About to move in with him - or break up

[weeble78]

Hey everyone

 

I've been toying with the idea of coming back and posting here, but haven't wanted to as it kind of means things aren't going great again

I posted this on the Marriage and Cohabitation board but no replies..

 

BF and I have been together 1 year and a few weeks. Moving in together in 2 weeks.

 

During this time we have had ups and downs. There have been issues over things like spitefulness (which I called him out on), him pulling away (to which I've had to become distant myself to pull him back), issues which I feel are over committment e.g. not committing to go away on holiday, freaking when my parents asked him to join in a family thing, freaking for 6 months over moving in together etc.

 

Basically I feel like I've been on a rollercoaster.

 

During this time I have been dealing with an ex who has been blackmailing me and my family, very stressful, finally dealt with last week. Also about 1.5 months ago I had a miscarriage. In short, my world has nearly come crashing down around me. My BF has all but disappeared from my life.

 

I have needed love and support at this time, which I have found in my friends. I feel like everything has fallen apart. I managed the miscarriage and blackmail, even doing all the househunting whilst going through it, with no help from BF. I got angry and fed up that he wasn't there for me, He apologised and said he'd done wrong, and that he'd be there for me. He bought me flowers and took me out for an expensive meal. That was it. He'd not answer telephone calls or texts saying his phone was broken (even though I know it's not) etc. In the end one day I walked out of work and broke down. I broke and called him crying asking for his support and to see him. He'd already arranged to see friends and was mad that I wanted to see him (said I was being demanding etc).

 

It all started when he asked me to move in with him and when I started organising finding a flat. I'm pretty relentless when it comes to stuff like that. He started pulling back. We found an amazing place and celebrated, just after I had the miscarriage. The miscarriage took it's toll on me and up until now I've been very strong, every time I think he's trying to get away with something I don't reply to him until he apologises. Essentially I try and ignore bad behaviour. This time I really needed him to be close to me, particularly at night - I complained we weren't spending enoguh time together. He pulled away.

 

I tried to start a conversation about this last week - as soon as I mentioned it he got ridiculously angry and walked off, refusing to see me that night. The day after was his birthday - I am ashamed to say I called him and asked to see him when I was supposed to leave him alone. We had a little chat but had agreed to meet Saturday night and have a deep chat about everything. Saturday night we went out for dinner, he just said he wants us to be happy, not arguing all the time. He said he wants us to stop walking out when we have an argument, and learn to deal with things. I said I want him to stop being so angry.

 

I feel like I haven't had my say but am scared to bring things up with him. We're seeing each other once a week at the moment. I texted him last night as this weekend was supposed to be the saver - he takes forever to reply - I said goodnight darling, lots of love all over - he replies well yes! have a great sleep!.

 

Anyway, I'm so sorry for rambling. I would really appreciate some input as I feel the last few months of my life have been the worst I've ever been through. AndI have been through it wihtout my boyfriend.

 

Please guys, give me some advice -and if there are any spare hugs or silly jokes out thereI would love to hear them.

 

Thanks xxx

[Seamless74]

sorry no silliness but moving in together really sounds like a terrible idea. Why are you even contemplating that?

[poorguy]

Believe me when I tell you moving in together isn't going to solve ANY of your problems at all...How old are both of you?

[weeble78]

I'm 33 and he's 38. Can anybody point out what our problems are? Sounds crazy, but I'm having a hard time objectifying whether it's my fault for being too emotional and dependent, or whether it's his fault for not loving me/not being invested in the relationship/freaking out or whatever..

[weeble78]

also these problems have mainly started since we agreed to move in together.

 

I asked him first 6 months ago. He freaked. I pulled away and got on with my life while still dating him. He started hinting about it again. After ages of me ignoring it, he finally asked me to move in with him.

 

Silly isn't it?

[poorguy]

38..That suprises me I tought you were going to say like 24. He sounds immature form what I've read Maybe that's just the way I've percieved it though?? Moving in together with all of these things in the air is going to make your life way more frustrating and complicated then it already has been.I have to think about this some more. Any other basic information you can provide?

[Seamless74]

Really sounds like your both kind of lost... I mean he could be an immature a-hole or whatever or youll have to forgive me here, But it sounds like you have ALOT of problems and he could be at his wits end of dealing with you if your constantly moody, crying, complaining about life telling sad stories feeling sorry for yourself or basically overall unhappy its just not gonna lead to a successful relationship

 

but the simple fact that your both thinking about moving in together really means only one of 2 things.

