why did he do this to me?

[Bonie]

Here is my story..... We were each other first loves and he always said he loved me and he could not live without me. He was always the one making plans for the future and I was never the one to initiate this sort of conversation. He was the first one to say the L word. Basically he was obsessed by me and sometimes I would feel like I need some space to breath but I loved him and liked spening time with him, so I did not think it was a problem. We had fights extremely rarely if ever and got along really well and even though I have to say our realtionship did become a bit boring and predictable...I thought it was normal thing for most couples after so many years together. My friend who is with her bf for 6 yrs told me the same thing about her relationship but they are still together ...so i think it is normal when u are with the same person for so long....I did not think of this as a big deal and he never discussed it with me. He did not have many friends unlike me and would always spend his entire time with me. I would always encorage him to go out with his collegues from university, so this would give us a chance to miss each other. Since I had many friends I would go out often with them but he would get jelous. He was a bit clingy. However, I thought he was a very sweet and nice guy and that is what made me fall in love with him. He would always bring me flowers for special occasions and he was really thoughful. During our relationship, I was very supportive and always treated him well. I was always there for him when he needed me. I have been told that I am a very good person and probably this is my problem......i should have been a bitch instead.....As I said he was the loner type and I think he was too dependent on me for his happiness. I was always the person to invite him to events with my friends since he did not had any.

 

During the summer of our final year together I got sick. I became very depressed because my health problem was going on for long time and was going to different doctors and they could not figure out the root of my symptoms. He wanted me and him to go on a trip with my friends for a week but since I was so sick I told him I could not. He seemed very dissapointed. I asked him what was wrong and he did no tell me anything.

Later,my ex bf wanted to go on vacation by himself instead of being there for me in this very difficult time for me. I was shocked and I noticed during the last 3 weeks together he became a bit distant and cold.But he still would call every day and say that he loves me.

 

I was sooo stressed about my health problems and even cried in front of him and thought that maybe i should go to another country to speed up the process with the doctors. I was so down and felt hopeless. A week later he sent me an email( an email after 3 yrs together?????? what a coward) out of the blue that he does not feeel the same way about me, that the spark is gone and even though there is amazing chemistry between us, he does not think we are "exactly a perfect match", that we are soo different and think differently on so many issuses. He concludes that even though we have an amazing chemistry, he does not think i am the special one for him and he does not see himself spending the rest of his life with me.....And he was the one to plan the future for us, not me?????? How come he never said he thought we were different before. It was a complete shock for me......After everything I have done for him, he stabbed me in the back when I needed him the most in my life, when I was sick and depressed. I think the real reason was that I was not "fun" for him anymore since was sick. He hurt me so much.

 

I cannt believe that the person who "loved me " so much and would do anything for me did this to me when I was in the wort point in my life. It hurt so much. completely freaked out, I broke everything he gave me. Besides, sending him one email I have not talked to him since. I deleted him out of my life. He was not the sweet person I thought he was. He was a coward, a backstabber....He would phone me on a few occasions but never replied to any of his attempts. Ater 3 months he left me a voicemail that he could not forget about us and all the good memories that we shared. It has been alsmot a year and a few days ago I got a msg from him that he wants to give me something i drew for him a long time ago since it holds santimental value for me. I ignored that as well. Then he sends me a msg on facebook and asks if i want to meet up with him to give it to me.... Really after 1 year???? I just said to keep it for himself.

Now I saw I have a missed call from him. I have said to myself that I will never want to see him again after all the hurt he cause me.....WHY DO U THINK HE IS TRYING TO CONTACT ME STILL SO MANY TIMES EVEN THOUGH I INGORE HIM??? Does he think he made a mistake and the grass is not greener on the other side???

 

I am very attractive and intelligent girl and get a lot of atention from men.I tried dating other men but there is a wall. I cannot let them close to me. I cannot trust anyone. I cannot develop feelings for everyone. I feel so emotionally damaged from this man ;(((. I am scared to get in anything long term because I am scared the next person will do the same thing to me.

[silic0ntoad]

I've been in similar situations, and learned only this:

 

Ever are the distrusting treacherous. If they don't trust you, or get jealous, it's because in themselves they know they will betray you, and fear you doing it to them before the time is ripe.

 

Forget this fool. You deserve a man, not a boy. A man doesn't lie, cheat or betray. A man is not cowardly, clingy or obsessive.

 

I'd suggest therapy. It's helping me after similar circuimstances had led me into a spiral of depression and self loathing.

[Zansatsu]

So many red flags!

 

...he could not live without me.

He was always the one making plans for the future and I was never the one to initiate this sort of conversation.

He was the first one to say the L word.

Basically he was obsessed by me and sometimes I would feel like I need some space to breath but I loved him and liked spening time with him, so I did not think it was a problem.

We had fights extremely rarely if ever and got along really well...

...he never discussed it with me.

He did not have many friends

would always spend his entire time with me.

Since I had many friends I would go out often with them but he would get jelous.

He was a bit clingy.

I thought he was a very sweet and nice guy

he was the loner type

he was too dependent on me for his happiness.

I was always the person to invite him to events with my friends since he did not had any.

...I was so sick I told him I could not. He seemed very dissapointed. I asked him what was wrong and he did no tell me anything.

my ex bf wanted to go on vacation by himself instead of being there for me in this very difficult time for me.

I was shocked and I noticed during the last 3 weeks together he became a bit distant and cold.

But he still would call every day and say that he loves me.

I was sooo stressed about my health problems... he does not think i am the special one for him and he does not see himself spending the rest of his life with me.....

he was the one to plan the future for us

he never said he thought we were different before.

he stabbed me in the back when I needed him the most in my life, when I was sick and depressed.

