nsearch4u Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 My ex and i have joint custody of our 2 children. Everything is 50/50. She buys one shoe, i buy the other....not really but you get the idea.... She lives in an apartment. I live in the marital home. When she left she took her clothes, makeup, couple photo albums (ironic), and a couple pieces of furniture that i gave her. Financially, For me, It was a struggle starting out, but things settled down and now I'm very comfortable. For her, Shes constantly screwing up her checking acct, behind on bills, etc.....I dont know that she mismanages her money, she's just over her head a bit as her insurance commissions have gone down..... Christmas, like everything else, was to be split 50/50 for our childrens gifts.... She wont be able to contribute as her bills are past due as of right now. I've already bought Christmas for the kids so thats taken care of. I havent given her a bill or said much about it other than "take care of your bills and we'll work it out later"..... Heres the problem: I find myself wanting to help her out. Although she had an affair, abruptly ended our marriage, etc.... I still feel bad for her when she's having a hard time financially and always end up giving her money. 50 here 200 there, etc.....She came by tonight and i gave her a Starbucks gift card someone had send me in a Christmas card. At some point i probably am just enabling her but i'm not sure what to do about it. I dont know why i want to give her money and i know i shouldnt probably but I cant sleep sometimes knowing that she's having a hard time. I dont ever ask for it back, nor do i expect "favors" or anything else. Its "just because" and i leave it at that. One note, when she gets paid, she's really indignant and "independent" for a couple days........in the middle of a pay period she's really humble and quiet.....lol..... How do i stop giving and stop worrying about it? I could be funding my blue water sailboat adventure for god sake......
2sunny Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 My ex and i have joint custody of our 2 children. Everything is 50/50. She buys one shoe, i buy the other....not really but you get the idea.... She lives in an apartment. I live in the marital home. When she left she took her clothes, makeup, couple photo albums (ironic), and a couple pieces of furniture that i gave her. Financially, For me, It was a struggle starting out, but things settled down and now I'm very comfortable. For her, Shes constantly screwing up her checking acct, behind on bills, etc.....I dont know that she mismanages her money, she's just over her head a bit as her insurance commissions have gone down..... Christmas, like everything else, was to be split 50/50 for our childrens gifts.... She wont be able to contribute as her bills are past due as of right now. I've already bought Christmas for the kids so thats taken care of. I havent given her a bill or said much about it other than "take care of your bills and we'll work it out later"..... Heres the problem: I find myself wanting to help her out. Although she had an affair, abruptly ended our marriage, etc.... I still feel bad for her when she's having a hard time financially and always end up giving her money. 50 here 200 there, etc.....She came by tonight and i gave her a Starbucks gift card someone had send me in a Christmas card. At some point i probably am just enabling her but i'm not sure what to do about it. I dont know why i want to give her money and i know i shouldnt probably but I cant sleep sometimes knowing that she's having a hard time. I dont ever ask for it back, nor do i expect "favors" or anything else. Its "just because" and i leave it at that. One note, when she gets paid, she's really indignant and "independent" for a couple days........in the middle of a pay period she's really humble and quiet.....lol..... How do i stop giving and stop worrying about it? I could be funding my blue water sailboat adventure for god sake...... the more you give - the more she learns to take. the less you give or "help" - the more she learns how to stand and function on her own. get it? "helping" her isn't really helping... it just reinforces the fact that she's deficient with her budget. she won't learn to spend what she has wisely until she understands you aren't going to bail her out. if she suffers consequences from her irresponsible spending... then she MAY actually consider spending wisely... but she won't while you keep funding her bad behavior. it MAY hurt you to see her suffer - but it's nobodies fault but her own. FWIW - you may be funding so she will consider getting back together... most people have an ulterior motive in these cases... and she's most likely willing to take advantage of you. don't be that guy - it looks desperate.
Author nsearch4u Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 I understand......its really basic money 101....like a parent with kids who've moved out and are trying to get started..... I dont think i have an ulterior motive. I wouldnt/couldnt have a future with her. Its more her playing on my sympathy probably. Maybe i do it so she wont be hateful to me. She can be quite the coldhearted person....really different than who she used to be. I dont know. I only know its 230 in the morning and i'm working through the night. I was thinking of giving her some money tomorrow and knew i shouldnt so i posted here looking for something that turned on a light for me so i wouldnt.....i appreciate the input....i probably just need to stick to my guns and just say "no"....
