Betrayal bonds and the knight in shining armour syndrome.

[Am So 5crewed]

Oh my gosh! Around a year ago I caught my gf having a deeply emotional relationship with another guy. And then discovered that this was not the first time this had happened. And they kissed, even shared beds! Obviously I was deeply hurt, I felt that my trust in her had been shattered. And I then find out that she has lied about many other things including accepting gifts from her abusive ex. Some of these gifts cost +$1000!

She swore that 'nothing had happened', that she 'was drunk', and that she would never do anything like that again.

We are still together! Though I am not happy in the relationship.

I have known for a while that 'something' is wrong with me. ie; why did I accept her excuses?, And even more to the point why did I try to continue a relationship with a girl like this? I honestly couldn't understand why I would continue. I may not be a stud or billionaire but I am reasonably good looking *ahem*, I have a good income, and have always found it easy to mix and make friends. The burning question is why I didnt walk out when it all started turning bad? Obviously there were heaps of warning signs and things slowly got worse. I have been trying to analyze my decision making process, that I must admit has been unusably poor in this situation.

The bare bones go like this;

I fell in love with her and whisked her away from an abusive relationship and treated her like the princess I thought she was. And then it all went sour.

After much soul searching, self analysis and with the help of google I found 2 syndromes that I had been unaware of but explain my situation perfectly. The first is "knight in shing armor syndrome" http://ezinearticles.com/?Knight-in-Shining-Armor-Syndrome&id=478699

and the second is "betrayal bonds" http://ezinearticles.com/?Knight-in-Shining-Armor-Syndrome&id=478699

I just thought that this may apply to some of the posters here and hope that maybe this info will help even one person not make the same mistakes as I.

And the harder issue is how do I remove myself from the position I am now in? Unfortunately a child is now involved! It is/was all my own fault. I was a fool and ignored the signs. And now I have to pay the price. But how do I end this? Don't forget that I have a misplaced sense of loyalty. For example (I know this is insane) but I dont want to let her down and her friends think that she is a loser because she got dumped and is now a single mom.

As my user name suggests I am so 5crewed.

And 'no' I am not looking for sympathy or anything else, just some space to vent and hopefully inform other people of these 'syndromes'. If anyone had any constructive advice or has been through a similar situation it would be interesting to hear not only your experiences but how you dealt with it.

[road]

All the signs you have given point to her sleeping around on you.

 

What guy gives thousand dollar gifts if he's not getting into her pants?

 

You could her kissing others.

 

She has shared beds. Come on you think that's all they did?

 

Get a paternity test, pray its not yours and then dump her.

[Woggle]

If men could get rid of knight in shining armour syndrome we would have much less problems. It should be a must that any woman has her head together before a man gets involved with her.

[Bryanp]

You are only screwed because you are allowing yourself to be screwed. You are very analytical which is good. Time to move on. Wouldn't it be nice to be with a new woman who truly loves and respects you? Wouldn't it be nice to have a girlfriend who does not cheat on you and put your health at risk for STD's? Do you honestly believe that she is the only woman in the world you could fine and be with? From what you describe I think you would have to be somewhat masochistic to stay in this relationship. Why are you settling? Why don't you believe you deserve better. It is time to stop being played a fool. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. Enough is enough!

[Untouchable_Fire]

And the harder issue is how do I remove myself from the position I am now in? Unfortunately a child is now involved! It is/was all my own fault. I was a fool and ignored the signs. And now I have to pay the price. But how do I end this? Don't forget that I have a misplaced sense of loyalty. For example (I know this is insane) but I dont want to let her down and her friends think that she is a loser because she got dumped and is now a single mom.

 

I get how you feel. A good chunk of this is that you still want her to see you as this awesome guy.

 

Best solution is to just tell her you can't get over the cheating. You've tried a million ways over X amount of time and you just can't get over what SHE did. So you feel that you need to end it.

[Am So 5crewed]

Unfortunately I didn't even know what Knight in Shining armor syndrome was until a few weeks ago......man, I feel like a total jerk. And of course when I dug the hole I never thought that I would have to climb out or I would of put a ladder in.

[karnak]

I honestly don't buy the "knight in shining bla bla bla".

 

Sure, a relationship with a seriously messed-up person has lots of risks of failing. Yet, if you take the trouble of reading some LS threads, you'll notice that lots of cases of infidelity involve women who apparently are very level-headed, cool and down-to-earth. I say "apparently" because some of them can be psychos in disguise. But I think most are really cold, calculating women.

