Meeting girls while out on your own

[U1987]

They say that meeting people to date is a social activity, but I gotta be honest, it's been getting harder for me. Bit by bit, my social circle has been steadily shrinking. Due to financial constraints, I've been a part time student my entire time in college, which means it'll take me longer to graduate. Most of my friends have graduated and moved away. Others just drifted apart as we had less and less time for each other.

 

I don't have many friends left. I'm not getting invited out much anymore, and I don't have anyone to invite out. Most people would become shut ins, but I hate staying at home. I'm always out and about; when I'm not at work or in class, I'm eating out, hanging out in cafes, bookstores, bars, clubs, etc.

 

They say "go out" as a remedy for singledom but to be honest, I've been out every day for years and it's very very rarely that I meet a girl just from "going out." When you're out on your own, it's hard to feel motivated to speak to that pretty girl who just passed you on the street or is looking at cereal in aisle 4. What do you do when you don't have someone there to motivate or dare or challenge you? What do you have to fall back on if things go south?

 

Also, when you don't speak to friends for a long time, it's easy to forget how to, I guess you would say, "speak" in general; you become a lot less smooth or come up with witty, social convo on the spot.

 

All I want to know is, when you're out on your own, how do you break out of that shell? What can you do and say to start a conversation with that girl who walked passed you in the mall or is browsing in the super market or is sitting on the couch in the student center?

 

(and please don't say "just say hi")

[runner]

how do you break out of that shell?

 

get involved in as many fullfilling social activities as you possibly can reducing your lonesome idle time. yes, granted we all need downtime for ourselves, even if just for a couple hours a day, but not to the point where you become reclusive, and forget how to socialise

 

and don't fall into the trap of over thinking it either. get off the couch and just do it. even if the activity sucked, at least you'll have a story to tell- hence more things to talk about socially.

 

meetin dot org

meetup dot com

[U1987]

To be honest, my question was more along the lines of, how do I go about meeting random girls here in there despite the lack of an extensive social circle to fall back on (as opposed to starting a new social circle)?

[Cee]

I think your best bet is developing a new social circle. All you need is one person to invite you out with friends and then you make more friends.

 

I've tried the dating people randomly approach and it felt like a waste of time. The dates never lasted and they never invited me to go out in groups. And when I did online dating, I felt more isolated because I wasted my time on pointless dates instead of going to parties and bars with friends.

 

I think Runner had a good suggestion of using meet in & meet up. Because the activities happen on a weekly basis, you end up socializing with some of the same and new people every week. I've also had good success with joining sporting clubs and an improv comedy group. I haven't found the love of my life, but I have many crushes and lots of good friends. And I get a date once in a while.

[U1987]

Once again, this is about how to meet girls while out and about on your own, not how to increase your social circle.

[Woggle]

I have met most of my women while alone. My friends are great but they can be a bit odd if you don't know them. I just hang around for a bit since I know most of the bartenders around here and look for an excuse to strike up a conversation. Next thing you now we are dancing and I have her number.

[runner]

Once again, this is about how to meet girls while out and about on your own, not how to increase your social circle.

 

perhaps you need to quit analysing the 'how' and just do it.

 

i'm assuming you do actually leave the house every once in a while for whatever reason ? ...so there you go; you're half way to your goal.

[fishtaco]

School is an excellent place to meet people. You will not get anything even remotely close to school once you're out.

 

You have a platonic activity you share for a certain amount of time, and you see each other with regular frequency. Then after the class is over, you have a brand new group of people coming in for the next class. Even work isn't like this, because you'll be stuck with the same group of people for years.

 

Also meeting new people is the beginning of growing your social circle. I have multiple circles. It came from making friends individually, then meeting their friends, then their friends' friends, and then I became part of their circle.

 

And if your goal is to increase your social circle, you can't just talk to girls. You have to make guy friends too. Social circle is platonic. You are just friends. Romantic relationships can come from it, and they often do, but they are usually not the starting point. Social circles, unless you're talking about swingers, are always platonic -- a mixed gender group that does some common activity together.

 

My most recent growth mostly stemmed from this guy Carlos. I've known him for a long time, but recently I started to get invited to his parties, and met a bunch of his friends. There are couple of women that caught my attention, but nothing happened yet. And maybe nothing will. I'm just there to hang out and have fun.

 

Friends are great for meeting people, because they introduce you to their friends. The hitting up... like woggle said, you do on your own. I actually can't operate as well when I know my friends are there watching.

