Dedalus Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I will try to keep this fairly short, but no promises! I met a girl towards the end of my time at university, when I was 22. It was a one-night stand, but we ended up seeing more and more of each other and after a couple of months we were 'in a relationship'. At the time, I felt my life was somewhat in a state of flux. I think - although I didn't go to the doctor, so cannot be sure - that I had mild depression; I loved my friends at uni, loved my life, loved the course I was doing... and all that was about to change and I felt this constant heaviness in my heart at that prospect. Friends moved to different countries, I moved away, I started a job I didn't like very much. All this time, I stayed with this girl. We got on well, although - even then - I perhaps never really felt the passion, the love that I should have done. We moved in together after a few months. Me doing this job I wasn't that keen on, her working too. I started having doubts about the relationship: am I too young? is she the right one for me? where is my life going? what am I doing career-wise? why are none of my friends living with their partner? etc, etc. This translated into little arguments about stupid things, mostly started by me (and certainly I did little to prevent them). Now, I cared about this girl a huge amount, but there were times I felt so trapped I wanted to scream. One moment particularly stands out; we were watching a film in our apartment, it was a bit depressing and bleak and I had to hold back to stop myself running out of the room. As you can probably tell, this was my problem and not really to do with her. At this point I should say this girl is, I think, pretty damn amazing. She is beautiful, intelligent and caring and she loved me so much. She really put herself second in a way that doesn't happen much and which I didn't fully appreciate at the time. She was patient with my spells of feeling down, etc. But I started almost resenting her, as awful as that sounds. I would get impatient with her and preferred spending time with my friends. Then a hot girl started at work. Absolutely not suited to me at all, but smoking hot and full of flirtatious chat. We used to hang out a fair bit at work, but I never cheated on my gf. However, after almost three years I ended the relationship with my girlfriend and pretty soon started seeing this new girl, who said she wanted casual sex and that was it (fine by me). At first I felt relieved that I had finally taken the plunge and ended the relationship; that lasted about two weeks. Then I felt fear. What if I have done the wrong thing? This was crippling at times, really horrible emotional pain. The only thing that would stop it? Going to sleep with this new girl. I started spending more time with her, but have kept it a secret from everyone (including my ex). I am worried she is now falling for me, even though she said she didn't want a relationship and only wanted a casual fling. Recently though the doubts have been resurfacing - I started thinking about my ex every day. I have realised that this new girl and I have nothing in common, nothing to talk about, etc. I compare her with my ex and my ex seems so well suited to me. Then, a week ago, I saw my ex. She has been seeing some guy for a few weeks, but I think it's a rebound thing. Part of me wants to ask her to get back with me, but I am scared that I am still the same old guy and that I will just start having doubts again. I have met dozens of attractive girls since breaking up a few months ago. I am not interested in any of them. The only girl I keep thinking about regularly is my ex... Please tell me why I am so confused! What does love feel like, or will I just know it? I am 25 ffs... I want to love my ex and be happy settling down with her...
shocked_confused Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I'm in your girlfriend's position right now. We broke up a month ago and haven't talked in almost three weeks. I wouldn't want my ex to try to get back with me unless he was sure that he wouldn't do it again. Obviously you're not so sure and probably need a few more months to sort things out. I would just leave her alone because there's a good chance you could hurt her again... Do you still talk to your ex or are you in NC? And has she moved on yet?
achokshi Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Ok so I know exactly what you are going through. I cheated on my ex and I became exactly like you even after she forgave me. There's this black cloud when I'm with her and I just want to run away from her. It feels like the relationship is much different. I get excited at the prospect of beign with other women, and that lasted for maybe a month and then I started thinking about my ex all day. No girl even compares to her now even though I know they do, it's just so mind boggling. You have them and you want to run away, you run away, they linger in your mind and you can't escape them and you just can't win in this situation. I am going through that exact situation. unfortunately mine feels much more complex since she was my first everything, there was cheating involved, and the only way I can get better is to mature a bit, find myself, and experience other things before going back to her so I really do KNOW what is out there. I am in counseling. I believe there is some internal conflict that you will resolve sooner or later, but hopefully sooner for the sake of your relationship. My ex is everything I wanted in a person, but now I am starting to question it all. There is no simple answer to this question, and it is unfortunate that you can't see the future because it is scary knowing that you may not be with that girl again.
