Break up out of the blue!

[andrew23]

Hi - heres my story.

my girlfriend and I had a very close, passionate, loving and caring relationship for about a year and a half. about 6 weeks ago she left me out of the blue! No real reasons were given.

She started being slightly distant in the week leading up to the break-up, and so i started asking what the problem is, I had to squeeze it out of her. She basically said she is not sure she is "in love" with me anymore but that she still loves me, that its not me that its her, and shes confused and needs some space to figure things out. I was shocked especially as we had a great and very healthy loving relationship throughout the time we were together, and up to a few days before she was still telling me how much she loves me and how I was the best guy she ever had, etc. Then suddenly this change of heart.

I am of course devastated since I thought she was the one.

She is 28 I am 33 - we come from similar backgrounds, have the same goals and ambitions in life, and are very compatible. I have no idea where this is coming from. Perhaps she is looking at the big picture and not sure if I am the one? Most of her close friends are getting married or having kids.. maybe she started to panic...?

After she told me she needed a break i wrote her a long email and said i want to fight for this and that every relationship has its ups and downs, and of course need work. One can't just throw the towel as soon as one person has some doubts... things need to be discussed and worked on.

She wrote back a long a sweet email saying sorry and that she loves me but something inside her tells her its not right, that she needs some time, etc.

I wrote back saying how crushed i am and that i want this to work more than anything but will respect her wish to figure things out and will give her the space she needs - as i want her to be happy.

Can anyone tell me whats going on with her?? I have since then reluctantly avoided all contact (6 weeks now)- whats the best plan of action from here? I want her back and love her more than anything!

Please help...

[GreenPolicy]

Welcome to the club. Your story sounds very similar to mine. One thing I'm finding is that these kinds of situations are not that unordinary:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253770/

 

Like me, you did all you reasonably could. It's been 7 weeks since my breakup and 5 weeks since I mailed her the same kind of reaching out to you kind of letter. She didn't reply in my case.

 

The best thing for now is to continue No Contact and get on with your life. I know what you're going through because I'm in the same boat right now as you. You hate it and you miss her terribly and want her back. It's up to her though. Nothing we say or do in the meantime is going to change their minds. A desire to reconcile has to come from within, you can't talk them into it.

 

So what do you do? Stick to NC. If you love your partner and they don't want to be with you anymore and you think they're making a mistake, then you model what real love is and respect their wishes. She may never come back, but by walking away from the relationship with your dignity and self-respect intact, there is a chance that she might. But you can't wait around for her. You have to assume the breakup is permanent and move on.

 

Like I said, your situation sounds very similar to mine. I didn't get the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line. I got "I don't think I can love you the way you want to be loved or need to be loved." You wonder how this could happen when the breakup is not emotionally consistent with the relationship that preceded it. You wonder how somebody could go from loving you and wanting to share their future together, to discarding you and eliminating you from their life completely. You agonize over knowing that if you never see or talk to each other again, you will never get answers to questions that you have.

 

In my case, I know that she loved me and wanted to get married. When somebody loves you, you can feel it. But she appears to have repeated a relationship pattern from her past (almost always being the dumper and never having a relationship last more than a year). Like you I am hurt that she never came to me with problems in the relationship or things that she was unhappy with and gave me a chance to work together to fix them. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and we both deserved more loyalty and commitment than our exes have shown us. We deserved to be given the opportunity to work on the relationship together before they called it quits.

 

As for what to do now, no further effort should be expended trying to win her back. You give yourself the best chance of reconciling by giving her space and respecting her wishes, and by walking away without begging and pleading to take you back. The work you did was in your relationship, not now after the breakup. It will either pay dividends or it won't. Only time will tell if yours is temporarily in hiatus or over for good. You can be sure that you are forcing her to live with her decision, and you are forcing her to realize what life without you is like. She may never second-guess her decision or come back and you have to be prepared for that. One thing I can tell you is that you will look back on this relationship some day after you have healed, and you will have incredible peace of mind knowing that you did everything you could to make things work, it was not your choice to end it, and you were a wonderful and loving boyfriend to her. If you treated her right and loved her and she made you happy, then there's nothing you could have done differently. She, on the other hand, will have to reckon with leaving such a wonderful guy.

 

Take some time out to heal and grieve the loss of this relationship. The sooner you heal, then the sooner you are emotionally able to be in a committed relationship again. Focus on goals and projects for yourself that give your life meaning and purpose. If she comes back, you have her and your accomplishments. If she doesn't, you have your accomplishments and eventually somebody else more deserving of your companionship. Take some time out to do things that won't be as easy when you're rolling two-deep again.

