Understanding my Husband!

[AVR1962]

We have been married 18 years, I persued him and while he seemed happy in the beginning and as long as I continued to play his game to persue him, he was in his glory. After years of not feeling any reciprication....most times he'd just sit in front of the TV or computer and if I asked for help he would do it but was only doing anything because I would ask. The care of the kids was my responsibility, he did not even mow the grass for many years. he worked at his career and I did everything else. He seemed happiest hanging out with his buddies drinking than he was at home with his family.

 

I finally decided to stop catering to what I felt was a very selfish, self absorbed man. I quit prostituting myself to him as that is exactly what it felt like. He has just become sulky and withdrawn. Last time I dressed up to go out all these very lude and disgusting remarks came out of his mouth and in his drunken stuper he wanted to have sex, I felt awful and did not follow thru. It seems this is all he sees me as, an object to store his sperm. There is no intimacy in it anymore. He is not loving towards me otherwise. he's always gocking at other women, something he's done our whole marriage.

 

At the same time I feel trapped. For many years I have just tried to ignore his moods and go on with my business because if I do ask he either evades the question or blames me.

 

I don't feel there is anything left and this really isn't what I want. I feel our relationship has been very one-sided and that he does not care but the times I have talked about leaving and going our seperate ways because of all this he begs me to stay.

 

I don't know what to do anymore.

[blizzard]

Oh wow...I know exactly what you are going through. Unfortunately, my marriage is pretty well at it's end.

 

My H and I have been married 9yrs, and dated 6 years prior to that. I chased him when we met. He wanted to be friends with bennies for so long. At his convience. This continued for years later. After 6 years of dating, I gave him ultimatum...marry me or I will leave. Well, he couldn't "afford" a ring right away, so he bought a new car and band equipment instead. Finally, he took me to pick out my ring because "he wanted me to like it because I have to wear it." That's what he would want. So we married. And things never got any better. Only worse. Much like your H, he doesn't understand emotion or intimacy either. He never did. So sex was sex. I was left feeling like a "prositute" as well. There has been no love, tenderness to initiate sex...just disrespect, disrepectful words that kill your self- esteem as "tender, loving" woman. I recall a year ago, I dressed for an interview...racing around in my "skimmies" and stockings. He looked at me and said, "you look like a stripper."

Not, you are beautiful...or sexy.

 

I finally had enough one day. It came on suddenly, but in my mind I had left long ago. I initiated a seperation with the advice of our MC. He balked it. Stalled it. Fought me. It was enough. Seven months later I asked for a divorce. Once again, he stalled. Saying lets get through the holidays, birthdays...etc all have come and gone. We are financially tapped out. Then, there are our kids that every ounce of me doesn't want to hurt.

 

I ended up having an affair because I longed for love. He verbally diced me to pieces. Many don't realize verbal abuse doesn't have to be profanity...but men like my husband are very manipulative in what they say. My self -esteem and self -confidence was at it's LOWEST ever. The affair was wrong million ways...but right in only one. It validated how much tenderness, warmth, touch I had been missing. How much of an emotional bond my H and I never had. So now I am having to pick up the pieces of my life. Which has once again placed our divorce on hold. I am seeing an IC counselor to deal with letting go of him...our marriage and stepping into the abyss. Just having the self confidence to break loose of all that has stolen my life...who I am.

 

If you are anything like me, these men change you over time. I woke up one day wondering who I was...and what had I become. Loved ones wondered what happened to the loving woman that hugged and was open about her feelings. Why had she become so miserably depressed, unhappy. Chained to cleaning house all day...busying herself. I will never forget my dad telling me "I miss the way you used to joke...your smile." I could go an entire day without holding my child! This is not me. This is not who I am. But over time, this is what I had become. I had become "him." He had won. I stopped trying to hold him. Love him. I stopped asking him to tell me "I love you." I no longer asked him to hold my hand. To spend time with me. To help me.

 

In IC, I am also trying to understand why I married him. Why I chased. As a person, what was I lacking to feel so needy. Why I put up with what I did. My counselor finds alot of control in my husband. And selfish, immaturity.

 

I have a thread on seperation forum. At a stand still...you may find some similarities.

Edited December 6, 2010 by blizzard

[PandorasBox]

Its time for you to take care of you. I would go to IC for yourself and hopefully they can help shed some light on whats best.