2sunny Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I understand......its really basic money 101....like a parent with kids who've moved out and are trying to get started..... I dont think i have an ulterior motive. I wouldnt/couldnt have a future with her. Its more her playing on my sympathy probably. Maybe i do it so she wont be hateful to me. She can be quite the coldhearted person....really different than who she used to be. I dont know. I only know its 230 in the morning and i'm working through the night. I was thinking of giving her some money tomorrow and knew i shouldnt so i posted here looking for something that turned on a light for me so i wouldnt.....i appreciate the input....i probably just need to stick to my guns and just say "no".... this: I dont think i have an ulterior motive. is conflicting with this: Maybe i do it so she wont be hateful to me. and this is her manipulation: Its more her playing on my sympathy probably.
Template Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 (edited) Everything sunny has stated is true. I can imagine you are a overall stand up nice guy, and that you are probably suffering from some sort of hero complex. You aren't alone, and is probably a lot more common than many people would like to admit. Be wary however, if you cannot give with ZERO expectation of reward, then you'll just pack on and internalize resentment to a point where one day you'll just explode, it's not healthy. Trust me, almost every decision I make, everyday, every hour, I have to ask myself, "If I do something nice, is it because I just want the self gratification that I did, or am I looking for a positive reaction from that person." Ask yourself this? IF you stop helping her out, realistically, in a year, will she thank you for "helping" her see the need to be more responsible with her money, or will she grow colder towards you because she's struggling still (and probably because you aren't supporting her)? Edited December 10, 2010 by Template
Template Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 How do i stop giving and stop worrying about it? I could be funding my blue water sailboat adventure for god sake...... I say, pay your bills, support your kids, put some money away for retirement, and buy that sailboat, and make the payments. IF you have money left over, either donate to charity, or enroll your ex into a financial planning class. Invest in your future wisely (meaning - don't have to give your ex-wife any more money)
spice4life Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 My ex and i have joint custody of our 2 children. Everything is 50/50. She buys one shoe, i buy the other....not really but you get the idea.... She lives in an apartment. I live in the marital home. When she left she took her clothes, makeup, couple photo albums (ironic), and a couple pieces of furniture that i gave her. Financially, For me, It was a struggle starting out, but things settled down and now I'm very comfortable. For her, Shes constantly screwing up her checking acct, behind on bills, etc.....I dont know that she mismanages her money, she's just over her head a bit as her insurance commissions have gone down..... Christmas, like everything else, was to be split 50/50 for our childrens gifts.... She wont be able to contribute as her bills are past due as of right now. I've already bought Christmas for the kids so thats taken care of. I havent given her a bill or said much about it other than "take care of your bills and we'll work it out later"..... Heres the problem: I find myself wanting to help her out. Although she had an affair, abruptly ended our marriage, etc.... I still feel bad for her when she's having a hard time financially and always end up giving her money. 50 here 200 there, etc.....She came by tonight and i gave her a Starbucks gift card someone had send me in a Christmas card. At some point i probably am just enabling her but i'm not sure what to do about it. I dont know why i want to give her money and i know i shouldnt probably but I cant sleep sometimes knowing that she's having a hard time. I dont ever ask for it back, nor do i expect "favors" or anything else. Its "just because" and i leave it at that. One note, when she gets paid, she's really indignant and "independent" for a couple days........in the middle of a pay period she's really humble and quiet.....lol..... How do i stop giving and stop worrying about it? I could be funding my blue water sailboat adventure for god sake...... LOL!!! I'm sorry, not making light of your situation, but YES, you are enabling her! I know it's hard because you want to make sure your kids are taken care of and you don't want to see her struggle, but sometimes you just have to let someone fall so they wake up. I struggled and still do sometimes, but I have learned that I can't keep asking for help - it's my mess, I need to clean it up! I would rather put my hand over a hot flame than ask for help anymore. It's helping me tremendously to finally figure out how I can work toward NOT constantly digging a hole for myself! It's a battle for sure, but if people keep digging me out then I'll never learn how to take care of my own stuff. Ya know?
Author nsearch4u Posted December 11, 2010 Author Posted December 11, 2010 Thanks for the replies. Its amazing how much logic and emotion battle it out between our ears sometimes. Or maybe its between our head(s) and our heart.... I sat down with her yesterday and we talked about this. in a nice way i let her know that "stupid" had been removed from my forehead and replaced with "no". under no circumstance could i help any more with anything above our agreement. I'm going to make a budget that minimizes any excess funds so I'll not only have a mental note that the money is already allocated but i'll have a healthier savings, emergency, future, etc.... business went through the roof and i never allocated the extra income so this is a good time....and a good reason.... With a plan in place, perhaps the emotions will be easier to keep in check.....having not thought of it much, i was just doing "what felt right".....well, it was right for her but not me.....i see that now....
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