 

Like you, I love her and miss her deeply, and really want things to work out in the end. But we can't wait around on them. They have let us go, so we need to let them go. They have moved on, so we need to move on. Know that you were a wonderful boyfriend to her, and you can have this again in your life if you do the same things as you did before. Know that you didn't do anything that constituted deal-breaker behavior. If there are aspects of the relationship she's not happy with, she needs to step up and communicate that to you.

 

Good luck.

[whatadeer26]

That is a great post GP. Andrew, My story was also very similar except my Ex is a huge B****. I was given no reason like GP except that "I" changed and it was all "my" fault and then I was ignored. You should give your ex the space and if she realizes her mistake I would be very happy for you. but if not, better yourself like GP has recommended. You will always have that.

 

You can't hold on for a second chance though. Hope will do you no good. I know holding onto hope eases the pain a bit, but it only prolongs the suffering.

 

Our Ex's will never find anyone like us.

[GreenPolicy]

Another thing is that in the immediate aftermath of a breakup, your emotions are all over the place. You're not in an emotionally good place. You don't want them to see you at your most vulnerable when you're not likely to be behaving and acting in an attractive fashion.

 

The dumper is in an emotionally different place than you are. They wanted out, and now they have it and are feeling a sense of relief and freedom. They left the relationship emotionally before you did. In the immediate aftermath, they're probably not thinking very much about you at all. They might at some point in time begin to miss you and really feel your loss from their lives, and you might get The Call. But you have to accept and prepare for the likelihood that they will never second-guess their decision enough to reach out and attempt to reconcile.

[andrew23]

Thanks Green, good points.

I realise that NC is the way forward and everyone tells me thats what you need to do, although its completely counter intuitive.

So my questions is as follows:

Don't you think that one needs to fight for it a little more? Sending an email (like you did) - i read in your thread.. does that perhaps make it clear to her how serious you are about this and want to do everything in your power to make it work? I get scared that by using NC she will think I am totally ok with the break up and not even bothering to fight... will that not send the message that I am not worth returning to? I don't know.... sometimes I have the urge to tell her how I feel.... to find out where the hell this all came from. To give it all...

 

What about discretely speaking to one of her best friends? Is that dangerous? I just need something since right now as i am slipping into a dark hole.

 

I am also scared of "out of sight- out of mind" - meaning if she never sees or hears from me, it makes it easier to forget and move on for her..

 

What do you guys think?

[andrew23]

Also are there any threads where girls who have done this to guys come clean about their motives and emotional issues? Are there examples of girls who did this and realised they messed up and returned to their true love?

[GreenPolicy]

Don't you think that one needs to fight for it a little more?

 

Yes. She does, not you. By breaking up with us, our exes are sending us a message that they did not value the relationship as much as we did. By us wanting to continue our relationships, an imbalance has been created. It's okay to want her back. You're only human. You were not emotionally prepared for it, so you have to adjust to its end on the fly, instead of being able to contemplate whether to stay or go like she did. It was not your decision.

 

You have made your feelings clear by the email you already sent, so no need to contact her any further. I am glad I sent my letter, because we did not have a proper breakup conversation. She didn't give me much of a reason, she didn't answer any of my questions, and she left after 15 minutes, so I didn't get a chance to tell her how I felt in person. But by sending that letter, whether she chose to read it or not, I got to say my piece before we went our separate ways for good.

 

does that perhaps make it clear to her how serious you are about this and want to do everything in your power to make it work? I get scared that by using NC she will think I am totally ok with the break up and not even bothering to fight... will that not send the message that I am not worth returning to? I don't know.... sometimes I have the urge to tell her how I feel.... to find out where the hell this all came from. To give it all...

 

Yes, that's what the purpose of the letter was. In our cases, neither one of us was confronted with problems in the relationship and given an opportunity to fix things that they didn't like and didn't feel satisfied with. I have already played the what if game, and like any dumpee, I am not an innocent victim in that I made mistakes and did things that hurt the relationship. But I was willing to listen to her concerns and feelings and act on any things she wanted to change, if only she had brought them to my attention. A good dumper makes every effort to try and make the relationship work before calling it quits. They communicate and confide in their partner what they need, feel and want to get out of the relationship. A relationship can't run on love alone. Falling back on just your feelings is fine in the honeymoon stage when you're falling in love. A healthy union between people is built upon trust, and not on the perishable and entirely transitory sensation of happiness. Every relationship reaches the disillusionment stage when you realize that your partner is not perfect and there are things about them you don't like. You have to consciously work at loving your partner and nurturing the relationship instead of just relying on your feelings when you reach this point.

