sally4sara Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Doesn't love matter? I never said I wasn't responsible. Times are tough right now for a lot of people. That doesn't make them irresponsible. I lost my job. I will admit I was irresponsible in my late teens-early twenties with money and its unfortunate that it follows you for 7 years but I'm not that young person anymore. I'm not sure its about whether love is enough or not so much as its about what that is worth to you. Do you like the guy so far? Think he might be the one? If its yes and yes, as long as you don't fear him using your credit info in some nefarious fashion, showing you meet his measure for marriage is part of the goal of dating - yes? Say his ideals are to be able to freely love and trust for the rest of his life, a woman just like you who is also able to be responsible with money whether in financial excess or in financial deficiency? Is that unreasonable?
Author Fionah Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 So why didnt you take a guy who is more broke than you? I bet he wont care about your situation since he is just as broke. Its funny that most women say they would accept a man the way he is even if he has less than her but at the end of the day these same women always somehow end up being with men who have more than them. Coincidence? Yeah right. Doesnt love matter? Maybe in Sweden where a Crown Princess married her personal trainer. Only in Sweden ... Anyway, for those who say the guy brought up the questions too soon, how long should he have waited instead? Six months? A year? If its a dealbreaker for him, isnt it better to get it out of the way as soon as possible than prolonging it? I have dated men from different financial backrounds. The current guy I'm dating is different in the way he treats me. He contacted me on a dating website. Its quite ironic that I was doing the online dating thing for about 9 months when he contacted me and I had been out with different men that only seemed to like to play games or didn't know how to treat a woman. One was an attorney, one was a waiter, etc. I wasn't interested in how much money they had, I was looking to meet someone nice and someone honest. I was all ready to stop online dating after meeting all these jerks and than I received an email from my current bf and decided to try one more time.
refurb Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Doesn't love matter? I never said I wasn't responsible. Times are tough right now for a lot of people. That doesn't make them irresponsible. I lost my job. I will admit I was irresponsible in my late teens-early twenties with money and its unfortunate that it follows you for 7 years but I'm not that young person anymore. I wasn't saying anything about you, I was generalizing. I think he was asking because he wants to know you can handle your finances responsibly. Maybe you haven't in the past, but that doesn't stop you from being now. And no, love is not enough. It's important, but it's also important to find people who are compatible with your lifestyle/goals. I've been very serious about girls who in the end just weren't a good match because we valued different things. RF
hoping2heal Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 months. I'm 30 he is 33. He is the most wonderful guy, and he treats me better than anyone I have ever dated. He is very educated and successful. I just decided to get a degree a few months ago, after I lost my job. I was a little intimidated by his job and his success at first, but I have adjusted. I have been stressed out lately because of my financial situation. I have tried my best to hide it from him but yesterday I admitted to him that I was worried because I'm currently having a hard time since I'm only working part time since I'm in school. He than started asking personal questions like if I had savings, or money invested (which I don't). He has money to save and invest because he does well for a living. He than asked me if I have alot of debt. I didn't tell him my exact debt amount, but he knows I have a new car and I do have some credit card debt. In recent years I have started to repair my credit but it is not yet considered good credit. I asked him why he was asking all these questions. I told him I wasn't looking for someone to take care of me financially. He said he wasn't trying to be intrusive but his last long term relationship was with a woman that had a lot of debt and didn't like to work. He said he knows I'm not like that but he is looking to settle down and if that person he settles down with is me he feels these things are important to discuss. I feel it has only been two months and these questions are a little too early to answer. We haven't even told each other "I love you" yet... opinions? I see nothing wrong with him asking. As other posters have mentioned, he may want to know more before getting further invested in the relationship. IF your financial information is going to be a deal breaker, it is really best for both of you to know that now because it would certainly hurt worse later on down the line. I understand it could feel personaly, but relationships are personal, and they include disclosing some personal things. If a woman wanted to know about a man's financial situation after 2 months, I'm sure she'd have full support.
hearttobreak Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 You can't get a legitimate education and not go into debt. Perhaps if you're a trust fund baby I can see it happening. I did. Worked two jobs and took a few more years to do, but I did. No debt. It is possible. No social life, but no debt either.
hearttobreak Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Yes I would. Just to be clear I don't have a lot of debt compared to other people my age. I think its important to have savings which is something I don't have. My boyfriend had a privilaged upbringing. His parents had money and paid for his schooling. He doesn't have student loans or anything like that. I think love is what is important not money. Maybe if I had tons of debt and other issues I could better understand. But like I said I don't have kids and I see my financial situation as a current issue not one that will last for years to come. I decided to better myself and go back to school for a better career. I have a lot to offer as a human being and I want to fall in love with someone that will love me for me not for my credit score. He knew what I have done for work and that I was in school when we met. We met on a dating website. So if he wanted to meet someone successful, he should have contacted someone more like him. Is love going to pay your rent, utilities, food, clothes, car, etc? If so, please tell me what country you reside in, cause I want to move there ASAP.
