AlisaMarie Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 10 days...going through different feelings. Thinking of past relationships. I am feeling bitter and sad. It sucks. Has anyone gone through a breakup and it made you think of all of your horrid breakups throughout your life? Is this normal? I also find out things that make me sick... (recent ex and his new life)... We can just say that he's heading down a path of destruction.
Chance_taker Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Especially lately I've been pondering my past relationships because of the holidays. This will be the first time Ive spent them alone in 10 years. My ex of 3 years has a new bf and I can't get the thought of that out of my head and it too makes me sick. I dread the day I see them out together. I don't know anything about whats going on in her life (except for her new fling and thats b/c she had the nerve to call me and tell me) because for me its just easier that way. We know that they some day will have a day of reckoning and realize what they lost and we will be over them completely we can tell them to F off.
cerridwen Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I think you're experiencing very normal feelings AlisaMarie. And I'm sorry you got some recent news about the ex. I really don't think the holidays are helping either. With the news about your ex going down a destructive path, are you fighting feelings of wanting to reach out and "save him from himself"?
Author AlisaMarie Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Well, it's he strangest thing. The last time we hung out... we must of mixed up lighters at the bar... idk. So the other night I am out with my gf who smokes pot. I don't. I mean... back in the day... but it's been years! She grabbed my lighter and said OMG! Here the bottom of it was kind of melted and blackened. I though is was just crud from my pocket at first. It was resin from packing a bowl... and it wasn't just from one time, it had some damage. I was like, "hole s**t that's (ex's) lighter! He also has been drinking a ton and it's just out of character. He's a father and has a career in front of him that would frown on this type of behavior. When we were together, he put me down for even suggesting going to have a drink or talking about times that I smoked pot back in the day. I know I can't save him. I am not even sure if this is how he was before we got together and he just tried to impress me by being a nice clean "normal" hardworking guy. It just sucks because he really degraded me for dumb things that I have done before we met. Getting high and wasted really wasn't anything I ever really got into. ahhh the fake-ness is sickening.
cerridwen Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I'm actually glad to hear you express your disgust because bit by bit, your feelings are shifting! I can tell from your posts. Yes, you're still sad but you're moving from JUST feeling the loss, to feeling sadness AND disgust AND anger and that *IS* something to say "Yay!" about! Because the ratios of those feelings will continue to shift to your advantage. You may feel 5:2 sadness to anger now, but things will continue to change so you're feeling 5:3, 5:4, until you've reached indifference. It's a beautiful thing You're doing it AlisaMarie. And I'm glad because you sound like a wonderfully caring person.
Leandro Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 10 days...going through different feelings. Thinking of past relationships. I am feeling bitter and sad. It sucks. Has anyone gone through a breakup and it made you think of all of your horrid breakups throughout your life? Is this normal? I also find out things that make me sick... (recent ex and his new life)... We can just say that he's heading down a path of destruction. yea it does suck. But good job on sticking to NC. Baby steps Alisa, baby steps.
Author AlisaMarie Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Thank you! I really am a caring person, but when I feel like this it's like I have this evil bitter hate lingering around me. I'm not myself. I wish I didn't let him control my emotions, or them control me! Tomorrow is a new day. I have to crawl past that 2 week mark. (That's the longest we've EVER went without talking.) Thank you for cheering me on!!! I hope everybody feels at least a little bit of peace and happiness in their heartbreak. My heart goes out to all of you... and since it's in pieces, it's easier to share! Ok, my corniness is coming back... good sign!!!
Leandro Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 LOL that's good Alisa. Bring back the corniness in you.
Author AlisaMarie Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Ahhhh.... Mondays. I still can't wrap my head around why I am haunted by this relationship. I just want to forget him. Forget everything! He filled up some time in my life and now he's gone, and if he wanted back... I don't want him! I have to accept that it would never work because I can never trust such a sneaky emotionally distraught freak! My life was NOT better with him... so it has to be better without!!! RIGHT? Day 11.
poorguy Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Yes better without him and soon it will be day 12,,,Everyday gets just a sliver easier
WTRanger Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 It'll get better, then you'll slip back. Then it'll get better, then you'll slip again. It's just the way this roller coaster goes. You just have to remember to embrace whatever emotion you are feeling at the time and you'll feel alive no matter what you are feeling. You can feel incredibly alive when you are sad, happiness isn't the only emotion that can do that. You just have to look at it from a different perspective.
Author AlisaMarie Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 It'll get better, then you'll slip back. Then it'll get better, then you'll slip again. It's just the way this roller coaster goes. You just have to remember to embrace whatever emotion you are feeling at the time and you'll feel alive no matter what you are feeling. You can feel incredibly alive when you are sad, happiness isn't the only emotion that can do that. You just have to look at it from a different perspective. You're right WT. Oddly enough, I have always been that person that finds beauty in pain and saddness. I see things differently in it... not always negative. I haven't cried today, I seriously think I am out of tears. I even finished one of my classes for this semester. I think I am getting better... he's still in my head but the thought of him at this point makes me mad and crindge. Love is lost... because now I don't think it was ever there.
angelboots Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 You're right WT. Oddly enough, I have always been that person that finds beauty in pain and saddness. I see things differently in it... not always negative. I do too... could this be a pattern as to why we both fell in love with BPDs? I actually considered my ex to be "beautifully broken" , though my silly rationalization was that he was the victim in hes life, not the perpetrator, which i soon learned was the true case sadly I too have been haunted by finding the pattern in my relationships since NC. I think its actually a really healthy sign that things are starting to look up for you, even though "inner reflection" ca be painful, its how we go on to be stronger and healthier ourselves in our next relationships when we are ready. Our similarities still continue to astound me through this.
