Trapped?

[Delwyn]

I posted the basics of my story on here a while ago. Ends up everything was worse than I thought. She was lying more than I could have dreamed. She wasn't acting herself. She really betrayed me and the family, but now she is back to "normal" and we are seeing a marriage counselor. I'm not normal. I'm out of my mind. I'll never be normal.

 

The only reason I stayed with her in the first place was the kids, but I couldn't afford a divorce after we went on a vacation to her brother's wedding and tried to reconnect. I tried to have hope that we could and we did a bit. I saw all the things we would be missing out on with each other and then that made me mad that she couldn't have thought of those things after her first "oops" cheating. Instead she was confused and ashamed and felt she was going to hell anyway so she went back to him like an addict. Even after I found out, she managed to go back to him a few more times before it ended, and before it ended she slept with another guy as well, whom she had made out with but not had sex with until the end of her craziness. It all only lasted a month and a half but it hurt like hell and I've been dealing with it since then and barely able to function well at work.

 

I'm staying with her for the kids, and because I have hope of loving her just as much as before. I'm really trying and I do love her, but I don't like what she did. I can't believe that she is the same person who did those things. I'm in massive denial about it and I'm hoping I can get over it.

 

The problem is that I'm still out of my mind and angry and upset and moody. I've been thinking of divorce now even thought I've committed to her. When she had finally broken loose and was willing to come forth and tell me the details through many tears I told her I wanted a divorce and she broke down physically shaking. She held on to me and cried and promised never to do it again and said it was like in When Harry met Sally, that men and women can't be friends without the physical and that she'd never have guy friends again and she would never sneak behind my back with things again. I want to believe her. Let's say I do and she will never betray me again.

 

I've never cheated on her and the only time I've sorta come close to it, I told her about (it almost happened in Japan 15 years ago), but even she says that from my honest description of the events and environment I was in that it sounds like I was nowhere close to cheating on her. I've never cheated. I've always been a good boy. I had never even been to a strip club before in my life until this stuff happened and I'm almost 40. I almost wish I could still say that I haven't, but it's too late. Pandora's box is open. She cheated and now I've forever insane. She was only the second woman I had ever been with. The first was only twice, and I've had no other for my whole marriage and life. She wishes she could change what happened. She feels remorse beyond what I had hoped for...but I can't take it!

 

How can I divorce her now? I want to. I'm thinking more and more of it everyday. I want to start over, but we've four kids and LOTS of debt. We can't afford a divorce lawyer and I sure can't afford alimony or child support. I'm in the military so she would probably get the kids. One kid is autistic and needs care. I can't believe she jeopardized all this for her fling!! We just set up the Xmas tree and it pains me to think that she was throwing this away too!! This family time! I can't believe I've held on like I have, but the kids know nothing about it. I can't believe that I do still really love her, but I'm questioning that now, because maybe I'm just scared to be alone? I want to divorce her and run away from it....she is perfect for me in every other way, but she did these things with two different men and this should never have happened. If anything it should have stopped after the first time. I can somewhat understand a drunken "oops" but not what this turned into.

 

So...I'm sure I'll get other advice, and now that I think of it, maybe I want other advice too, but what I really want to know is if there is any sane way to divorce her without going broke, bankrupt, and destroying the financial "security" of my kids? I really want to end this marriage and move on with ~my~ life. I've thought about suicide briefly, but I can't do that...I just really want to die and fade away...but that won't happen. I've got to go on living and I won't compromise MY integrity by cheating back at her, but I am thinking about making it look like I have,,,hell, I'll probably chicken out of that too. I have considered cheating on her, but it isn't me. I just want a divorce and I want to live. This isn't life...it's a slow painful death.