[welikeincrowds]

If you're not willing to expand your social circle, which is the most reasonable advice that you are ignoring arbitrarily, then you have no choice but to walk up and say hi. Actually, you use your imagination and charm, and you say something about the cereal she's holding. You have that, right? Imagination and charm?

[mr.dream merchant]

I usually see what I like, observe what their focus is on (so I can relate to them when I approach) and go for it. I'll just start a random convo about what they're doing. I do something goofy, make them laugh, and not just laugh, but laugh at ME. It does something for them, makes them a little bit more comfortable cause now they're on the high ground. After that it's just smooth sailing...if they're willing to chit chat.

 

Smile, smile, smile, smile! If you workout alot like me, make sure you're wearing clothing that complements your physique. Women do stare.

 

It sounds pretty easy, and most of the time it is. If they're physically attracted to you, conversation will flow. And all you have to do after you feel the time is right, is ask for their phone number, invite her out for coffee/tea/sushi. Something not so date-ish..so she can get to know you more.

[fishtaco]

School is an excellent place to meet people. You will not get anything even remotely close to school once you're out.

 

... my bad, disregard my post... I read your post backwards for some reason. You DON'T want to know about how to grow your social circle.

[Tom81]

I usually see what I like, observe what their focus is on (so I can relate to them when I approach) and go for it. I'll just start a random convo about what they're doing. I do something goofy, make them laugh, and not just laugh, but laugh at ME. It does something for them, makes them a little bit more comfortable cause now they're on the high ground. After that it's just smooth sailing...if they're willing to chit chat.

 

Smile, smile, smile, smile! If you workout alot like me, make sure you're wearing clothing that complements your physique. Women do stare.

 

It sounds pretty easy, and most of the time it is. If they're physically attracted to you, conversation will flow. And all you have to do after you feel the time is right, is ask for their phone number, invite her out for coffee/tea/sushi. Something not so date-ish..so she can get to know you more.

 

Sounds easier said than done, lol. I wish to me it was that easy. As I'm older now and social circles are shrinking I'm finding it definitely harder to meet people.

[mr.dream merchant]

Sounds easier said than done, lol. I wish to me it was that easy. As I'm older now and social circles are shrinking I'm finding it definitely harder to meet people.

 

I've been doing it so much lately that it just happens now, I hardly think about what I'm going to do or say, or how I'm going to set it up, or how she'll react. I just...do.

[VertexSquared]

Honestly, I was never good at the whole "approach people randomly" thing. This is why I ventured into online dating (I personally used eH).

[mr.dream merchant]

I never used to be either..risking sounding cocky here, but after I got in really good shape things improved. You feel happier, better, more confident. All of these things show in your walk, the way you look directly into a woman's eyes when you speak to her. My success in dating increased EXPONENTIALLY after I dedicated a year of my life (and counting) to focused, and smart workouts.

 

The gym may improve your life in more ways than one!

[DollWelch]

I'll just start a random convo about what they're doing.

This is (apparently) exceptionally difficult for (some) men to put into motion. It's not easy to strike up a conversation based on props/surroundings as it requires creativity and intelligence. At least from what I have encountered.

 

Some (men) tend to stare, and stare at you (woman). I can feel their presence, staring in my direction, I can see they want to say something but can't. This is a disappointment.

 

OP, not to offend you in any way, but you should grow some balls and strike up conversations with women (the next time you're out and about). You have to be quick and witty but I'm sure you are capable of such.

 

With some practice you'll get the hang of it. Otherwise, you'll have to resort to school or expanding your social circle.

[dispatch3d]

To be honest, my question was more along the lines of, how do I go about meeting random girls here in there despite the lack of an extensive social circle to fall back on (as opposed to starting a new social circle)?

 

Don't need a social circle to get to know random girls you see around town. I'd attempt to get better at just talking to strangers+those girls you are interested in.

 

Seriously dude just read some natural game pickup advice.

[TuesGirl]

So I JUST happened to read something about your exact question this weekend and I am excited to try it out myself. Basically the article said you have to act from a place of neutrality to not put someone on the spot. The easiest way to do this is to ask an informational question or to have a conversation about a shared experience. Suppose you are at the grocery store. You see a cute girl looking at the fruit. Stand near her, look at some non-vanilla-esque fruit and ask if she has ever tried that fruit because you've been wanting to try it but have been hesitant. Hell, ask her if she knows how to cut a mango properly (then get back to me, bc cutting a mango is sometimes the bane of my exsistence). Anything that is not construed as 'flirting-I-want-to-f-you'. She'll be relaxed in her response because she'll feel like she's helping you, not that you're hitting on her. There's a million things you could ask.

