Back on the Market - Need Input

[anned80]

So, I'm recently divorced and have started dating again. I have been online dating. I met a man that I like - there was chemistry and we "clicked". We ended up having sex on our third date (hindsight probably not the best move on my part but what's done is done). He continued to contact me after we had sex but didn't set up a date as he had previously.

 

Finally after about a week of talking but no date, I casually mentioned getting together for dinner, "I thought it would be fun to check out that italian place we were talking about. What is your schedule like?" He told me we would play it by ear that week and he is really busy - he is a lawyer and I know 100% for sure this is true. He is working on the biggest case of his career right now and I completely understand he is busy. So I said "I understand. Can I assume I will see you again at some point?" I said this to give him and "out" - if he doesn't want to see me again I would really appreciate he would just say it. He said "yes" he wanted to see me again but he was so stressed out that he was thinking about looking for another job and he is also in the process of renovating a house.

 

That week he was working a few days and then going on vacation from Wed-Sun (yesterday). I didn't hear from him on Mon or Tuesday which I didn't really think was odd because he was working so much. However, I still haven't heard from him and it's now Monday. I keep telling myself that it was because he was on vacation with the boys and just wanted to relax.

 

At this point - should I contact him again. I've been really great about not contacting first or initiating anything. Would it be okay to text towards the end of the day (if I haven't heard from him) and say "How was your trip?" or should I just let it go.

[LothianLove]

Ask him outright - "are you into me?"

 

He's a lawyer so will be used to direct questioning!

 

If he is - he'll not mind you asking.

[Mellisa]

So, I'm recently divorced and have started dating again. I have been online dating. I met a man that I like - there was chemistry and we "clicked". We ended up having sex on our third date (hindsight probably not the best move on my part but what's done is done). He continued to contact me after we had sex but didn't set up a date as he had previously.

 

Finally after about a week of talking but no date, I casually mentioned getting together for dinner, "I thought it would be fun to check out that italian place we were talking about. What is your schedule like?" He told me we would play it by ear that week and he is really busy - he is a lawyer and I know 100% for sure this is true. He is working on the biggest case of his career right now and I completely understand he is busy. So I said "I understand. Can I assume I will see you again at some point?" I said this to give him and "out" - if he doesn't want to see me again I would really appreciate he would just say it. He said "yes" he wanted to see me again but he was so stressed out that he was thinking about looking for another job and he is also in the process of renovating a house.

 

That week he was working a few days and then going on vacation from Wed-Sun (yesterday). I didn't hear from him on Mon or Tuesday which I didn't really think was odd because he was working so much. However, I still haven't heard from him and it's now Monday. I keep telling myself that it was because he was on vacation with the boys and just wanted to relax.

 

At this point - should I contact him again. I've been really great about not contacting first or initiating anything. Would it be okay to text towards the end of the day (if I haven't heard from him) and say "How was your trip?" or should I just let it go.

 

Well, you probably shouldnt have said that "Can I assume I will see you again at some point?"..It just sounds a little insecure and clingy on your part..He might like the idea of seeing you again at some point but since he still hasnt initiate anything whether it's a text or a next date arrangement,you might want to consider the very possiblity that he's not into you and therefore you are not among his priorities.

 

You can send him a casual friendly"how's the trip" text,but there is no guarantee that'll remind him of wanting a date with you.If you want to play hard to get a little, no contact from now on until he wonders and contacts you.If your goal is to get a next date,you'll probably have a better chance with the latter option.Just my two cents:)

[anned80]

It certainly was not meant to sound clingy - I wanted to know if he was still interested. He was continuing to contact me but he hadn't setup another date and I was confused. I thought that was the best way of putting it without sounding demanding. If he isn't interested, then fine, I would rather just know.

 

I'm seriously not into games at all. I am very direct but I also don't want to be pushy or annoying. I know he is direct also - because he is a lawyer and just because of his personality. He told me that he appreciated that I was "straightforward".

 

Why would someone say "yes" I would see you again if they didn't really mean that? Ugh - I'm really not liking getting back into dating. I just like to cut through all the bull****. If he was just to say it then I would move on but right now I'm confused.

[anned80]

Lothian - you are a man. I would appreciate hearing a man's opinion.

 

We go on dates 1, 2, 3 - honestly, they were wonderful. There was a definite mutual connection - mental and physical. Like I said, I'm "back on the market" and hindsight probably should have waited to have sex but it felt right at the time and I certainly would not have had sex if I didn't think he wasn't interested in me in other way.

