artchick88 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I've been with my new boyfriend for a couple months. We had instant chemistry and are totally compatible in most ways. After a few dates, he told me he knew it was crazy but that he really wanted to be exclusive. I waited a couple more dates and agreed. He is the nicest man I've ever been with. So considerate and caring. He has even told me he wants me to follow him to where he's moving in the fall of next year and we are talking seriously about possible plans all the time. The first couple months of our relationship were pure bliss. Now that we are moving into the more comfortable phase of our relationship, a bit of the "honeymoon phase" has worn off, which is okay, a bit disappointing but it's to be expected. Anyway, as a bit of the attentiveness wears off, I'm left feeling like it's really time to express more intimate feelings. I want to tell him I love him, but I really want him to tell me first. Is it too soon to tell him I love him? Should I wait for him to say it first? How long should I wait to hear these words from him? Side note, he is 10 yrs older than I am, and plans for the future mostly involve his obligations. This influences my desire to wait for him to say it first quite a bit. I do not want to seem like a desperate love-sick little girl. I really love this man and if we are moving into the "comfortable stage" this is something I need to hear. All thoughts welcome and appreciated! THANK YOU.
Author artchick88 Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 additionally, i really do love him. I want to tell him so that we can become closer. I want him to know how much he means to me (without freaking him out.)
Confusedalways Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Yes, you should say it if you feel it. I'll never understand the whole 'who should say it first' idea. It's really not my thing. Why wouldn't you want to express your love for the man you love and plan to have an extensive future with?? He probably feels it too just go for it!
Eeyore79 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 You need to think carefully about his likely response. Do you think he'll be freaked out and run away if he doesn't reciprocate? Does he reciprocate, and can you handle it if he doesn't? I dated my ex for six months and never told him I had feelings for him, because he would have run a mile, and I knew he didn't have the same feelings for me (which is ultimately why we broke up). My new bf was quite clearly into me and I told him I loved him after a couple of months
Art_Critic Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 additionally, i really do love him. I want to tell him so that we can become closer. I want him to know how much he means to me (without freaking him out.) If you love someone, you tell them
D-Lish Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Hell, I've only been with my bf for a month, and I already feel myself falling really hard for him. I'm not ready to vocalize it, I want to wait for him to say it first. We have the same dynamic as you described with your guy- we have crazy chemistry and a lot of intensity. I don't think I've ever gotten along with someone as well as I do with him. My exH told me he loved me after about a month, and we never looked back. I don't think 2 months is too soon to say it. Chances are, if you're feeling it, he is too. I always like the guy to say "I love you first"- I don't know why, for me it makes it more meaningful.
carhill Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Opinion varies, but mine is, if he's talking about you uprooting and following him somewhere, he should say it first, and soon. That's a major life change he's talking about with you. If the two of you were just cruising along dating and perhaps had just begun to have sex, I could see the emotional expressions not quite being there yet, but you sound pretty far along to attachment based on your OP. Attachment comes with expression, sex being one and 'love' being another. He's not afraid to ask you to move, so he can be equally bold in other areas. Good luck
Author artchick88 Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 My new bf was quite clearly into me and I told him I loved him after a couple of months So, you told him first? What was his response?
Author artchick88 Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 Opinion varies, but mine is, if he's talking about you uprooting and following him somewhere, he should say it first, and soon. That's a major life change he's talking about with you. If the two of you were just cruising along dating and perhaps had just begun to have sex, I could see the emotional expressions not quite being there yet, but you sound pretty far along to attachment based on your OP. Attachment comes with expression, sex being one and 'love' being another. He's not afraid to ask you to move, so he can be equally bold in other areas. Good luck I really agree with what you're saying. In your opinion, at what point should I stop waiting to hear those words? I think it's time. Since the "honeymoon" period is fading off, I need to hear those words in order to feel secure in the relationship. If he doesn't say it soon enough, what is a good way to tell him I want to hear them? Or do I just tell him he is not giving me what I need and break it off. I don't want to tell someone to tell me! How stupid is that? At the same time, I REALLY do not want to say it first. He asked me to be exclusive, he asked me to move, he should say this first. I feel I would regret it if I said it first. I'm just not sure how to respond if he doesn't say it soon. Any ideas??
