I feel that he'd be better off without me...

[LaChatteNoire]

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years and I am finding that perhaps he'd be happier without me (and my family) in his life. My boyfriend is the pessimistic type about everything, like always finding the negative in holidays and events. He finds holidays a chore and any social event a chore as well. Frankly, he really doesn't seem to enjoy life unless it contains him at home, on his computer, or playing video games. He is 25.

 

We have both been in college full time just shy of 3 years, he is in aerospace engineering (and doing wonderfully, he's very intelligent) and I am in business management. I understand that aerospace is a much more difficult and time consuming profession, so I give him plenty of time and limited chores to do around the house. I have a full time job in addition to full time school, so I provide all that I can for him and myself since I bring in all of the income (he has no time for a job with school).

 

Last night we attended a holiday party for the laboratory that I provide administrative support for and I had to pick him up from his lab at school (since he couldn't make it home). He has been working on this group research project for about 3 months as an undergrad in an aerospace research laboratory. Once I got there, he seemed upset and bothered that I was there to get him. I asked him if he'd like to stay and I could go to the party alone to which he responded that it was okay and that he would go with me. So he changed his clothes (I brought him a change of clothes) and he went to go talk to his lab and it was taking awhile... so I went to "save" him from conversation. I popped my head in the lab and he started to walk my direction to leave and I smiled and said that it looked like he needed some saving (inferring that sometimes people get stuck in conversations when they want to leave). He replied saying that I wasn't saving him, I was dragging him along to this party he didn't want to go to. I was really stunned, I didn't know that it was as awful as he made it sound, so I asked him again if he's sure he wants to go. I told him again that I didn't mind if he stayed. He said,"No, it's okay." So off we went. He didn't speak much during the entire ride there (25 minutes), so when we arrived, I asked him if he was mad or if something was wrong. He said again that he had to be dragged out of the lab and now they couldn't do anything without him because he was the team leader (he is not the Principal Investigator). I told him that he should've spoken up and I would've told him to stay. I told him that I asked him twice if he wanted to stay and he said no. I told him that if it is that important (I wasn't being rude at all, I was calm and sincere) then we could leave and I could drive him back. So he said,"Well we're already here, so it's too late now!!!!" rudely. So I was now upset after I had been calm the whole time. The party was fun, but we didn't say a word to each other. This is what made the lightbulb go off that maybe I shouldn't be in his life right now.

 

If I wasn't in his life, he wouldn't have had this problem. He wouldn't have to do anything that involves me or my family or my life. He wouldn't have any chores. He wouldn't have to go to holiday functions with my family or help me look for gifts for them. He wouldn't have to worry about marrying me or the actual wedding itself. We have talked about marriage and the wedding (though he has not proposed), and he dreads having to socialize with my large family and have a large celebration. About a year ago, both of our moms offered to him the diamonds from their first wedding rings to make a set for me. He hasn't taken up the offer. He says he is too busy to go ask permission from my dad and that it's this whole production that he has to go through to ask. This also leads me to question his commitment to our relationship. Am I not worth the effort?

 

Though I have managed to withstand the pessimism and alter many of the things that I do to make him "happier", I am not sure that it is worth it to continue. We have been very compatible together (though we do have rare arguments) for a long time, though it seems that anything that I do that requires outside involvement or activities that include him is worthy of a huge "sigh" and unwillingness to be involved.

 

He is very good to me and very faithful and shows love in his own way. He is not an emotional person nor is he romantic (he used to be romantic). Though I am glad he is not very emotional, it would be nice to have some spark of romance every now and then. I have mentioned this to him, but he's replied that he's already got the girl (me). He has the same excuse for maintaining himself (fitness and grooming have waned). I do my best to keep in shape for him and to keep him entertained... if I were not in his life, perhaps he would make more of an effort for himself.

 

Should I continue with this relationship with him or should I simply ask him if he really wants me to be in his life right now? He is very busy with his studies and I know that he would have more time to spend on his studies were I not there. I make time for him with my schedule, but it seems that it might be too much for him to have partial responsibility of a household and relationship. I love him and care for him a lot and I'm sure he feels the same of me, but I'm not sure that it's the right time for him and I'm not sure that I can keep taking the increasing pessimism that may be stemming from his busy life. Thoughts?

[anne1707]

To be honest, based on your post my thoughts are that you would be better off without him!

 

Is this typical of the level of communication between the two of you? Are there good times in your relationship or is it all similar to the details in your post?