 

He was great about following up for 1, 2 and making dates, etc. After date 3 - he still contacts me but doesn't set up date. I absolutely don't think his work is necessarily an excuse - he is VERY busy. I'm okay with that and don't need 300 texts and phone calls per day.

 

What is the normal protocol before you are exclusive but dating someone if you don't want to see them again. I personally would at least email/text the person and say - "Hey, it was nice getting to know you but I don't think this is going to work out." I know we aren't exclusive but that seems like a decent thing to do.

 

As I said, I have not made very little contact with him - the only time I intitiated contact first was LAST saturday when I finally was fed up without having a date setup and just mentioned dinner. So, for all he knows I'm cool as a cucumber.

 

In the scenario I described would this definitely mean you weren't intersted? I feel like it probably does but I guess I'm having trouble excepting it! How would you if you were in his shoes and I texted you to ask how your trip was.

 

I just find it odd that he continued to contact me after sex - I feel like he wouldn't have contacted me if he wasn't intersted at all. I thought maybe he didn't contact me last week because of work and vacation - since we aren't exclusive maybe he just wanted to "check out".

 

And if he is really busy - which I think he is I also don't want to sound annoying and pushy by asking him if he is intersted. I'm so confused!!! Also, my mind keeps going back to a story he told me on our first date - he went out with a woman and after their 2nd date he was really busy and didn't call/text her for about 4-5 days. She sent him a "scathing" email about how he was a jerk, etc. He said that he actually really liked her but had just been super busy - I don't want to do anything like that! What if he IS just really busy?

 

AH! I know I'm overthinking everything - it's just my personality. Luckily, he has not idea I'm sitting on pins and needles.

Edited December 6, 2010 by anned80

[Seamless74]

Luckily, he has not idea I'm sitting on pins and needles

.

 

doubt that..

 

Can I assume I will see you again at some point?" I said this to give him and "out" - if he doesn't want to see me again I would really appreciate he would just say it.

 

because of you saying this and already having sex..

 

hopefully hes a nice guy in the real sense of the word because if not he knows hes already got it in the bag as it were..

 

with everything thats transpired so far I wouldnt do anything no contact nothing until he reinitiates it. thereby you dont look desperate or clingy and maybe he wonders about how committed you are. Worst case scenario is he really isnt that interested and that first story he told you was kind of a disclaimer and warning. Second worst case scenario is hes just gonna be one of those unfortunately undateable people u know the kinds that is just to busy...

[waynesworld]

I'm a man, and I recently got back in the "game" too, so here are my thoughts.

 

He might still be interested, but he isn't *that* interested. It doesn't matter if he's working on the biggest case of his life; the bottom line is if he's interested, he'd see you. How hard is it to put on a smile and meet someone for a hour or two?

 

It'd be nice if the other person would just be upfront and let you know if they weren't interested anymore wouldn't it? That's not the way it works. The standard protocol seems is to slowly fade away. I had a girl accept a date with me and then not return my messages when I called to firm up details. And this is after she told me that she values "honesty and being upfront" above all else

 

I don't think you've done anything wrong. You've already made it clear you wanted to see him again. The ball's in his court. You shouldn't sit around waiting for a return volley though.

[anned80]

Here is a recent text conversation. I'm still really confused. I'm not asking to be exclusive or for a commitment - I'm fine with the way things are I just wanted to clarification that he was still interested in getting to know me and to see where that goes. I never got the impression (before now) that he wasn't looking for a relationship at some point which is why I'm still confused. I'm not asking for a relationship right now but if we both like each other, both are attracted to each other, why wouldn't we keeping seeing each other. Please be kind in your reponses. Help me decifer! He says at the end he wants to see me - WTF?!

 

Me: I'm sorry to hear that - I dont know what to say because I'm obviously not in your shoes but I hope it gets better. A fun dinner with me might help just a bit. What does your week look like?

 

Him: You're probably sick of me saying this, but I'm ridiculously busy again this week. Not sure how much time I'll have.

 

Him: Sorry for being a lameass. This is not normal for me.

 

Me: {name}, I don't think you are being a lameass, I think you work really hard and I know you have a huge case right now. I'm busy too. I'll just be blunt and ask you if you're still interested in seeing me. Unlike most women I don't need niceties and handholding - and also just to be clear none of this is being said with an attitude at all, I'm in no way upset.

