going through, but keeping on hoping is not going to do u any good, only will aggreviate the pain of rejection. You deserve someone who is wanTING YOU! feel free to communicate your feeling, by the way i broke up same time as you, only 2 days difference! vent any kind of thoughts to me we can help each other on this, Stay sane!
DustySaltus Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Seaworld, I was engaged once myself so I know what you are going through right now. I moved half way across the world to be with my ex fiance and things fell apart. It was different from your situation in that she became very vindictive and tried to really screw up my life and that made it hurt even more. It took a long time to build myself back up but the most important thing is that you learn from this. A few thoughts: She broke up with her ex and immediately started dating you. This is a huge red flag for me. We all need time to process our emotions. I'm sure at the time you were too happy to notice this because YOU were the guy she was now with. But if she did that to someone else, she can do it to anyone. Because the fact is that she is focused on her own happiness and not anyone else's. I'm wondering what you told her about your old ex that made her say that you violated her trust? You can't change what happened in the past. Although, sometimes I will agree that things are better left unsaid. You clearly say that you got engaged when the love had "faded" a little bit. Did you do this because you were hoping that things would turn around and you needed to "prove" your love to her? You have to delete her from facebook. So what if she gets upset. It's not about her, it's about your own psyche and healing. The person that you fell in love with and the person that she is are two different people. When she starting withdrawing from you sexually, it's a sign that needs to be talked about immediately. Her excuse just doesn't sit well with me. I feel like something else might have been going on. There may be some point down the line where she reaches out to you, but it's more likely because she doesn't want you to resent her. Resist the urge to speak to her. This is someone you were willing to spend the rest of your life with. That's a decision I know more than anything, not to take lightly. It's time to protect yourself and to make sure that you don't waste anymore time on someone that you are not supposed to be with. I was EXACTLY where you were 18 months ago, but i'm still here and have a lot to be thankful for. I know you can't see it at this moment, but you will. Please read the links in my signature. BTW, in the future you might want to split the paragraphs a little more to get more repsonses.
Author seaworld Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 Seaworld, I was engaged once myself so I know what you are going through right now. I moved half way across the world to be with my ex fiance and things fell apart. It was different from your situation in that she became very vindictive and tried to really screw up my life and that made it hurt even more. It took a long time to build myself back up but the most important thing is that you learn from this. A few thoughts: She broke up with her ex and immediately started dating you. This is a huge red flag for me. We all need time to process our emotions. I'm sure at the time you were too happy to notice this because YOU were the guy she was now with. But if she did that to someone else, she can do it to anyone. Because the fact is that she is focused on her own happiness and not anyone else's. I'm wondering what you told her about your old ex that made her say that you violated her trust? You can't change what happened in the past. Although, sometimes I will agree that things are better left unsaid. You clearly say that you got engaged when the love had "faded" a little bit. Did you do this because you were hoping that things would turn around and you needed to "prove" your love to her? You have to delete her from facebook. So what if she gets upset. It's not about her, it's about your own psyche and healing. The person that you fell in love with and the person that she is are two different people. When she starting withdrawing from you sexually, it's a sign that needs to be talked about immediately. Her excuse just doesn't sit well with me. I feel like something else might have been going on. There may be some point down the line where she reaches out to you, but it's more likely because she doesn't want you to resent her. Resist the urge to speak to her. This is someone you were willing to spend the rest of your life with. That's a decision I know more than anything, not to take lightly. It's time to protect yourself and to make sure that you don't waste anymore time on someone that you are not supposed to be with. I was EXACTLY where you were 18 months ago, but i'm still here and have a lot to be thankful for. I know you can't see it at this moment, but you will. Please read the links in my signature. BTW, in the future you might want to split the paragraphs a little more to get more repsonses. The thing with her ex was way different. He didnt really treat her well, cheated on her multiple times, and she was just young. I agree she did move on fast, but I suppose the cheating helped her move on. I do remember that she did have some residual feeling in the beginning when we dated, that she would tear up out of nowhere at the thought of him, but it passed pretty quickly since we started off very happy. Yes, our love did fade as time went on, but I thought it was normal. Nobody can keep up with the love that is felt at the beginning of the relationship, that baby love. But we had that baby love for over 2 yrs, something that lasted way longer than anybody I know. There was no doubt I wanted to marry her, but part of the reason to propose was because I was scared of something like this that could happen. The thing with my ex was that she used everything she could to break us up. She told a mutual friend everything bad that she could think of, and of course that stupid friend told her everything, didn't have a filter. I continued talking to her, because I was comfortable with her, I told her how much my gf was making at her job, the personal things that were happening at her job, and the history of her past relationship. Something that doesn't seem that big of a deal, but she is super private, and I misused her trust. That was something that hurt her deeply, but we got over it. She withdrew from me sexually about 1.5 yrs into the relationship. Before this, she was very sexually active and very happy to have sex with me. I think part of it was to make me happy. Not only did she withdraw sexually from me, she stopped giving me a bj 1.5 yrs into the relationship, and that caused a problem that I have spoken with her multiple of times with no luck. It was a combination of her being scared of pregnancy, and the fact that I pushed her, and that she does not have a high sex drive. I have tried to sit down and talked to her many times, each time she would just listen, and we would get mad at each other, and then the next day act as if nothing happened and just keep going on.
