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husband is attractive, but I don't feel like doing him...

ColumbiaD

By ColumbiaD
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Floridaman Established Member

Floridaman

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I am having the opposite problem myself. My wife is dealing with a great deal of stress and wants sex. Oddly enough, I sometimes feel like she is using me for stress relief.

I know it isn't great being on that end of it, but trust me, that's a problem many wives and husbands would like to have.:o

Just read some of these posts on this board dedicated to the sexless topic and see how lucky you are compared to some of their miserable sex lives.

5-10-15 years of neglect by their hubbys?http://sexlessmarriage.yuku.com/topic/3860?page=1

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ColumbiaD Member

ColumbiaD

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Why are you contributing to HIS mortgage when you make less than he does?

 

Doesn't sound like you're paying for that much less than he anyway. Do you work less hours than he?

 

I wouldn't be living rent-free were we not married and living together, so I don't see a problem with contributing. However, a point to bring up with him might be, either he starts helping more with housework, or I would like to not help pay the mortgage. That would eliminate one source of resentment for me. I have a deeply ingrained sense of paying my own way though; it's how my parents raised me, whether or not that is reasonable in every case is another matter.

 

Sometimes I get the impression that he thinks I should pay more often when we go out and do things, which really pisses me off.

 

We work the same amount of hours, unless I work overtime.

pablopedro Member

pablopedro

Posted
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I think the sex is a minor issue. Everything else has led to the non attraction and interest. You think he's disrespectful and doesn't care about your feelings. I can see why you'd have resentments that leads to not wanting him to even touch you.

 

Plus, the whole "My mortgage, my bills, etc" seems more like you two are roommate than husband and wife. If everything is separate and he barely spends time with you and the whole incident of you and the dog going for a walk and him staying on his computer speaks volumes about your marriage and relationship.

 

I think you need to resolve everything else in your marriage long before you even get to the sex. Because at this point, you seem so annoyed with him long before you ever even get to bed. If everything is separate, what the hell is the point in being married?

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ColumbiaD Member

ColumbiaD

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Why are you contributing to HIS mortgage when you make less than he does?

 

Doesn't sound like you're paying for that much less than he anyway. Do you work less hours than he?

 

Oh, I do work from home one or two days a week, though. I think that might be what you're getting at about if I work fewer hours than he does.

 

This is another source of resentment that we have discussed several times. He seems to think that "working from home" means I'm sitting in front of the tv in my sweats all day not doing anything.

 

This hasn't come up in awhile though, except for me getting annoyed when he tells people how great my job is - he down plays everything, except for the working from home part - he makes it sound like I only work part time and have no responsibility. My job is actually very stressful and time consuming, with constant tight deadlines, and I feel incredibly resentful that I can try to tell him about some of my stress (and he knows the crazy hours I sometimes work), to have him turn around and tell someone I work part time and do whatever I want all day long.

Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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Some of the things I feel resentful about I bring upon myself, which I am trying to work on.

 

Some of the things I feel resentful about wouldn't even bother me, except that there are already other issues.

 

And then some of the things I feel resentful about are just the way he is/the way he was raised, which obviously is out of my control, and I just need to find more constructive ways of dealing with. We have had discussions about some of these things, but his responses waver between: denial that things are the way I say they are which at worst leads to him being mad and defensive; or being upset or hurt that I feel such a way, which at best leads to him changing his behavior (which lasts for about a week).

 

I can also pinpoint what I'm feeling and thinking when I don't feel like having sex with him. An example: Last week I had a little bit of a cold/allergies and couldn't breath through my nose, had to blow my nose every 2 minutes, generally didn't feel good and had a horrible sinus-pressure headache for several days. Was still a tiny bit stuffy yesterday, but feeling better than I had been.

 

Yesterday I made husband breakfast, while he spent the entire morning on his computer - didn't offer to help at all, or even make coffee (which for the second round I asked him to, but was annoyed that he didn't offer - I hate feeling like he expects anything and that he's not considerate about helping out many times) - only took a break to eat and wash the dishes.

