offpiste Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 The backstory: I studied abroad in college and met a great guy in Germany. Too often, when I meet a guy I'm physically attracted to, I'm turned off once I get to know them. But this guy interested me intensely, physically and intellectually. We met when I only had 2 months left in the semester. We dated, but knowing I was about to leave we decided that trying to maintain a long-distance relationship for 6 months or more after knowing each other for only two months wasn't feasible, so we didn't make each other any promises. I came home to the US in December 2008, and we chatted online or via webcam 3-4 times a week, for 4 or more hours at a time. We both graduated that spring. I was going to visit him in the summer, but my grandfather was dying of cancer and I couldn't leave, and he couldn't afford to visit. We continued to chat nearly everyday. Last December, I flew to Berlin to visit him, as well as other friends from my study abroad program. He had to work, but we spent all the time we could together before I had to fly back the day after New Years. Two weeks after that, I was in the middle of chatting to him on Skype and checked my facebook only to see that he is 'in a relationship' with someone. He had mentioned that he was dating months before, but he never said it was serious- and he certainly didn't mention it when I was visiting him. When I asked him what was up, he replied that things would have been different if he had a way to be within 100 miles of me, but his relationship with this other girl has the best chance of success. He reminded me of the 'no promises' agreement we had, and said he'd back off if I was too hurt to be friends. I was too weak to say I needed space, so we continued talking like we always had. I was also too much of a coward to tell him I'd applied to grad school not only in the US but in Germany, because I couldn't have handled it if it didn't make a difference to him, and because I didn't yet know if I would be accepted (I eventually was, but decided to go to grad school in the US, since I didn't have that much to draw me to Germany anymore). Communication tapered off gradually towards the summer- mostly because I forced myself not to contact him and to move on. Now I'm seeing a really nice guy in an effort to force myself to move on, and I still can't get my German ex out of my head. It will soon be a year since I've seen him in person- and he's still the only one I want. I know from our now-infrequent communications that he's still with the new girlfriend, and I don't have any hope them breaking up any time soon. The question: How can I stop thinking about what might have been? I'm dating a really sweet guy who adores me and is beginning to wonder why I'm keeping him at arm's length. This is partly because whenever things start to get physical, I'm thinking about my ex. And its not just then- a phrase, a subject of conversation will remind me of my ex and suddenly I'll think 'I really don't want to be here, I want to fly to Berlin' (which simply isn't feasible, financially, or career-wise since I'm a teacher and I'm not certified to teach in Germany). I don't want to lead the new guy on any more than I already have, since I'm simply not that into him and he's starting to introduce the word 'love'. My friends keep telling me to give the new guy a chance and to forget the old one. Advice?
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Now I'm seeing a really nice guy in an effort to force myself to move on, and I still can't get my German ex out of my head. My friends keep telling me to give the new guy a chance and to forget the old one. Advice? There is your problem. You are just dating the new guy to try and get over the ex. That isn't fair to him. Your friends are only half right. Cut him loose if you can't get over your ex... and fast. If you are unable to do even that... then tell the new guy the whole situation including why you won't touch him. When I was younger I used to take that stuff pretty hard when a girl I was dating refused my affections. It takes time and experience to realize that she is just jerking me around and it has nothing to do with me.
Ellezz Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Aww this sounds so familiar. i know how you feel because im going through a similar situation. My ex-bf and I dated for several months (most of it is long distance), and we decided to just be friends because the long distance has been so painful. But it turns out hurting even more missing him... we're not dating others now, but if he starts to, i'll probably have to stop talking to him, it will hurt too much...though stop talking to him will be the hardest thing ever:(
poorguy Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I have often wondered about this type of situation. I've been in the same situation as have ex girlfriends of mine. I agree that your simply not over your ex by any means and the new guy just seemed like a good ides at the time. I once had a girlfriend who I liked a lot, but if my ex girlfriend had come around sooner saying she wanted to get back together I would have-she did come back but I was in too deep with the newer girlfriend. I still wish I had taken back my ex at the time-that would have been the right decsion
Author offpiste Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 Ellezz, don't do what I did- don't keep in close contact if he moves on. Its the emotional equivalent of cutting. My current plan is to stay 'friends' and talk once every three months or so, that way if he's ever single again and the distance issue resolves itself (I was looking into becoming certified to teach in Germany) its not so weird when I tell him I'm visiting Berlin and we should catch up. The talking nearly-every day for hours and hours at a time helps no one. Except him, in my case, because he had me for when his new gf didn't have time for him. I just don't know how to stop thinking about him, even now when I haven't talked to him in a month and haven't seen him in nearly a year. I think its because he was the first time since I was a teenager that I was intensely attracted both physically and intellectually to a guy.