 

A bad dumper, on the other hand, does not confide in their partner, and does not confront their partner with dissatisfaction in the relationship. They believe that all that is needed for happiness is to get out of the relationship. In my case, my ex claims to have had feelings that something didn't seem quite right, even though she still loved me (whether she has feelings for me still, I don't know, but I do know that we would not have gotten to the looking at rings and introducing our parents stage if she did not love me and did not want to get married). I don't think she should have ignored those feelings, but I do believe that given the commitment we made to each other, I deserved a little more loyalty and an honest effort to try and make things work before walking away. She obviously felt that was not necessary.

 

We were both good dumpees in that we were open and honest in our feelings and wanted to try and make every effort to save the relationship before calling it quits. We didn't sacrifice our dignity and self-respect in the process either. That needs to be good enough for both of us.

 

What about discretely speaking to one of her best friends? Is that dangerous? I just need something since right now as i am slipping into a dark hole.

 

DO NOT approach her friends or family. This will get back to her, and she will resent your efforts to go behind her back. It sounds to me like you are still very much bargaining. You have to realize that you have done all you reasonably can to get the outcome that you want, and the rest is in her hands.

 

I am also scared of "out of sight- out of mind" - meaning if she never sees or hears from me, it makes it easier to forget and move on for her..

 

What do you guys think?

 

In all honesty, NC is your best bet, no matter what you're after. You should have two main goals: Heal and move on, and conduct yourself in the best possible way to keep the door open to reconciliation if she ever reconsiders. NC helps you achieve both of those goals. You have to shift your focus from the relationship that is no longer alive to finding fulfillment and happiness alone.

 

She is in a different place emotionally as you the dumper: she wanted out and she got it. She believes that this is what she wants and is better for her. You have to give her the space she requested. She won't come back because of the NC. If she comes back, it will be because she misses you, still has feelings for you, and realizes that she under-appreciated you and the relationship. That may never happen. But it certainly won't happen if you continue to dispute ending the relationship.

 

The more you do, the less power you have and the worse it gets for you, both in terms of healing, and confirming to her that she made the right decision to cut you loose. The less you do, the more power you have, both over yourself and your emotions, and also by giving her the space to decide if she really is better off apart. If she can't appreciate you and match your commitment, then you are better off finding somebody else who does.

 

Spend the next few months bettering yourself and healing, not worrying about winning her back. It's natural and human to have hope of getting back together so soon after a loving, committed relationship ends. I am not at the point where I can honestly say that emotionally I have given up hope, but I am working on acceptance, grieving and healing. Reconciliation cannot guide our thought process or actions, or plans for the future.

Edited December 6, 2010 by GreenPolicy

[SimonSerenade]

Damn, Sound's like my situation too, Only I'm 23 and my ex is 20, I tried everything to get her back, She dumped me out of the blue with the exact same excuse, Loves me but not in love with me, Didn't finish me to my face or give me a nice email in return to the one's I sent her though.

 

I tried to get her back for around 6 weeks and failed, Attempted to be her friend for a month and that fell apart as she was taking advantage of my kindness, Now I haven't talked to her for a month and have ignored her 2 attempts so far to contact me, She's the mother of my child and I'll always love her, I thought she was the one but there's literally nothing I can do just like there's nothing you can do, Spare your self respect and cut contact completely and don't break it until you hear the words "I want you back" or something along those lines.

 

It's the best advice I can give and I'm sure many other's would agree, I wouldn't be able to be my ex's friend and after the way thing's ended I don't feel she deserves that peace of mind of having me in her life, I feel most people do this on the edge of a big commitment and feel they have a life to live, A life they can't live when there with somebody, Just got to stick it out and stay loyal, She has the gun at the moment, Don't give her any bullets to hold against you, Take this time to do what you want to do and spend some time reflecting on yourself, It helps, Good luck mate.

[andrew23]

I am also concerned that she has made up her mind and is perhaps to proud or scared to come back begging even if she really wants to.. What are your thoughts?

Its difficult for women, who follow their decisions and feel the need to be consistent with what they decide to give in...

I think she may be worried about hurting my feelings and will only come back if she thinks she wants to marry me.... but all i want is to try and work on it.. if it doesn't work out, at least we gave it our very best. What we had was to beautiful just to throw away after a few weeks of doubt in her system.

AAAAHHHHH why are women so complicated????????

[GreenPolicy]

I am also concerned that she has made up her mind and is perhaps to proud or scared to come back begging even if she really wants to.. What are your thoughts?

Its difficult for women, who follow their decisions and feel the need to be consistent with what they decide to give in...

