sweet_peach115 Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Guys, would you ever run from a relationship because you are scared of your feelings or is that something that only happens in movies?
Feelin Frisky Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Scared? I don't know what that's supposed to mean. To avoind bad feelings being repeated? Yes. To have new feelings of love and joy? Hell no. Scared? Doesn't compute really.
youngskywalker Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Never. I do however try to take things slow in the beginning before jumping in with both feet. This usually doesn't last long at all if I'm into a girl.
strength-abounds Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I have done it before. It wasn't because I was afraid of my feelings, just didn't know how to cope with them fresh out of a divorce. I think a guy saying he is afraid of his feelings is just a chickens*** way of saying no to a relationship with someone.
Author sweet_peach115 Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 By scared I guess I mean you were hurt pretty badly in a previous relationship and it makes you run away from any new ones.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 By scared I guess I mean you were hurt pretty badly in a previous relationship and it makes you run away from any new ones. "Run away"? No. "Turn away"? Yes.
carhill Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 (edited) OP, are you talking about fear of intimacy and/or emotional attachment and commitment? Within the context of your dating interaction/relationship, specifics are helpful. Your past threads give me no conclusive guidance on the specifics. Edited to add that, if a man is emotionally available, traumas like breakups will not generally change that. He'll heal and continue. Some men won't date while healing simply because it impedes the process. Also, healing can create a burden upon his dating partner, an unreasonable burden. Edited December 6, 2010 by carhill
Author sweet_peach115 Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Feelin Frisky: define "turn away"?? carhill: I began dating a guy and I thought things were going great. He seemed really into me. We were spending 2 - 3 nights a week together. He texted me daily, all day long. The last night we spent together, he made me wait in the kitchen because his roommates gf was coming over and he wanted us to meet. He made a comment about how great it was because all his roommates upstairs had their gf's over and I was downstairs with him. Then he was really distant the whole next week. Thursday night he ended it saying he just couldn't handle a relationship because he was still hurting from his last one. I was a little shocked and upset. I think when someone says "I'm just not ready for a relationship" its a total copout so I said if he just wasn't that into me he could tell me and I wouldn't be offended. I actually prefer brutal honesty. He said "no, I'm just really, really not ready for a relationship" Also he has HPV. His last relationship ended because his gf caught it from him. He said it "destroyed" her... He was scared of me catching it so we never had sex......
carhill Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Sounds like he needs to do some personal work. Personally, I see such revelations as gifts. He disclosed his HPV and apparently is 'scared' of possibly giving it to you and he said he wasn't 'ready for a relationship' due to 'hurting from his last one'. Further, he shared that he gave HPV to his ex-girlfriend, presumably by accident, and that it 'destroyed' her. To me, given that all these disclosures could easily be presumed to have a negative impact on your interest and attraction and desire for him, indicate that he is accepting of and can express feelings, both his own and, by his description of his perception of his exGF, empathy for another. Can you accept this?
Author sweet_peach115 Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 I guess. I'm just upset. I've never connected with anyone ever the way I connected with him. I feel like I've lost my best friend
Feelin Frisky Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Feelin Frisky: define "turn away"?? ...... "Run away" sounds cowardly and judgemental. If you're asking if past experiences can influence me or someone to perhaps avoid relationships, be wary, be detached and maybe on guard the answer is yes. But "run away"? That conjures images to me of some fuitcake running away without his twosers but with socks on and some of those hose suspender thingies that puffy tpes wear having an emotional meltdown. Might I turn away from a relationship that seems risky? Yes. But that's not running. I may just as easily throw myself into one which seems like everything's a go.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Guys, would you ever run from a relationship because you are scared of your feelings or is that something that only happens in movies? Possible, though I also prefer Frisky's phrasing "turn away" as it fits this type of situation much better. If the woman I'm dating shows bad signs... and I'm good at reading signs... I will slowly start to shut things down. Contrary to prior belief men can learn from prior experience. There are tons of bad girls out there... so you have to watch yourself.