 

Then I spent the rest of my day at a boring holiday party for a family friend of his godparents'. On the way there, we had a discussion about his mother because she had just surprised us with a visit to our home and nagged me to get the dog's nails cut, and kept trying to go into our bedroom (there is NO REASON for her to ever go upstairs, let alone to go into our room), so I was pissed off about that.

 

I only knew 6 people at the party, including my husband, but he kept leaving me to talk to someone else, get more food, or whatever so that I was left to either awkwardly stand by myself or awkwardly trail after him like a little ignored shadow. So now I'm still thinking about how inconsiderate he is, and feeling annoyed that he didn't think to get a gift for this party until I reminded him we should pick something up.

 

When we finally got home, he got on his computer and took a nap while I took the dog, who had been cooped up all day, to the dog park, cleaned out the refrigerator, washed the pile of dishes in the sink, and made dinner.

 

Finally, when we went to bed, he kept trying to cuddle when I was reading, so I just shut the light off to go to sleep. But he kept rubbing my tummy and breasts and putting his hand down my pants (and I suppose was trying to turn me on, but he wasn't touching me in ways that turn me on), and it's the last day of my period, so I know that there's nothing in this experience for me, unless I get myself off, but I'm really not feeling it. But, I'm trying really hard to be a good sport, so I close my eyes when he puts his hand back down my pants and think "OK, maybe I can get into this", when he replaces my hand with his and pulls his dick out and wants me to suck him off.

 

This particular scenario makes me not feel like having sex, not feel attracted to him, not feel sexy, and feel resentful and annoyed by him. It makes me feel like I am just there to take care of him - be his mom, run his life and house, and then take care of his sexual needs, with the implication that I need to take care of my own as well, because he's not going to.

 

Sorry for making this so long. It feels good to get this all out.

 

And you wonder why you are not in the mood????? Tell me this is a joke.....:p:lmao:

 

Quick, call Sherlock, Ms. Marple, Jackie Chan, Columbo, Horatio, the whole CSI crew, Bones, McCloud, Poirot.... we have a real mystery on our hands......:p;):laugh::D

pablopedro Member

pablopedro

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It seems pretty obvious now why you can't stand your husband.

From what you posted, he's unromantic. He's distant. He's rude. He disrespects you. He acts like an idiot when it comes to relationships.

He acts like a child. There is no 'US' but more "his stuff" and "my stuff."

 

 

Again, Sex and interest, are not the core problems in your relationship.

Who knows what you saw in him but at this point it's obvious you really can't stand the guy. Re-read your own posts. There is a ton of resentment and good reason for it. I'd say sit down with him, have a conversation about what's bothering you, go to marriage counseling, because at this point it's obvious you two are headed for a divorce, you cheating, or you being miserable and hating life for a long time.

florence of suburbia Established Member

florence of suburbia

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You two have completely different personality styles. He's never going to initiate the household chores because he's relatively content to let them go and ignore them. By the time he's motivated you're climbing the walls.

 

And you mentioned he wants to be mothered. That is another big part of the problem related to the above. You have taken on the admonishing parent role while he plays dumb.

Feelin Frisky Established Member

Feelin Frisky

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I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for, support, sympathy, advice, a place to vent...?

 

I never feel like having sex with my husband anymore, and this really upsets me. I never turn him down when he initiates sex or a bj, but I never initiate anything myself, and I'm really not into it. In fact, I dread him reaching for me at night. Roughly half the time he is physically affectionate in ways that don't lead to sex (kissing, tickling, cuddling) I feel irritated, smothered, and want him out of my personal space. If I look at my husband, I think he's sexy and very good looking, but I just don't have any desire for him most of the time.

 

Consider these rhetorial questions I'm not looking for a personal disclosure on:

 

Were you a very orgasmic person well before you got into relationship? Did you masturbate much in your post adolescence?