[AVR1962]

Blizzard, you described everything I have been thru and have been feeling as well. I am a reader and have read on why women choose emotional unavailable men which is exactly what my husband is. He is also a a passive-aggressive and has to have the control. When I see something in writing and I can identify I get so excited as I see there may be an answer or light at the end of the tunnel, I shar ewith my husband and get a "hum bug" response and that where it all dies time after time.

 

I just finished reading "Your Erroneous Zones" by Dr Wayne W Dyer, a wonderful eye-opening book. Pages 243-249 let about the "typical marriage" and describes us and our marriages completely. We are not alone in this, I have a good friend who recently divorced after 21 years of marriage, same thing.

 

Where is your blog?

[hoping2heal]

There is reason they say "actions speak louder than words". It is the one cliche anectdote that is never wrong.

 

You stay with your husband because he begs you to stay if you tell him you want to leave. Yet, you spend your entire marriage completely and totally alone. I'm not sure what it is you are not understanding.

 

The thing is, there are certain people you can be vulnerable with and they won't exploit you. Then there are people like your husband. Who take your trust and use it to keep you strung along in a situation like this for umpteen years. He doesn't treat you right but you know that already. Not every man is like that. There are many good men who you can be kind and loving towards and you know what? They will be kind and loving right back. They will treat you special and with affection because they appreciate you and they cherish you. As long as you treat them with respect and decency - they have no problem returning it.

 

You are probably so used to this routine by now you don't even realise how wonderful it feels to be loved, cherished, treated special, and be close and personal with another man.

[AVR1962]

Hoping2heal, you are right and I know you are right. I have been saying the very same words since before we even married and I find myself still holding on to something that is not giving, does not feel mutual and never has. I have been reading and I think I have a few traps in the way.....one, we have a child still at home and I don't want to tear here world up with a divorce. This is my second marriage and I saw what divorce did to my older children. Also, I predict my husband will become very vendictive and I will lose even the friendship that we have shared for 21 years. And I guess lastly while I know there are men out there that can be very giving and kind, I just wonder if it can last.

[xxoo]

And I guess lastly while I know there are men out there that can be very giving and kind, I just wonder if it can last.

 

Yes, of course it can last. I've been married about the same time as you, and our relationship is very loving, giving, and intimate.

 

But to be brutally honest, that isn't going to happen for you with a new man until you do the work to figure out how and why you choose the men you do. Forget trying to understand your husband--focus on trying to understand you. How did you get here, and where do you want to be? What relationship habits have you learned in this marriage that you need to unlearn in order to have a loving, healthy relationship?

 

I hope that, if you don't leave, you can come to a place of apathy about this man and this marriage and focus on yourself. Nurture and develop your interests; bloom where you are planted. Remember that a healthy relationship requires TWO healthy individuals. Work on getting yourself emotionally healthy, so that you'll be prepared to be a part of a healthy relationship at some point in the future.

[AVR1962]

Thanks for your reply XXOO! I actually have been trying to figure out how I got to where I am and I am trying to figure out how to change. Perhaps you're right, start with myself and let the rest fall into place.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Not too sure if I have much too add, but I know how your husband feels are far as him feeling like he is the center of your universe... Then, as time shows he is human and has faults, the attraction gradually wanes.

 

Relationships mature and change with time. He has to accept it, and stop looking at you for his self worth. I firmly believe that most men equate sex with love. In other words he feels most loved when you are sexually intimate with him. And he should. When you are vulnerable, and openly share your body with him in that way, he feels worthy, and alive. Without he is depressed and will sink further and further into a funk...

 

I am sure he has much to improve before the relationship will return to intimacy. But you cannot wait on him to change and improve. Work on yourself. Many women that find themselves at the place where you are, end up growing out of the marriage. One of the first steps in working on yourself is to determine what you would truly like the outcome to be. Assuming his change will be slow and not necessarily up to your expectation(s), are you willing to do a larger portion of the work to keep the marriage together? Get this all figured out, then and make sure you begin with the end in mind.

 

I wish you the best of luck. It will not be easy if you end up moving away from the marriage, nor if you move towards oneness. But I feel that if the two of you are willing to work on it and change for the better, the rewards will be far greater to stay as one, than moving on seperately.