Yer_Blues Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I'm scared of expressing feelings sometimes given that it may not be socially approved by those around me given traditional gender roles. I don't think that's what you're talking about though
Author sweet_peach115 Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 I guess I'm just confused on why he suddenly bolted. If he knew he didn't want a relationship, why bother starting one?? I need a guys opinion for sure on that. Is it just code for I don't really like you?? If he had said that then I could easily move on with my life. I said to him after he apologized to me that he can't help that he doesn't have feelings for me. He said no thats not it at all, I just can't handle a relationship right now.. Is that a total lie??? I guess I'm just ranting now.. sorry Also after some very unfortunate vagina situations over the weekend, I'm pretty sure he gave me the HPV anyways..... going to get tested after work
carhill Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 If he knew he didn't want a relationship, why bother starting one?? Classically, from a male perspective, to get validation, sex and attention. Heck, that could be a female perspective too. The id gets fed without substantial responsibility or consequence. When full, move on. For some people this state is transitory; for others, permanent. They are often known as 'commitment - phobic'. Hard to know which type your exBF is. Guess it's time to get to the doctor. Sorry to hear about those suspected HPV issues.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I guess I'm just confused on why he suddenly bolted. If he knew he didn't want a relationship, why bother starting one?? I need a guys opinion for sure on that. Is it just code for I don't really like you?? If he had said that then I could easily move on with my life. I said to him after he apologized to me that he can't help that he doesn't have feelings for me. He said no thats not it at all, I just can't handle a relationship right now.. Is that a total lie??? I guess I'm just ranting now.. sorry Also after some very unfortunate vagina situations over the weekend, I'm pretty sure he gave me the HPV anyways..... going to get tested after work That's how my guy friends react with clingy girls.
Author sweet_peach115 Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 hadn't realized I was clingy. good to know
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 hadn't realized I was clingy. good to know I didn't say you were. You did not describe how you acted in the relationship. I'm just saying based on his reaction to you... that is how my friends react to clingy girls. They are all into the girl for a while then the cling becomes overbearing or hits stage 5 or whatever... and my friend suddenly feels like he can't breathe and wants space. Dunno if that fits your situation or not... Only you can tell.
creighton0123 Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 "Guys, would you ever run from a relationship because you are scared of your feelings or is that something that only happens in movies?" Do you mean like... literally run away? I think that only happens in movies. For the HPV part of it, if you're younger than 25 I think you can still get the vaccine. You should consider it if you're eligible. For the latter part, such a dynamic change in his approach to you suggests he is either lying or emotionally unprepared for romance. In both cases, moving on is the best option :-)
810 Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I'm just saying based on his reaction to you... that is how my friends react to clingy girls. They are all into the girl for a while then the cling becomes overbearing or hits stage 5 or whatever... and my friend suddenly feels like he can't breathe and wants space. Dunno if that fits your situation or not... Only you can tell. sorry to if i'm hi-jacking your thread, OP but I have a question for the guys: How do guys define or perceive girls as clingy? I would like to know.
Author sweet_peach115 Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 I didn't say you were. You did not describe how you acted in the relationship. I'm just saying based on his reaction to you... that is how my friends react to clingy girls. They are all into the girl for a while then the cling becomes overbearing or hits stage 5 or whatever... and my friend suddenly feels like he can't breathe and wants space. Dunno if that fits your situation or not... Only you can tell. Honestly I don't think I was.. He was always texting me, all day long. EVERYDAY! He initiated convo's with me every morning via text. The last couple times we hung out were his idea as well.
810 Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 sweet peach, i found a couple of interesting articles for you but i have to say, this forum is the best because we got good advices from the guys and gals here. i remember jannah said in one of the threads before that i think you might benefit from it because you mentioned he said that he is "not ready for a relationship." : if he says he doesn't want a relationship - listen to his words if he says he wants a relationship - look at his actions.
daphne Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Honestly I don't think I was.. He was always texting me, all day long. EVERYDAY! He initiated convo's with me every morning via text. The last couple times we hung out were his idea as well. I've gotten this before too and found it to be too much too soon. It was from a few married guys who weren't really at teh stage to be in relationships. 2 guys totally turned me off. One got the hint and backed off a little but is blowing hot & cold which means it's over for me. The constant texting is like when a girl just uses a guy for attention and isn't interested in really dating. Although guys want to be around girls they're sexually attracted to and wouldn't turn it away if it was offered. Just look at it as someone who wasn't relationship material, at least not at this point. Just watch out next time for the absolutes, too much too soon, too good to be true stuff. It's rarely ever motivated from a good place, in my experience. It has always been selfish, needy people who are looking to fill the void.
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