Author weeble78 Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Yep I can totally see how this fits in. The crux of the matter is that the not eating, not sleeping, occasional outbursts of crying - are hard for me to handle i.e. it is hard to keep pretending that everything is fine. I threw him a surprise birthday party weekend before last, and spent an hour talking to a couple who have just found out they're expecting a baby. That is so tough, that felt like hell. Last time I spoke to my BF I cried abotu the miscarriage. I'd said all I needed was a hug sometimes, and that's what he gave to me. I just wonder is there any way around this, or if the sensible thing is to up shop and leave. Obviously I hear what you're all saying. And I appreciate the candour and care with which you've said it. Can you hide your feelings to make your other half happy?
O'Malley Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 You just need to find someone who is willing and able to give you what you need. Your boyfriend is not that person - he is unwilling and incapable. While you and your boyfriend's needs don't need to be mutually exclusive, in this case they seem to be. I agree with this. I think your boyfriend is pulling away precisely because he feels suffocated (the term he used about his prior relationship). This is in no way placing the onus of responsibility on you, but for his own reasons he is unwilling to commit his time or support to you. This appears to be the pattern of his prior relationships. While you might lose your rental deposit, I think you have much more to lose if you move in with this man when you have valid concerns about his overall behavior. Besides the lack of communication, there is a lack of comprehension on his part; the miscarriage involved both of you, it's not just 'your' problem and it's not something you alone should have had to deal with (kudos to your friends for being there for you). It's a disturbing indication of how he will view and handle future difficult situations and conflict. Can he be trusted to step up to the plate and be supportive, or shoulder most of the difficulties, especially if/when you have children? What if there were financial difficulties, problems with your family, or worse, a medical condition? Decide what needs are important to you, and if you feel they are being met in this relationship.
pandagirl Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 First, you need to help yourself, by getting in to counseling and figuring out what's going on in your head. But I'm sure you know that already. At the same time, you do need the support of your boyfriend through this time, though he should not be made responsible for making you happy or solving your problems. It's all pretty common sense though, isn't it? A best friend is supposed to be there for you when your crying about being dumped, your parents were there for you when you got bullied in school, and your boyfriend/partner should also be there for you in the same way. It's not as if you're going to be this way forever. You're just going through a hard time right now, and it will pass. But a partner who can't handle that maybe isn't the best partner for you.
Author weeble78 Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 You know worrying about the future if we had children or problems or anything is valid - it's something I've thought about a lot since the miscarriage. I've been in that situation in my last relationship where I was off work for so long they put me on half pay, and I had to pay the mortgage and his bills as he was too unreliable to pay. This contributed to more stress and landed me in hospital. That was a terrifying time as I felt I couldn't tell friends or family for fear of upsetting them. Teh more I talk, the more I feel maybe in the very least a timeout might help. I have spent the last few weeks mainly with friends, and still he insists I am the love of his life and this has hurt him, that he is there for me etc etc. He doesn't see the irony texting me saying he is there for me though, as if he were there for me, he wouldn't need to text.. Maybe it owuld be worth losing the money and taking a break. Maybe it would be worth chancing losing him for good.
pandagirl Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 You know worrying about the future if we had children or problems or anything is valid - it's something I've thought about a lot since the miscarriage. I've been in that situation in my last relationship where I was off work for so long they put me on half pay, and I had to pay the mortgage and his bills as he was too unreliable to pay. This contributed to more stress and landed me in hospital. That was a terrifying time as I felt I couldn't tell friends or family for fear of upsetting them. Teh more I talk, the more I feel maybe in the very least a timeout might help. I have spent the last few weeks mainly with friends, and still he insists I am the love of his life and this has hurt him, that he is there for me etc etc. He doesn't see the irony texting me saying he is there for me though, as if he were there for me, he wouldn't need to text.. Maybe it owuld be worth losing the money and taking a break. Maybe it would be worth chancing losing him for good. Funny, my ex would insist how in love he was with me and all this other stuff when we were going through our "demise," but his actions never showed it. I know he believed what he was saying, but he just wasn't emotionally able to give me anything else.
Author weeble78 Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 See I know logically that you can't expect people to understand where you're coming from all the time, or at least be there for you (and I mean physically, not doing anything special), but because he hasn't been supportive or understood me, it's made me feel like this relationship is pointless. I see a relationship as a meeting of minds, that you understand each other so well and support each other. What's the point being with somebody who can't understand when you find things hard, or sympathise when things have gone wrong. Someone who knows when you need cheering up without having ot have a big discussion about it?
TurboGirl Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Weeble, some guys are totally clueless even though they are nice guys. Just are not wired the same way we are emotionally. Now your guy, in particular, sounds like he WANTS to be ready to commit, but he is not ready. Hence, the pulling back, being distant, spiteful, etc. These are warning signs, my dear, and when you see the pulling back & being distant crap start, it would be my advice to you to NOT move in with him. Please rethink this. I don't think he is for you, not now, anyway, and maybe not ever if he is 38 years old and playing these silly games. Not paying bills??? I see you are distraught about losing him... losing what? A guy who is not really there for you emotionally or responsible enough to take care of your housing needs, basic bills, etc. Put yourself about this, your basic needs comes first. If he can't take care of himself he certainly can't take care of you. Seriously.
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