ldlover Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Hi everyone! I am a new poster to this forum but have been reading threads in search of advice for a few weeks. I'm dealing with a very difficult situation right now and could use some support and advice. My thanks to anyone who takes the time to read and respond to my queries. Here is my story: I will try to make this brief but there are many details I feel are significant to our situation. I have been dating a terrific girl for the past year and a half. We met through work, when she was hired on in another department. We hit it off immediately falling hard and fast, and as time went on, wound up living together. It hurts me to say that it just sort of happened but she was staying over more and more to the point where we made it official. She was living at home with her parents and much younger brother until another family member returned unexpectedly, creating competition within the home. I had my own apartment and was accepted into a postgraduate program at the university in our town. She was taking a break from her studies and decided to stay in the same town so we could date and attended my university for one semester. In the year following that semester, we became quite serious (I gave her a promise ring, she was ecstatic) and she quit work/school while we began to formulate plans to move to another city. I completed my program and we talked about options, with the expectation of moving elsewhere together. I sensed that her heart was not in these plans but as the lease was running out we made a last minute decision to move back to my family home to save money before making another move. This was not what she wanted and we discussed her staying behind the night before we left but she insisted she would try it and everything would work out. After a week and a half, she told me she hated it here and needed space to figure out some things. In particular, she was having a hard time figuring out where and what she wants to study, in anticipation of changing her degree path. She said that she doesn't want the same things that she used to and that living with me complicates the process. She wants space to do her own thing without having to let me know what is going on at any given moment. We had been sharing my vehicle and working hard to coordinate my work/school with her daily plans. "Planning" quickly became an issue for us, as I needed consistency and structure for very practical reasons but she wanted to be spontaneous and had no work or school commitments keeping her from being so. In any case, we are now living apart, each with our parents and she has found work after nearly a year off. I am currently working in my field of study. We are talking every day and seeing each other every weekend. We still love each other very much and we express it through various mediums; physically, the internet, letters and the phone. We are still exclusive and neither of us wishes to date anyone else. The problem is that I am finding this time apart to be absolutely agonizing. I miss her terribly and do my best to keep myself busy. It seems as if this time apart is much easier for her than it is for me. I suppose it was her decision and while I was not necessarily happy with it, I supported her and facilitated her return home. It has always been difficult to discuss the relationship with her although while she freely expresses her love, she prefers to avoid any of the tough discussions. I feel like if I keep telling her how I am feeling that I will push her away. She doesn't seem to miss me as I do her but she is kept really busy at home and probably has less time to think about it. We do not have a timeline or any particular goal in mind for the relationship right now. She wants to go back to school out of state and said that she may not want me to come with her but still wants to have a serious committed relationship with me during that time. I am having a very difficult time imagining a LDR until next fall, let alone a couple of additional years while she completes studies. She told me that this is not a process to let me down easy and she actually needs the time to figure out how we will take shape in her new plans. I genuinely believe her but am left in this situation; I feel a bit like I am being strung along and would like more commitment from her. Does anyone have a comment? Cheers.
AndrewJDC Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Tough break, reading between the lines it looks as though she is gently easing away from you to avoid the pain of a sudden break. Have a go at the relationship if you think you can handle it, whatever happens at least you will have tried. Unfortunately not all relationships are forever, indeed most aren't. Ps if it was me I would leave her, you have tried everything to make it work yet she still pulls away, you deserve better than that!
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Yeah, this one is doomed. Tell her that there's too much going on in your lives right now, and you're not okay with an LDR, so it's best to just break up now. She says she's not just easing you down, but she is, and it's not because she doesn't want to hurt you, it's because she doesn't want to be hurt herself. At this point, she is stringing you along, cut her loose and see if she comes back to you.
Author ldlover Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 First, I want to thank the two of you for your responses. I think it is really important in a relationship to communicate and since we have been struggling with this, it's nice to have some outside input into the situation. I also wanted to clarify some details. We have been apart now for about 6 weeks. We are around 100 miles apart, not that far at all. In that time we have been sharing the travel about 60/40 (I'm doing a bit more) and I am okay with it. I have the resources to pick up and go on a moments notice and she does not. We both have significant amounts of "stuff" at each others places, including really critical items. You may be right about the easing out situation. I hadn't really considered that it could be more for her than it is for me. She has told me that she feels safe knowing that I love her so much and maybe this is part of the problem. One night a couple of weeks ago we didn't get to talk at night unexpectedly and she sent multiple emails and couldn't sleep. Not at the prospect of me cheating but from the unknown factor. She keeps busy enough at home (much younger sibling) that I don't think she has much time to actually miss me. The other thing I am wrestling with right now are holiday plans. Last year I gave up the last real family Christmas I will ever have to be with her (my Mom has fallen very ill and now lives in a full time care facility) with the expectation that she would come here this year. When I brought it up, she wanted time to think about it and hasn't yet informed her parents of the change. From what she did say, I felt that whatever visit we do have will be at her convenience despite her words, which indicated that she didn't want me to travel anymore than necessary. I also realize that her new job will mean little or no time off, while mine affords me two weeks. This is disheartening in light of the sacrifice that I made last year. I really want to work it out, she is definitely worth it. I'm also fairly certain that she is not ready to consider me in such important matters as her future/education (even though we sometimes openly discuss marriage). They are important matters, there is no doubt about it, but of course I want to be part of those plans. I just don't know what else to do; she avoids talking about the situation and I am literally avoiding any kind of permanent commitment in my life in hopes we will be together again soon. I have told her that I would go anywhere and do anything. I currently hold a casual position in my field of study in order to keep the flexibility I need to see her. I am lonely, have few friends left in my home town and probably would not have come back here if I had known she was going to leave. I could have stayed at my old job and found a cheap place to live; I would have gladly been miserable at work to be close to her. I love her so much and I want to be with her but the time apart can be utterly miserable sometimes.
Author ldlover Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 Any other comments? I could really use some insight into the situation.
O'Malley Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Space isn't what you ask for when you're content and want to plan on how someone will fit into your life. It's requested when you're aware that the relationship is something that you no longer want. She's in the process of moving on, but is deliberately being vague about her own feelings because she still wants to retain some elements of the connection you shared. It's understandable but unfair to you. Staying in contact with her is just reinvesting in the same situation that you have now. You're no longer obligated to each other, and it's a mistake to put your life on hold in hopes that she will change her mind. You definitely need to establish boundaries here, at least for your sake -- you still have feelings for her, but that it's best if you move on until such a time that she would want to be in a relationship with you again. Then stop contacting her and don't respond to her contacts. No compromises on being together in the future or being together now without a commitment. And then as painful as it may be, turn the focus back onto your life: finding a better job, moving to another city.
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