Author seaworld Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 also, deleting her from facebook isn't going to help. She is not going to be upset, she won't say anything. Remember, we aren't even talking, she won't even give me the courtesy of a real talk after the break up. She is not the type to play games at all, and if I try to play games with her, it will backfire and push her even farther. She really was something special. I know I pushed her sexually really hard, and at times made her feel bad, but at the same time it got pretty bad. My friend convinced her for her to call me after her exams, around dec 17, and I don't even know what to say anymore to her. Everything I want to say, has been said in my emails, but I just hope talking to her will be a little different.
GreenPolicy Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I deleted my ex from facebook. It's not a punitive or vindictive thing, it's a necessary, healing thing. It's been two months since she broke up with me. For all I know she may be involved with somebody else now. Whether she is or not, there is nothing good that can come from looking at her page. Even if she's still single and not with anybody, it would hurt to see her living her life without me. I know she's not in my life anymore. I don't want a visceral reminder of it.
GreenPolicy Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 [*]There may be some point down the line where she reaches out to you, but it's more likely because she doesn't want you to resent her. Resist the urge to speak to her. This is someone you were willing to spend the rest of your life with. That's a decision I know more than anything, not to take lightly. It's time to protect yourself and to make sure that you don't waste anymore time on someone that you are not supposed to be with. I was EXACTLY where you were 18 months ago, but i'm still here and have a lot to be thankful for. I know you can't see it at this moment, but you will. Please read the links in my signature. I have been wondering about this if it does come to pass. My story with my ex-fiancee is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253770/ I have been told by many people that there is a good chance many months or even years from now she will contact me. I have wondered the best way to handle it. I've been told that sometimes when dumpers contact the dumpee, they want to assuage their guilt over how they handled things, not get back together. And by that time, I may be involved with somebody else or completely indifferent to her. From what I've read in online breakup literature, if you have no desire to reconcile, you can choose not to respond or you may be able to handle a friendship at that point. But if you still have feelings for them, ascertain right up front why they are contacting you. Don't give them any details about your life or what you are up to. I would think I would say something along the lines of "Hey ____, it's good to hear from you. This isn't mean to be rude or accusatory, but I'd like to know why you are contacting me." And if she says something about making a mistake and getting back together, you can go from there. But if she says something like she wants to catch up and see how I'm doing, then say something along the lines of "I have respected your decision to end the relationship. If the only reason you're contacting me is to catch up, then I want to remind you that I meant what I said about how a friendship would not be possible if you didn't want to work with me to save our relationship." Would that work?
DustySaltus Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I deleted my ex from facebook. It's not a punitive or vindictive thing, it's a necessary, healing thing. It's been two months since she broke up with me. For all I know she may be involved with somebody else now. Whether she is or not, there is nothing good that can come from looking at her page. Even if she's still single and not with anybody, it would hurt to see her living her life without me. I know she's not in my life anymore. I don't want a visceral reminder of it. Seaworld, repeat this bolded text to yourself over and over. Sounds like her friend had a big mouth and she should cease to be your friend. Your ex has a few issues to deal with. It doesn't seem like she's happy with herself and is a serial monogamist. You have to be happy with yourself before you're happy with anyone else.
DustySaltus Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I have been wondering about this if it does come to pass. My story with my ex-fiancee is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253770/ I have been told by many people that there is a good chance many months or even years from now she will contact me. I have wondered the best way to handle it. I've been told that sometimes when dumpers contact the dumpee, they want to assuage their guilt over how they handled things, not get back together. And by that time, I may be involved with somebody else or completely indifferent to her. From what I've read in online breakup literature, if you have no desire to reconcile, you can choose not to respond or you may be able to handle a friendship at that point. But if you still have feelings for them, ascertain right up front why they are contacting you. Don't give them any details about your life or what you are up to. I would think I would say something along the lines of "Hey ____, it's good to hear from you. This isn't mean to be rude or accusatory, but I'd like to know why you are contacting me." And if she says something about making a mistake and getting back together, you can go from there. But if she says something like she wants to catch up and see how I'm doing, then say something along the lines of "I have respected your decision to end the relationship. If the only reason you're contacting me is to catch up, then I want to remind you that I meant what I said about how a friendship would not be possible if you didn't want to work with me to save our relationship." Would that work? Read your story. All I have to say is that unless she comes back begging and pleading to do whatever it takes to make it work, there's nothing to respond to. You have to live your life as if she is NEVER coming back into the picture again. Don't let life HAPPEN while you wait for that moment. Cease this moment for your own happiness.