Graceful Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Hi, I wrote to you in your other thread, and can see you are still feeling pretty low. I am going to repeat some of my advice, b/c I stand by it. You need to work on your own issues. You cannot solve the issues that brought you to break up with your ex by getting back with her. Nothing has changed. Nothing has changed. Nothing. You have to believe me. The only thing that has changed is that you are in a lot of pain and want the pain to stop. But the worst thing you can do is get back with her, and besides that, she is dating someone and you need to respect that, even if he turns out to be a rebound. You felt very trapped in your r/l with this woman and I suspect there is something going on for you in the way of low self-esteem and your inability to be alone. You feed off of people to feel better about yourself, but with your ex, you almost resented her b/c it sounds like maybe you could not live up to what she wanted, needed and deserved from you. So you pushed her away b/c she was a threat to you, and she made you feel stressed b/c she represented a part of yourself that is not sure about himself. You speak highly of her, but I get the impression you felt you could not deliver and were not mature enough to give her a mature, full, loving relationship. You just wanted to "give" on a part time basis, if at all. But it does not work that way when you love someone, hon, you want to be there for that person all the time, and you don't bail on that person. There is nothing wrong with living with someone and feeling comfortable being in separate rooms listening to music, reading, or watching tv alone, you don't have to stick to someone like velcro. But it seems you and your GF did not have a workable living situation b/c you felt you had to fit into some sort of mold or template, and you could not be yourself. It sounds like you did not communicate with her much at all, you did not feel free to sit down with her and tell her how you were feeling, that you felt badly, or that you ever apologized for any of your abruptness. Why is that? You need to look at your issues. Is it low self-esteem? Is it that you are not ready for a really mature r/l? Are you afraid to be alone? You wrote: All this time, I stayed with this girl. We got on well, although - even then - I perhaps never really felt the passion, the love that I should have done. We moved in together after a few months. Me doing this job I wasn't that keen on, her working too. I started having doubts about the relationship: am I too young? is she the right one for me? where is my life going? what am I doing career-wise? why are none of my friends living with their partner? etc, etc. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- This really concerns me. It is as though you are admitting you just fell into this relationship, and none of it was by deliberate planning on either of your parts. You just moved in together as an extension of dating, and did not ever discuss what it really meant? And it sounds like if you are being brutally honest, you did not feel passionate love for her, despite her beauty and caring personality. It sounds to me like you have since decided that you want her b/c she LOVED YOU ... I am not so sure that you love her. I just do not get a good feeling about this at all. I don't want to overwhelm you, please think about what I've said here, know that I care and let me know what you think. You need to take a good long look INSIDE of yourself. That should be your first priority. I don't mean to harsh on you, please know that. Love, Grace
Author Dedalus Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 Hi, I wrote to you in your other thread, and can see you are still feeling pretty low. I am going to repeat some of my advice, b/c I stand by it. You need to work on your own issues. You cannot solve the issues that brought you to break up with your ex by getting back with her. Nothing has changed. Nothing has changed. Nothing. You have to believe me. The only thing that has changed is that you are in a lot of pain and want the pain to stop. But the worst thing you can do is get back with her, and besides that, she is dating someone and you need to respect that, even if he turns out to be a rebound. You felt very trapped in your r/l with this woman and I suspect there is something going on for you in the way of low self-esteem and your inability to be alone. You feed off of people to feel better about yourself, but with your ex, you almost resented her b/c it sounds like maybe you could not live up to what she wanted, needed and deserved from you. So you pushed her away b/c she was a threat to you, and she made you feel stressed b/c she represented a part of yourself that is not sure about himself. You speak highly of her, but I get the impression you felt you could not deliver and were not mature enough to give her a mature, full, loving relationship. You just wanted to "give" on a part time basis, if at all. But it does not work that way when you love someone, hon, you want to be there for that person all the time, and you don't bail on that person. There is nothing wrong with living with someone and feeling comfortable being in separate rooms listening to music, reading, or watching tv alone, you don't have to stick to someone like velcro. But it seems you and your GF did not have a workable living situation b/c you felt you had to fit into some sort of mold or template, and you could not be yourself. It sounds like you did not communicate with her much at all, you did not feel free to sit down with her and tell her how you were feeling, that you felt badly, or that you ever apologized for any of your abruptness. Why is that? You need to look at your issues. Is it low self-esteem? Is it that you are not ready for a really mature r/l? Are you afraid to be alone? You wrote: All this time, I stayed with this girl. We got on well, although - even then - I perhaps never really felt the passion, the love that I should have done. We moved in together after a few months. Me doing this job I wasn't that keen on, her working too. I started having doubts about the relationship: am I too young? is she the right one for me? where is my life going? what am I doing career-wise? why are none of my friends living with their partner? etc, etc. