alex1960 Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Hi folks, As many of you know, I've gone through some very difficult times with my wife. You guys have been really great at reading and supporting me. THank you! A couple of months ago, I had dinner with a colleague who went through the same struggles with her husband. She was such a good listener and advisor that I ended up talking to her quite a bit. Last month, we both agreed that we were attracted to each other and that it would be inappropriate to continue our friendship as it would hurt our marriages. We said we'd both be careful moving forward and would keep things professional. My colleague seemed a bit nervous at first but then the last few weeks went by very normally and professionally. When she asked me whether I'd go for a drink after work, I was too weak to refuse. How do I get out of this now?
strength-abounds Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Honestly, grow a pair and tell her you are still married; or, ask the OW if your wife can tag along.
lovebitme Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 My friend, you're married. You made your vow in life and it's time to keep it.
GorillaTheater Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Generally speaking, I don't blame you for finding other women attractive and wanting to act on that attraction. Based on a previous post of yours, that your wife has been cheating on you throughout the marriage and was/is doing drugs behind your back, you probably feel gutted and just want some relief. The kind of relief that another woman can provide: that you're still attractive, that you still can be loved. I get that entirely. But here's the thing: you know (all too well) how it feels to have another man in your marriage. You know what you think about that guy/ those guys. And whatever it si that you think about him is probably spot-on. Don't be that guy. This other woman is married. Don't be a party to doing to her husband what your wife and these other men have done to you. You're better than that. And you too deserve better than your current situation. If reconciliation is your choice and goal, then more power to you and I wish you the best of luck. But for my part the divorce would have already been filed.
Author alex1960 Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Generally speaking, I don't blame you for finding other women attractive and wanting to act on that attraction. Based on a previous post of yours, that your wife has been cheating on you throughout the marriage and was/is doing drugs behind your back, you probably feel gutted and just want some relief. The kind of relief that another woman can provide: that you're still attractive, that you still can be loved. I get that entirely. But here's the thing: you know (all too well) how it feels to have another man in your marriage. You know what you think about that guy/ those guys. And whatever it si that you think about him is probably spot-on. Don't be that guy. This other woman is married. Don't be a party to doing to her husband what your wife and these other men have done to you. You're better than that. And you too deserve better than your current situation. If reconciliation is your choice and goal, then more power to you and I wish you the best of luck. But for my part the divorce would have already been filed. Thanks for your post. I guess I was wondering if cold turkey is the only way to get out of this? We work together and given my position leaving the company is not an option.
lovebitme Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Don't be that guy. This other woman is married. Don't be a party to doing to her husband what your wife and these other men have done to you. You're better than that. Pure poetry. OP that is the answer to your question. Seek no more.
GorillaTheater Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Thanks for your post. I guess I was wondering if cold turkey is the only way to get out of this? We work together and given my position leaving the company is not an option. Step one is cancelling drinks. Tell her the truth: that part of you would love to go out for drinks but that it's just not the right thing to do and won't be a positive force in either of your marriages. When the thoughts of her come, and they will for a while, don't try to "force" them out (you know, "I won't think about that, I won't think about that") because that almost never works. Instead, replace those thoughts with something else like your marriage and where you want it to go, what you need to get done that day, or, if you're a religious man, with prayer and scripture. Whatever works. It'll be tough for a while, but you can handle it. Treat her like a work colleague and, eventually, the mind will follow.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Thanks for your post. I guess I was wondering if cold turkey is the only way to get out of this? We work together and given my position leaving the company is not an option. Sorry, but if she helps you to have the strength to ditch your wife... Go For It. Just don't touch her! Got It? Your wife is Krap... complete Krap. Also... you need SOMEONE who can provide you emotional support. Why do you feel like your wife can do this, yet you can't? You have not taken it to the cheating level.... so I'd say walk the line... just don't fall over.
Author alex1960 Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Sorry, but if she helps you to have the strength to ditch your wife... Go For It. Just don't touch her! Got It? Your wife is Krap... complete Krap. Also... you need SOMEONE who can provide you emotional support. Why do you feel like your wife can do this, yet you can't? You have not taken it to the cheating level.... so I'd say walk the line... just don't fall over. Wow. My wife has had a relapse and I know she talked to the guy at least twice (I have a copy of the cell phone bill). I know she has been fighting hard but I don't know whether she is strong enough and now maybe I'm too weak to fight as well.
Bogo123 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Time for a divorce or some counseling. Your wife should be the go-to person for emotional support. Not a friend, and definitely not another female.
carhill Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 OP, the colleague is easy. Like you said, keep it professional. No socializing. Be honest, as you have been. Reinforce *your* boundaries. Suggest that she speak with her H and attend counseling, if personal topics ever come up again. You're not *into* anything yet. Pay attention to your family this holiday season. Time will go by. If you need professional help to deal with this, get it. Your wife isn't required. It's *your* issue.
anne1707 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 If you go for drinks with this woman then you are just as bad as your wife and you can no longer criticise her for her behaviour. Two wrongs do not make a right. If your marriage is over, end it with your head held high.
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