 

I only ask because what you describe sounds reminicent of syndrome--some women for whatever reason, aren't very sexual. While they may feel like they've fallen in love and some guy has woken them up sexually, it's only a matter of time before they return to who they are as relatively indifferent to sex. Don't take it that I'm projecting this. Just saying that this happens a lot and is often talked about here on LS.

 

I can't really conceive of what else to say if the guy doesn't do anything that really has caused you to not want him. It's hard to tell with little info. If you've always been a very sexual creature however, it's unisual to just turn off without a reason. Most females who are sexually assertive want sex from the man they've married. Just sayin'

 

PS: Sorry, I didn't read the other respondents before posting. Perhaps you've explained that there are things about him that do turn you off.

waynebrady Established Member

waynebrady

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I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for, support, sympathy, advice, a place to vent...?

 

I never feel like having sex with my husband anymore, and this really upsets me. I never turn him down when he initiates sex or a bj, but I never initiate anything myself, and I'm really not into it. In fact, I dread him reaching for me at night. Roughly half the time he is physically affectionate in ways that don't lead to sex (kissing, tickling, cuddling) I feel irritated, smothered, and want him out of my personal space. If I look at my husband, I think he's sexy and very good looking, but I just don't have any desire for him most of the time.

 

Most women never initiate, most women never want it. You are normal.

giotto Established Member

giotto

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How did you get to marry a child? Don't have one with him. He'll never change and you will regret it when you divorce... because you will.

Els Established Member

Els

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Whoa, huge can of worms here.

 

You said you 'would like to mention some things to him'. So do it. In a non-confrontational manner that suits both your communication styles. This isn't going to get better left on its own.

 

Incidentally, has HE complained about your lack of sexual interest?

giotto Established Member

giotto

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Whoa, huge can of worms here.

 

You said you 'would like to mention some things to him'. So do it. In a non-confrontational manner that suits both your communication styles. This isn't going to get better left on its own.

 

Incidentally, has HE complained about your lack of sexual interest?

 

They've had several discussions about the issues and he doesn't do anything about it... as far as the sex is concerned, he is so self-absorbed he probably hasn't even noticed...

Els Established Member

Els

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Strange, why did she say she'd 'like' to mention to him that if he isn't going to help in the chores, she shouldn't be paying the mortgage, etc? I would assume she'd only say 'like' if she hadn't already.

giotto Established Member

giotto

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Strange, why did she say she'd 'like' to mention to him that if he isn't going to help in the chores, she shouldn't be paying the mortgage, etc? I would assume she'd only say 'like' if she hadn't already.

 

Read below... :D

 

Maybe I will try this. He doesn't know (unless he has guessed) that I am not interested in having sex with him, but we have talked about most things I have problems with:

his mom (which there is only so much he can do about)

division of labor (which I am working on not doing it all myself then being mad at him for not helping, because I'm partly at fault here)

who pays for things

his absent-mindedness (he doesn't think he can do anything about this, but I think it's common sense things, and if he paid a little attention he could handle)

Kendrick Established Member

Kendrick

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"How did you get to marry a child?"

 

My guess is, there was something about him when she met him that lead her to believe he needed "fixing", to be helped", or rescued". AKA as the "mothering role" Even if it was something just slightly there, it was probably something she felt she could handle/deal with at the time. Everyone at some point wants to feel the have fxed or helped something or someone. I'm sure she had no clue it would be ongoing for this long.

 

And him, well he probably gravitated towards her because he probably saw the same "mothering" qualities as well. He was probably looking for someone to do most all things for him, and in his mind, she fit the bill for that. An adult who had most things done for them as a child will more than likely look for a spouse who can do the same thing. If he wasn't like that as a child then for some reason he has an entitlement issue which he feels others should meet for him. Of course, having most things done for you, would give you that since of entitlement I guess.

Edited by Kendrick
giotto Established Member

giotto

Posted
Posted
"How did you get to marry a child?"

 

My guess is, there was something about him when she met him that lead her to believe he needed "fixing", to be helped", or rescued". AKA as the "mothering role" Even if it was something just slightly there, it was probably something she felt she could handle/deal with at the time. Everyone at some point wants to feel the have fxed or helped something or someone. I'm sure she had no clue it would be ongoing for this long.