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- This really concerns me. It is as though you are admitting you just fell into this relationship, and none of it was by deliberate planning on either of your parts. You just moved in together as an extension of dating, and did not ever discuss what it really meant? And it sounds like if you are being brutally honest, you did not feel passionate love for her, despite her beauty and caring personality. It sounds to me like you have since decided that you want her b/c she LOVED YOU ... I am not so sure that you love her. I just do not get a good feeling about this at all. I don't want to overwhelm you, please think about what I've said here, know that I care and let me know what you think. You need to take a good long look INSIDE of yourself. That should be your first priority. I don't mean to harsh on you, please know that. Love, Grace Hi Grace, Feel free to say no, but I would really appreciate being able to chat on MSN or something (I don't think there's a private message function on this site). It's totally up to you, but you give very clear advice and there's so much I want to ask you basically! Will understand if you'd rather not...
homebrew Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 To me, you are young and still in the process of "figuring" it all out. I don't think you are at a place where you can have any sort of meaningful relationship. First, figure out who you are, what you want and where you want to go. That will take awhile... Don't rush it and quit trying to find it in the person that you date! Remember what Homebrew says... A "healthy" person is not defined by nor do they need or seek their validation or approval from someone of the opposite sex, a relationship, a job, money, looks, friends, family, health, material possessions or anything else for that matter. A “healthy” person can only be defined by and get their validation and approval from God and from within. It’s truly the only places where they can find it. It is impossible for "unhealthy" people to really love you, for you. What they are really in love with is any number of things that you or your relationship offered... It could be that you are a challenge, the excitement of being in a new relationship, the conquest, your looks, the sex, your family, your friends, your personality, your job, playing house, taking care of you, your drama, your problems, your kids, your lifestyle, etc. Something about you or the relationship serves their purpose of the "unhealthy"… but don't forget, it's NOT YOU that feeds their need to feel / be "whole". So if something "better" comes along that better meets that "unhealthy" need to feel / be "whole", say goodbye to what you once "had" (not that you ever really "had" it to begin with). Any of the stuff listed above can / could be taken away in a blink of an eye, like a car wreck or heart attack anyway. It all has to come from within! Once that happens, nothing can hold you down or only as long as you choose to allow it too.
homebrew Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 (edited) Hi Grace, Feel free to say no, but I would really appreciate being able to chat on MSN or something (I don't think there's a private message function on this site). It's totally up to you, but you give very clear advice and there's so much I want to ask you basically! Will understand if you'd rather not... Dude... Are you serious? Some advice for you... Watch the movie Gran Torino with Clint Eastwood! Let me help you out... Quote: Feel free to say no, but I would really appreciate being able to chat on MSN or something... My response: That goes without saying. Grace can say no... So need to tell her that! Quote: It's totally up to you, but you give very clear advice and there's so much I want to ask you basically! My response: Again... That goes without saying that it is totally up to Grace... So no need to tell her that, again! She also knows why you want to chat so no need to tell her what both of you already know. Quote: Will understand if you'd rather not... My response: Again... That goes without saying. If Grace would rather not... no need to tell her that, again for the third time. You are a man, so act like one! You are asking Grace to simply chat with you to better assist you with your breakup. That is something that is perfectly natural and normal. No need to give Grace THREE outs before you allow her the opportunity to give you her answer. No need to give Grace three outs from you getting what you want... which is advice from her. If this dialog is any sign of how you were with your EX... You have some homework to do before you are ready for her or any women for that matter. I am not busting your chops here... When I was in my early twenties... I was a girly man! I asked permission from the women I was dating if I could kiss them (for the first time). Me (In my early twenties): If you don't mind, I sure would love the opportunity to kiss you. I understand if you don't but I think it would we wonderful and I think you will like it too! So what do you think? Want to? You remind me of me... Makes my skin crawl and makes me want to go do something manly so I don't have to remember being that way! If I can overcome it, I know you will be able too also! I am off to go work on my car, drink a beer, watch a game or heading off to Home Depot to buy some power tools... anything that makes me forget the sissy I use to be! Before