 

1.) Basically the only way you two will get away from each other is to play out the string in its entirety by taking a bad situation and making it intolerable because i gurantee if you move in together youll break up within 3 months and never speak to each other again (it will be that bad)... and maybe thats a good thing

 

 

2.) or your both just totally irrational people right now moving in together is really just dumb... you only see each other once a week and now you want to go 24-7 on what grounds did you base that decision?? Im serious at your age im curious as to how you convinced yourself to do this your motivations etc..

[Untouchable_Fire]

Anyway, I'm so sorry for rambling. I would really appreciate some input as I feel the last few months of my life have been the worst I've ever been through. AndI have been through it wihtout my boyfriend.

Please guys, give me some advice -and if there are any spare hugs or silly jokes out thereI would love to hear them.

Thanks xxx

 

wow... things have been bad for you recently. Don't worry I'm sure there is better stuff down the road. I think you will look back and see much of this stuff is really a blessing in disguise.

 

Just based on what you are saying... don't move in with him. Just because he occasionally seems contrite doesn't mean he is willing to be a good partner.

[weeble78]

I'll answer anything you ask me - thank you.

 

From what I can gather he had one important relationship in his life. With a girl who was independent and strong, until she moved to live with him in a place she didn't know. She got frustrated at being out of work and blamed things on him. He had an EA. She ended up having a PA and chucked him out the house. They split four years ago, he was still thinking about her when we first got together. The main thing he hated about her was she liked to have daily 'spiritual' chats, and he felt she blamed him for not having a group of friends here. He hated that she took over his group of friends, saying he felt very enclosed in the relationship.

 

The next relationship he had was with a girl who loved him but he didn't love her. The reason he stayed for a year was because he didn't want ot hurt her and just liked being with someone who never asked him for anything or expected anything.

 

He says he loves me because I don't take over his life, but that the relationship over the last few months has stressed him out and he has felt suffocated.

 

2 months before I met him I'd split with my ex of 7 years, who bullied me, left me alone when I was ill adn then cheated on me for 3 months before stealing money from me and laughing in my face. While I was still with him I got more ill from stress and lost 3 stone in weight, and was scared to be on my own in the house.

 

I love this man more than anyone but am terrified of moving in/marrying/having children with someone who will leave me to do everything. I want somebody to share my life and soul with again.

 

Anything else I can tell you just ask.

[weeble78]

Seamless74, before we agreed to move in, we spent 6 nights a week together, socialising or just having downtime. It seemed like common sense to us.

[ColumbiaD]

My advice is, don't move in together, it will not fix anything.

 

Honestly, it sounds as though you are not a match for each other, as he is not fulfilling your needs (emotional support, etc.) and is generally not at all acting like a boyfriend or partner, you are not meeting his needs (which appear to include independence), and neither of you is able to communicate in such a way that the other is able to be understanding and supportive in some kind of mutually agreed upon compromise.

 

It sounds like there is quite a bit of turmoil in the relationship, regardless of who's at fault.

[poorguy]

I'm sorry but this just sounds like a crappy relationship from start to stop. I mean maybe you guys just aren't each others types or something? Whatever you do do not move in together. Like a poster said before in 3 months it will be over if you do

[ColumbiaD]

 

He says he loves me because I don't take over his life, but that the relationship over the last few months has stressed him out and he has felt suffocated.

 

 

I love this man more than anyone but am terrified of moving in/marrying/having children with someone who will leave me to do everything. I want somebody to share my life and soul with again.

 

There's your problem. It sounds like you have a lot of drama and emotional turmoil in your life, and he doesn't want to deal with any of it - which in turn contributes to some of your emotional turmoil, though clearly not all.

 

It's not a healthy relationship, from what you've posted here.

[weeble78]

This is what I was afraid of - I'm scared it's my fault for being too emotional. I've tried giving him his space throughout the miscarriage, hence us only seeing each other one a week. I know he's independent and I usually am, but losing a baby and being told maybe it was just a bad period really got me down.

 

It's been a very difficult year because of dealing with selling my old house and blackmail of me and my family, but I tried shielding my BF from what was going on as I didn't feel it was his responsibility. I know I've been emotional, and I wish I'd dealt with it really well, but I dealt with it for a year and now the miscarriage happening has just crushed me - plus dealing with a disinterested BF.

[weeble78]

So have I ruined the relationship by being too clingy and needy and dependent, and too demanding or emotional?

[ColumbiaD]

We're not pointing fingers here. Your needs are different from your boyfriend's needs, and neither of you is able to fulfill the others' needs.

 

You just need to find someone who is willing and able to give you what you need. Your boyfriend is not that person - he is unwilling and incapable.

 

While you and your boyfriend's needs don't need to be mutually exclusive, in this case they seem to be.