 

Good Luck!

[Texsun65]

So this man works hard at his career to provide for his family and he comes home every night and you are pissed cause he doesn't do the laundry and mow the yard. Hire someone to do it and get over yourself. Are you working as well?

[dreamingoftigers]

I have had an emotionally checked out and unintimate marriage for 5 years now. I have only recently discovered a few things:

 

You can't resent someone if you are willingly giving that which you don't expect back.

 

That means that you have been giving and putting energy into your marriage and having unfulfilled expectations. A lot of men (not even the majority so calm down everyone, and women too of course) are kind of retarded when it comes to the give and take with women.

 

I am not talking bandaid here but you aren't giving yourself enough, or possibly anything at all. If you are not giving yourself any joy, you can't expect someone else to come in a give it to you.

 

Your daughter needs to see you give yourself joy first.

 

My husband asked to end our relationship because my expectations of him being remorseful over his infidelity (and sexual addiction that he wasn't working at) and by trying to prioritize our relationship and maybe read some books etc were too much. Especially because I would be depressed or angry or the whole thing. I felt that he had insanely large expectations of me that I could never reach. He criticized my every move and I grew to absolutely hate him.

 

The month previous he put in a huge effort to try to change things, started working his program harder, reading the books with me, doing more around the house instead of just bitching at me. You think that you would be happy with someone who made some changes like that. Guess what? All you get is irritated and pissed off. You think, |why did this take so long?" "He must just be doing this to prove something" and finally "oh so maybe he is changing, but it isn't going to last."

 

The only thing that has had any effectiveness is realizing that I am not happy. Realizing that my husband is a douchebag hasn't gotten me anywhere. Trying to address the issue of his douchebaggedness hasn't gotten me anywhere. If he doesn't have a problem being a douchebag, why would he bother changing? I actually know he has a problem with acting that way, but his bigger problem day to day was his wife reading him a laundry list of all of the ways he has hurt her and failed her and how it was pretty overwhelming.

 

Since I realized that the problem is that _I_ am not happy, I stopped trying to meet his happiness needs and started meeting my own. Who do I want to become? I want to be beautiful, healthy and desired. I have started working on that. It has nothing to do with him. I will not change or avoid changing because of him. _I_ want things to be different. I am never giving up control of my own happiness again.

 

What I had the joy of discovering was that by giving up on reaching his picky, griping, expectations, I felt immediate relief. I didn't have to worry about his reactions. If he wanted to stare or gawk at other women, it doesn't really matter because I am not worried about meeting those expectations anymore, they take a backseat.

 

The second thing that happened was he started being happier and started wanting to be around me more. He also started acting happier. His recovery effort increased, he became more productive, he stopped talking about seperating. A happy spouse is an attractive spouse.

 

 

 

I truly hope that you take control of your own happiness too. As much as your husband may be a dork, that doesn't mean he enjoys living with this depression and anger day to day. People who don't feel good about themselves (and trust me your husband doesn't) try to suck the happiness out of others, and leave nothing for anyone around them.

 

I also talked with a divorce busting coach and it was worth every single penny. I hope to keep going with the process. I also hope that you would consider looking at The Divorce Remedy.

 

Divorcing may reduce the day to day struggle with him but you won't feel any happier about yourself. And yes it will damage your kid. Of course it will, I always wonder why people say it won't.

[Tethys]

Not too sure if I have much too add, but I know how your husband feels are far as him feeling like he is the center of your universe... Then, as time shows he is human and has faults, the attraction gradually wanes.

 

Relationships mature and change with time. He has to accept it, and stop looking at you for his self worth. I firmly believe that most men equate sex with love. In other words he feels most loved when you are sexually intimate with him. And he should. When you are vulnerable, and openly share your body with him in that way, he feels worthy, and alive. Without he is depressed and will sink further and further into a funk...

 

I am sure he has much to improve before the relationship will return to intimacy. But you cannot wait on him to change and improve. Work on yourself. Many women that find themselves at the place where you are, end up growing out of the marriage. One of the first steps in working on yourself is to determine what you would truly like the outcome to be. Assuming his change will be slow and not necessarily up to your expectation(s), are you willing to do a larger portion of the work to keep the marriage together? Get this all figured out, then and make sure you begin with the end in mind.