 

Him: I am attrracted to you, I think you're really sexy, I have fun with you (and really enjoyed the last time we were together), but I am in no position to make any kind of committment to someone right now, even short term.

 

Him: That's sorta where I'm at

 

Me: I'm definitely not interested in a friends with benefits arrangement, if that is what you are looking for then I'm not the girl for the job.

 

Him: I didn't say that

 

Me: I didn't say you did but I just wanted to be clear... hold on writing more

 

Me: I also certainly was not asking for a commitment as we have been on THREE dates! I too am attracted to you and have fun with you and I'm personally interested in getting to know you better and see where that goes.

 

Him: I'm just saying I know what it takes to be in any kind of exclusive relationship. I shouldn't be in one of those now. My life is very cluttered and it makes me feel ****ty to treat people less than how they deserve to be treated.

 

Me: I guess I don't know what to say. I guess I'm wanting to get to know you better and you are saying you can't do that, correct?

 

Him: Well I get the sense that you aren't someone who is cool with casual dating.I'm always open to getting to know someone better, it's just that the context in which that happens can be complicated sometimes

 

Me: The way I operate is if I like someone, I like them. I don't do anything half heartedly so it's difficutl for me to date multiple people at the same time. I dont think there is anyway to know after 3 dates if you want a relationship with someone but my mind is not closed off to a relationship if that's where it leads.

 

Me: I guess for me it's kind of like... we are attracted to one another, we like one another, then what's the problem? Why wouldn't we continue to see if that went anywhere? I'm obviously completely missing something.

 

Me: If what you are saying is that you already know ti's not going to lead anywhere then you can just say it. I personally thought we clicked well and had amazing chemistry and I don't know what would happen or if it would go anywhere but I'm willing to explore that.

 

Me: Life is busy for everyone. Life is always going to be busy. It will always be cluttered.

 

Him: Well maybe we could get drinks soon and chat in person. I hate talking about complicated crap via text message

 

Me: I understand and it wasn't my intention to make it complicated.

 

Him: Your thoughts are not complicated. Mine are not complicated, but I don't feel like texting it all. Plus, I want to see you.

 

Me: I understand, that makes sense to me. That got pretty heavy! I'm glad you are direct, it makes things about 1000% easier. When are you free for a drink?

 

Him: I dunno. Can't Tues, Wed, for Fri for sure. Let's touch base later if that's ok.

 

Me: Sounds good - talk to you soon.

[Sarah1977]

Yeah. I'd walk away. I've said some of that stuff to guys, almost word for word, when I'm trying to let them down easy.

[anned80]

Ugh - I'm so angry. Why wouldnt he just say he doesn't want to see me? Why does he want to meet for a drink? Why is he saying he wants to see me?

 

This whole thing is just complete bull****. I feel so stupid now.

[Girlygirl1977]

I also would walk away unfortunately. I think he knows you had sex and often this is meaningful for a woman as far as emotional investment and it sounds like he has made very little effort since. A man who cares and is not confused and is genuinely interested realizes this. I think it has been 2 wks since you had sex?

 

I have dated very busy men (doing deals overseas while operating on east coast time zone as an example) but they still find time to see you if they want to - it makes them happy.

 

This guy is making it seem like it is so difficult and this would make me not want to make any effort to see him. I feel you should look at this actions and not just his words. He is making very little effort to see you, he is not initiating much or trying hard. It's almost like he got the sex and is now deciding not to continue in a way.

 

I don't see how this will improve with this dynamic. Also honestly, you wrote a lot (a lot more than he did). I also agree these conversations are better in person. It does seem more like potentially a final conversation though bc you want different things. Keep your texts shorter going forward - you are pouring out a lot of feeling to a man who may have little invested emotionally. You should look out for yourself and protect yourself bc i don't think this man is a long-term guy at all.

[anned80]

Thanks everyone. I know you are right but it's hard to hear.

 

It's possible he may not even text me back and ask about drinks. If he does what should I say?

 

Why would he put at the end of his text "Plus, I want to see you." Why even add that in?

[Sarah1977]

Why would he put at the end of his text "Plus, I want to see you." Why even add that in?

 

Because it is what you wanted to hear. He'd rather you think he was just too busy than to have you think there is something wrong with you. He's trying to let you down easy.