Author AlisaMarie Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 I do too... could this be a pattern as to why we both fell in love with BPDs? I actually considered my ex to be "beautifully broken" , though my silly rationalization was that he was the victim in hes life, not the perpetrator, which i soon learned was the true case sadly I too have been haunted by finding the pattern in my relationships since NC. I think its actually a really healthy sign that things are starting to look up for you, even though "inner reflection" ca be painful, its how we go on to be stronger and healthier ourselves in our next relationships when we are ready. Our similarities still continue to astound me through this. Beautifully broken... I love it. I remember with my ex, he had a moment where he was sooo angry then started crying. He was almost acting like a little child the way his bottom lip quivered and tears fell from his eyes, but they seemed to be pouring from his soul. I felt so needed by him that only I could take him and his ways on. I felt that I could make it better. He blamed me for his pain, but I know... as well as you do... that we were triggers to a pain that we cannot understand. I had no clue that less than a year later... he would be the cause of my tears. I miss him so much angelboots... maybe I am the crazy one.
Author AlisaMarie Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 I've been going over my past relationships and breakups too, so that I can learn better from them and maybe recognize any patterns in myself. I keep wanting to look at this recent breakup with a sidewards glance but I'm not going to really see anything that way, I need to see it straight on. It's been 3 weeks of no contact for me, but for me I don't even want to contact him, I'm just haunted, you know? :/ I didn't even think of him hardly for 2 weeks straight but then it all hit me a week ago. The roller-coaster sucks but like WT says, it will get better (I can feel it getting better for me this week). And I feel bitter, too. I do still care about him but I'm going to honestly say, to know things aren't going so great for him right now makes the vindictive part of me glad. Yeah rachael, it does seem to go up and down... but then better. I hardly cry anymore just that feeling that he still has a little bit of control over me. My ex is always a victim, so even if things are going well for him... he will tell the world his life sucks. He was actually jealous of me before for being able to wake up and say "it's going to be a good day." He doomed his own soul, so if I ever hear that he is doing well... I'll be shocked.
Author AlisaMarie Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 I just wanted to get my feelings out for today. I have been very non productive with my life since the final goodbye. I hate it. Then I get mad at myself for being this way... then I get less done. He is stuck in my head 24/7 yet it doesn't seem to hurt anymore... or am I just getting used to the pain? I don't care about Christmas coming up... I haven't shopped, put up the stupid tree, or anything. He spoiled me with gifts and love last year, and I am sick that some other biiiattch is going to have what I should have. But it was all fake. In his sick twisted mind he will try to do anything to impress anyone- then look for a pat on the back. The more I think of him, the more I realize what a lying freak he is! I looked back to how naive I was at the beginning of the relationship. He lied about the dumbest things! He even made up stories to victimize himself in any given situation. I used to call him a drama-queen, now I just know he's a sick f**k that is in desperate need of therapy. I actually prayed to God last night. In tears... I didn't pray for myself. I prayed for everyone else. To be happy and to never have to feel the way I do right now. It's torture. I've come to discover that I attract this type of man... I let them drag out the relationship... I let them come back. I didn't learn from an 8 year relationship of my past. I have been comparing recent ex to past ex, same sicko patterns. But I am the sicko for loving them. I have had a few relationships, but these 2 were the ones that I felt as if they were the ''one." The 2 sickest freaks I would have done anything for and gave my life to. I don't get it. Co-dependency? Idk... maybe. I think I can fix them? I actually enjoy the abuse? Wow...
Leandro Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Well I hope that you learn from the past two relationships and that the next one is healthier. You really cant fix people, but for some reason, a lot of girls believe they can. You shouldn't take any kind of abuse from anyone. You're doing good. Keep it up.
strangeways Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 You really cant fix people, but for some reason, a lot of girls believe they can. So do a lot of men. Been there, done that.
Leandro Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 So do a lot of men. Been there, done that. Lol, I haven't done that. I try to stay away from the bad ones.
Author AlisaMarie Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 Yeah... but they are sooooo charming and loving. You really don't know who is that bad one until you are with them for x amount of time. Sure there are red flags... but you really don't ever REALLY know if they are "bad" or not.
Leandro Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 that true too. I guess you just have to find a "good" bad one.
Damaged23 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 My ex did so many f**ed up things to me, he would always apologize and I stayed bc i seriously believed he was gonna change, unfortunately he didn't, so i'm kind of relieved he dumped me..lol And, I hate the mood swings!!! One minute im perfectly fine, and then the next i'm crying. Booo. Oh well, at least i'm not as bad as I once was.
Leandro Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 My ex did so many f**ed up things to me, he would always apologize and I stayed bc i seriously believed he was gonna change, unfortunately he didn't, so i'm kind of relieved he dumped me..lol And, I hate the mood swings!!! One minute im perfectly fine, and then the next i'm crying. Booo. Oh well, at least i'm not as bad as I once was. That's good damaged. Making progress.
Author AlisaMarie Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 My ex did so many f**ed up things to me, he would always apologize and I stayed bc i seriously believed he was gonna change, unfortunately he didn't, so i'm kind of relieved he dumped me..lol And, I hate the mood swings!!! One minute im perfectly fine, and then the next i'm crying. Booo. Oh well, at least i'm not as bad as I once was. yeah... I can feel it getting a little better. Not crying as much. But I still can't get his cute little effin face out of my head. It makes me sick. I wish he would try to communicate so I can at least test my strength and ignore. Idk... eff it. He likes trash now. Stepping down. They usually do.
strangeways Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Lol, I haven't done that. I try to stay away from the bad ones. Me too from now on! Yeah... but they are sooooo charming and loving. You really don't know who is that bad one until you are with them for x amount of time. Sure there are red flags... but you really don't ever REALLY know if they are "bad" or not. Very true.
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