confused&frustrated Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I have been married for 6 years and been with my husband for 10 years total. I have become quite frustrated with our relationship over the last year and recently (in the last month) the man who has been my "what if" since high school has come back into my life. After hours of conversation and catching up, I am amazed at the man and father he has become which has only increased the "what if" feelings and frustration with my marriage. My husband is a wonderful man and loves me more than anything so it is hard to know where to even begin to sort this out in my head. I don't want to hurt my husband and throw away 10 years but I also don't want to let the "one that got away" get away again...
Darth Vader Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I have been married for 6 years and been with my husband for 10 years total. I have become quite frustrated with our relationship over the last year and recently (in the last month) the man who has been my "what if" since high school has come back into my life. After hours of conversation and catching up, I am amazed at the man and father he has become which has only increased the "what if" feelings and frustration with my marriage. My husband is a wonderful man and loves me more than anything so it is hard to know where to even begin to sort this out in my head. I don't want to hurt my husband and throw away 10 years but I also don't want to let the "one that got away" get away again... Lady, let me ask you a "What if" question: "What if" it was your husband that had a "what if" girl from the past that came back into his life and he wanted to screw the "what if" girl, how would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband did this to you? This is a serious question by the way, I'm not patronizing you, although I know it seems that way! I suggest Marriage Counseling and Forego the cheating on the hubby and the screwing and the RIDING of the OM!
Author confused&frustrated Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 That's part of the problem, I don't think I would care...I would almost be relieved because he would be the one putting an end to the relationship and not me. We both always said we would leave before cheating and I guess I am not looking for the advice as far as cheating but should I leave? I have been divorced in the past after 2 years of counseling and I am really not a believer in the process. Now I am to the point where I feel going to counseling only delays the inevitable and prolongs the agony. I still love my husband and always will but I don't think I am IN love with him anymore.
lkjh Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Look for any marriage to survive there are going to be bad years where the couple needs to just truck through. Do not add a ex into the picture because it will just cloud everything and make you think the grass is greener on the other side. You should cut the OM out of your life and talk with your H. Be honest and tell him flat out what is wrong. Do not code your thoughts, be flat out honest Also, this OM cannot have that great of life if he is seeking out an ex
Darth Vader Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 That's part of the problem, I don't think I would care...I would almost be relieved because he would be the one putting an end to the relationship and not me. We both always said we would leave before cheating and I guess I am not looking for the advice as far as cheating but should I leave? I have been divorced in the past after 2 years of counseling and I am really not a believer in the process. Now I am to the point where I feel going to counseling only delays the inevitable and prolongs the agony. I still love my husband and always will but I don't think I am IN love with him anymore. OMG! (slaps head) Actually, that was not the angle I was going for. What I mean is, put yourself in your husband's shoes, only he thinks everything is fine in the marriage! Lady, honestly, have you talked with your hubby about what's missing, or rather what you think is missing in your marraige? It sounds as though your husband has gotten comfortable or complacent about the marriage. Does your husband have any idea about this "what if" OM and/or how much of a threat the OM is to his marriage? Remember lady, your husband is not a mind reader, you have to talk with him about what's lacking in the marriage and about this OM! I also agree with the poster above!
Author confused&frustrated Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Never said the "what if" was an ex...we never actually dated, it was always wrong time/wrong place. So, he is not seeking out an ex and the original conversations were not of that context, it was just "hey, how are you." I have attempted to talk to my H about our relationship and all he does is become defensive and walk away. I know he is not a mind reader but I can't make him talk to me and "truck through" the hard years. I have not brought up the "what if", if I can't get him to talk about our relationship without that not sure what the point is. Hoping and assuming one or both of you are men and maybe you can give me a way of opening the conversation of "when did everyone else become more important than me?"
Darth Vader Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Never said the "what if" was an ex...we never actually dated, it was always wrong time/wrong place. So, he is not seeking out an ex and the original conversations were not of that context, it was just "hey, how are you." I have attempted to talk to my H about our relationship and all he does is become defensive and walk away. I know he is not a mind reader but I can't make him talk to me and "truck through" the hard years. I have not brought up the "what if", if I can't get him to talk about our relationship without that not sure what the point is. Hoping and assuming one or both of you are men and maybe you can give me a way of opening the conversation of "when did everyone else become more important than me?" You need to bring up the "what if" guy with your husband, because like I said, your husband is not aware that his marriage is being threatened by the "what if". Hmmm, strange that your husband seems to be defensive whenever you bring up the marriage.