I was not "fun" for him anymore since was sick. He hurt me so much.

 

First let me say that I'm very sorry that you have experienced such a slap in the face during such an excruciating time in your life. I find it extremely difficult to respond objectively so I'm going to have to berate him.

 

Disclaimer: Please understand that everything I'm about to say is my opinion. I am not a mental health professional, and I'm not attempting to diagnose anyone.

 

First of all, he sounds like an immature and selfish child who was in love with the ideal of being in love. When it came time to show his true colors of devotion, he revealed that on the inside he was a soulless and callous person who did not care about your needs. The clingy and suffocating nature of his relationship with you points to his lack of self-esteem and it sounds like he was using you to get his fill of power. Once you became sick, it became a chore for him and his pattern of codependency was interrupted. He broke it off with you as a power-play, probably hoping that you would comply with his wishes, and that backfired. Now that he has had time to think about it, he wants his "power fix" back and it sounds like he wants to use you again.

 

I'm just guessing, but it sounds like he may have come from a dysfunctional and/or broken home. Unfortunately, upbringing has a lot to do with manipulation, low self-esteem, and feelings of powerlessness. He probably put himself down regularly and would 'fish' for your disagreement, looking for an uplifting fix. He would insight you to make him feel better about himself, but he would always fall back into the same pattern. The fact that he was jealous of all that you did shows that he didn't feel himself of value enough for you to want to come back to him. He did not believe that you would come back to him and mistrusted you because he had a poor self-image. He sounds passive-aggressive and narcissistic.

 

Berating and finger pointing aside: this is very much the stalker type and you are VERY wise to avoid him. He could become dangerous if you respond to him at all. No contact is the wisest choice and you've done very well being angry and keeping your distance. He doesn't realize what he is and unless he seeks help, he will only get worse. Don't talk to him, don't respond to him, and if it becomes necessary, get a restraining order, change your number, and get a gun. Not to scare you, but forewarned, is fore-armed.

 

Again, I'm very sorry you have had to suffer through this. And you have every right to feel the way you do. It's hard to open back up after your heart has been shattered. Grieve in your own way, and take your time before dating again. Give yourself time to heal. Your heart will let you know when you are ready to venture into another relationship. And remember: you are responsible for no one's happiness but your own. Anyone who tells you different should be kicked out of your life faster than they can blink. You are a strong person and you've made the right decision staying away from him. Let him eat your silence.

 

Hang in there and be strong. Don't let him torture, because that is what he is trying to do.

[cerridwen]

Hi Bonie,

 

I've read a couple of stories like yours I'm sad to say.

 

It's the height of selfishness to leave someone when he or she is ill. I don't think a person can get much lower.

 

Someone else (on another thread) posted that your ex was turned off by your neediness.

Ridiculous.

I hope you discarded that suggestion.

People will project their own issues onto other people's posts/situation then respond with outrageousness.

Nothing in your story suggested you were asking for more than what any sick person would want from their partner--support.

That he chose NOT to be there is testimony to his character.

 

I have no idea why he's contacting you but the odds are he's slinking back, perhaps wanting to re-enter your life now that he won't be asked to be a support system for you. Some people are just THAT selfish and fair-weather.

Brava to you for wiping your life clean of him.

 

May I suggest not allowing him more influence over your life? Don't let him rob you of the chance to have great times with great men? Men of REAL character? Yes, it takes some bravery not to close all guys off but the reward is two fold: You get your revenge by having a fabulous life and...well, you have a fabulous life!!

[Bonie]

Zanatsu. I think u analyzed him as a person very well. I also think he suffered from low self esteem and he often acted in a manipulative way . I do not think he would become dangerous though. He has tried to contact me several times but not to an extent that would make me worried. I was just puzzled what his motivation was...whether he wanted to get back with me or he realized he made a mistake and threw away something good for no good reason. I think he was doubting the relationshiop ...maybe he thought the grass was greener on the other side since i was his first girlfriend and he never dated anyone before me. He was 21 when we started dating and now he is 25 yrs old. It is sooo difficult for me to move on though since he was such a sweet person and there was something about him that made me fall in love. He was very thoughtful and caring...but now i know it was all fake and he showed his true colours. I still him tons but i know i should forget about him because i cant never forgive the way he acted in the end of our relationship and the fact he did not even have the guts to face me but sent me an email, a cold cold email. He did not fight for the relationship, he did not work on it, he just gave up and decided he did just not feel the same way about it........I think this wound will never heal. I have never ever been so hurt in my life (.

[Zansatsu]

I know it's impossible to believe right now, but you will heal. I've been through the something very similar. And instead of copying my post verbatim... this is the best way to describe what it was like...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2847536&postcount=2

 

Therapy, crying, and a good friend always helps. Finding things that you love doing to fill your time helps. Keep your head up! I know it really sucks right now, but you are much better off without him. He has screwed with your head and you are still recovering from it. Think of manipulation like brainwashing... it's not too far off!

[Bonie]

 

Brava to you for wiping your life clean of him.

May I suggest not allowing him more influence over your life? Don't let him rob you of the chance to have great times with great men? Men of REAL character? Yes, it takes some bravery not to close all guys off but the reward is two fold: You get your revenge by having a fabulous life and...well, you have a fabulous life!!

 

 

This is the hard part. I still think some part of me still loves him even thought now I realize what kind of preson he is-coward, egoistic, self centered man. I think of him every single day and it is horrible. It feelis like a part of me is gone....there is some void i feel....but not sure how to explain in. But till this day i am still absolutely shocked of how cowardy he acted and i hate him and feel sooo much anger for him. But I also miss the old him...the person i thought he was.....I just hope one day he will realize what big mistake he made and how he threw away 3 yrs in the garbage . I' m hope he is already realzing this.....