[9Lives]

Ugh - I'm so angry. Why wouldnt he just say he doesn't want to see me? Why does he want to meet for a drink? Why is he saying he wants to see me?

 

This whole thing is just complete bull****. I feel so stupid now.

 

Sorry Anne but I have to say this is your fault. Sex before communication and understanding is a big NO NO. You put yourself in that situation. As for him, mission accomplished!

 

Alpha Female

[Madgick1]

Why is he online dating if his life is too cluttered for even a short term commitment?

 

What strikes me is he dated a woman before you, liked her, was too busy to follow thru and lost her.... but learned nothing from the experience even tho he says it makes him feel shhiity to treat people like that.

 

Then he goes and does the same thing again with you.

 

What was wrong with Thursday or Saturday or Sunday brunch, if he couldn't do Mon, Tues or Friday for sure?

 

You said, "I'll be blunt and ask if you are still interested in seeing me." He did NOT say yes. He said you were sexy, fun and he was attracted but he was in no position to make even a short term commitment... as in not even for a drink or dinner on Thursday, Sat, or Sun?

 

Why not, if he were interested in seeing you, wouldn't he set a date, say Thursday and if something came up, cancel or delay explain or excuse? It might pss you off, but as his prior experience shows with the lady with the scathing letter, so does not making any date at all. He could have even said, "Let's try Thursday, I might have to pull out at the last minute if XYZ happens, but I want to see you again..." Or something like that.

 

But he didn't. He was careful to make no commitment of any sort, but to give you encouragement to hang around for when he has nothing else going on and the stars line up just right.

 

I found this to be an odd comment: "I'm just saying I know what it takes to be in any kind of exclusive relationship. I shouldn't be in one of those now."

 

You weren't asking for an exclusive relationship. You were asking for one frickin' dinner. Where'd he get exclusive relatinship from that? And he says he 'shouldn't' be in one of those right now.

 

I think he's dating other women as well as working his case. Is his online profile active? I wonder if he didn't spend some time with you, liked you well enough, but is playing the field.

 

You ask him if it's not possible to get to know hm better and again he doesn't answer yes or no, he says: "I get the sense that you aren't someone who is cool with casual dating.I'm always open to getting to know someone better, it's just that the context in which that happens can be complicated sometimes"

 

You are NOW casually dating; so clearly you ARE cool with it.

 

Note the ambiguous, 'I'm always open to getting to know someone better'. Is that someone YOU or someone else? He's not giving you a chance to know him better so I'm guessing he's open to getting to know others.

 

I wonder if there was any over lap between you and the scathing letter woman?

 

He says: "Well maybe we could get drinks soon and chat in person. I hate talking about complicated crap via text message"... and he says: "but I don't feel like texting it all. Plus, I want to see you..."

 

Ok fine. He has a phone in his hand, right? So why not push 10 numbers and call you right then and there? You aren't even proposing a dinner any more, just a drink. Half hour.

 

I think he does like you, but he's focusing on his work and getting to know others. He said he was a lameass. When people tell you who they are, generally you should believe them. He won't tell you straight out what's going on because he does like you, and if the mood strikes him he'd like to keep the option open to give you a call again.

 

[daphne]

you wrote a lot (a lot more than he did). I also agree these conversations are better in person. It does seem more like potentially a final conversation though bc you want different things. Keep your texts shorter going forward - you are pouring out a lot of feeling to a man who may have little invested emotionally. You should look out for yourself and protect yourself bc i don't think this man is a long-term guy at all.

 

I noticed this too. You were more invested and you were kind of pushing, not with what you were saying but that you were over explaining. You could have kept it brief and it would have come across less pushy I think.

 

Please, next time take the physical slower. It'll make it easier to back off if you sense that there's no reciprocation. I don't see this guy being remotely interested in a commitment with you at any point down the road.

[daphne]

He won't tell you straight out what's going on because he does like you, and if the mood strikes him he'd like to keep the option open to give you a call again.

 

 

Madgick was right on so many levels, I think you can close the thread now. This guy is evasive, turns things back around on you and can't commit to a drink. This is a definitive Launch! in my opinion.

[Madgick1]

And what is this nonsense?

 

"...I'm always open to getting to know someone better, it's just that the context in which that happens can be complicated sometimes..."

 

Context? Complicated? What's complicated about squeezing in a drink?

 

He has other options too.