 

And him, well he probably gravitated towards her because he probably saw the same "mothering" qualities as well. He was probably looking for someone to do most all things for him, and in his mind, she fit the bill for that. An adult who had most things done for them as a child will more than likely look for a spouse who can do the same thing. If he wasn't like that as a child then for some reason he has an entitlement issue which he feels others should meet for him. Of course, having most things done for you, would give you that since of entitlement I guess.

 

he is not 10 anymore... I gather they are not in their teens.... :D Come on! This guy has some serious growing-up to do! Having a kid with him? She doesn't need too... she has one already!

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ColumbiaD Member

ColumbiaD

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You two have completely different personality styles. He's never going to initiate the household chores because he's relatively content to let them go and ignore them. By the time he's motivated you're climbing the walls.

 

And you mentioned he wants to be mothered. That is another big part of the problem related to the above. You have taken on the admonishing parent role while he plays dumb.

 

Honestly, part of our personality differences is the type of chores we think are important - I think vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, dusting, etc. once a week is important and a priority; while he could care less about that, but thinks little "projects" are important (like cleaning out the fridge) - which I really don't care if it gets done. I was just sick of him talking about how it needed to get done.

 

I have noticed that I am increasingly taking on the mother role, and I hate it. I wasn't trying to, but it just kind of happens. I am trying to make a conscious effort to stop.

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ColumbiaD Member

ColumbiaD

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Strange, why did she say she'd 'like' to mention to him that if he isn't going to help in the chores, she shouldn't be paying the mortgage, etc? I would assume she'd only say 'like' if she hadn't already.

 

We have talked about a lot of things; I was taking your indignation that I was helping with the mortgage as a suggestion of a possible solution for one aspect of this mess that has not been previously suggested.

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ColumbiaD Member

ColumbiaD

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Posted (edited)
"How did you get to marry a child?"

 

My guess is, there was something about him when she met him that lead her to believe he needed "fixing", to be helped", or rescued". AKA as the "mothering role" Even if it was something just slightly there, it was probably something she felt she could handle/deal with at the time. Everyone at some point wants to feel the have fxed or helped something or someone. I'm sure she had no clue it would be ongoing for this long.

 

And him, well he probably gravitated towards her because he probably saw the same "mothering" qualities as well. He was probably looking for someone to do most all things for him, and in his mind, she fit the bill for that. An adult who had most things done for them as a child will more than likely look for a spouse who can do the same thing. If he wasn't like that as a child then for some reason he has an entitlement issue which he feels others should meet for him. Of course, having most things done for you, would give you that since of entitlement I guess.

I'm not sure what the deal is. My first reaction is this:

He was very different when we first met and when we were dating. His house was always clean, he always had groceries, and he was always cooking - and I don't just mean cooking for me, I mean he cooked all his meals for himself regardless of whether or not I was there.

 

Years down the road, come to find out the only reasons he kept his house clean were 1) we were dating and he didn't want to gross me out and 2) he had a Persian cat that I was allergic to, so he kept his house clean/sheets and blankets washed, and did a once-over with the vacuum every time I came over. After we were married the cat kicked the bucket and as it turns out all this vacuuming, dusting and sheet changing was torture to him, he was only doing it so I would be comfortable. Which is very sweet and all, but I thought I was marrying a guy who cleaned his damn house!

 

The cooking? He was going through a health/diet phase where he was eating super healthy and on a specific workout regimen, so he basically needed to cook all his meals at home. After about a year or a year and a half, he stopped, which is when he stopped cooking as often and eating out more. Again, down the road, turns out he can't stand cooking. I actually don't mind cooking, but again, I thought I was marrying someone who could cook and didn't mind doing it. Our solution to this, which works out pretty well is that he does all the dishes, and when I need or want a break, I let him know he's up for dinner. He almost always orders delivery or takes me out instead of cooking.