I think she may be worried about hurting my feelings and will only come back if she thinks she wants to marry me.... but all i want is to try and work on it.. if it doesn't work out, at least we gave it our very best. What we had was to beautiful just to throw away after a few weeks of doubt in her system.

AAAAHHHHH why are women so complicated????????

 

If she wants to get back together, she won't let anything stop her from letting you know how she feels. Love does not take into account a wrong suffered on the part of the dumpee, or excess pride and guilt on the part of the dumper. I wouldn't take my ex back unconditionally if she came back around, because I have self-respect and don't want to get back together without addressing why she left. But out of respect for what we had together, I'd certainly consider it and be willing to give it a go if I heard what I needed to hear and she was willing to go through couples counseling with me. It's her loss if she wants to throw away what you guys had. Don't you think you deserve somebody who appreciates a great thing instead of being unable to cope with ordinary relationship issues?

 

I miss my ex a lot and want things to work out in the end. But you can't wait around for it. Your best bet is to move forward and work on healing and getting yourself together. If she comes back, it will probably be after she's had a chance to miss you and wonders whether or not you've moved on. And in the meantime, you are working on yourself and bettering yourself. That way she comes back to somebody who has his **** together. And if she doesn't come back, you are going to be a better lover for the next person you're with.

 

Treat the demise of the relationship like it's her fault but act on any of your personal weaknesses as if it were yours. Assign her the blame but take the responsibility.

 

A desire to reconcile has to come from within. If I could get an audience with my ex, maybe I could beat her down with logic and reason and get her to agree to get back together, out of self-pity, a sense of obligation, or whatever. But you don't want to get back together and then break up again and get a second dose of heartache. It has to be HER idea, not yours.

 

Stick with NC. I made two gestures post-breakup that went unanswered. There is nothing left for me to do, and there is nothing left for you to do. It sounds like you made it through without begging and pleading to take her back. You got through with your dignity still intact. That pays off in the long run - if you never get back together, you'll look back and not be embarrassed or ashamed at the way you handled the breakup, and if you do get back together, it will be because she missed you and her last memories of you are not acting like a needy wuss.

Edited December 8, 2010 by GreenPolicy

[andrew23]

Thanks guys..

It doesn't seem to get any easier as the weeks pass.. Torture. I am trying to separate myself from her and the relationship, but somehow its deep in my system, and I have no answers to why she just got up and left!

How long should NC last? Sooner or later we will bump into each other...

Wish I knew whether any part of her is regretting this or if she misses me, etc.

I guess sending her a sweet text for New Years eve is a bad move?

[voels]

Out of the blue, for *you*. The dumper has prepared herself emotionally, way before that. Yeah it happens, to me too.

 

No sweet text for New Year. You'll suffer if she does not response.

[Nkognito]

I am not sure about her but Andrew's story is spot on with mine almost quite scary to think of it but these are the patterns that some girls have. I am guessing when the reality stage hits in then they get cold feet.

 

Nevertheless I have been doing fine without my ex but I do miss her. I called her a few months one Monday morning around 10am because she was stuck in my head for some reason. Of course it went to voicemail and I left a message basically asking how she was, how was her mom, how was the adoption process and that she was in my head for some reason.

 

I never got a call or text back. Am I hurt by it? Not at all, I am doing my rebound thing so I have girls on the side to keep me occupied. I can sit around and question myself to death, I can picture her with other guys doing all sorts of bad things but in the end I realize its just me beating myself up and thats not healthy as homebrew would point out.

 

So I get up, dust myself off and put one foot forward. Sooner of later she will think of me because she won't find anyone like me and when she does, I am almost sure something will happen that will make her regret not trying it with me first. Is that bitter of me? Maybe but then again I wasn't the one who gave up. She let me down, so no hard feelings but as Don Ho would point out, "you only get one chance with a woman" and she had her one chance with me.

[GreenPolicy]

Thanks guys..

It doesn't seem to get any easier as the weeks pass.. Torture. I am trying to separate myself from her and the relationship, but somehow its deep in my system, and I have no answers to why she just got up and left!

How long should NC last? Sooner or later we will bump into each other...

Wish I knew whether any part of her is regretting this or if she misses me, etc.

I guess sending her a sweet text for New Years eve is a bad move?

 

Breaking NC before they contact you is a big no-no. Every time they contact you before you contact them lowers your value.

[HopeisallIhave]

Listen man I know what youre going thorugh. Just know you are not alone and others, like me!!, are going throuhg the exact same thing right now. And its a trillion times worse around the holidays!! Seeing all the couples out there jolly and merry...ahhhhh! Just joined today, 12 years man, 12 years. Read my post youll see what Im going through. I posted but I also wanted to read others posts and if they are hurting to let them know they are not alone. My heart goes out to you. I'm a mess right now and am in postion to give advice but just stay strong like I am trying to alright?