 

Like at 10 pm when he gets home from his heavy workload, he can text you, "Hey are you still up? Can you stand a phone call?"

 

Can't do dinner, can't do a drink, can't do a phone call.

[anned80]

To answer a question, yes he took down his online profile about 2 days after we had sex and it is still not up. It is not a site where you can "hide" yourself and still browse.

 

Ok so I have a new update. After we had the text conversation above he texted me in the evening and asked if I wanted to meet. I did not write him back at first because I was still really confused and wasn’t sure if there was any point in meeting because it obviously didn’t seem like we were on the same page. He ended up sending me about 4 text messages saying that the rest of the week sucked and he was busy but he had some free time and that evening and he knew it was last minute. Monday was the only day I could meet anyway so I said “okay”. I assumed we would meet, discuss and decide we weren’t on the same page and that would be that. I felt like it was more mature just to talk about it then making assumptions or ignoring him.

 

We met at his house, he offered to come to mine but I don’t have a couch. I was fully expecting that I would get there, we would talk and figure out we weren’t on the same page and then leave. Basically, I got there and he greeted me with a kiss – I was kind of thinking, WTF?! We talked for about two hours about non-relationship stuff, catching up, etc. and then we talked status. I basically said that I was really confused because on dates 1-2 he was really good about following up and making plans, then on our 3rd date we had sex and that diminished a lot and suddenly he was very “busy”. I said that I don’t like bull**** – I said if all you are looking for is sex or “friends with benefits” I’m absolutely 100% not the person for that. I said that if he doesn’t want to see me anymore or is not interested I would appreciate if he would just tell me instead of making excuses of being “busy”. He said that he “really, really liked me” and thought I was “awesome.” He said that he was under the impression that I wanted to jump into an exclusive relationship (side note: obviously, I would if that is what he wanted now too but I’m fine not doing that at this time). He said that he is truly and genuinely the busiest he has ever been in his entire life and is almost on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He said his life is not normally like that but right now he can’t commit to a relationship. I explained that I had never mentioned an exclusive relationship or commitment and that my whole point of asking about him wanting to see me was basically to figure out if he still had interest or if he was blowing me off I told him that I didn’t want to be strung along and I’d rather just keep it real. He said he is not into “friends with benefits” at all and tends to be more of a “relationship” type person. He said “why would I say that I wanted to see you again if I didn’t?” And I said, “well, a lot of guys say a lot of things to get what they want and I just want things to be clear He said that he has been single for a long time and it’s scary to think about losing his independence. He said he definitely wants to settle down and have a family/wife/kids. I said something like “I think our dates have been pretty great – unless I’m completely misreading things.” And he said “Great? Come on, you know they’ve been pretty amazing!”

 

Basically, I feel like we are on the same page. I’m fine with letting things happen organically and seeing where they go instead of making demands or timelines. I think this is a case of text message confusion – I think he basically thought I was asking for a relationship RIGHT NOW and he’s not at that point – this is not what I was asking, I just wanted to make sure he was in fact ACTUALLY busy and not just making excuses. Obviously, at some point it’s going to become clear where things are headed as we spend more time together – over the next 1-2 months (if this continues) I’m sure deeper feelings will or won’t develop at which time an “exclusivity” talk will need to be had and decisions will need to be made. But, right now I truly enjoy spending time with him – we get a long well, we laugh and we definitely just “click.” On a side note, the sex is amazing – our chemistry is undeniable and it just works. Perhaps I’m being naïve or making poor decisions but it seems silly to discontinue seeing him when we are getting along so well just because he isn’t ready to commit to a title. Isn’t this what dating is? Getting to know someone over a couple of months and then figuring out if it’s going anywhere? I’ll give it more time and at some point he/me/we will decide this is definitely worth continuing or that we know enough about each other to know it should end. His profile is still not up on the dating website so I honestly don’t think he is dating anyone else (I don’t think he has the time).

 

In the meantime, I put my profile back up on the dating website. I do REALLY like him but maybe it will help if I continue to casually date other people (no sex with other people). At least then I can gauge where things are a little better and not become so emotionally tangled in him.

 

Thoughts? Am I crazy? I feel like this is more how dating should go – that it should start out like this and not jump into anything.

