Fionah Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 months. I'm 30 he is 33. He is the most wonderful guy, and he treats me better than anyone I have ever dated. He is very educated and successful. I just decided to get a degree a few months ago, after I lost my job. I was a little intimidated by his job and his success at first, but I have adjusted. I have been stressed out lately because of my financial situation. I have tried my best to hide it from him but yesterday I admitted to him that I was worried because I'm currently having a hard time since I'm only working part time since I'm in school. He than started asking personal questions like if I had savings, or money invested (which I don't). He has money to save and invest because he does well for a living. He than asked me if I have alot of debt. I didn't tell him my exact debt amount, but he knows I have a new car and I do have some credit card debt. In recent years I have started to repair my credit but it is not yet considered good credit. I asked him why he was asking all these questions. I told him I wasn't looking for someone to take care of me financially. He said he wasn't trying to be intrusive but his last long term relationship was with a woman that had a lot of debt and didn't like to work. He said he knows I'm not like that but he is looking to settle down and if that person he settles down with is me he feels these things are important to discuss. I feel it has only been two months and these questions are a little too early to answer. We haven't even told each other "I love you" yet... opinions?
Author Fionah Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 I have never depended on anyone else financially and I don't plan to start now. I feel I have qualities more important than money. I have never been married and have no children. Most women I know my age have been married at least once and have kids from one or more men. I have been on my own since I was 18 and until recently have had a hard time since I decided to better myself and go back to school.
durkadurka Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I know it seems personal, but it's just being pragmatic. As much as it breaks my heart, I broke up with my ex partly over financial things. She was constantly giving her parents significant sums of money, which hurt our relationship. In days where people have tons of debt, and it takes years and years to get out from underneath it, finding out about the others finances is just a reality of life.
GorillaTheater Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 My two cents: 1) He may well want some reassurance that you're more financially stable than his ex. 2) You brought up a problem, so like most men he wants to help fix it (so needs some data). I don't think either reason is "over the top", but if you're not comfortable answering these questions, just tell him so. I'm wholeheartedly in favor of people enforcing appropriate boundaries.
aerogurl87 Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 It's understandable that he'd want to know what kind of financial situation you were in before getting too serious with you. My boyfriend and I discussed it together because he wanted to know if there was anything I needed to budget for before we lived together. I wish I would've asked my ex about debt before I fell head over heels for him. Near the end of our relationship I found out he was $30,000 in debt from college while he was failing literally all his classes. Money can be a deal breaker in relationships, so although this may seem intrusive I think he was just trying to gauge what he'd be getting himself into if your relationship continues. Plus on the brightside it's a pretty good sign that he sees your relationship going somewhere.
zengirl Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I agree that it's just early for that kind of talk. Something to discuss at some point but 2 months seems very early.
Sarah1977 Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 The financial issue might be a deal breaker for him, so I don't think it's unreasonable for him to ask. To be honest, it would be a deal breaker for me. If you get married, it doesn't matter that you don't need anyone to take care of you financially, that debt is on him now, too. That's what marriage is.
alexlakeman Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I agree that it's just early for that kind of talk. Something to discuss at some point but 2 months seems very early. You can't say that for sure; it all depends on the scenario.. In my case, I want a woman who can travel with me and can afford it on a regular basis. I want a woman that if I go long term, we will be in similar tax brackets.. for example, ie My ex gf, I knew she earned much less than I, as she worked for my colleague (long story), any way, fell in love, then it ended 4 yrs later, BUT I always thought what about the day we move in together? I would have to absorb more than 50% of the expenses...there would be no way she could afford to pay not even 1/2 of the rent on a $2K / month place...plus 1/2 of utilities, etc... Fast forward to today, and I am a little bit wiser, and it's actually WOMEN that you see asking those question online , ie match... Let me cut and paste my paragraph on $$ on my profile which sums it up, which I actually picked up the thought on a post from one of the threads on here : Salary doesn't measure class or personality. I feel education, background, ambition, & personality to be more important; although it makes life easier if both parties are in a similar tax bracket, but I don't feel that is a requirement. Like someone said, he's looking at a ltr potential, op should be glad; put all the cards on the table; he doesn't want to support you while you go to school to then dump his a.s.s. later on either... As for personal debt? When you go into a relationship, you have your debt, he's got his, then you get your combined debt, lol.. later on if you really end up in a relationship, it can get addressed again.