[LaChatteNoire]

Anne - we've been better at communication lately, as I used to keep everything bottled up inside. He does not usually communicate negatively as he did yesterday about going to the party.

 

We do have a lot of good times! We laugh and crack each other up and occasionally go out to dinner at a local winery when we have time. But the pessimism presents itself no matter where we are. We could be having a great time and he'll say something pessimistic... but I always try to let it pass and try not to think too much of it. But it does build and build after time.

 

We don't get to do as many things as I'd like because his interests are less social (or not at all) than mine. I try to inconvenience him as little as possible.

[anne1707]

That's good to hear

 

However a relationship should not be an "inconvenience" - your words . Whilst you do not have to share 100% of interests and attitudes, there has to be some shared times together and there also at times has to be compromise and not just from the same person all the time.

 

Maybe in a day or two when things have calmed down, you should approach your boyfriend with the idea that you would like to achieve some sort of balance when it comes to participating in events/holidays together so that you get to do stuff like this together but not in a way where he feels pressured/overwhelmed.

 

In turn however I feel that he needs to give more to you - including doing his share of chores. Just because his studies are important, does not mean your work isn't. Plus if he helped then it would mean more quality time for you to spend together when you and he can share your thoughts, dreams, talk through problems, laugh and play.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Let me translate how I as a guy would read this story and lets see if you get something new from it.

 

He has been working on this group research project for about 3 months as an undergrad in an aerospace research laboratory. Once I got there, he seemed upset and bothered that I was there to get him. I asked him if he'd like to stay and I could go to the party alone to which he responded that it was okay and that he would go with me. So he changed his clothes (I brought him a change of clothes)

 

Look, he has 2 responsibilities right now... 1 to his project and 1 to you. He chose to sacrifice his project time to be with you. That doesnt mean the worries and feeling of pressure from the project instantly go away.

 

and he went to go talk to his lab and it was taking awhile... so I went to "save" him from conversation. I popped my head in the lab and he started to walk my direction to leave and I smiled and said that it looked like he needed some saving (inferring that sometimes people get stuck in conversations when they want to leave). He replied saying that I wasn't saving him, I was dragging him along to this party he didn't want to go to. I was really stunned, I didn't know that it was as awful as he made it sound, so I asked him again if he's sure he wants to go.

 

What the heck? You are basically telling him to Hurry Up, and insulting his project all at once.... like he needs to be saved from it. He feels they bloody need him!

 

Ugh... and asking again... as if he would just whimsically change his mind is another insult. Why not make some passive aggressive digs against his mother while your at it?

 

I told him again that I didn't mind if he stayed. He said,"No, it's okay." So off we went. He didn't speak much during the entire ride there (25 minutes), so when we arrived, I asked him if he was mad or if something was wrong. He said again that he had to be dragged out of the lab and now they couldn't do anything without him because he was the team leader (he is not the Principal Investigator). I told him that he should've spoken up and I would've told him to stay. I told him that I asked him twice if he wanted to stay and he said no. I told him that if it is that important (I wasn't being rude at all, I was calm and sincere) then we could leave and I could drive him back. So he said,"Well we're already here, so it's too late now!!!!" rudely. So I was now upset after I had been calm the whole time. The party was fun, but we didn't say a word to each other. This is what made the lightbulb go off that maybe I shouldn't be in his life right now.

 

Ok... so he is worried about his project, upset that you dont respect it, and your still being massively passive aggressive.

 

If I wasn't in his life, he wouldn't have had this problem. He wouldn't have to do anything that involves me or my family or my life. He wouldn't have any chores. He wouldn't have to go to holiday functions with my family or help me look for gifts for them. He wouldn't have to worry about marrying me or the actual wedding itself. We have talked about marriage and the wedding (though he has not proposed), and he dreads having to socialize with my large family and have a large celebration. About a year ago, both of our moms offered to him the diamonds from their first wedding rings to make a set for me. He hasn't taken up the offer. He says he is too busy to go ask permission from my dad and that it's this whole production that he has to go through to ask. This also leads me to question his commitment to our relationship. Am I not worth the effort?

 

I would not marry you. Period. If I was in love with you, and you acted like this... I might respond the same way by trying to delay and waiting for you to act more mature.

 

While this guy is clearly not perfect. He is somewhat obsessive and borders on lazy.... You have an entirely different set of issues that you need to fix before getting married.

 

You are so passive aggressive that its irritating to read. You seem to be "nicely" naggy... and even though it's nice.... it still comes across as naggy. Plus you seem a tad self absorbed.

