Linda9999 Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Hi I have a 21 year old son who I would really like to get to move out. I don't want to KICK him out, although it may come to that. He smokes in the house despite my pleadings, warnings and fines. He is disrespectful towards everyone, doesn't help out, pays his rent when he feels like it, and is basically a leech who doesn't contribute anything and just takes what he feels like when he feels like it from everyone else. He lies and steals from us - we have to literally lock up things like pop and food. I think he may have some type of personality disorder, but he would never agree and has laughed at me when I have suggested he see someone. Or else he has a drug problem, although I haven't found any evidence of such. I have told him I want him out. I am increasing his rent January 1. I haven't given him an ultimatum because frankly I don't know if I could stick to it. I don't think I could actually bring myself to kick him out in the cold. He is still my kid and I love him. And if he is mentally ill that just seems cruel. What would you do? Would you actually kick him right out? Change the locks and everything? My other two kids hate him, and I am really getting to the point where I can't stand him either. My husband and he have not gotten along for years and my husband has never really had any part in raising him.
allina Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Kick him out! He is a grown man and you are letting him run your household, interfere in your marriage and make your other kids miserable. I'm not sure how things got this out of control with him but you're not doing him any favors by allowing him to be a burden and a leech.
DaisyLeigh Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Just because he acts like an ass does not mean that he is mentally ill. What is means is, most likely, he is acting like an ass because he gets away with it and he KNOWS that you lack the balls to kick him out. Time for tough love. It is your home and you did your duty and raised him. Time for him to grow up and live on his own. If you are feeling particularly generous, offer to help him get an apartment, but really, an adult should be able to do that on their own.
fooled once Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Hi I have a 21 year old son who I would really like to get to move out. I don't want to KICK him out, although it may come to that. He smokes in the house despite my pleadings, warnings and fines. He is disrespectful towards everyone, doesn't help out, pays his rent when he feels like it, and is basically a leech who doesn't contribute anything and just takes what he feels like when he feels like it from everyone else. He lies and steals from us - we have to literally lock up things like pop and food. I think he may have some type of personality disorder, but he would never agree and has laughed at me when I have suggested he see someone. Or else he has a drug problem, although I haven't found any evidence of such. I have told him I want him out. I am increasing his rent January 1. I haven't given him an ultimatum because frankly I don't know if I could stick to it. I don't think I could actually bring myself to kick him out in the cold. He is still my kid and I love him. And if he is mentally ill that just seems cruel. What would you do? Would you actually kick him right out? Change the locks and everything? My other two kids hate him, and I am really getting to the point where I can't stand him either. My husband and he have not gotten along for years and my husband has never really had any part in raising him. Sit him down and make a plan and STICK TO IT. Tell him he has until June 1 to find a new place to live, that it is time for him to test his wings. Tell him you love him and will do what you can to help him get ready for the move, but he needs to mentally and financially prepare. Tell him between now and then, these are the rules.. (and have a written list). Tell him he either sticks to them or he is out. Treat him as if you are a landlord. If he is paying rent, then he isn't responsible IMHO for doing chores besides HIS stuff - his laundry, his bathroom cleaning, his room cleaning (to a degree). But if he is paying rent, I don't think he should be responsible for mowing the grass, etc. IF he isn't paying rent, then he should be doing chores. Take the emotion out of it. If he can't follow the rules, then he needs to find a new place to live - PERIOD. It is up to you to teach him that you "mean what you say, say what you mean". Put the boundaries in place. Stop enabling him. Good luck.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Great bieng a parent isnt it? Did you think when you were planning to have the babies that it would come to this? You have to kick him out and deal with your guilt. If you cant deal with your own guilt, then you will have to live with him. And be prepared for him to not want to talk to you after you do it. I dont know if you spoiled him or what, but he has to be on his own to grow up completely. Tough love is all he is asking for.
lavendera Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 I can't even imagine having a child turned adult that would act like that. Total disregard for others. Obviously he didn't get like that yesterday so this shouldn't come as a surprise. Does he work? It seems that you are enabling him to be this guy and it's time for a bit of tough love. "I love you but...." and then let him know there's going to be some changes. Make it uncomfortable for him to even be there. Remove some furniture, get rid of your ashtrays, get rid of your television for awhile. Too extreme? Help him find an apartment or a roommate through craigslist. Save the rent he gives you for a couple of months and let him use that for a deposit. TELL him the effect he's having on you, your family, your marriage. He's a big boy, remind him. Where do most of his friends live? Also at home? Did he get an education? Maybe if you got him into a community college he will start feeling better about himself. He can't be feeling that his life is going in a positive direction if he's living at home and doing nothing but making everyone miserable. Good luck! Think Tough Love.
cmh2002 Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Its time for him to grow up! You need to sit him down and tell him he needs to get help and pay the rent on time, help out any anything else you want and be prepared to stick to it. You can't help someone who won't help themselves. I wouldn't allow my kids to live with me at that age unless they were obeying my rules and paying rent. My son is 8 1/2yrs old and has an autism spectrum disorder so I could see him living with me when he graduates high school but only if he does as expected.