 

And by the way...WE WILL GET THE LOVE OF OUR LIVES BACK!!!! NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES, OR HOW MUCH IT HURTS!!! WE WILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[GreenPolicy]

I am not sure about her but Andrew's story is spot on with mine almost quite scary to think of it but these are the patterns that some girls have. I am guessing when the reality stage hits in then they get cold feet.

 

Nevertheless I have been doing fine without my ex but I do miss her. I called her a few months one Monday morning around 10am because she was stuck in my head for some reason. Of course it went to voicemail and I left a message basically asking how she was, how was her mom, how was the adoption process and that she was in my head for some reason.

 

I never got a call or text back. Am I hurt by it? Not at all, I am doing my rebound thing so I have girls on the side to keep me occupied. I can sit around and question myself to death, I can picture her with other guys doing all sorts of bad things but in the end I realize its just me beating myself up and thats not healthy as homebrew would point out.

 

So I get up, dust myself off and put one foot forward. Sooner of later she will think of me because she won't find anyone like me and when she does, I am almost sure something will happen that will make her regret not trying it with me first. Is that bitter of me? Maybe but then again I wasn't the one who gave up. She let me down, so no hard feelings but as Don Ho would point out, "you only get one chance with a woman" and she had her one chance with me.

 

Hey I'm in Dallas too. I live in North Oak Cliff.

[andrew23]

The uncertainty is tough. I keep telling myself the ball is in her court, and IF it will work out between us, it certainly needs to come from her.

The courting and chasing approach, and fighting for the one you love most likely won't work.

(although it worked with my sister and her husband - he didn't let go... like a terrrier, and now theyre happy and married w 3 kids)

[PegNosePete]

Yes don't do the courting/chasing thing (better known as "doormat"). You need to keep your dignity and self-esteem. No texts or cards or calls for Christmas or new year (sweet or otherwise).

 

But as I said in your other thread, I think in your situation, you need to know what is going on. You're currently in limbo, hanging onto threads of hope that one day she will come back to you. I would send her a message asking what is going on. Not courting/chasing but confidently asking what's up. Such as "It's been 2 months now, is our break permanent? Let me know so I can move on". Then if you get no reply you know it's over. If you get an indecisive or still thinking reply, you know it's over. If you get a let's be friends reply you know it's over. In fact anything other than I'm sorry I want you back, and you know it's over.

 

There are no prizes for staying in NC the longest and no rules for how long to do it, it's just to make you feel better. Which will help you get over the pain in the most efficient way? Staying NC and constantly wondering if she's going to come back for the next 6 months, then having 6 months of grieving? Or breaking NC and knowing for sure that she's not coming back, so you can get on with the grieving part straight away? I'd choose the latter.

[andrew23]

Hi Guys, thought I'd give you an update.

Its been 6 months now and I somehow feel as devasted (or if not even more) than day 1. Probably because its becoming clear she won't come back.

 

She has reached out a number of times with texts, emails and calls, but nothing to say I'm sorry - I want you back. Its been more like testing the waters for friendship etc. It kills me.

 

I was thinking about sending her one last love letter explaining my feelings, since I have been mostly NC or very limited contact over the past 6 months - infact we only ever saw each other once at a party briefly, and spoke once on the phone.

 

I love her like crazy, want to marry her and am absolutely destroyed without her. What can I do? I tried to let go but can't!! Is reaching out to her one last time professing my love for her a mistake?

 

On the other hand I could just play it cool, slowly let her back into my life as a friend and see if she falls for me again..

 

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

x

A

[PegNosePete]

She has reached out a number of times with texts, emails and calls, but nothing to say I'm sorry - I want you back.

That is not "reaching out". That is ego boosting, attention seeking, self justification. Ignore it.

 

I was thinking about sending her one last love letter explaining my feelings

Have your feelings changed since you last told her? No? So what would a letter achieve? I'll tell you what... sweet Foxtrot Alpha.

 

I love her like crazy, want to marry her

Dude for f*cks sake. Why on earth do you want to marry someone who treats you like that? Get some self respect man. Marrying this woman would be the WORST thing that could possibly happen in your life. You might not see it but trust me, it is.

 

What can I do? I tried to let go but can't!!

NC

 

Is reaching out to her one last time professing my love for her a mistake?

Yes it is a stupid waste of time. It only works in the movies. If she wanted you back then she would be at your door.