 

What would have provided a better result is to not try to rush him out the door. Instead go in and insert yourself into the conversation. Politely ask them about what they are working on... if needed remind him of the time.

 

Next in the car ride. Ask him about the project... show some interest, assure him that the project will turn out great. After validating his feelings talk to him about the structure of the event you are about to attend. Do not ask him questions about his emotional state regarding the event. Allow him to be pessimistic somewhat... just ignore it... it's who he is.

 

Now if I was talking to him... I'd tell him to stop being a pessimistic ass, and overly moody, but I'm not talking to him.

[LaChatteNoire]

What the heck? You are basically telling him to Hurry Up, and insulting his project all at once.... like he needs to be saved from it. He feels they bloody need him!

 

Ugh... and asking again... as if he would just whimsically change his mind is another insult. Why not make some passive aggressive digs against his mother while your at it?

 

Thanks for providing a male's view - it's a different thought process for sure. Yea, I can see how it came across as hurrying him up. I was in a little bit of a rush because we were already almost an hour late. I didn't mean for "save" to be an insult... we use that all the time at work to pull our visiting professors away from a mini-meeting so that we can take them to their next meeting. It made sense to me, but I can see how it came across wrong.

 

I asked again because I felt terrible about pulling him away (given his attitude) and I really wanted him to stay if he wanted to stay. The last thing I wanted was for him to come along anyway and resent me for it. Which is what happened. I was asking him nicely so that I didn't come off passive aggressively. I knew before I said anything that it might come off that way, so I tried to sound as sincere as possible (because that's what I was). I didn't know what else to do or how else to say it. Could I have rephrased it so that it didn't come off that way? Should I have not been concerned that he would've resented me later for having him come along and just pretend to be blind to it?

 

What would have provided a better result is to not try to rush him out the door. Instead go in and insert yourself into the conversation. Politely ask them about what they are working on... if needed remind him of the time.

 

I understand that I should've waited around a little longer. I couldn't insert myself in the conversation because they were talking about their project in their engineering terms, which I wasn't about to ask them to explain. I already knew what they were working on. You are making it sound as if I don't care for his project... I ask him all the time how it's coming along and if they've made progress. We share ideas when he's having trouble with it (even though my understanding of what they are doing is elementary in comparison) and he's used some of my suggestions in his models. I respect the work that he does and also the rarity of an undergrad working in a research lab like his. He knows that I am proud of him.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thanks for providing a male's view - it's a different thought process for sure. Yea, I can see how it came across as hurrying him up. I was in a little bit of a rush because we were already almost an hour late. I didn't mean for "save" to be an insult... we use that all the time at work to pull our visiting professors away from a mini-meeting so that we can take them to their next meeting. It made sense to me, but I can see how it came across wrong.

I asked again because I felt terrible about pulling him away (given his attitude) and I really wanted him to stay if he wanted to stay. The last thing I wanted was for him to come along anyway and resent me for it. Which is what happened. I was asking him nicely so that I didn't come off passive aggressively. I knew before I said anything that it might come off that way, so I tried to sound as sincere as possible (because that's what I was). I didn't know what else to do or how else to say it. Could I have rephrased it so that it didn't come off that way? Should I have not been concerned that he would've resented me later for having him come along and just pretend to be blind to it?

 

I know you didn't mean anything bad. He probably knows that too.... it doesn't stop that from being irritating though.

 

My suggestion would be to not worry about whether he resents it or not. He probably borders on anti-social so he will resist you pushing him to do anything outside of his comfort zone. You can't change it. You should not worry about it. Either accept this as who he is and work with it... or give up on the relationship.

 

I understand that I should've waited around a little longer. I couldn't insert myself in the conversation because they were talking about their project in their engineering terms, which I wasn't about to ask them to explain. I already knew what they were working on. You are making it sound as if I don't care for his project... I ask him all the time how it's coming along and if they've made progress. We share ideas when he's having trouble with it (even though my understanding of what they are doing is elementary in comparison) and he's used some of my suggestions in his models. I respect the work that he does and also the rarity of an undergrad working in a research lab like his. He knows that I am proud of him.

 

Ok, this is very similar to dating a woman. Just because you told her she is pretty yesterday, doesn't mean you don't have to tell her today too.

 

Tell him that you admire him and what he does.

[Seamless74]

the holidays as well as special occasions on all realtionships and exposes weaknesses to a normal relationship the should be taken in stride but in a bad relationship it will only hasten its demise..

 

 

If you had to ask then you already know.. (most times)