Author KarmasTestDummy Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 When you first started posting here there was another new poster as well. It's weird because I thought for sure you were going to leave MM and that she was going to go for a ride on the rollercoaster. Only the opposite happened. She walked and you're on the ride. In those first couple threads I posted a lot of advice for you to leave because at the time I felt that you were leaning that way, and I thought that was the best course for your situation. Also, the issue with the BS being a bad mother, etc. just seemed to be full of drama. I am actually glad to hear that she isn't the horrible mother that MM initially led you to believe. Anyways, I'm pretty sure that you know what you're dealing with when it comes to your relationship with MM. In another post you analyzed your relationship patterns and seem to be clear on that as well. So I wish you well and won't encourage you to leave him. If I see a thread where you are asking for advice I will try help if I can, and I will refrain from posting about ending and NC. Are you referring to Star Bright? I remember we had quite a bit of feelings and situations occurring at the same time that felt so similar. We both found resolution and faltered at the same time, but you're right, she stuck to her guns (for which I'm very proud of her) when I did not. I saw her show strength when I did not. It just boils down to me simply not seeing things as a doomed situation just yet. I believe she had been with her mm much longer than me and had already run the gammat. But it does go to show that just the same as we can not judge who is and isn't strong enough to walk away the same holds true that we can't assume which of our mm are telling the truth and may actually choose OW either.
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 we can't assume which of our mm are telling the truth and may actually choose OW either. But can you see the way you are addicted to your MM and all that he brings into your life, your MM is addicted to his wife and all that she brings into his life, AND he also is addicted to what you bring into his life. His wife is addicted to him as well. It's a vicious circle that isn't going to change. In some sense, it's a waiting game to see who bows out first.
calliope Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 And so many want to jump on me as if I have years invested and am wasting my life away. We are a relatively new relationship. We only met 6 months ago. I'd like to at bare minimum afford him the time to know if it's right, if it's real love worth leaving for, and how he should proceed to do so if and when he decides to. At 7 months I resigned myself to OW status because having him in my life was better than not having him in my life. As months went by, it clearly wasn't enough for me, nor him. D-day was 6 wks ago, he left home 6 days ago (his own choice), then went back home 4 days ago. I truly hope things work out better for you and you don't ever have to feel what I'm feeling right now. Just do what's best for you, whatever that may be. Only you know that.
someday Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Originally Posted by KarmasTestDummy And so many want to jump on me as if I have years invested and am wasting my life away. We are a relatively new relationship. We only met 6 months ago. I'd like to at bare minimum afford him the time to know if it's right, if it's real love worth leaving for, and how he should proceed to do so if and when he decides to. Wow, really? This R is just 6 mo's old? With all this drama already? IMVHO, not a good sign.
bentnotbroken Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Wow, really? This R is just 6 mo's old? With all this drama already? IMVHO, not a good sign. Yeah can you imagine what will happen at the one year mark? Drugs, wife bully, cheating spouse, supportive family of cheater, kids involved, cops....whole heap o' mess.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 Wow, really? This R is just 6 mo's old? With all this drama already? IMVHO, not a good sign. Yea we're kinda new at this...don't know affair protocol so ish kinda hit the fan for a bit. I guess we'll see.
awkward Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Are you referring to Star Bright? I remember we had quite a bit of feelings and situations occurring at the same time that felt so similar. We both found resolution and faltered at the same time, but you're right, she stuck to her guns (for which I'm very proud of her) when I did not. I saw her show strength when I did not. It just boils down to me simply not seeing things as a doomed situation just yet. I believe she had been with her mm much longer than me and had already run the gammat. But it does go to show that just the same as we can not judge who is and isn't strong enough to walk away the same holds true that we can't assume which of our mm are telling the truth and may actually choose OW either. Yes I do think that it was Star Bright. And I wasn't really trying to compare your relationships, I just remembered thinking that you sounded like you were done. I think the fact that her MM had left the marital home at the time made me think that she would go for the ride. Now I'm curious to see if I posted in her thread and what advice I gave her. I'll have to check. And it is true that we can't assume which MM is telling the truth and will divorce. The OW can though listen to what he says and then watch what he does. If the two match up then the chances of him meaning what he says is probably good. If he says one thing and does another, the chances are probably not so good.
jennie-jennie Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Yes I do think that it was Star Bright. And I wasn't really trying to compare your relationships, I just remembered thinking that you sounded like you were done. I think the fact that her MM had left the marital home at the time made me think that she would go for the ride. Now I'm curious to see if I posted in her thread and what advice I gave her. I'll have to check. And it is true that we can't assume which MM is telling the truth and will divorce. The OW can though listen to what he says and then watch what he does. If the two match up then the chances of him meaning what he says is probably good. If he says one thing and does another, the chances are probably not so good. I believe Star Bright had been having qualms of conscience all along feeling that it would not be okay if her MM left his marriage for her. So Star Bright was likely going against her morals all along by having an affair. It is, like Silly Girl says, vital that you are true to yourself.
