Abusive Relationship - is there any chance of change??

[SSG303]

I am 42. I met and dated my SO when I was 17/18 then we went our separate ways. We reconnected romantically when I was about 27 and then have been in an exclusive relationship since then.

 

My SO is very shy, and insecure. He in many ways is a lovely guy, who cares about the planet and we agree on many important issues. We live in Australia, but he spent his earliest years in a remote plantation in another country and feels this led to poor social skills. He no longer has any close friends that he socialises with, but there are very few people he actually likes in this world.

 

He stopped working several years ago to study and then pursue a different careers in the arts sector. This has not been successful. I worry it is never going to be. I have been working full time and cover all costs/bills and support him in his new pursuits for many years now.

 

He first hit me about three years into our main relationship (ie when I was about 30). He claimed it was an accident. However since that time he has hit me regularly - it is very rare to get through a whole day without a mishap. He most frequently punches me in the shoulders and arms, or kicks me around the legs or bum if I am on the ground.

 

He has never punched be full in the face (sometime have been hit by accident when he has been aiming for shoulders), nor ever broken any bones, and rarely hits hard in vulnerable places like my tummy. He used to do some very savage hair pulling and/or punching the back of my neck; but lately he seems to have stopped this for a new behaviour (hitting me hard in the forehead with the heel of his hand, but not his fist). Sometimes he will just do random things like smash my fingers with the TV remote, but this is unusual.

 

Usually most of the bruising is easily covered by shirts and long sleeves. He has never hit me in front of anyone, on occasion if I cry out and he thinks someone might have heard (very rare) he will cover it my saying loudly "Gee you're clumsy, what have you done to yourself now". Somehow this calculated cover up is worse than the hitting.

 

He rarely apologises, and often the hitting is calculated. He will go to hit me, and then pause as if he is going to resist the urge, and then just let loose anyway. Although he is angry he is not "out of control" as such. He is clear that the hitting is because I hurt him even more that he hurts me, by being disrepectful of him by not listening properly when he speaks, or by arguing with him. If he has just punched me repeatedly for talking over him, he will then say "I want an apology". Of course, if I don't come across as genuinely contrite then he will punish me more. I have tried to explain that he makes me feel resentful and mutinous when he hits me, so it is hard to apologise sincerely in these circumstances. Sometimes I feel so wilful that I will say "why don't you apologise for hitting me?" even though I know this will escalate things.

 

So I know I have played a role here. But I just don't think I can become the person he thinks I need to be in order keep him happy. Sometimes the things I do wrong (eg a condescending look) I am not even aware of!

 

He claims to both hate me and love me. He would tell me he loves me and that I am beautiful/sexy/loved as frequently as he hits me. He is also verbally abusive, and loses his temper very easily. He also hates me having contact with anyone except my mother outside work.

 

He has beens struggling with stress and self-esteem issues and also diabetes.

 

For years I have been rationalising that things would improve when circumstances change, but they never do. Things have just seemed to get worse over time. He has started insulin for his diabetes, and seems to be getting this under control (after refusing to take insulin for many years) and I have really been holding out that things would improve now.

 

But they have not. He knows I avoid contact with him as much as I can, but if I try and talk about the issues of his violence it just escalates the situation and he claims I am threatening him. He claims I have made him the way he is (also his parents are sometimes blamed). Seeking external support is out of the question for him, even suggesting it has resulted in huge rages (he believes I am just setting out to trap him).

 

He is frustrated with his lack of progress and I am expected to devote all my free time to working on things for him. Again, I will come home after a days work to find he has been watching TV all day (because he is depressed) but now expects me to work till the early hours on his work. If I ask him to show me what he has been working on all day it will trigger anger, so I become very resentful and frustrated. Sometimes I get so made that I don't care about the consequences. I have started hoping he will injure me badly enough that I will have to go to hospital and people will start asking questions.

 

I can't see that he will ever change. Is there any hope?

 

Thanks

 

SSG

[Els]

Oh God, I really hope you're trolling.

 

If you're not, get to the police right now. And I mean NOW! What are you waiting for!?!?

[LothianLove]

Oh God, I really hope you're trolling.

 

If you're not, get to the police right now. And I mean NOW! What are you waiting for!?!?

 

Couldn't have put it better myself

[12yearsin]

Just in case you're not trolling this is abuse. Very blatant very aggressive abuse. Please seek help before its too late. I have been there and do not want anyone to go through the same.

[hART]

If you are serious, this is bad. You need to get away from this guy, cut all contact and take care of yourself. Make up a journal of every incident and report it to the police, your life could be in danger. Also, get therapy for this very traumatic event. He might change with years of voluntary rehabilitation and possibly medication. This guys needs help and not from you. Take care of yourself!