 

A shared experience conversation, as per article, would be if you saw something random/funny happen in the store and you look at each other and have to say something about it. Say a kid in someone else's cart just yelled that he "took a doodoo" or something. You can use that experience to strike up a non-threatening convo/have a shared laugh.

 

Or you could do what one girl did...take a sharpie with you to the store. She saw some hot dude buy a canteloupe. She sharpied her number on his melon and walked off. That's ballsy though. More than I am capable of. But I am excited to try out my newfound knowledge. Hopefully it helps you out too.

[U1987]

perhaps you need to quit analysing the 'how' and just do it.

 

i'm assuming you do actually leave the house every once in a while for whatever reason ?

 

Every day

 

...so there you go; you're half way to your goal.

OKAY WHAT'S THE LAST HALF!

[U1987]

School is an excellent place to meet people. You will not get anything even remotely close to school once you're out.

 

You have a platonic activity you share for a certain amount of time, and you see each other with regular frequency. Then after the class is over, you have a brand new group of people coming in for the next class. Even work isn't like this, because you'll be stuck with the same group of people for years.

 

Also meeting new people is the beginning of growing your social circle. I have multiple circles. It came from making friends individually, then meeting their friends, then their friends' friends, and then I became part of their circle.

 

And if your goal is to increase your social circle, you can't just talk to girls.

 

Fourth time; NOT looking to build a new social circle.

[U1987]

I usually see what I like, observe what their focus is on (so I can relate to them when I approach) and go for it. I'll just start a random convo about what they're doing. I do something goofy, make them laugh, and not just laugh, but laugh at ME. It does something for them, makes them a little bit more comfortable cause now they're on the high ground. After that it's just smooth sailing...if they're willing to chit chat.

 

Smile, smile, smile, smile!

 

Does smiling a lot work? It's just that I've had a lot of female coworkers, and they always complained about guys who were always smiling all the time; they said they seemed, at best, "cheesy," or at worst, "creepy."

 

If you workout alot like me, make sure you're wearing clothing that complements your physique. Women do stare.

 

I have a form-fitting, very European-inspired wardrobe so I think I have that covered. Plus I have a swimmers build.

[U1987]

This is (apparently) exceptionally difficult for (some) men to put into motion. It's not easy to strike up a conversation based on props/surroundings as it requires creativity and intelligence. At least from what I have encountered.

 

Some (men) tend to stare, and stare at you (woman). I can feel their presence, staring in my direction, I can see they want to say something but can't. This is a disappointment.

 

OP, not to offend you in any way, but you should grow some balls and strike up conversations with women (the next time you're out and about). You have to be quick and witty but I'm sure you are capable of such.

 

Any ideas for any topics in particular?

[U1987]

So I JUST happened to read something about your exact question this weekend and I am excited to try it out myself. Basically the article said you have to act from a place of neutrality to not put someone on the spot. The easiest way to do this is to ask an informational question or to have a conversation about a shared experience. Suppose you are at the grocery store. You see a cute girl looking at the fruit. Stand near her, look at some non-vanilla-esque fruit and ask if she has ever tried that fruit because you've been wanting to try it but have been hesitant. Hell, ask her if she knows how to cut a mango properly (then get back to me, bc cutting a mango is sometimes the bane of my exsistence). Anything that is not construed as 'flirting-I-want-to-f-you'. She'll be relaxed in her response because she'll feel like she's helping you, not that you're hitting on her. There's a million things you could ask.

 

A shared experience conversation, as per article, would be if you saw something random/funny happen in the store and you look at each other and have to say something about it. Say a kid in someone else's cart just yelled that he "took a doodoo" or something. You can use that experience to strike up a non-threatening convo/have a shared laugh.

 

What if everything going on around you is boring/business-as-usual? Can you make stuff up?

 

I once saw something funny at the mall; this kid sprinting down the way with his mother far behind trying to catch up and telling him to stop and wait, but he said "Nooooo! I have to peeeeee!"

 

How would a girl respond if I told her randomly, out of the blue, that I just saw that?

 

And if that's no good, what are some other conversation starters?

[dispatch3d]

lol it does not take creativity and intelligence. I've started conversations with girls who were in front of me at the coat check line about checking coats (lol wtf?). About 3 days ago I started talking to some random older guy when he was buying like 14 bottles of beer. When I was fixing my car I talked to probably 7 people and a group of three people gave me a thing to lie on.

 

All of this within the last 4 months that I can remember and I am definitely not actively hitting on girls (this is just passive happening unintentionally).

[U1987]

Like I said, does making up stories work?