jennie-jennie Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 And other posters have also argued that being 'true to yourself', should have moral boundaries in order to work. These boundaries do not allow hurt of others. You are talking about a set of absolute morals. Not everyone agrees that there is such a set. So for them to be true to themselves might be quite different than for you. For Star Bright I believe her set of morals was in the way for her participating fully in a relationship with her MM. For Karma the situation might be different, only she can say for sure. For me, I have many moral boundaries, but none that interfere with having a relationship with my MM.
fooled once Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 As some have posted about having issues with others bringing their name/situation up in a totally unrelated thread that they haven't started, I believe it is only fair to NOT make statements about Star_Bright and insert your assumptions. Star, if she wants, may choose to participate in this thread, but I think it is wrong to be discussing her and her relationships, morals and feelings without her bringing it up. I believe Tony has stated that this is not something he wants to see. Jennie, you have stated numerous times in various threads that posters are not to bring you and your situation up, so please give the same respect to others when the thread is not posted by them or if they haven't brought up their own situation.
awkward Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 ^^^ True. I apologize Star Bright for mentioning you in this thread.
Tony Posted December 10, 2010 Senior Moderators Posted December 10, 2010 Star, if she wants, may choose to participate in this thread, but I think it is wrong to be discussing her and her relationships, morals and feelings without her bringing it up. I believe Tony has stated that this is not something he wants to see. Jennie, you have stated numerous times in various threads that posters are not to bring you and your situation up, so please give the same respect to others when the thread is not posted by them or if they haven't brought up their own situation. Couldn't have said it better myself. This is not a gossip forum. If you can't write something that helps people...without dragging other members situations from other threads into it...go scribble on your Weekly Reader!
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 ^^^ True. I apologize Star Bright for mentioning you in this thread. Ditto!!!!!!
someday Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Yea we're kinda new at this...don't know affair protocol so ish kinda hit the fan for a bit. I guess we'll see. I wonder, do you fall in love easy? If you do (and it's not a bad thing if you do) could that be why this R is so intense for you? You mentioned that your R with your xH was a long distacne, low contact type of courtship...do you think that might be why he's your X now? Maybe you need more contact from a man to be satisfied with the R.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 I wonder, do you fall in love easy? If you do (and it's not a bad thing if you do) could that be why this R is so intense for you? You mentioned that your R with your xH was a long distacne, low contact type of courtship...do you think that might be why he's your X now? Maybe you need more contact from a man to be satisfied with the R. No he's my ex because he was physically abusive and controlling and had a 4 year long affair and two children with my best friend.
someday Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 No he's my ex because he was physically abusive and controlling and had a 4 year long affair and two children with my best friend. OMG! What an ass....but, did you really get to *know* him before you M'ed him? If the courtship was low contact? The only reason I ask that is because, as you know, our past plays into our present...and wondered if there might be some kinda connection between the two...since you are the common denominator to both R's...well, maybe low contact doesn't work for you long term. Just a thought. What about falling in love easy? I know some of my friends seem to be falling in love every other month! lol...but really, maybe reflect on these two thoughts for yourself.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 I wonder, do you fall in love easy? If you do (and it's not a bad thing if you do) could that be why this R is so intense for you? You mentioned that your R with your xH was a long distacne, low contact type of courtship...do you think that might be why he's your X now? Maybe you need more contact from a man to be satisfied with the R. Sorry forgot to answer the other question...I don't know that I fall in love easy per se. I do develop strong feelings easily and am quick to think about the future possibilities, but I have told very few men in my life that I love them. The closest I'd say 3 in my life were real...my husband, the first man I dated after my husband, and my mm. The man I dated afterwords taught me what being the recipient of real love was supposed to feel like. It was definitely too quick out of marriage though and my ex wreaked havoc on it at the time. I didn't love again for a year later with mm despite dating several.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 OMG! What an ass....but, did you really get to *know* him before you M'ed him? If the courtship was low contact? The only reason I ask that is because, as you know, our past plays into our present...and wondered if there might be some kinda connection between the two...since you are the common denominator to both R's...well, maybe low contact doesn't work for you long term. Just a thought. What about falling in love easy? I know some of my friends seem to be falling in love every other month! lol...but really, maybe reflect on these two thoughts for yourself. The courtship started long distance but we were living together for 4 years before I agreed to marry him. even then I had reservations because of his controlling behavior but we already had a child together and I was a victim of thinking he really loved me as much as I loved him and that he was controlling because of his passion and jealousy for me. It was a bad call. I don't think even then I wanted to get married but he did and made it sound like getting married and Gavin another baby were going to make our lives some fairytale. His affair started a month after my second child was born, and his daughter with her is only 11 months younger than mine.
Recommended Posts