BobSacamento Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 This guy is clueless. It sounds like he has zero respect for you and your judgment. If I were you I'd have a few questions for him but alas I respect myself too much to even lower myself to that level.
Yer_Blues Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I did. Worked two jobs and took a few more years to do, but I did. No debt. It is possible. No social life, but no debt either. Depends on the situation and the prestige of the school, but you have to respect anybody who takes responsibility for obtaining what they need to succeed without a lot of resources going in. I think in most situations, depending on the number, it's better to take the debt, enjoy college, and focus on what you want to do. A lot of people who try to do other things at the same time fail. However, people who can pull it off are going to have a lot more discipline and self-motivation coming out of school. Depends on what you expect to make financially out of college though. I personally will borrow all that I have to, because it's almost guaranteed that the money will be child's play once I'm out of school, and the four years you never get again.
D-Lish Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 The guy I am dating has been involved in relationships in the past where he has "taken care" of his ex's. They moved in with him, quit their job, and just lived off of him. In my opinion, it's a valid question.
hearttobreak Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I will admit, I am happy that I am financially sound and do not have to worry about any debt. But I am envious of my peers that I grew up with who managed to keep their friends, have relationships, and a social life. They do not seem to have to go on the dating sites to get a date. They have friends and things to do on the weekends. I do sometimes regret taking ten years to achieve my BA and MS with no debt cause, as it stands now, while I am very financially stable, the social cost was huge. And I sometimes regret that. In your 30's it is very hard to make new friends, reach back and see if your old friends want to do anything with you and to date. Plus, with the all the work towards my education and degree, I am at least a decade behind my peers in terms of relationships. To be my age and to just recently loose your virginity, it embarrassing. I would never share that with anyone. I remember both in HS and college the many times I had the chances to fool around, but I didn't. Need to work to help the family with the bills. Or needed to study to make the grade while everyone else is having a good time. When you are rushed into adulthood in your mid-teens, you never get to experience what a regular teenager or a person in their 20's had to experience. And, I believe, it's is now coming back and hurting me big time.......
kassy Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 If you have managed your debt responsibly and can explain that and your plan to pay the rest off with realistic means and time-frames and the debt left isn't too much. Well then I'd be impressed by that rather than put off by it if I was a guy dating you. Just tell him about your situation and put his mind at ease and then forget about it. I would go into specific figures, as 'not much' is too subjective and may not put him at ease. I think it is probably a bigger deal to you than it needs to be.
musemaj11 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I have dated men from different financial backrounds. The current guy I'm dating is different in the way he treats me. He contacted me on a dating website. Its quite ironic that I was doing the online dating thing for about 9 months when he contacted me and I had been out with different men that only seemed to like to play games or didn't know how to treat a woman. One was an attorney, one was a waiter, etc. I wasn't interested in how much money they had, I was looking to meet someone nice and someone honest. I was all ready to stop online dating after meeting all these jerks and than I received an email from my current bf and decided to try one more time. You sound like a genuine person. But imagine for a second if you were in his shoes. You have everything and suddenly this guy shows up in your life. He is in his 30s, barely has a job, and struggling with debt. How would you feel? Im pretty sure you would have some worries in the back of your head too.
zengirl Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I did. Worked two jobs and took a few more years to do, but I did. No debt. It is possible. No social life, but no debt either. Recently? It's gotten harder. I did it too, but it was on scholarship -- full tuition paid. I worked full time just to pay for my living expenses, and that was back when times were decent in the early 2000s and you could make money in commission sales or restaurants. I didn't live fancy either. I do have some student loans now, but I think at the PhD level, that's acceptable. Especially since my salary potential will almost triple with my PhD in my field (Education) because it opens up administrative and research positions.
Author Fionah Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 You sound like a genuine person. But imagine for a second if you were in his shoes. You have everything and suddenly this guy shows up in your life. He is in his 30s, barely has a job, and struggling with debt. How would you feel? Im pretty sure you would have some worries in the back of your head too. Well if I pursued him or if I wasn't upfront when we first met than I could better understand. But he pursued me and he knew my from the first phone call that I was in school and working part time. I never hid that. And l also think you can tell a lot about a person from where they live..etc. If his concerns end up being a dealbreaker he should have made that clear much earlier.
denise_xo Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I think those kind of questions are pretty reasonable, but you have to be a bit smart about how you go about asking them. But in general I'd be appreciative of a potential partner asking those questions if it was clear that they were meant to establish the level of financial maturity and responsibility. Having compatible attitudes towards spending levels and financial priorities is extremely important in a relationship, 'love' can't necessarily cancel out the strain of mismatches in that area. Maybe he asked at the wrong time, but given that he's had a bad experience in the past then maybe cut him so slack if you otherwise really like him.
