Turning Leaf Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 (edited) Hi all, I'm new to the forums and this is my first post. I need some help with some of the feelings I'm having at the moment. My partner and I just ended a relationship that lasted 17 years. I am 47 and he is 44. We did alot together in those 17 years. We had dreams and we followed them, but it seems our paths in life have grown apart. As much as this tears me apart, I know deep down, we are not meant to be together, anymore. He became distant from me, shutting me out, and became self-consumed. I thought it might be a mid-life crisis and just tried to work with it. However, I couldn't bear it any longer and said to him "After 17 years, you owe me the right to communicate with me what is going on" He told me he had thoughts of other relationships, and didn't want to break our commitment and just didn't know how to deal with it. I told him that I respected him for communicating how he felt about things. We try to remain civil as best we can. Here is what I need help with. We currently own a home together and everything is shared. Over the last week we separated our finances. I was taking care of all the finances, paying the bills, etc. out of our joint account. He now has his own checking account and credit card. We are still living in the house together. We agreed that if I were to leave, (because he wants to continue to live there) that he would have to find a roommate to help pay the bills to maintain the house. Do you think this is good sitiutation? I need time to think about how I'm going to move on in my life and right now, I think moving is too much of a change for me to handle. He started dating other men, quickly after our talk. This has been very difficult for me to accept, but I'm working with it. At this point for me, I feel that I don't want to enter a relationship, at least for sometime. Can anyone give me any helpful tips about how I should proceed. I feel lost and confused. I am seeking the help of a counselor, through my insurance. I just feel sad and lonely, because my dream of growing old with him is now shattered, and I don't know what to do. Edited December 6, 2010 by Turning Leaf
GorillaTheater Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Have you discussed him buying out your interests in the house? That's the route I'd pursue in your shoes. It's a cleaner break, even with the logistical difficulties in obtaining a loan. I'm sorry.
TaraMaiden Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I applaud that you are clearly separating the practical and financial issues form the emotional ones. I feel - on a practical level - that if it is your wish and the more practical option, that you DO move out. He would have to pay you half the value of the property as it stands. Can he afford to re-mortgage and pay you the half you legally are entitled to? To remain under the same roof, while he begins to date others, will simply be pouring salt into the wound, and will hurt you emotionally. This would cloud your judgement.... All I can say to you, in any form of well-intentioned comfort, is that everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. When - and how - things end, is an unknown, but to release and accept the passing of something, and to know that if this is the way it is, then it's the way it is, is actually very healthy and balancing. It's the hardest lesson to practise though, detachment.... keep your head on straight, and your heart safe. I wish you well.
Author Turning Leaf Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Have you discussed him buying out your interests in the house? That's the route I'd pursue in your shoes. It's a cleaner break, even with the logistical difficulties in obtaining a loan. I'm sorry. Well, he wants to keep the house, but would take a loan I suppose if he must and find a roommate. I don't have anywhere to go at the moment.
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