Edited December 7, 2010 by anned80

[Mellisa]

Here is a recent text conversation. I'm still really confused. I'm not asking to be exclusive or for a commitment - I'm fine with the way things are I just wanted to clarification that he was still interested in getting to know me and to see where that goes. I never got the impression (before now) that he wasn't looking for a relationship at some point which is why I'm still confused. I'm not asking for a relationship right now but if we both like each other, both are attracted to each other, why wouldn't we keeping seeing each other. Please be kind in your reponses. Help me decifer! He says at the end he wants to see me - WTF?!

 

Me: I'm sorry to hear that - I dont know what to say because I'm obviously not in your shoes but I hope it gets better. A fun dinner with me might help just a bit. What does your week look like?

 

Him: You're probably sick of me saying this, but I'm ridiculously busy again this week. Not sure how much time I'll have.

 

Him: Sorry for being a lameass. This is not normal for me.

 

Me: {name}, I don't think you are being a lameass, I think you work really hard and I know you have a huge case right now. I'm busy too. I'll just be blunt and ask you if you're still interested in seeing me. Unlike most women I don't need niceties and handholding - and also just to be clear none of this is being said with an attitude at all, I'm in no way upset.

 

Him: I am attrracted to you, I think you're really sexy, I have fun with you (and really enjoyed the last time we were together), but I am in no position to make any kind of committment to someone right now, even short term.

 

Him: That's sorta where I'm at

 

Me: I'm definitely not interested in a friends with benefits arrangement, if that is what you are looking for then I'm not the girl for the job.

 

Him: I didn't say that

 

Me: I didn't say you did but I just wanted to be clear... hold on writing more

 

Me: I also certainly was not asking for a commitment as we have been on THREE dates! I too am attracted to you and have fun with you and I'm personally interested in getting to know you better and see where that goes.

 

Him: I'm just saying I know what it takes to be in any kind of exclusive relationship. I shouldn't be in one of those now. My life is very cluttered and it makes me feel ****ty to treat people less than how they deserve to be treated.

 

Me: I guess I don't know what to say. I guess I'm wanting to get to know you better and you are saying you can't do that, correct?

 

Him: Well I get the sense that you aren't someone who is cool with casual dating.I'm always open to getting to know someone better, it's just that the context in which that happens can be complicated sometimes

 

Me: The way I operate is if I like someone, I like them. I don't do anything half heartedly so it's difficutl for me to date multiple people at the same time. I dont think there is anyway to know after 3 dates if you want a relationship with someone but my mind is not closed off to a relationship if that's where it leads.

 

Me: I guess for me it's kind of like... we are attracted to one another, we like one another, then what's the problem? Why wouldn't we continue to see if that went anywhere? I'm obviously completely missing something.

 

Me: If what you are saying is that you already know ti's not going to lead anywhere then you can just say it. I personally thought we clicked well and had amazing chemistry and I don't know what would happen or if it would go anywhere but I'm willing to explore that.

 

Me: Life is busy for everyone. Life is always going to be busy. It will always be cluttered.

 

Him: Well maybe we could get drinks soon and chat in person. I hate talking about complicated crap via text message

 

Me: I understand and it wasn't my intention to make it complicated.

 

Him: Your thoughts are not complicated. Mine are not complicated, but I don't feel like texting it all. Plus, I want to see you.

 

Me: I understand, that makes sense to me. That got pretty heavy! I'm glad you are direct, it makes things about 1000% easier. When are you free for a drink?

 

Him: I dunno. Can't Tues, Wed, for Fri for sure. Let's touch base later if that's ok.

 

Me: Sounds good - talk to you soon.

 

Did you just try to ask him out again?It seems you really like this guy...To be honest, it looks like you were making it complicated.Reading the texts,it's like you were pushing him for some answer..No guy likes to be pushed.You are not suppose to have a conversation like that after only three dates.You are suppose to keep it simple and fun at this stage.That's what guys like.No wonder he had to tell you that he's in no position to make any kind of committment..i would be under the same impression too that you maybe subconsciously want a committment out of this.

 

Whether you'll see him again or not,you shouldnt let it bother you that much.It's great if he likes to see you again but what big difference would it make to you if he doesnt want to?It's not like you'll wait around or put anything on hold right? You have a life of your own that you'll go about.Give him some space and dont try too hard to figure him out..If he comes back he comes back, if he doesnt he doesnt.It's not a big deal.When you acting like it's a big deal, you are freaking him out

[carhill]

So, after a deep and heartfelt conversation which clearly showed you and he to be on different paths, sitting on his couch at his house, you had some more amazing sex? I wasn't clear on that part.