D-Lish Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I really agree with what you're saying. In your opinion, at what point should I stop waiting to hear those words? I think it's time. Since the "honeymoon" period is fading off, I need to hear those words in order to feel secure in the relationship. If he doesn't say it soon enough, what is a good way to tell him I want to hear them? Or do I just tell him he is not giving me what I need and break it off. I don't want to tell someone to tell me! How stupid is that? At the same time, I REALLY do not want to say it first. He asked me to be exclusive, he asked me to move, he should say this first. I feel I would regret it if I said it first. I'm just not sure how to respond if he doesn't say it soon. Any ideas?? Just be patient! Do you guys talk about feelings a lot? The guy I am dating now is really open with his feelings, and it's such a refreshing change for me. As I said before, if you're feeling it, chances are pretty good he is feeling it too. He's already talking about future plans with you- which is an awesome sign. Sometimes with guys, they show love with actions better than they can with words- that's just how they are. It's not silly to want or need to hear those words in order to feel secure. I think the pay off is better if you wait for him to say it first though- and that involves being patient.
Eeyore79 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 (edited) So, you told him first? What was his response? He said he loved me too, and now we say it all the time I had a feeling that he might be receptive to hearing it though, and also that he was too shy to say it himself unless I said it first. So I just said it, because I figured if he didn't feel that strongly about me then it was better to cut my losses sooner rather than later. My ex was a different kettle of fish though. He told me early on that he didn't like me using words that were too affectionate, and he said he'd be scared if I loved him. All the signs suggested that he would not be receptive if I said it! Whenever he said he liked me, it was just like rubbing my nose in the fact that he didn't love me, especially because he told me that he loved his ex who he dated for less time than he'd been with me. I couldn't understand why he loved someone who treated him like crap, but didn't love me when we'd been together for longer and I treated him like gold. He simply wasn't giving me the intimacy and love that I need in a relationship, so I dumped him. Edited December 9, 2010 by Eeyore79
khria Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 If you are ready to tell him, I'd say tell him (this should really be your decision). But be prepared for getting a response that you're not ready to hear, or for that expression of love to go unreciprocated. If you can front this possibility and still want to say these words, I'd say go for it. I recently told my bf of 7 months (long time!) that I loved him, then asked if he loved me. He said no. I was crushed. He explained that he cares for me a lot (and I can tell that he does), but that he wants to save that word for the person he is prepared to spend the rest of his life with, and he's not sure I'm that person (sting number 2), but that we are on our way there (the possibility?) These are not exactly what a lovestruck girl wants to hear. But I don't regret having 'said it first' even though, sure, I would have liked to hear it from him first. I think life is too short and too uncertain to hold back on certain things.. and I still would have told him, now knowing that he wasn't ready to say it back. It actually makes me wonder why this is such a scary word for some guys. I def. am not sure I'd like to marry this dude either, but it doesn't mean I can't love someone, right?
seenabit Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I trust the 90 day rule. You will know most things in the 90 days. the first 30 is the honeymoon, the next 30 is the awareness, the following 30 is the make up your mind. You will decide what you like and what you don't, what you can live with and what you cant. Take this opportunity to take a good long look. Reflect back on what you originaly were looking for. Does he have the 7 Cs? Cash, Car, Credit, Condo,Cute, Cook, Clean. If he does he's proven to be stable and independent. If he is these things I would think he would know something as simple as does he care to tell you how he feels. Men like to hunt, not to be chased. I wouldnt tell him anything!!! play it cool, dont let your emotions take over. I would bet that you will know after the 90 days where you stand.
waynebrady Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Men like to hunt, not to be chased. I wouldnt tell him anything!!! Yeah right... The typical excuse women use so they don't have to initiate anything or put in any effort. Let me tell you something, every single woman who thinks that way doesn't anything about men. The reason I think why women don't want to say it first, is because it gives you the upper hand in the relationship. If the man says it first it means he loves you more and that's an advantage to you as a woman.
Recommended Posts