poorguy Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 After a breakup, and after some time has gone by-Why is it that exes want to come back even if they've been involved with someone else especially if you've disappeared??? Is it memories of the good, what the heck is it??
aerogurl87 Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I think it depends on the person. Some get "want what they can't have" syndrome and others finally realize they made a mistake. My ex keeps popping up in my life because as he puts it 1) he can't forget me and 2) he thinks someday when the time is right we'll be together again, lol. The important thing in the whole scenario is your happiness though and what you want. If you don't want them back in your life, just ignore them and tell them to leave you alone.
carhill Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Define 'some time'. I don't get the impression that my exW will ever 'be back' and can't imagine my 'being back' for her. I can say that, reflecting upon the good memories of our M, I do have moments of nostalgia, re-living those good times, but the person I divorced is a totality, not one particularly good memory. I would imagine, at best, she shares this perspective, or, more likely, could care less about my existence. One datapoint
Author poorguy Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 I can't speak for marriages. I've never been married and divorces seem more permanent then boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. As far as time goes maybe 6 months to a year it's always been for me-after it's good and over with. Anyways just wondering what the psychology behind it may be??
LothianLove Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 If they left you and then want to get back with you - chances are there's more heartache in the future as they'll probably leave you again for the same reasons. If you left them - unless you made a rash decision - again chances are you'll do so again - or you wouldn't have left them in the first place
carhill Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 (edited) I can't speak for marriages. I've never been married and divorces seem more permanent then boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. As far as time goes maybe 6 months to a year it's always been for me-after it's good and over with. Anyways just wondering what the psychology behind it may be?? Perhaps you're right. With a BF/GF, you merely discontinue dating them and/or move out. There's no lengthy lawsuit to apportion your assets, income and debts. That said, the financial and social specter of divorce likely kept both of us in the game, working on the M, much longer than if we had been BF/GF, providing more opportunities for recovery and reconnection prior to D. When it ended, there was no unfinished business. Perhaps these BF/GF things which go on after breakup are functions of unfinished business, drawn out over time. Looking back over the other significant relationships in my life, I can think of only one which held out the dynamic of unfinished business. It was a patently unhealthy relationship, so perhaps that is instructive as well. I felt as if I had returned to an earlier, far less mature time and experience personal behaviors far out of character with my existing natural emotional and relationship styles. Therein lay the unhealthiness. All the others ended and ended with finality. No ambiguity. Another aspect can be, and important to my small datapoint, I tend to meld sex and intimacy into one continuum and look at relationship health from that perspective. People who compartmentalize the two may return for one or the other, even in situations where the totality is unhealthy; for example, two ex-spouses who fight violently but have great sex together might return to the sex part and split again when the signs of the impending fight appear. Rubber-band relationships, I call them. It's possible for those to go on for many years. Lastly, two partners can grow and change, apart, later reconnect and find more compatibility and satisfaction and health at some future date, generally far into the future. Such growth and change takes a lot of time and effort. Edited December 6, 2010 by carhill
Author poorguy Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Carhill are you actually a shrink lol? Just joking-but no really are you?? That's an interesting point about sex and intamancy, actually a really good point. I started a thread that didn't really go anywhere and that was actaully sort of my question that I wanted to know about only worded quite differently. My ex now after being broken up for like 7 months now. She's talking about our sex life even though she has a new guy...I thought it was some subltle way of trying to get me to tak to her and using sex as the way to do it---I donnoo
carhill Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I did take significant coursework in psychology in college and did have a bunch (over a year) of MC during the later stages of my M. I also cared for a mentally ill person for a number of years. It's an interest/aptitude borne of circumstance, perhaps. Licensed professionals are available should you desire real psychological help My experiences with MW's might be a clear indicator of one potential of what you are sharing wrt your ex. They tended to re-visit for validation and to bask in the *want*. The easier this is achieved, with words being the path of least resistance, the more likely they were to re-visit. Throw up any significant boundaries and they move on to easier pickings. TBH, this is an area where I actually respect my exW. When she was done with me, she was done. I don't know for certain what went on prior to that, but she hasn't substantially revisited the validation game since ending the marriage. If she moved on to a man she had contact with during or after our M, she's done it completely and without ambiguity regarding myself. No mixed messages. Personally, I would never be interested in a woman who had moved on to another man but still was seeking out validation from myself. This is another lesson MW's and my EA during my M taught me. A healthy intimate relationship isn't a contest. If someone is involved with another person, that's their focus. If they're focusing on me, then I put myself in their partner's shoes. Would I want that in my life and my relationship? Personally, no. Now, if you compartmentalize sex and your ex is, as a poster opined in a related thread, 'just sex' without any emotional attachment, then f*ck her and enjoy the sex. You're not going to live with her or marry her or father your children with her, so enjoy the pleasures of the moment and move on.
Author poorguy Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Good points Carhill...Regardless of what happened with them afterwords I just wonder why they come strolling back into your life? Anyone else know??
carhill Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 The simplest answer is you have something they want. I've yet to meet a 'stroller' who comes back into my life to bring me gold, myrrh and frankincense
Author poorguy Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Carhill, yet another great point!! Something they want all of the sudden? Wonder what? Anyone here been the one who wanted to go back to hteir ex and will actually admit it on Loveshack???
Jannah Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I have no desire to get back with an ex. One is married with kids and the other is going through a divorce, and I hear from them from time to time. I dated a guy in high school who recently got in contact with me, but he's going through a divorce too. I must be a good listener. :lmao:
creighton0123 Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Aerogurl had it right. 1. They want what they can't have 2. They are messed up and in a bad place in life and see you as a source of stability. 3. They don't know what they want and are just saying random stuff. 4. They want money in the way of freeloading or (even though it occurs less often) 5. They genuinely miss you and regret ending the relationship.
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