I go let me leave you all with this truth: A healthy person in a healthy relationship tells / states what they want and need... Once that is done, allow / give the other person the opportunity to meet those normal / healthy needs and desires. If the other person is unwilling or unable to do so for whatever reason, you will not be happy, you are not being true to yourself by staying, you will be wasting wasting your time and energy and will only find yourself being disappointed and hurt. Go find someone that will. there are plenty of people that would love the opportunity / chance to do so. Example: I want / need someone that is honest, faithful and true. Another Example: I want / need someone that wants to spend quality time with me. Someone that cares and wants to know who I am and how I feel. Another Example: I want / need someone who invest as much time, effort and energy into the relationship as I do. Another Example: I want / need someone that does not have inappropriate relationships with exes or people of the opposite sex. Get my drift? Edited December 14, 2010 by homebrew
Author Dedalus Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 Dude... Are you serious? Some advice for you... Watch the movie Gran Torino with Clint Eastwood! Let me help you out... Quote: Feel free to say no, but I would really appreciate being able to chat on MSN or something... My response: That goes without saying. Grace can say no... So need to tell her that! Quote: It's totally up to you, but you give very clear advice and there's so much I want to ask you basically! My response: Again... That goes without saying that it is totally up to Grace... So no need to tell her that, again! She also knows why you want to chat so no need to tell her what both of you already know. Quote: Will understand if you'd rather not... My response: Again... That goes without saying. If Grace would rather not... no need to tell her that, again for the third time. You are a man, so act like one! You are asking Grace to simply chat with you to better assist you with your breakup. That is something that is perfectly natural and normal. No need to give Grace THREE outs before you allow her the opportunity to give you her answer. No need to give Grace three outs from you getting what you want... which is advice from her. If this dialog is any sign of how you were with your EX... You have some homework to do before you are ready for her or any women for that matter. I am not busting your chops here... When I was in my early twenties... I was a girly man! I asked permission from the women I was dating if I could kiss them (for the first time). Me (In my early twenties): If you don't mind, I sure would love the opportunity to kiss you. I understand if you don't but I think it would we wonderful and I think you will like it too! So what do you think? Want to? You remind me of me... Makes my skin crawl and makes me want to go do something manly so I don't have to remember being that way! If I can overcome it, I know you will be able too also! I am off to go work on my car, drink a beer, watch a game or heading off to Home Depot to buy some power tools... anything that makes me forget the sissy I use to be! Before I go let me leave you all with this truth: A healthy person in a healthy relationship tells / states what they want and need... Once that is done, allow / give the other person the opportunity to meet those normal / healthy needs and desires. If the other person is unwilling or unable to do so for whatever reason, you will not be happy, you are not being true to yourself by staying, you will be wasting wasting your time and energy and will only find yourself being disappointed and hurt. Go find someone that will. there are plenty of people that would love the opportunity / chance to do so. Example: I want / need someone that is honest, faithful and true. Another Example: I want / need someone that wants to spend quality time with me. Someone that cares and wants to know who I am and how I feel. Another Example: I want / need someone who invest as much time, effort and energy into the relationship as I do. Another Example: I want / need someone that does not have inappropriate relationships with exes or people of the opposite sex. Get my drift? Haha, ok - I'll reply to your earlier (more helpful) post in a minute, but you've genuinely got me wrong and I feel the need to put the record straight. I gave Grace 'three outs' because I think I would be disinclined to chat online with some random person from the internet and I don't want her to feel like I am demanding it or even expecting it. (Grace, if you're reading: I really rate your advice highly and you seem to know what you're talking about. If you have the time / inclination I'd appreciate chatting online. If not, that's fine too.) Homebrew - no, I wasn't like that with my ex. And nor am I like that with the girl I'm seeing now (who is, frankly, incredibly unlikely ever to be attracted to a sissy - she's smoking hot and gets hit on pretty much daily by guys who are considerably richer / better looking / etc than me. But... well... she wants me. So I must be doing something right (and I've never, ever asked to kiss a girl - that bit actually made me lol.) If anything, with the ex, I think I was too much the 'male' stereotype; slightly shut-off emotionally, cold, etc. Anyway. Back on topic. I had a girl who was everything I wanted. And I threw her away. Now I think I am starting to regret it. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't have a list of 'examples' like you. Maybe that's what I needed... But now, when I think about what I want, I realise it's her (my ex) and it hurts. She's seeing someone. I want to tell her I want her back, but I don't know what she will say... Anyway, I'm just rambling again. Thanks for your post, but your concern that I am a girly-man... well, it's misplaced.