Author Fionah Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 I think those kind of questions are pretty reasonable, but you have to be a bit smart about how you go about asking them. But in general I'd be appreciative of a potential partner asking those questions if it was clear that they were meant to establish the level of financial maturity and responsibility. Having compatible attitudes towards spending levels and financial priorities is extremely important in a relationship, 'love' can't necessarily cancel out the strain of mismatches in that area. Maybe he asked at the wrong time, but given that he's had a bad experience in the past then maybe cut him so slack if you otherwise really like him. I do like him...a lot. I will never be able to match how financially secure he is. But I don't spend money in an irresponsible manner. Most of the money I make goes to bills. I very rarely have "spending money". He is able to take off work when he wants or travel when he wants. I can't ansd he knew that from the beginning. So I just feel if he was looking for someone that could do those things he should have looked for a partner with a similiar lifestyle, not me.
krz12 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 You can't get a legitimate education and not go into debt. Perhaps if you're a trust fund baby I can see it happening. Sounds like a prenup waiting to happen.
carhill Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 So I just feel if he was looking for someone that could do those things he should have looked for a partner with a similar lifestyle, not me. That's reasonable. That said, do you feel your financial management styles match up pretty well? One can be a good money manager and be disparately 'poor' compared to another person due to circumstances. Ask anyone who's been divorced. It's hard to exit that kind of life change all shiny and perfect. In your case, it's a past BK and school. Did you learn? Likely you did. I feel it has only been two months and these questions are a little too early to answer. We haven't even told each other "I love you" yet... opinions? Were his questions appropriate? In a dating situation, I would not have asked direct questions, but rather would have shared my philosophies and sought feedback. I might have thrown in a few curves just to see if the audience was paying attention How does he feel about having a pre-nup, in general? Interesting question for you to ask of him. Leave it open-ended. Ask how he *feels* about it.
callingyouuu Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 So I just feel if he was looking for someone that could do those things he should have looked for a partner with a similiar lifestyle, not me. I agree, so it's a good sign that he's still around. Like many others, I think his question was very reasonable. Love is important, but breakups in serious relationships are becoming more and more about financial stability now than ever before. I think if you just explain your situation to him and let him know that you've made improvements, you should be fine. In all honesty, I think you just like him a lot, so you're afraid to scare him away with your money issues (even if they're not that bad) by talking about it now. Are you're hoping that if you can sort of postpone the discussion, his feelings for you will grow to a point where your debt won't matter? I'm also curious about the prenup question.
Author Fionah Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 In all honesty, I think you just like him a lot, so you're afraid to scare him away with your money issues (even if they're not that bad) by talking about it now. Are you're hoping that if you can sort of postpone the discussion, his feelings for you will grow to a point where your debt won't matter? I'm also curious about the prenup question. My money issues are not that bad. I have some old and current debt that I can clean up with time and hard work. Especially when I'm done with school. I just don't have the availability to work more hours right now and of course I only make so much working part time. I feel it should have been obvious to him when he found out my lifestyle and work/school situation. So he shouldn't be surprised I don't not an heiress. I feel that love is so much more important than anything else and I want a partner that feels the same.
Author Fionah Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 How does he feel about having a pre-nup, in general? Interesting question for you to ask of him. Leave it open-ended. Ask how he *feels* about it. I won't ask about that. It is WAY too soon. Thats not something I care to know about right now.
Author Fionah Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 "So he shouldn't be surprised I don't not an heiress" *not an heiress
carhill Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I see it as a balance of his questions about financials. It's not personal nor specific to him, but a general question. Considering the disparity of your financial states, it's also a reasonable one, IMO. My advice is predicated upon mutual interest in a LTR. If this is casual dating/STR, disregard. What I'd be looking for is compatible *style*, rather than matching numbers. Women often ask me on the first or second date what I'm looking for in a relationship. I see them as smart and enlightened, preferring to invest their time into compatible dynamics. Each gender, and each person, has their own unique 'list' of preferences and compatibilities. If they match up, cool. If not, no problem. Each person moves on. Seeking such guidance openly is part of a normal adult relationship/interaction, IMO.
tinktronik Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I agree with the OP that at 2 months of dating it is too soon to delve deeply into one another's financial situations.
Author Fionah Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 I see it as a balance of his questions about financials. It's not personal nor specific to him, but a general question. Considering the disparity of your financial states, it's also a reasonable one, IMO. My advice is predicated upon mutual interest in a LTR. If this is casual dating/STR, disregard. What I'd be looking for is compatible *style*, rather than matching numbers. Women often ask me on the first or second date what I'm looking for in a relationship. I see them as smart and enlightened, preferring to invest their time into compatible dynamics. Each gender, and each person, has their own unique 'list' of preferences and compatibilities. If they match up, cool. If not, no problem. Each person moves on. Seeking such guidance openly is part of a normal adult relationship/interaction, IMO. So I should assume it won't work out?
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