BobSacamento Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Asking a person about their financial situation shows a complete lack of class. Even if the person brings it up you just don't try to grill the person. It's taking advantage of the persons insecurity. It's when the persons begins asking for financial help/loans that it turns into your problem.
sally4sara Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I think he is being smart and realistic in his interest of your financial situation. People break up over money. He would do well by himself to find someone with a money management style and attitude about spending that matches his own. I think he recognizes what issues can be stressors to a relationship and he is seeking a relationship with as few stressors as possible to have the best chance of it lasting the long haul. You could, since he sounds like he is good at it from what you've shared, sack up and ask him to help you figure out the best, most effective way to improve your own financial situation and learn a better money management style. Even if this relationship fizzles, you'll have possibly gained some knowledge from him that will benefit you in the future.
BobSacamento Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I think he is being smart and realistic in his interest of your financial situation. People break up over money. He would do well by himself to find someone with a money management style and attitude about spending that matches his own. I think he recognizes what issues can be stressors to a relationship and he is seeking a relationship with as few stressors as possible to have the best chance of it lasting the long haul. You could, since he sounds like he is good at it from what you've shared, sack up and ask him to help you figure out the best, most effective way to improve your own financial situation and learn a better money management style. Even if this relationship fizzles, you'll have possibly gained some knowledge from him that will benefit you in the future. You can't get a legitimate education and not go into debt. Perhaps if you're a trust fund baby I can see it happening.
sally4sara Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 You can't get a legitimate education and not go into debt. Perhaps if you're a trust fund baby I can see it happening. Debt for your education is so common that I can't imagine someone seeing that as money mismanagement. But I've known people who had more than enough to meet their financial obligations yet still fritter it away on stupid junk. I'm not trying to suggest this is the case with the OP, just that he is right to be cautious about who he might eventually blend his finances with. And if he is good at the financial stuff, and she needs some help finding the best way to clear up her own debt why not pick his brain on it? He might feel good about helping her and feel flattered that she'd think he could show her some approaches. And she could, in doing so, show him being financially responsible is important to her too. And as I said, if they fizzle out down the road for some other reason, she may well have been benefited by his instruction in this area in ways that ended up lasting longer than the relationship.
Crazy Magnet Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 To me it seems like a practical and smart relationship move. I got burned big time by the exH with his debt. (Thanks to him lying to me about it.) Never again. I always have the financial discussion before considering a serious relationship with someone. Not any relationship, just a serious one. I know that my BF comes debt free and that he's a saver. I know how much he makes and how much he has in savings. He knows likewise about me. Other than school debt I have nothing, no credit cards, car payments, etc. He doesn't either. It's one of the reasons we are such a good match,we click financially. The OP should be happy that he's taking such an interest in her as to want this information. It seems to be that he's moving the relationship forward.
musemaj11 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 months. I'm 30 he is 33. He is the most wonderful guy, and he treats me better than anyone I have ever dated. He is very educated and successful. I just decided to get a degree a few months ago, after I lost my job. I was a little intimidated by his job and his success at first, but I have adjusted. I have been stressed out lately because of my financial situation. I have tried my best to hide it from him but yesterday I admitted to him that I was worried because I'm currently having a hard time since I'm only working part time since I'm in school. He than started asking personal questions like if I had savings, or money invested (which I don't). He has money to save and invest because he does well for a living. He than asked me if I have alot of debt. I didn't tell him my exact debt amount, but he knows I have a new car and I do have some credit card debt. In recent years I have started to repair my credit but it is not yet considered good credit. I asked him why he was asking all these questions. I told him I wasn't looking for someone to take care of me financially. He said he wasn't trying to be intrusive but his last long term relationship was with a woman that had a lot of debt and didn't like to work. He said he knows I'm not like that but he is looking to settle down and if that person he settles down with is me he feels these things are important to discuss. I feel it has only been two months and these questions are a little too early to answer. We haven't even told each other "I love you" yet... opinions? If the roles were reversed, would you even consider marrying him? You know, a man in his 30s with a lot of debt, only a part-time job, and no saving? I bet you $1 the answer is NO.