Graceful Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Hi Grace, Feel free to say no, but I would really appreciate being able to chat on MSN or something (I don't think there's a private message function on this site). It's totally up to you, but you give very clear advice and there's so much I want to ask you basically! Will understand if you'd rather not... Hi Dedalus, So sorry I have not been back here sooner. The server was down from last Friday until Tuesday, and when I finally got back on here, I saw your msg but didn't have a chance to respond. So want to apologize. I looked into the PM functionality here by looking at the Q&A, and got some false hope b/c there is a PM function, but they do not enable it until the member has been here for a certain amount of time and has posted a number of posts. This is b/c they don't want it abused and to avoid spamming, etc. So I do not have the functionality enabled as I do not meet the criteria, and you don't either. They also discourage exchanging any information for PM'ing elsewhere, b/c the only place we could exchange is here, where it would be seen publicly. So not secure. I honestly do not have an issue with it, we'd both still be anonymous, but I just don't think we could get set up b/c of the reasons above. Insofar as the way you asked me, I thought you were being very considerate and polite! Not a wimp at all!! I thought Homebrew was trying to be helpful, but was projecting his own issues onto you, and was WAY out of line, making something out of nothing. As I said, I felt you were asking me and did not want to put any pressure on me or make me feel bad if I felt it was not a good idea. I don't feel that way, I just don't know what the alternative can be. Now to ask (long winded!!), are you concerned that you would be identifiable if you posted more information on the public board, or did you just want the chance to have a more of a one on one conversation?? Either way, I am here for you. I am willing to continue our conversation here, it's up to you. I hope you are ok, and again, sorry for the delay, I felt so bad not getting back to you. W/B. Grace
Graceful Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 There is a chat room. I just spent some time in it. I think there is also private messaging even if there are others there. had a great discussion with a few nice people. http://tinychat.com/myrelationship I am pasting the url here. so maybe we can figure something out afterall.
Author Dedalus Posted December 16, 2010 Author Posted December 16, 2010 There is a chat room. I just spent some time in it. I think there is also private messaging even if there are others there. had a great discussion with a few nice people. http://tinychat.com/myrelationship I am pasting the url here. so maybe we can figure something out afterall. Hey Grace, I'm offline for the next day or so... but I'll be around after that. The chatroom idea's a good one, thanks!
Graceful Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Ok, sounds good. Return to your thread when you get back, and we can figure something out. Thanks for letting me know you'll be offline for a bit, but I'll check back for sure. Take care.
Author Dedalus Posted December 17, 2010 Author Posted December 17, 2010 Ok, sounds good. Return to your thread when you get back, and we can figure something out. Thanks for letting me know you'll be offline for a bit, but I'll check back for sure. Take care. Hey, am online again for a bit. It might be tricky co-inciding though!
Graceful Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Yeah, this might be tricky. I did see your msg but a lot later into the evening, so I checked the chat room, and didn't see you there. So not sure when we will meet up. How are you doing?? About the same?
Author Dedalus Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 How are you doing?? About the same? Pretty much. Actually feeling more and more like I should ring her, pour my heart out and tell her I made a huge mistake...
Graceful Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 No matter what you do, please tell yourself that contacting her is not an option. Just not an option. Please hold on. Remember that in a way, you are holding the ball, and you need to hang onto it, don't throw it in her court. You'll feel even more out of control. I don't really mean to make this sound like a "control" issue, in the classic sense, it's just that you really have to manage how you feel inside, and not put your feelings out there for her to account for; you need to account for them, and you still can't do that b/c you are still in so much pain. I think we are many hours apart in time zones (I am on EST). You're 5 hours ahead in the UK. Maybe we'll be able to chat on Sunday. I'll check back.
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