Back on the Market - Need Input

[Mellisa]

I'm doing the best I can. I haven't dated in 10 years and truly it felt genuine. I know everyone is rolling their eyes - I'm not saying it is genuine. I'm just saying that is how it felt. Obviously, moving forward I'm not going to have sex after 3 dates but it felt right at the time.

 

This whole entire thing is really confusing. I just feel really stupid right now. I'm 30 and haven't dated my entire adult life so I missed out on a lot of the normal things that people do in their early 20s that may seem really obvious to everyone else.

 

My exhusband was a cheater and a liar and when I started dating again I basically told myself to erase that from my mind and not carry that baggage around so I went in giving people the benefit of the doubt.

 

As far as the pressure, I basically didn't want to be played! I was not pressuring him for any sort of commitment whatsoever! I basically was giving him an "out" and being like listen, if you don't want to see me then fine, just tell me. I don't like games and don't like bull**** and I was confused. I felt that I had a right to ask.

 

I know I'm not doing everything right but I'm doing the best I can. I do feel really dumb right now. I'm an attractive person and have a lot to offer and I'm honestly really upset that someone took advantage of that. I realize everyone is going to say it is my fault and I get it - I know now I shouldnt have had sex after 3 dates. I just didn't realize that ALL men were this way. The connection really did feel genuine and to be honest, on dates 1-2 he talked about how he was looking for a relationship, etc - so it's not like he was like "oh, I dont know, I go on dates and just see what will happen". He made it seem like that is where his interest was - not just sex.

 

I just cried now - I can't really explain it. I started out dating thinking I was going to do everything "right" and meet a nice guy and he seemed like that. I would NEVER have had sex with him on the 3rd date if I thought that was all he was after - he definitely did not make it seem that way whatsoever. He was persuing me and it seemed real. I understand that I got attached quickly and again, I feel stupid. It just felt like we had a connection and it felt good to have that again with someone of the opposite sex. I'm really angry right now.

 

Date more men you'll know this.When a man wants to get out, he usually doesnt say"Hey,look,i'm getting out and please leave me alone".Instead you'll be able to sense that that they are pulling off and that's their way of telling you that and they suppose you should get it and stop bothering them.It can happen anywhere in the dating stage whether you've had sex or not.

 

It sounds in this case this man had leaded you on only to have sex and now he got what he wanted,he just didnt care anymore.Whatever you have in mind for you two,he doesnt want that.Obviously he cant and doesnt want to give you what you want.I would write him off from this point.Take it as a first lesson learned after getting back onto the dating field.It's a dangerous world out there. Next time you'll know how to watch out for yourself better.

[anned80]

So... this is over. Things just didn't seem right. I may have mentioned before that I was married. My ex-husband basically had a double life for 5 years (even more he asked me to marry him) - he had misstressees, saw prostitutes. NO ONE knew about it, including me. This was the main reason we got divorced.

 

When I started dating a I made a VERY huge effort to leave my baggage behind. I did not talk about my marriage, what went on, I didn't bring it up, etc. I have moved on emotionally from my husband but I'm still cautious about things. Once things with this guy I was dating started to sound "fishy" I decided to google him. I basically found a forum that he is part of - its supposed to be for music but it's essentially a bunch of guys talking about sports, women, dating, sex, etc.

 

On the forum he basically talks about the women he is sleeping with, and even mentions going out with me and if divorced women were "DTF". Obviously, I know guys talk about crap together that is sometimes vulgar. We were not exclusively dating BUT I had specfically asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else and he said "no". That became clear from the forum that was a complete LIE. He is sleeping with multiple people, he's a serial dater. He also told me he has only had sex with 14-17 people in his life - HA - maybe more like per year! I was just appauld and felt very disrespected and used.

 

It made me mad because he presented himself as if his goal in dating was to find a relationship. I just felt like he led me on.