 

I think that there is an element of truth to what I quoted above, but it didn't come out until we were married.

 

He also has improved on some things, in order to make me happy, which are consistent changes - he always used to be late to everything, which drove me crazy because it's so rude; he is almost always on time now, and if he thinks he is going to running a few minutes late he calls ahead.

Edited by ColumbiaD
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ColumbiaD Member

ColumbiaD

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Last night we went out to a nice dinner with some friends and had a good time. He was generous, funny and charming. For the first time in awhile I felt attracted to him, and I let him know what I had in mind for later.

 

But, on the way home he started picking on me in a teasing, but very unflattering way, which irritated me. I told him that he was ruining the mood and tried to forget it.

 

When we got home I told him I needed 5 minutes, so he turned on his computer, which he was on for 45 minutes!

 

That completely killed my mood. Even if I had wanted to anymore, I was too tired to be bothered.

 

This morning he was making comments about how things used to be (if he did X I would be ready to go; if he did Y I would be all over him). I'm kicking myself for not telling him why those things don't work anymore.

giotto Established Member

giotto

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I'm kicking myself for not telling him why those things don't work anymore.

 

You have a serious communication problem going... you will never be happy if you don't spill the beans and tell him straight, regardless of the consequences...

 

BTW, how old are you two?

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ColumbiaD Member

ColumbiaD

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You have a serious communication problem going... you will never be happy if you don't spill the beans and tell him straight, regardless of the consequences...

 

BTW, how old are you two?

 

I know that communication is important, but to be perfectly honest, I don't think telling your partner that you are no longer attracted to them is healthy for a relationship either. I would rather try to fix this without having to say that. Which of course involves communicating about other things - the problem is that the other things are slow in changing and might never happen. I think there is such a thing as being too open.

 

He is in his mid-30s, I'm in my late 20s.

 

Last night I told him that I need more foreplay, that he completely kills my desire for him when he teases me in a certain way, etc. However, somehow there is a disconnect with him, because this morning he is commenting on how I don't get turned on as easily as I used to. Tonight I am going to tell him that I need sex to be more about me and my pleasure and see what happens. I'm sick of just waiting for sex to be over.

 

Oh, and another reason I didn't say anything this morning is because I am trying to not be nasty toward him. What I wanted to say is It's hard to feel turned on when the dog is jumping on me and grumbling at me because he has to poop and YOU haven't let him out yet or fed him. Waking up to a hungry dog that needs to be taken care of and you with your dick in my face asking me to take care of you does not put me in the mood.

Edited by ColumbiaD
xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
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I know that communication is important, but to be perfectly honest, I don't think telling your partner that you are no longer attracted to them is healthy for a relationship either. I would rather try to fix this without having to say that. Which of course involves communicating about other things - the problem is that the other things are slow in changing and might never happen. I think there is such a thing as being too open.

 

I have to disagree with you here, Columbia. There is an art to being honest and open without being hurtful and destructive, but keeping major issues to yourself will be the downfall of your marriage.

 

You need to tell him that your attraction to him has been affected by x, y, and z. He needs to know that your attraction has waned, and why.

giotto Established Member

giotto

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You need to tell him that your attraction to him has been affected by x, y, and z. He needs to know that your attraction has waned, and why.

 

well, yes, it's an art indeed... :D and I didn't actually mean to tell him you are not attracted to him, but that his behaviour is affecting your relationship and hence your sex life... he seems oblivious to that.

Kendrick Established Member

Kendrick

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he is not 10 anymore... I gather they are not in their teens.... :D Come on! This guy has some serious growing-up to do! Having a kid with him? She doesn't need too... she has one already!

 

 

You're right, and I agree. However, I'm not saying 100% thats the case for her husband, I'm going based on the fact I have dated guys in the past who acted just like that. And yes, they had most all things done for them and was babied as a child and worst of all, turned out into the world with no real solid coping/communication skills, not for relationships or parenting. I'm not saying the posters husband is exactly like that, but alot of what she described reminded me of those things.

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