nowwhatnow Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 He broke up with me almost 3 months ago and I guess he is not looking back. I have entertained the idea of dating other guys, but what it all comes back to is him. I still want him at the end of the day. Every date I go on every guy I meet just makes me miss and want him more It is like the more I meet other guys the more I know it is him that I want to spend the rest of my life with. What do I do now?
strength-abounds Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Take time for yourself and enjoy being single. Embrace the ability not to have to justify anything to anyone. Go buy some weird s*** just for yourself without worrying about having to explain it to anyone. Turn on some good music and dance around the house. H**l, dance naked around the house and laugh at how ridiculous you dance. Remember what made you happy and start doing them again. Try cooking a different recipe for the grins of doing it. Being single is what you make of it. If you sit and allow yourself to dwell on the things that you cannot change, you will become very miserable and self-loathing. Just because you have become single doesn't mean you NEED to go out and date. It's not fair for your mental state because you have not given yourself time to heal from the relationship. I equate dating before healing from a breakup to putting a bandage on an infected wound. The bandage looks better, but the damage is still underneath.
Author nowwhatnow Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 You are so right, but I also feel like everything I do is just to pass time until he realizes the mistake he made and comes back to me. Even though rationally I know that there is no way of knowing he will ever come back. It is like whether I date, go traveling, bury myself in work or volunteering it is all just to pass the time and make it easier. Nothing makes sense. He never explained anything to me. I wake up everyday with this hurt inside of me and nobody and nothing could make it go away but him. And that is just the reality of my situation.
Will00 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Here is a reality that you need to consider - and I am repeating myself because I have answered others with the same thing (and myself) What you need to do is to take care of yourself. You have to do what you can to help yourself feel better. I always feel it is good to think of your problem as if you had a child and it was their problem: how would you counsel them? You would tell them they are good enough - and more - and to not beat themselves up or hurt themselves over it. Hurting yourself will not fix this problem - I guarantee you that. Don't waste time hurting yourself - it won't get you what you want. If you have any chance it is by doing right by yourself. You can love somebody else - but learn to love yourself first. When you find the new person you will thank the lord you were able to move on - you just cannot see that. History is full of people who thought they could only love one person - and then found it simply is not true. I hope somehow this helps - I too am struggling with something - so my best wishes to you.
bslchump Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 You are so right, but I also feel like everything I do is just to pass time until he realizes the mistake he made and comes back to me. Even though rationally I know that there is no way of knowing he will ever come back. It is like whether I date, go traveling, bury myself in work or volunteering it is all just to pass the time and make it easier. Nothing makes sense. He never explained anything to me. I wake up everyday with this hurt inside of me and nobody and nothing could make it go away but him. And that is just the reality of my situation. This is exactly how I feel right now. It's so difficult not to do something and think "how will this make her/him feel about me? will this make them want to get back together or drive them away?". Even though none of this stuff matters, you can't help but to think it. I don't think theres an easy fix for it. I think after time you'll realize that we're not asking those questions anymore. We'll start to do things just because WE want to. It doesn't feel like it now, to you OR me, but that's where it's going to go. 3 months may seem like a lot, but don't worry about that. Just take it day by day and don't feel ashamed/embarrassed to be sad for so long. You have a right to be upset, so grieve and take all the time in the world. I feel like a hypocrite for saying that because I'm doing the opposite of all of my advice. Just post on LS a ton and do those things that just "pass the time." I find that I still feel hollow even when I'm hanging out with friends, but it's less so than if I was in bed alone. You won't feel 100% anywhere you go, but 70% is still better than 10%.