 

This guy is good. Obviously, if he's good enough to sway a judge and jury, a recently divorced woman who's apparently really 'into' him is peanut butter.

 

When I wonder where all the single women are, now I know.

 

So, will this turn into periodic booty calls while other men are dating you 'without sex'?

[Girlygirl1977]

It seems your conversation was neutral to good. I would say he has given himself a lot of wiggle room so if he doesn't pull his weight, he already told you so etc.

 

I think for that reason, it is good that you will be open to dating others. I think you feel bound because of the sex and that is making you attached (which is normal) but if this doesn't work out, this means next time you may want to feel more secure before sex?

 

As with anything we can't tell how it will go. I think he will keep you a little nervous because from what I sense you are quite invested. I never like to feel nervous when I'm dating someone and when it happens, I can see in hindsight it was for a reason.

 

I also think the pressure was a bit heavy for so early in a relationship. Still it does seem he genuinely has a crazy life right now. At the same time, you need to back off now and let him determine how much he wants to see you. You should go about life and keep busy, date others etc. It sounds like he took his profile off bc he is so busy (versus he felt this relationship is it). The cynic in me says he finds this situation to be easy sex and so he is making sure to keep this option on the table. Again, it could turn out to be more and so keeping yourself open (and not too pushy) is the best way to go from your side.

[Sarah1977]

So, after a deep and heartfelt conversation which clearly showed you and he to be on different paths, sitting on his couch at his house, you had some more amazing sex? I wasn't clear on that part.

 

This guy is good. Obviously, if he's good enough to sway a judge and jury, a recently divorced woman who's apparently really 'into' him is peanut butter.

 

 

Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!

[anned80]

I'm doing the best I can. I haven't dated in 10 years and truly it felt genuine. I know everyone is rolling their eyes - I'm not saying it is genuine. I'm just saying that is how it felt. Obviously, moving forward I'm not going to have sex after 3 dates but it felt right at the time.

 

This whole entire thing is really confusing. I just feel really stupid right now. I'm 30 and haven't dated my entire adult life so I missed out on a lot of the normal things that people do in their early 20s that may seem really obvious to everyone else.

 

My exhusband was a cheater and a liar and when I started dating again I basically told myself to erase that from my mind and not carry that baggage around so I went in giving people the benefit of the doubt.

 

As far as the pressure, I basically didn't want to be played! I was not pressuring him for any sort of commitment whatsoever! I basically was giving him an "out" and being like listen, if you don't want to see me then fine, just tell me. I don't like games and don't like bull**** and I was confused. I felt that I had a right to ask.

 

I know I'm not doing everything right but I'm doing the best I can. I do feel really dumb right now. I'm an attractive person and have a lot to offer and I'm honestly really upset that someone took advantage of that. I realize everyone is going to say it is my fault and I get it - I know now I shouldnt have had sex after 3 dates. I just didn't realize that ALL men were this way. The connection really did feel genuine and to be honest, on dates 1-2 he talked about how he was looking for a relationship, etc - so it's not like he was like "oh, I dont know, I go on dates and just see what will happen". He made it seem like that is where his interest was - not just sex.

 

I just cried now - I can't really explain it. I started out dating thinking I was going to do everything "right" and meet a nice guy and he seemed like that. I would NEVER have had sex with him on the 3rd date if I thought that was all he was after - he definitely did not make it seem that way whatsoever. He was persuing me and it seemed real. I understand that I got attached quickly and again, I feel stupid. It just felt like we had a connection and it felt good to have that again with someone of the opposite sex. I'm really angry right now.

Edited December 8, 2010 by anned80

[carhill]

If he had been a true gentleman, when he asked if you wanted to 'meet', he would have suggested a public place for a 'date', not either his or your couch. Words to the wise for the future.

 

He's not done yet, so you will face this again. Men like to dip their wick into wax they've been in before to keep the flame burning. Men like him, I mean. I call this the 'Cheer's Effect'. You can be irritated and/or annoyed and/or disappointed, but that wick-dipping promotes and prolongs *attraction*. His verbal and mental acumen can handle the rest. That's easy. It's like breathing for a lawyer. Just watch the LS lawyers joust with straight shooters like myself here on the forum to see how that works.

 

I would strongly suggest entertaining other gentlemen, having sex with no one for awhile. Re-set the clock. Good luck