pandagirl Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 (edited) Sigh. Before my last relationship, I was casually dating, but nothing serious. My ex was the first person I let myself be really vulnerable with. I have a problem with trusting people, which is why my relationship experience is limited at the age of 32. I know I can love people a lot, but I have a problem receiving love from others, so I just wall myself off. The truth is, I have been feeling kind of lonely lately, and I do want to intimately share my life with someone, but at the same time, I can feel myself closing myself off to that possibility. It's not because I'm afraid of getting hurt (although that is part of it, of course), but it's almost like it's too exhausting for me to get emotionally close to someone. I don't want to trust someone, or feel vulnerable or unsafe. I know all the right answers, but I was single for a LONG time (abstinent for almost three years) after I contracted HSV. I just was so scared and needed to heal from the emotionally abusive relationship I was in. I came out of the situation stronger, but I don't want to "heal" for another three years after this relationship. I just feel myself doing the same thing, retracting and retracting as a form of self-preservation... How can I avoid this? How can I change my inherent habits and inclinations? Edited December 6, 2010 by pandagirl
Surrealist Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Contrary to popular opinion, I don't necessarily see learning independence and autonomy a bad thing, even if it means retracting as a form of self-preservation. If you have a look at the breaking up and coping sections, you will notice that people who have not learnt the skill of independence and who are suddenly faced with a break up, are devastated people. It's saddening to read these accounts. Learning autonomy and independence puts you in total control of your life. You'll find yourself not needing anyone, even though the desire may still lbe there, you will be on a firm grounding in your own and have stability in life to pursue other life goals more passionately and aggressively.
Author pandagirl Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Contrary to popular opinion, I don't necessarily see learning independence and autonomy a bad thing, even if it means retracting as a form of self-preservation. If you have a look at the breaking up and coping sections, you will notice that people who have not learnt the skill of independence and who are suddenly faced with a break up, are devastated people. It's saddening to read these accounts. Learning autonomy and independence puts you in total control of your life. You'll find yourself not needing anyone, even though the desire may still lbe there, you will be on a firm grounding in your own and have stability in life to pursue other life goals more passionately and aggressively. I was devastated, and I'm still sad, but I know I will be fine! I guess you're right -- I just want to be autonomous, to just focus on myself, and not deal with the emotional aspects of a relationship. But for me, that is a slippery slope into sisterhood! I get so used to it, that I just won't consider the option of dating, even if I'm lonely and want someone.
Surrealist Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I was devastated, and I'm still sad, but I know I will be fine! I guess you're right -- I just want to be autonomous, to just focus on myself, and not deal with the emotional aspects of a relationship. But for me, that is a slippery slope into sisterhood! I get so used to it, that I just won't consider the option of dating, even if I'm lonely and want someone. Yeah I can see that too, kind of like, well I speak for myself, that the desire to be independent and do what I like outweighs my desire to date or go through the emotional up and downs of dating and so on. But it still provides a time for personal development in other areas of life, be that career wise, physical or emotional or any other life goals. This time certainly doesn't have to be wasted as though being without a partner is lost time, but time used to grow and develop.
VertexSquared Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Wait PG I must be missing something -- whatever happened with the architect guy?
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