Author offpiste Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 I told the guy I'm currently seeing at the beginning that I didn't know what I wanted, but I liked hanging out with him and hoped he'd stick around until I figured out what I wanted. Which isn't entirely true, because I still want my ex, but was easier to say than going into my whole history on the 5th date. So he knows I'm dealing with baggage/ 'finding myself' right now. I just don't know how much longer I should allow this to go on when I'm not as into him as he is into me. Finding a way to stop thinking about my ex constantly would really help. All the normal breakup advice, play what I hated about him/ annoyed me over and over doesn't work, because we were happy and everything was great and exciting and fun- until I moved away. I can't help replaying our relationship over and over and wishing I was still living it.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Ellezz, don't do what I did- don't keep in close contact if he moves on. Its the emotional equivalent of cutting. My current plan is to stay 'friends' and talk once every three months or so, that way if he's ever single again and the distance issue resolves itself. Seriously either wait for this guy or don't.... that is your choice. What isn't your choice is to keep stringing your BF along without telling him the truth. I mean seriously... what kind of person does that? You just assume he knows your dealing with baggage? Crap... either be straight and honest or get out.
fishtaco Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 When I was younger I used to take that stuff pretty hard when a girl I was dating refused my affections. It takes time and experience to realize that she is just jerking me around and it has nothing to do with me. And that experience made you smarter. Because now you can tell when a woman is just leading you on, and it has nothing to do with you. So I say she should do whatever she wants to. The guy needs to learn.
BorderRogue Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I agree; talk to your new guy and tell him what's up. Its up to him whether he stays or goes, probably would stay but you are gonna hurt him if you haven't already. No guy likes to live in the shadow of an EX. He'd always wonder when the chop will happen, were you really at the library, etc. I did this and left a trail of heartaches behind me. I regretted the weakness but she was gone and they were there and my only consolation was they knew up front I was "broken". It just didn't work, she was always on my mind and they knew. Feel ****ty knowing I did that but I learned and now I'm just working on me.
Author offpiste Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 What isn't your choice is to keep stringing your BF along without telling him the truth. I told him a version of the truth- that I didn't know what I wanted. I've only known the guy for a little more than a month- I wouldn't call him a bf. Its him thats rushing things and bringing up loaded words like 'love' and 'future' and buying tickets for things 5 months from now and assuming we'll still be seeing each other. In a month or so when we have the inevitable 'ex' discussion he'll get full disclosure about the whole situation, but I didn't see the point of bringing up that much baggage with a person that at the time I was just casually dating. What I really need is advice on how to stop obsessing about my ex (since he's stopped contacting me more than once or twice a month and obviously isn't thinking about me as much as I am thinking about him) so I can give the new guy a fair chance. Any advice?
welikeincrowds Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 What I really need is advice on how to stop obsessing about my ex (since he's stopped contacting me more than once or twice a month and obviously isn't thinking about me as much as I am thinking about him) so I can give the new guy a fair chance. Any advice? Look, you can't. Not any more than you can ignore that you're hungry. That's what you've been doing, and how has that been working for you? You need to respect and acknowledge this grief far more than you have been. You were about to uproot your life and move to Germany. You were seriously hurt. And given how long distance this was, you've been sustaining your feelings based on mostly your own imagination -- which can only mean that your feelings, even after this seeming rejection, are still capable of being sustained; and I call it a seeming rejection because he has never outright rejected you. I am not convinced that you no longer consider him a part of your life -- and obviously, he is still a part of it. Acknowledge your emotions; ignoring them will not make go away. Until you come to terms with what it is you are precisely feeling about this German at any given point, he will continue to haunt you.
Author offpiste Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 You need to respect and acknowledge this grief far more than you have been. I did grieve. I never cry- but I cried for an entire weekend when he moved on. I did the normal breakup routine of sad movies and relying on friends. A month later I started going out an being normal again, but the thinking about him has never stopped. The reason I posted to this site is because I thought I would have moved on and stopped thinking about him so much by now- it will soon be a year since I've seen him. Trust me, I acknowledged the grief, my friends will vouch for that, they certainly heard about it enough in the early stages, and my sister is sick of seeing me cry over him. I just don't know what else to do to move on, and to stop thinking about him all the time, because he's never far from my thoughts.
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