 

I wish you the best of luck. It will not be easy if you end up moving away from the marriage, nor if you move towards oneness. But I feel that if the two of you are willing to work on it and change for the better, the rewards will be far greater to stay as one, than moving on seperately.

 

Good Luck!

 

Forgive me if I misread the original poster, but I think she said that there never was much intimacy, so there's not going to be anything to "go back to". Shes Not InLove, I think you're over-estimating how much this guy is invested emotionally.

[Tethys]

Very interesting post, dreamingoftigers. I was going to say that I see myself in the first 2 posters' husbands (and I may still print out their posts and show them to my therapist so she can understand what's wrong with me), but what dreaming said is somehow universal to all marriages--you can't put the expectations of marriage on someone else, you have to take responsibility of yourself. That seems like a golden rule of marriage. Well done, dreaming.

[goingstrong]

Avr, dreamingwithtigers posts are very good and she has a very good perspective on people's problems. Did you notice how she gave advice without being a "yes" man, or jumping on the hate your husband bandwagon? She gave an example of her husband and how she is dealing with it.

 

Now, I am going to play the other side here and state that you're only posting your side of the story...of course, since you are not him...but I find it hard to believe that he is as bad as the way you make him sound. You married him initially and there had to be some reason that you were attracted to him, or he was the way he was, and you thought you could change him.The purpose of that statement is to get you to look at your marriage objectively as you can. There are 3 sides to this...yours, his, and an objective one.

[AVR1962]

Thanks for the wonderful replies! Daily I have been reminding myself to do what I want, to seek my own happines, to focus on myself and it has helped alot. I visited a friend out of town and had so much fun, I think my husband saw my happiness and was envious. One of my daughters and grandchild came to visit.....I could see my husband getting all pouty and withdrawing but I just let it be and enjoyed my time with them.

 

To clerify, I have been the one to seek any intimacy in the marriage, even when we were dating 21 years ago. He's made a billion excuses, all of which I am tired of. I have not felt loved by him.....not only is he not affectionate but he rarely says a kind word to me. He is always in his world......plugged into the computer, watching TV. When the kids were at home he would ignore them if they asked him a question, would not even acknowledge that they were speaking. His dad is the same way. And yes, I work.....I am a music instructor! I work with children and love what I do. That's where a huge portion of my feel-good feelings come from.....my students and their parents have been wonderfully supportive of my work and have been very good at expressing their feelings towards me. My husband is extremely lazy, and to keep from fighting I have ended up doing most everything involving the house and yard. My daughters have said I spoiled their dad.....not intentionally, I just didn't want to fight. I do so miss having someone interested in me, and now with all but one (5 total) of the kids out of the house I realize I surrounded myself in the kids, family, home as I wasn't getting anything positive (loving) from my husband. When we were dating I asked him several times if he wanted to be with me because most the time he acted like he could care less. I always felt if I didn't pursue the relationship he would not persue me and I really think I am right. He claims this is the way he always has been, that his first wife persued him too. Quite honestly I don't think he'd be different with anyone else either. His way of trying to mesmorize a woman is with his humor, once he gets the girl then it's all done. I think the only thing he wants from me now is sex but I am supposed to persue him for it.....done playing those games. I have a life and I am not going to wait for him to decide I am worth being loving towards.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

If he has not been reciprocating intimacy from the beginning years, then shame on your for taking this long to take this position! If it has faded away over the years that is not uncommon in long term marriages... This can be worked through, if both partners wish to correct it.

 

The one thing that struck me, your daughters said you spoiled him out of avoiding conflict... The more and more I read and understand about this (I am EXACTLY the definition of conflict-avoidant, and I later burst out about it after stuffing more and more and more 'til I can't take it), it's seems to be a relationship cancer... Spoiling the other partner to avoid arguing leads to, at some point, very heavy and real resentments.

 

I am still not sure what your desired end result is. Begin with the end in mind. Do you want to make this work if it’s workable?

 

Goingstrong made an excellent point… there are multiple points of view here. Yours, your husbands and a more realistic 3rd point of view, the objective one.

 

Best of luck to you. Keep doing the things that build you up and make you strong. Just decide now, based on the current situation, if that’s to eventually be on your own, or if you want him to be by your side.