sally4sara Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I know you love your son and you worry what kind of relationship you will have if you kick him out, but it has to be done. The only mental illness he has is knowing that you're a softy and don't want him to hate you. But he will gather his feet under him and finally grow up to see what a brat he has been or he will remain someone you don't want in your life much. Tell him you're putting him out. If he doesn't have a job, offer help with making a resume. Tell him that he needs to make some calls to see if any of his friends need or can take temporarily, a roommate. Offer that if he would like to come to dinner some nights, to call and you will be glad to have his company for a meal and you will help with apartment and job searches during his visits. You had a child, but the job that comes with it is seeing them to adulthood. He is years past the due date on that. Remaining a softy is cruel because it keeps him a child and dependent on you.
denise_xo Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Hi I have a 21 year old son who I would really like to get to move out. I don't want to KICK him out, although it may come to that. He smokes in the house despite my pleadings, warnings and fines. He is disrespectful towards everyone, doesn't help out, pays his rent when he feels like it, and is basically a leech who doesn't contribute anything and just takes what he feels like when he feels like it from everyone else. He lies and steals from us - we have to literally lock up things like pop and food. I think he may have some type of personality disorder, but he would never agree and has laughed at me when I have suggested he see someone. Or else he has a drug problem, although I haven't found any evidence of such. I have told him I want him out. I am increasing his rent January 1. I haven't given him an ultimatum because frankly I don't know if I could stick to it. I don't think I could actually bring myself to kick him out in the cold. He is still my kid and I love him. And if he is mentally ill that just seems cruel. What would you do? Would you actually kick him right out? Change the locks and everything? My other two kids hate him, and I am really getting to the point where I can't stand him either. My husband and he have not gotten along for years and my husband has never really had any part in raising him. No convincing needed. Just show him the door, and yes change those locks.
ihateusernames Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Pack his bags. Place them on the front step. Change the locks. Leave a card on top saying you still love him, and when he grows up a bit he is welcome home for dinner one night. p.s. take care of yourself too
pookster72 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 jeez im 23 and when i got a job after college near where my parents live they WANTED me to move back with them.
Stung Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Wow, I sure hope that if I'm lucky enough to become a father one day that I won't treat my children the way some people in this thread are suggesting you should. I am 21 years old. Some people my age have 'respect for authority' problems. It starts when we are about 18 and continues for years. I have treated my parents very poorly in the past, and the reason was that at the time I had no respect for them. That changes over time though and eventually we actually learn to have a social responsibility towards our household. Maybe you should nurture THAT out of him instead of "kicking him to the street and changing the locks"... I mean, listen to yourself, and the people in this thread. That's your baby who you nurtured and raised. And now you want to kick him out cos he has an attitude problem? If my parents did that to me, I would have been homeless at 18 and God-knows-where now. Thankfully though, they are a little more persistent and patient then some of the people in this thread and now I am more independent and I have a good relationship with my parents- something you absolutely will sacrifice if you kick your child out. Parents love and nurture their children, but this young man IS a man. An adult. Adult children still have their parents' love, but they cannot continue to suck the life out of them indefinitely due to their own stunted development, they have to learn to stand on their own feet. Coddling their bad behavior is not doing them any favors, it is enabling them. I have seen the results of such enabling on my sisters-in-law and it is pitiful indeed, it's done real damage to their core character and their ability to take care of themselves and their own children. Honestly, I might have agreed with you when I was twenty, self-absorbed, and having 'problems with authority' myself, but I have grown since then. OP, I wouldn't kick him out and change the locks first thing, but it would remain an option, and I would let him know that. If I was actually concerned about a mental illness, I would certainly have him evaluated first to see if he needed help. But I would also go ahead and issue some very calm, very clear ultimatums. It is certainly reasonable to expect a certain level of respect from everyone living in your household, and to enforce boundaries to maintain your own mental health and the health and harmony of both your other children and your marriage.
DaisyLeigh Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Parents love and nurture their children, but this young man IS a man. An adult. Adult children still have their parents' love, but they cannot continue to suck the life out of them indefinitely due to their own stunted development, they have to learn to stand on their own feet. Coddling their bad behavior is not doing them any favors, it is enabling them. I have seen the results of such enabling on my sisters-in-law and it is pitiful indeed, it's done real damage to their core character and their ability to take care of themselves and their own children. Honestly, I might have agreed with you when I was twenty, self-absorbed, and having 'problems with authority' myself, but I have grown since then. OP, I wouldn't kick him out and change the locks first thing, but it would remain an option, and I would let him know that. If I was actually concerned about a mental illness, I would certainly have him evaluated first to see if he needed help. But I would also go ahead and issue some very calm, very clear ultimatums. It is certainly reasonable to expect a certain level of respect from everyone living in your household, and to enforce boundaries to maintain your own mental health and the health and harmony of both your other children and your marriage. Thank you. Unlike the guy in the post you quoted, I was on my own at 18, paying my own way, working...not disrespecting my mom or expecting my parents to kiss my ass. I think that kids are babies way too long these days.
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