Bryanp Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Write a letter explaining your feeling about the relationship and the what if kind. Ask him not to say anything until he completely reads the letter. This way you explain everything you wish to say. Out of respect he deserves to know the truth about everything. Good luck.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 That's part of the problem, I don't think I would care...I would almost be relieved because he would be the one putting an end to the relationship and not me. We both always said we would leave before cheating and I guess I am not looking for the advice as far as cheating but should I leave? I have been divorced in the past after 2 years of counseling and I am really not a believer in the process. Now I am to the point where I feel going to counseling only delays the inevitable and prolongs the agony. I still love my husband and always will but I don't think I am IN love with him anymore. Counseling will never work if you wont put your heart into it. So... what is the frustration with your husband? Does he work too much? Not make enough money? Not good looking enough? Gain weight? Too emotional? Never said the "what if" was an ex...we never actually dated, it was always wrong time/wrong place. So, he is not seeking out an ex and the original conversations were not of that context, it was just "hey, how are you." I have attempted to talk to my H about our relationship and all he does is become defensive and walk away. I know he is not a mind reader but I can't make him talk to me and "truck through" the hard years. I have not brought up the "what if", if I can't get him to talk about our relationship without that not sure what the point is. Hoping and assuming one or both of you are men and maybe you can give me a way of opening the conversation of "when did everyone else become more important than me?" Look, most guys can't tell serious relationship talk from common nagging. You complain that he wont listen... but it's YOUR JOB to communicate the gravity of the situation. Every other woman can do it... so what's wrong with you? Just tell him to listen or be prepared for divorce papers!!! How hard is that? Even... set an appointment with an lawyer to get his attention if that's what needs to happen. Just scampering off to have and affair is a $hitty thing to do. You are already in the early stages of an emotional affair, so congrats you are already cheating. What better way to make sure you don't have to put any effort into your marriage. It's hard freaking work... especially when the other person is being dense like a brick. Now regarding Mr. "What If".... only a spectacular douchebag is going to hit up a married woman, so hopefully you have lied to him about that. Ever think the only reason he suddenly seems so attractive is BECAUSE you are so unhappy with the marriage? Good chance you have this fake guy built up in your head and have no idea what the real guy is all about. We call this Affairyland or an Affair Fog... where reality slips away and all that exists in your head is an addictive fantasy and massive rationalizations. Bottom line. If you need to leave... leave. Then go looking for a new guy. Otherwise work on it... if he won't come to the table... walk away with a clean conscience. Then go looking for a new guy. Make sense?
lkjh Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Never said the "what if" was an ex...we never actually dated, it was always wrong time/wrong place. So, he is not seeking out an ex and the original conversations were not of that context, it was just "hey, how are you." I have attempted to talk to my H about our relationship and all he does is become defensive and walk away. I know he is not a mind reader but I can't make him talk to me and "truck through" the hard years. I have not brought up the "what if", if I can't get him to talk about our relationship without that not sure what the point is. Hoping and assuming one or both of you are men and maybe you can give me a way of opening the conversation of "when did everyone else become more important than me?" Sounds like you are making excuses for violating your marriage vows. For starters you knew what I meant when I called him your ex, you don't need to justify it. Second you are making excuses for not being honest with your H. How can you expect him to work on a problem when he probably doesn't even realize the magnitude of it? Saying you don't see the point in telling your H about your EA does not make sense. Something tells me that you are the type of person that seeks the easy way out.
wicar1 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I have been married for 6 years and been with my husband for 10 years total. I have become quite frustrated with our relationship over the last year and recently (in the last month) the man who has been my "what if" since high school has come back into my life. After hours of conversation and catching up, I am amazed at the man and father he has become which has only increased the "what if" feelings and frustration with my marriage. My husband is a wonderful man and loves me more than anything so it is hard to know where to even begin to sort this out in my head. I don't want to hurt my husband and throw away 10 years but I also don't want to let the "one that got away" get away again... I think you have already decided to cheat on your H. You are looking for an excuse. if you really wanna be with that what if guy or if you really wanna leave ypur marriage why dont you talk to your husband. May be file a divorce. Tell him about the what if guy. Do what honest people do. In the other hand if you are trying to sneak around with the OM staying in your marriage then that is a selfish, cruel filthy act. No offense but in your cas it's a matter of, Am I gonna act like a honest person? or Am I gonna act like a s*** Good luck
DuskCrush Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 You're 'what if' is married and has children and isn't trying to date you. It's not like you have an option to be with him. IF you want to leave your husband...leave him for your own sake...you shouldn't be in a loveless marriage. If you feel uninspired then get a divorce.
aisle_seat Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I'm reading a lot of sanctimony in the responses you're getting here. I have been the spouse of someone who had an emotional affair and let me tell you...had I known at the time I would have gotten out of that relationship a lot earlier. I just wish I had known sooner. I wasn't hurt when I did find out because frankly I was unhappy in the relationship, too. And chances are if you're at that point where an EA is tempting, he's not very satisfied with where things are either, despite what he might say outwardly. You should talk to your spouse about the EA, and also what you think lead to you having these feelings, about the OM and your husband, it may lead to some constructive dialogue at which point you can decide together whether what you have is worth saving. You didn't mention children who add a whole other dimension, but assuming you have none then you need to decide if staying together can work for both of you. If he still is saying talk to the hand, he doesn't want to hear it, then separate and if that doesn't make him want to talk you'll know it's time to move on. About the EA: If you truly think there might be a chance of staying with your husband, then don't just go through the motions. You should go NC with the OM until things are more clear with your domestic situation. You won't be able to judge in an unbiased way if you're still talking with the OM no matter how innocent it may seem. Good luck to you.
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