 

This is what I was afraid of - I'm scared it's my fault for being too emotional. I've tried giving him his space throughout the miscarriage, hence us only seeing each other one a week. I know he's independent and I usually am, but losing a baby and being told maybe it was just a bad period really got me down.

 

It's been a very difficult year because of dealing with selling my old house and blackmail of me and my family, but I tried shielding my BF from what was going on as I didn't feel it was his responsibility. I know I've been emotional, and I wish I'd dealt with it really well, but I dealt with it for a year and now the miscarriage happening has just crushed me - plus dealing with a disinterested BF.

[pandagirl]

This kind of sounds like that point where my boyfriend and I broke up -- things just got too emotional and out of control and it reached a breaking point.

 

I wanted to work things out, but as displayed by his inability to properly communicate and him distancing himself, it was impossible.

 

I would recommend a "time out." Both of you need to calm down and let everything settle a little to decide what is best. I never think it's a good idea to make a big decision in an emotionally heightened state.

[ColumbiaD]

So have I ruined the relationship by being too clingy and needy and dependent, and too demanding or emotional?

 

To be more explicit, if that is possible: you appear to be dating the wrong person for you.

[weeble78]

This is so hard, we've talked about getting married next year and having children together. I've never met anybody I wanted this with before.

 

Also we put down money on the flat over a month ago, which we will lose if we don't move in.

 

God, how can we go from thinking the rest of my life is going to be heaven, to waking up dreading every day????

 

Why is there no cryey face?

[Seamless74]

So have I ruined the relationship by being too clingy and needy and dependent, and too demanding or emotional?

 

Any one of those emotional traits would be sufficient enough to end an already bad relationship. with the sum total of all no man would stay with that. And obviously if a previous suitor is participating in some type of blackmail situation you would probably do well to question your selection criteria??

 

Although they exist for everyone you must understand men as a whole dont like dealing with situations filled with problems, dont like hearing about them, dont like dealing with them, and can only be used as emotional sounding boards for so long..

[weeble78]

But this is what I said, I've kept him from hearing about all that and have never said a bad word about my ex to him. He's heard about some of the things he's done because I've needed help moving and had money problems I've needed to explain, but never once have I cried to him about it, asked his advice or told him too much about it. I would never use him as a sounding board, as I don't like people to do that to me. All I ever wanted was him to be here at night after the miscarriage. That's all I've asked and he didn't do it.

[weeble78]

As for the blackmail, I can't say why I ended up with somebody like that but he sure didn't display one characteristic the first couple of years I was with him. It was only until he learned I'd inherited money which I put into a house, that he started not paying bills and letting me deal with the bailiffs.

[pandagirl]

Any one of those emotional traits would be sufficient enough to end an already bad relationship. with the sum total of all no man would stay with that. And obviously if a previous suitor is participating in some type of blackmail situation you would probably do well to question your selection criteria??

 

Although they exist for everyone you must understand men as a whole dont like dealing with situations filled with problems, dont like hearing about them, dont like dealing with them, and can only be used as emotional sounding boards for so long..

 

I agree and disagree with this.

 

Yes, no one wants to deal with someone highly emotional and needy all the time, but she had reason to be like this -- she had a miscarriage!

 

And also, it seems like her emotional state was made worse by her boyfriend's non-supportive reaction and involvement in her situation.

 

Plus, in all relationships, there's going to be hard times. That's why they have those generic vows, like "for better or worse, richer or poor."

[weeble78]

Thank you Pandagirl - I am a very independent person and have never displayed an ounce of neediness nor asked him for anything before this. He has always told me this is what he loves about me. I have been unable to explain my emotional state of late, as I have never felt this way before and have found it strange to deal with.

 

When my boyfriend backed off, I sought solace in friends, my GP and a miscarriage association. But at the same time was heartbroken and angry that I shoudl need to look elsewhere.

 

I know nobody can fix you or make you happy, I have worked in psychology before for many years and have a degree in it - I'm not simple.

 

I agree this has been a whirlwind, and my background before meeting him would be a bit crazy for anyone to swallow. He was very supportive of the background with my ex, even helping me to empty the flat which I thought was amazing of him.

[pandagirl]

Thank you Pandagirl - I am a very independent person and have never displayed an ounce of neediness nor asked him for anything before this. He has always told me this is what he loves about me. I have been unable to explain my emotional state of late, as I have never felt this way before and have found it strange to deal with.

 

Do you see how this could possibly be fitting into your current circumstances?

 

He praised on on being independent. You were never needy of him, and told you that's what he loved about you. Now, that you need more from him, he suddenly withdraws.

 

Perhaps, he's just not capable of what you need.