Seamless74 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 All depends on how you look at it.. If youve been doing that woman thing where your being all pouty and pissy and moany and hes been asking like whats wrong and you tell him.. natural curiousity might take over and he just wants to know how bad your situation is or because your putting him on the spot (even though hes old enough and smart enough to know not to try to fix your problem for you or offer advice) sometimes women paint us into a corner with your moods and problems where we offer it anyway just because were at a loss for what else to say.. Not saying thats how it happened but it very well could have. Plus side is maybe he wants to know because he anticipates that you two might have a future together negative is if you situation is really bad you probably wont. Thats one of the difference i think in like casual dating and marraige u kn ow? dating s like i love your personality, and your interests, and were so sexually compatible.. marriage is like whats your credit score lol?
refurb Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 It's an important question to ask. Whether or not it was the right time, I don't know. It comes to being a good match for someone. I don't really think the amount of savings/debt matters that much (to a limit), but it's important to know if your partner is responsible enough to handle their finances. Why? Because a lack of financial responsibility often comes with lack of responsibility in other areas. RF
Seamless74 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Why? Because a lack of financial responsibility often comes with lack of responsibility in other areas. WHY???? **** ill tell you why because if you get married to someone with a dicey financial situation that stuffs gonna effect your credit score too..
Author Fionah Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 (edited) If the roles were reversed, would you even consider marrying him? You know, a man in his 30s with a lot of debt, only a part-time job, and no saving? I bet you $1 the answer is NO. Yes I would. Just to be clear I don't have a lot of debt compared to other people my age. I think its important to have savings which is something I don't have. My boyfriend had a privilaged upbringing. His parents had money and paid for his schooling. He doesn't have student loans or anything like that. I think love is what is important not money. Maybe if I had tons of debt and other issues I could better understand. But like I said I don't have kids and I see my financial situation as a current issue not one that will last for years to come. I decided to better myself and go back to school for a better career. I have a lot to offer as a human being and I want to fall in love with someone that will love me for me not for my credit score. He knew what I have done for work and that I was in school when we met. We met on a dating website. So if he wanted to meet someone successful, he should have contacted someone more like him. Edited December 7, 2010 by Fionah
Seamless74 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I think love is what is important not money Sometimes love aint enough.. i mean loves enough for a relationship its not enough for marriage.
BobSacamento Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Sometimes love aint enough.. i mean loves enough for a relationship its not enough for marriage. It's been 2 months....
Author Fionah Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 It's an important question to ask. Whether or not it was the right time, I don't know. It comes to being a good match for someone. I don't really think the amount of savings/debt matters that much (to a limit), but it's important to know if your partner is responsible enough to handle their finances. Why? Because a lack of financial responsibility often comes with lack of responsibility in other areas. RF Doesn't love matter? I never said I wasn't responsible. Times are tough right now for a lot of people. That doesn't make them irresponsible. I lost my job. I will admit I was irresponsible in my late teens-early twenties with money and its unfortunate that it follows you for 7 years but I'm not that young person anymore.
Seamless74 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Doesn't love matter? I never said I wasn't responsible. Times are tough right now for a lot of people. That doesn't make them irresponsible. I lost my job. I will admit I was irresponsible in my late teens-early twenties with money and its unfortunate that it follows you for 7 years but I'm not that young person anymore. Fionah lol.. chill.. its allgood its probably not even as big a deal as you think it is and the whole world has student loans were just trying to offer perspective as to why your SO might have been curious about it... relax//
youngskywalker Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I was in the same situation a few years ago. I ended up breaking up with the girl because of it. Not because of the debt, I would have worked it out but she wasn't showing any responsibility. It's not about the money. It's all about if you show responsibility or not.
musemaj11 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 (edited) Yes I would. So why didnt you take a guy who is more broke than you? I bet he wont care about your situation since he is just as broke. Its funny that most women say they would accept a man the way he is even if he has less than her but at the end of the day these same women always somehow end up being with men who have more than them. Coincidence? Yeah right. Doesnt love matter? Maybe in Sweden where a Crown Princess married her personal trainer. Only in Sweden ... Anyway, for those who say the guy brought up the questions too soon, how long should he have waited instead? Six months? A year? If its a dealbreaker for him, isnt it better to get it out of the way as soon as possible than prolonging it? Edited December 7, 2010 by musemaj11
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