Isolde Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 (edited) What made one of them work out (i.e. super serious or marriage) while the others didn't work out? Was it just "meant to be"? Or was there some other element that made it work long term even though past relationships were also good? Edited December 5, 2010 by Isolde
kdark Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Wow. Haven't seen you in a long time. Welcome back. For me, my most successful relationships have always included us sharing common goals and interests in life. But then again, my longest relationship was a year, so I may not know what I'm talking about.
OpenBook Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 My last healthy relationship lasted 4-1/2 years. He gave me something I was looking for, and I gave him something he was looking for. It FIT somehow, like puzzle pieces. Unfortunately it ended due to lack of similar backgrounds & interests. We just weren't built to last forever. But wow what a great stretch that was!!
pandagirl Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 I think it's two things: 1. Timing/Being ready for a committed relationship 2. Having similar and/or compatible emotional styles, an inherent belief system, and sharing the same goals in life.
threebyfate Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 H. and I just gelled without much work. We both have similar views on family, friends and career, growing up in similar family environments. He's not trapped in one way of thinking where he tends to be open to new and unusual views but has a really strong core of self and values so he's not drawn willy-nilly by externalities. I'm somewhat like that although my boundaries are more rigid and wider than his are. We both lean towards decision-making through logic which for some, might be considered too cold. For us, it makes us happy that the other makes rational sense. He's a positive and respectful person which fuels my positive side so it's a genuine back and forth of positive relationship synergies. He's also considerate of others which is returned in spades. We're both big on personal growth and development, so hopefully, we'll never be bored with each other in the long-run, having one of those humdrum marriages. We both also hate drama-coasters, so once again it works. In a nutshell, he's really good to and for me, is consistent with his love, trust and respect and slays anyone I've ever met with communication and de-escalation skills. As far as he's considered, he feels the same way about me so our relationship works well on so many levels. We "get" and have "gotten" each other. As far as other relationships are concerned, I think Art_Critic's signature pretty much says it all. And yes, we've been discussing having a second child in the next year.
Author Isolde Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Thanks for the input all! It's nice to be back on LS. kdark, I agree that similar goals and values are really important. Not as sure about the interests part, it doesn't seem nearly as important. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was lazy where I was lazy and driven where I was driven, because it wouldn't help me develop. pandagirl, I agree, timing and emotional availability is vital and unfortunately isn't something that can be really changed by either party. OpenBook, interesting, some relationships can last quite a while based on need and that can sometimes be healthy reliant on what people want from life. tbf, all great elements of a successful relationship. Especially positivity and being receptive to change/new ideas. This is more of a survey type post than an advice seeking post, btw.
Woggle Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I had a healthy relationship in high school. It was your typical puppie love but she was my prom date and we parted on good terms because she went away to school. The other healthy relationship I have right is my wife and she is the kind of woman that can make the most bitter misogynist believe again. She is just great. The only other long term relationship I had is the stuff nightmares are made of.
Els Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 (edited) I'm thrilled to see you back, Isolde . My current one, which is going on 3 years.. is based around a few factors, I think. Firstly, compatible personalities, as well as chemistry in all 3 aspects - mental, sexual and emotional. Sharing similar hobbies and interests (although not all of them, of course) has contributed significantly as well, I feel. I truly cannot imagine how couples who have no interests in common spend their time together other than cuddling and sex. Also, certain (different, but complementary) traits we each possess that are conducive to the maintenance of a LTR. This is not to say that the R was a smooth ride. We have had ups and downs, incompatibility in some other aspects, fights and arguments, etc. We have each hurt each other. Which brings me to the final point: I think a key component is not giving up on each other easily. That doesn't mean staying through abuse, or cheating, or such... but rather, being able to accept that your partner WILL have flaws and incompatibilities on some level, that there WILL be good times and bad times in every R, and not throwing a healthy R away because of that. My other Rs (1.5 years and 10 months respectively) were reasonably healthy as well, and I'm still friends with both of them. One I broke up with because of lack of sexual chemistry and the fact that he started to get addicted to video games, and the other because he simply was not in a stage of his life to put in the effort needed to hold strong through the LDR. In both Rs, we each treated each other decently and with respect... like good people, y'know. Edited December 6, 2010 by Elswyth
Author Isolde Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Woggle, glad things worked out so well for you. Elswyth, sorry for the confusion. I meant that of people who have had a couple of good relationships AND one that worked out in the long term... what distinguished the last one from the others?
Star Gazer Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Hi Isolde! For me, what made a relationship progress into something long-term and healthy was: (1) emotional stability and maturity of BOTH people involved in the relationship; (2) sharing a similar communication style and temperament; and (3) a wild attraction for one another that maintained itself...until, well, it ended! The reasons they didn't work out (IMO) was due to a variety of different reasons, but predominantly lied with having different belief systems/focuses and long-long-long term life plan.
Els Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 Woggle, glad things worked out so well for you. Elswyth, sorry for the confusion. I meant that of people who have had a couple of good relationships AND one that worked out in the long term... what distinguished the last one from the others? Yeah, I just re-read and realized that, and edited my question out probably at the same time as you were typing this post. Sorry about that.
Crazy Magnet Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I've had healthy and not so healthy. The previous healthy relationships I have been in ended due to a difference in life trajectories. We just weren't on the same path in life at the time the relationships began or ended. With one guy we had to end things after 2 years due to religious reasons. Otherwise it was a storybook romance. (Poo on his parents.) The R I'm in now is super serious (we live together). We talk about marriage and babies and all that. The difference is that we both currently want those things in life and are in a place to offer them to one another. We have compatible personalities, we enjoy many of the same activities and share a sense of humor. I believe in my life though the most important factor to take things to the next step has always been about timing what both parties want at that particular time.
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