redfathom Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 My husbands "best friend" as he calls her is a female, 26 years old. They started being friends when she was single and now she has a boyfriend. Background on that it was the guy her best friend was in love with for years. So I wouldn't put anything past her. Anyways, there are times I feel they cross the line. They don't hang out alone, expect work lunches. They do text each other, talk on the phone. I have met her several times and she seems nice. She is very insecure and like male attention. Issues: She tired to schedule a male only vegas trip, no wifes invited. She talks to him about her breat implants They have nick-names for each other Her birthday was last weekend and my husband wanted to buy her a camera, for $180, we don't spend that much on anyone! There have been years he didn't get me anything for my birthday, not even a card. He is now an hour late hom from work because she is having problems with her boyfriend and wanted to talk. I guess her boyfriend went to dinner with a female and didn't tell her. I knwo my husbands relationship isn't the same with her and what her boyfriend did, but I still find it hypocritical. He was home late twice last week because he was hanging out talking to her, and other co-workers. I have voiced my concern with my husband and he get's defensive and upset. I am too the point where it's affecting the way I feel about him. We also have intimacy issues I will ask to make love and he will make an excuse, only later I find he looked at porn. I am 28 and been married to him for 10 years. I wonder what I am missing out on and if I am wasting time. His friendship with her makes me jealous, to which he says is the real problem, not his friendship with her. I don't know what to do. I don't want to beg for intimacy. I also don't feel like competeing with this woman, which I guess is my problem for feeling like I have to. Two weeks ago I really just wanted to drive somewhere and stay the weekend alone, not answer his calls, nothing. I don't think I would even miss him and that makes me sad. He was my best friend and I feel like I am losing him. Top it off I have health issues and when I try to share them with him he cuts me off. But he can spend an hour at work talking to her about her boyfriend. She should be talking to her best friend - who has known her boyfriend for four years...I think she wants a male to reassure her that she is worth something. I have even thought about getting a male friend, just to show him how it feels. But I wouldn't want to hurt the other person like that. Advice? Thanks.
BellaBellaBella Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 They are having an emotional affair. I would try and put a keylogger on his phone and one on your computer. Make sure it doesn't turn physical. This is not an appropriate relationship.
Author redfathom Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 We talked tonight and I shared how I feel. He said he would try to get home on time, and prefers to come hom on time. He said he would never hurt me and would never cross a line by spending time with her alone. We have talked about emotional affairs in the past. I told him I feel alone and sometimes wonder where this relationship is going, I feel guilty for saying it. Sometime I feel like I am overreaccting. I told him its fight or flight and that I feel like I am done fighting about it.
DuskCrush Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Sorry but he is a jerk! You should divorce his ass!! Just leave him!--please? I give you full permission...is that the kind of relationship you dreamed about? I say --get out now!
hoping2heal Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I would say this become inappropriate when your husband told you, his wife - that another woman was his best friend. Since he hasn't clued in already - yes, ask him to drop her. Don't let him get you with a "you're just being controlling" speech, either. That is a load of crap. If a relationship with another female makes your wife feel uncomfortable - then sorry but she goes. That is just how it is.
freestyle Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.It lays it all on the line. See if you can get your H to read it also. This "friendship" is definitely crossing the line. Especially if your H has time to listen to HER problems, but he's not there for you when YOU need support? That's a classic sign of of an EA, right there. He's prioritizing her emotional needs above yours. You're his wife. Don't feel guilty about your reactions, they are normal reactions to a b.s. situation. Ask your H how he would feel if you started hanging out with a guy friend all the time, coming home late...........and didn't have time to listen to your H's feelings............
BellaBellaBella Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 That is a great book! They have it on kindle. You can download kindle on your computer and buy it as an ebook. Bella
fltc Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 (edited) We talked tonight and I shared how I feel. He said he would try to get home on time, and prefers to come home on time. He said he would never hurt me and would never cross a line by spending time with her alone. We have talked about emotional affairs in the past. I told him I feel alone and sometimes wonder where this relationship is going, I feel guilty for saying it. Sometime I feel like I am overreaccting. I told him its fight or flight and that I feel like I am done fighting about it. You did exactly right, if things don't change you might insist on marriage counseling before the 'flight' option, possible someone from outside can make him see what he's doing is very wrong and very hurtful to you. Edited December 7, 2010 by fltc spelling check
hotgurl Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Red I am so sorry this is still going on. At this point he won't change. You have to decide if you can live with it or not.
kiss_andmakeup Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Red I am so sorry this is still going on. At this point he won't change. You have to decide if you can live with it or not. I agree. I think the days of trying to reason with him, explain how you feel, and try to get him to see the error of his ways have long since passed. At this point you have to just take him at face value, the way he is now, or leave him. if I were you, I would certainly go with the latter. You are young and you are wasting time with someone who doesn't seem to value you very much at all.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 The guy is only in her life because he sees himself as being in-line for her affections. The fact that you and she are of similar age only aggravates an already impossible situation. It would be nice to know, for certain, what her use for your husband is. If she long ago wrote him off as "no chance", then that could be of some small comfort. Of course it would be difficult for you to learn the truth on that topic.
frozensprouts Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Oh dear, I know how you feel. My husband did something very similar, and their friendship soon became a full fledged affair. He is making himself emotionally available to her, but what about to you? It sounds like he is being unfair, and you need to talk to him about it right away ( from the sound of things you have already done this). Their friendship has to stop, now. She has a boyfriend, let him be the one she confides in, etc. if that is not feasible, an female friend will have to suffice. How would your husband feel if the roles were reversed and it was You who was spending all this time talking/chatting/texting with another male friend? I don't think he'd be too happy.
hoping2heal Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.It lays it all on the line. See if you can get your H to read it also. This "friendship" is definitely crossing the line. Especially if your H has time to listen to HER problems, but he's not there for you when YOU need support? That's a classic sign of of an EA, right there. He's prioritizing her emotional needs above yours. You're his wife. Don't feel guilty about your reactions, they are normal reactions to a b.s. situation. Ask your H how he would feel if you started hanging out with a guy friend all the time, coming home late...........and didn't have time to listen to your H's feelings............ You have hit the nail on the head!!
freestyle Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 You have hit the nail on the head!! Thanks, H2H. Unfortunately, it's because I've lived through a very similar scenario myself. It's hard to see it clearly when you're in the middle of it--I've gained a lot in hindsight, and basically I've read everything I could to understand the dynamics--books, as well as people's stories on places like LS.The parallels between people's different stories are profound, actually. It really does seem like the waywards follow a script: "We're just friends." "What, don't you want me to have any friends?" "He/she really needs a friend right now, 'cuz XYZ is happening to them." "You're overreacting/paranoid/insecure/jealous..etc. ad nauseum." "I just needed someone to talk to about our relationship problems.." (how about talking to the person you're in the relationship with, then?duh.) Redfathom, the only way I see you possibly getting your H to understand your point of view is by presenting the shoe-on-the-other-foot scenario to him.Choose a time when you can both have a comfortable heart-to-heart, not when you're rushing out the door, or overtired, etc. It might help if you write him letter outlining your feelings in advance, so you don't get tongue-tied or flustered, if the discussion becomes heated. (which it very likely will) If that doesn't pierce through his fog, my next suggestion is to read up on the 180--it's on the Marriagebuilders site.I've heard of it being very effective.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Advice? Thanks. Yes. I went back and read previous threads about your marriage. Your husband sucks! It would not take long to find a better man. Especially for someone who seems as nice as you. I bet you are really pretty too. You need to just stick a fork in this marriage. It's done.
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