strength-abounds Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 You are so right, but I also feel like everything I do is just to pass time until he realizes the mistake he made and comes back to me. Even though rationally I know that there is no way of knowing he will ever come back. It is like whether I date, go traveling, bury myself in work or volunteering it is all just to pass the time and make it easier. Nothing makes sense. He never explained anything to me. I wake up everyday with this hurt inside of me and nobody and nothing could make it go away but him. And that is just the reality of my situation. As cheesy as it sounds, it's never going to make any sense until you have removed yourself from the situation entirely and moved on. It could be years before you understand what happened. Doing things to make a breakup easier is what you need to be doing with the exception of dating (I will engage this topic later). Working until your sick of work, travelling until you can't travel anymore, all of it should be used to help you deal with a breakup. One day your'e going to wake up and see that the working, travelling and voluteering helped you to become a great person that someone fell in love with. A good someone. Dating. Rebounding. They are one in the same. Rebounds do not heal you from a breakup. It is unfair to subject another person to the same pain you are coping with in order for you to try and heal from a breakup. This person will become emotionally committed to you without knowing that you are an emotional vaccuum. Please do yourself and other people a favor and deal with the breakup before dating. It will make for better relationships in the future.
Author nowwhatnow Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 One day your'e going to wake up and see that the working, travelling and voluteering helped you to become a great person that someone fell in love with. This is really beautiful, thank you. I agree with most all of you and your thoughts. And while all responses are filled with hope and sincerity, where I am right now it is hard to see anything good coming from this. I feel like the last 3 months have just been a waste; it is all a blur. I am planning on leaving to get some perspective on the situation. I do not even know anymore if he is the right for me, I just know that I want this hurt to stop. So before I can think about what I what, I need to make this feeling go away. The only issue is, I do not see how by myself I am going to stop the hurt when it is caused by the one person who has rejected me after being in a relationship with me for 2 years. Your thoughts are always welcome, I really appreciate your support!
reknown29 Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 The only issue is, I do not see how by myself I am going to stop the hurt when it is caused by the one person who has rejected me after being in a relationship with me for 2 years. I felt the same way and have similar thoughts creep up still at times. The truth is that NO ONE can stop the hurt except for you! If you are looking for others to help you with the pain, you will find yourself in a rebound relationship or maybe even draining all your friends so they wont want to hang out with you anymore. He left you because it wasnt right for him. If there was true love towards him you could respect the decision and let him go... You and I are both hurt because the person we really love, whether we know it or not, is hurt. That person is ourselves. It is now time to help that person out, like it was your ex (when you were at the height of your relationship). I am trying to focus the blame away from my ex and back on me. It has been hard because she blamed me for the breakup after crushing my heart and dumping me for no apparent reason... She brought up petty argumetns from 8 months prior as the excuse... Despite this, I am finally seeing how I could have seen through the relationship. I am starting to notice the warning signs that were there. At the time I was obliviously in love. I am somewhat addicted to the feeling of romance and it is blinding at times. Correction: Saying that I now blame myself for the breakup is actually wrong because I do not see myself doing things differently if I was to do it over again. It was a necessary relationship for my growth. I will be much more cautious in my next relatinoship and much less shallow. I was with an amzing woman with worldly looks, a once in a lifetime career, extreme intelligence, etc. and I was tied up in this. If I break us down to the core of each of ourselves I can see how it would go bad eventually. We were uncompatible on a deep level. On the surface and to medium depth we were perfect so it is understandable why we were the perfect couple in others eyes, and why we attempted to be together. Maybe it will work out in the future between us but for now I have to focus on myself and NOTHING else. She does not want to work on compromising and either does your ex. ALL that matters now is that you work on yourself and care about nothing else. It may seem selfish but, again, look at it like taking the amount of love you gave him and giving it to yourself. I'm sure there are many things you can love yourself for. You had this man who you apparantly truly loved and he spent time with you and at the very least really liked you. Be happy for what it was, take it as a learning experience adn realize that relationships rarely work out in this day and age. It's uncontrollable not to be down at first, but realize that pining on our exes is completely pointless and helps no one. If there even is a slight chance of getting back, pining will only destroy that chance. Be happy that you now have more time to explore yourself. Take up meditation, excercise, read, etc. Look at it like you just left your taxing job and now you have all the time to spend with you inner child. Enjoy the moments. Bath in the solitude. Give it six months to a year.
dng Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Just... wow. Glad to see you are thinking this thing thru.
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