 

I also think everyone (to a certain degree) has some emotional issues or psychological problems, so finding a person without issues is like finding a needle in a haystack.

[Am So 5crewed]

@ Untouchable fire. Of course you are right. But the common sense part of the equation isn't strong enough to fight against the 'syndromes'. Now that I am aware of why I found it so hard to leave I must admit that I feel much happier within myself. Kind of an acceptance, like Buddha would if he ever had to split with a chick. But, seriously, I am now so far in, 2 yrs, that it is almost impossible to leave. I have tried before I had this epiphany. And it feels kind of lame to suddenly bring up stuff that happened a year ago that I was trying to get over. But the truth of the matter is that I am not over it, I dont trust her, and it makes me paranoid and suspicious. Emotions that I really dont enjoy. Though she promised she never slept with anyone else despite sharing the bed, though of course she promised that no other dudes had crashed at her pad and it turned out that 3 had inc her ex!! I must admit that I believe she hasn't banged anyone but if I am objective then I would have to say that I want to believe it which of course is totally different. hahahaha, I mean, really, to see it written down like that in black and white makes me feel like a bigger fool than I do already. Of course she has banged other dudes. It is not possible that 3 dudes crash at your place and 'nothing' happened....is it? And all the times she stayed away at their place. Get this one afternoon she went out for a BBQ for 1 1/2 hours and didn't get home until the next morning!!

Good grief, I am a fu**ing idiot aren't I.....I am ashamed of how I have been so blind. And there is no way I could of admitted any of that to someone face to face, so thanks for the internet eh??

[Am So 5crewed]

It has just dawned on me that a) I am mostly talking to myself here which I actually think is kind of interesting because it enables me to think outside the situation and b) that Knight in Shining Armour syndrome is actually and incorrect expression as it is more of a paradox than a syndrome.

[wicar1]

Dude, you should have dumped her before, Atleast dump her now. She can/will cheat again. Do a paternity test on the child. Make sure the child is yours.

 

Duh? why cant people dump their cheating partner. Is it so hard... By staying with them you are opening new doors for future problems.

 

Accept it. A cheater is a filthy low life. Just get away from him/her.

[imagine]

Test her undies with something like "CheckMate". Google it. This with take all the guess work out of the equation.

[aerogurl87]

1) She cheated on you plain and simple. I'm not buying the whole "we just kissed and slept in the same bed" story.

2) She didn't own up to what she did, so she's not remorseful whatsoever.

3) Get a paternity test (kid probably isn't yours).

4) I suffered from white knight syndrome with my ex boyfriend and the only way to free yourself of it is to get rid of the person causing it and go no contact. No if, ands, or buts.

5) You deserve better.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Good grief, I am a fu**ing idiot aren't I.....I am ashamed of how I have been so blind. And there is no way I could of admitted any of that to someone face to face, so thanks for the internet eh??

 

Who controls your life... you? or some syndrome?

 

Look... you can have someone better... you just need to want it more than you want to indulge your issues.

 

The more you mentally feed the syndrome by allowing yourself to have those thoughts the less your going to be able to function as a real human.

 

I don't care if you have to rock back and forth in the corner listening to Death Metal music... but you need to keep that anger at the forefront of your mind. That is going to give you the strength you need to leave.

[paleblue]

she sounds like what us guys affectionately call, damaged goods. there’s no fixing her. she will just keep repeating the same patterns over and over.

 

shared the same bed but nothing happened?? phhhffffttt, give me break. wake up bro. she had sex with him. you are not that naïve. she had sex with him and then came back to your place and had sex with you.

 

this isn’t the first deeply emotional relationship she has had?? stick around… it wont be the last…. there will be another and another….

 

there is no easy way out of this. you cant make her disappear like flipping a light switch. its going to be crazy. if you feel this strongly about moving on (which you probably should from the sounds of it), you are just going to have to man up and tell her this isn’t working for you. you already have all the ammo you need, emotional affairs, sleeping in beds, kissing other guys, accepting gifts from exes. I mean give me a break. does she have to F him in front of you? this one is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. the longer it goes on , the worse its going to become for you. believe me, I understand, easier said than done.

 

your other option is to wait until you get dumped for another guy. but then you will feel like a tool box. so nope, your only opportunity to get out of this with some dignity intact is to make a pre-emptive strike. boot her now. or just be a tool box.