Ironically, he actually texted me before I could say anything about it and said "I know this sucks, but I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I'm still not over my ex. I think you're cool as **** and actually think we could have had a shot but the timing is wrong." I basically wrote back and said I understood and then told him I saw the forum and felt disrespected (hindsight I probably should not have mentioned it). He said that "you get what you ask for" and that if you go "stalking" someone else and "invading their privacy" you are likely to find things you dont want to see or hear. Um, I was not stalking him - he was posting on a PUBLIC forum. Maybe it was odd that I googled him and read those things but what if I hadn't? I would have continued (if he hadn't ended it) to date someone that clearly was not serious. I'm certainly not a "stalker" but I don't want to be taken advantage of - that happened through my entire marriage. If I had been more alert instead of giving the benefit of the doubt allt he time - I would have discovered everything before I was even married. I basically said that I felt like I had been a goal to him. He said that was complete bull****. He said "go into any locker room and you will hear the same thing. you can keep telling yourself that to make you feel better about your insecurities".

 

Anyway, it's done. I feel really stupid now but learned that I don't want to have sex until there is someone sort of discussion about where things are going. I obviously can't handle it emotionally. I was really upset because I genuinely REALLY liked him and thought he was being truthful. I thought we had a connection and now I wonder if that was even real at all or just a game - I feel like the next people I date I'm going to have my guard up. I tried SO hard to give him the benefit of the doubt without thinking about things that had happened in my past.

 

For whatever reason, he made me feel bad. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't told him I knew about the forum because I'm sure he thinks I'm psycho (which I'm not). I feel like I was smart! But it would have been nice to walk away without someone probably telling their friend about a crazy girl they dated. I actually wasn't super mad, I just wanted him to know I had seen all those things. I dont know. Ugh -maybe I'm not ready to date. This is too overwhelming and not fun. I get too emotionally invested in someone I like too soon.

[irc333]

AH, the Oollllll....."Biggest case in his career" line....puulleease!! lol

 

 

So, I'm recently divorced and have started dating again. I have been online dating. I met a man that I like - there was chemistry and we "clicked". We ended up having sex on our third date (hindsight probably not the best move on my part but what's done is done). He continued to contact me after we had sex but didn't set up a date as he had previously.

 

Finally after about a week of talking but no date, I casually mentioned getting together for dinner, "I thought it would be fun to check out that italian place we were talking about. What is your schedule like?" He told me we would play it by ear that week and he is really busy - he is a lawyer and I know 100% for sure this is true. He is working on the biggest case of his career right now and I completely understand he is busy. So I said "I understand. Can I assume I will see you again at some point?" I said this to give him and "out" - if he doesn't want to see me again I would really appreciate he would just say it. He said "yes" he wanted to see me again but he was so stressed out that he was thinking about looking for another job and he is also in the process of renovating a house.

 

That week he was working a few days and then going on vacation from Wed-Sun (yesterday). I didn't hear from him on Mon or Tuesday which I didn't really think was odd because he was working so much. However, I still haven't heard from him and it's now Monday. I keep telling myself that it was because he was on vacation with the boys and just wanted to relax.

 

At this point - should I contact him again. I've been really great about not contacting first or initiating anything. Would it be okay to text towards the end of the day (if I haven't heard from him) and say "How was your trip?" or should I just let it go.

[Alienist]

Anyway, it's done. I feel really stupid now but learned that I don't want to have sex until there is someone sort of discussion about where things are going. I obviously can't handle it emotionally. I was really upset because I genuinely REALLY liked him and thought he was being truthful. I thought we had a connection and now I wonder if that was even real at all or just a game - I feel like the next people I date I'm going to have my guard up. I tried SO hard to give him the benefit of the doubt without thinking about things that had happened in my past.

I'm a man, and would like to share some thoughts.

 

It is obvious from what and how he wrote that he wasn't interested in you. If a man is interested he maintains the talk and may flirt.

 

I also think if you try talk to the man and ask what he wants, before having sex, you won't get the truth.

 

See, if a man thinks he may want to stay with you longer, it's not a good idea for him to put it on the table: he can expect you to demand more efforts from him, or to find that he doesn't like something of you later. So, you can hardly get a sincere answer in this case, unless he's a weak man. If the man is a good liar though, he could easily convince you of long plans, and so talk you into having sex. I know guys who're good at lying and cheat their partners do promise all kinds of things to their lovers.

 

Now, this man you describe is a skilled manipulator, and forget all he said. But if a woman pushes too hard too early with a good-intentioned man, she lowers her value too. If he 'conquered' you and you had sex, let him conquer you again, don't be too easy. A worthy man will be able to make an effort again.

Edited December 9, 2010 by Alienist