Author seaworld Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 I really need some encouragement. It's been 2 months now, and I am hurting now more than ever. I don't know why, why I can't let go. She just told me today, that she's "just dating" someone she met 2 wks ago, that prior to this, this guy was a complete stranger. I can't get her out of my mind. I'am literally going crazy.
cj2 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Dude your story kind of reminds me of my own situation, I literally did not see it coming, we were together for 3 years, I was going to propose this Christmas day and thought we were both happy that this was it for us. I found out that she'd been sending raunchy emails to an ex, confronted her because I wanted to get it resolved and then she split with me a few days later, saying we had "no future, no prospect of marriage, wouldn't ever have kids etc". I find it tough just like you do, that someone can seemingly change their mind like that and give up hope in an instant. All I had heard for the past year was "when are we going to get engaged", "I think we shoud have children in a couple of years" or her favourite "I can't remember what life was like before I met you and I don't want to remember". When she split up with me she said she had "lots of underlying issues with us that had been swept under the carpet". Now personally I don't see how you can ever have a successfull relationship if you don't talk about issues and try to work them through. But I wonder if your ex is similar in that respect? As others had already said, her story about your sex life doesn't quite add up and it can often be an indicator of problems elsewhere, maybe she wasn't entirely truthful about how she felt in the run up to the breakup? You said right at the start of the story about how private she was. What do you know of her childhood, was it a happy one? The early years really shape a person for the rest of their life and if she grew up in a household where things weren't right, it can cause comittment issues down the road. The fact that shes dating someone already points to insecurity if you ask me. As others have said, delete her from facebook asap, block her as well, or ask her to block you, that way you get no insight and out of sight does help to get out of mind.
homebrew Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 (edited) Dude your story kind of reminds me of my own situation, I literally did not see it coming, we were together for 3 years, I was going to propose this Christmas day and thought we were both happy that this was it for us. I found out that she'd been sending raunchy emails to an ex, confronted her because I wanted to get it resolved and then she split with me a few days later, saying we had "no future, no prospect of marriage, wouldn't ever have kids etc". I find it tough just like you do, that someone can seemingly change their mind like that and give up hope in an instant. All I had heard for the past year was "when are we going to get engaged", "I think we shoud have children in a couple of years" or her favourite "I can't remember what life was like before I met you and I don't want to remember". When she split up with me she said she had "lots of underlying issues with us that had been swept under the carpet". Now personally I don't see how you can ever have a successfull relationship if you don't talk about issues and try to work them through. But I wonder if your ex is similar in that respect? As others had already said, her story about your sex life doesn't quite add up and it can often be an indicator of problems elsewhere, maybe she wasn't entirely truthful about how she felt in the run up to the breakup? You said right at the start of the story about how private she was. What do you know of her childhood, was it a happy one? The early years really shape a person for the rest of their life and if she grew up in a household where things weren't right, it can cause comittment issues down the road. The fact that shes dating someone already points to insecurity if you ask me. As others have said, delete her from facebook asap, block her as well, or ask her to block you, that way you get no insight and out of sight does help to get out of mind. All good information and advice except the part about asking her to block you on facebook. You would regret doing that! That would make you look like a total chump! If you were to do that, you are basically telling your EX that you have no power or control over your own behavior and actions. Not very attractive or becoming of a man (or women for that matter)! Edited December 18, 2010 by homebrew
Author seaworld Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 I'm losing my sanity. I lost 9 pounds over this ordeal. Her childhood was okay, her parents didnt treat her that well, but did not abuse her. Pretty much favored her brother in everything, and did not favor her and her sister. Drove her crazy. She moved out of her parents house and cut them out, and she lived with me. It shocked me that she would cut her parents out, but at the time, I didn't care, she was with me, we were happy and I was just there to be with her. What bothers me sooo much is, that she is a private, keeps to herself and quiet person, doesn't really go out much, doesnt have that much friends. As soon as we broke up, she starts hanging out with these students from her school, she would seemingly go out whenever she has a chance, comes home late, sleeps over (I don't even know if its a girl or guy, I only know she hasnt been home much for the past week). I just dont get how she can change like this. Its like, the girl I knew died, and replaced her with some party girl. It is so unlike her to "date" somebody, only after meeting them, I just don't get it.
cj2 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 All good information and advice except the part about asking her to block you on facebook. You would regret doing that! That would make you look like a total chump! If you were to do that, you are basically telling your EX that you have no power or control over your own behavior and actions. Not very attractive or becoming of a man (or women for that matter)! I asked my ex to block me and I said I would block her, I had no problem asking her to do that. We both have common friends and I don't want to see any comments or wall postings she'd made on their pages. It wasn't about power or control, but just about getting her out of my life, along with deleting emails, getting rid of any of her stuff around my flat etc.
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