dreamingoftigers Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 I can really hear your pain coming through your post. I was pregnant not that long ago with my first child (quite unexpectedly too, I was supposed to be infertile). My husband and I had been married 3 years. He seemed rather uninterested and that placed heavy stress on me. I can only imagine an unstable relationship coupled with not being married coupled with having some other emotional issues (she must have some no doubt) and some moral uncertainty (she is pro-choice or waffling anyways) and that fact you are leaving for Afghanistan would definitely create a powder-keg situation. I know that I had longed for a child for about a decade, but when faced with the pregnancy later on, I was nervous and my aunt counselled me about possibly having an abortion if there was something wrong with the fetus (my brother and sister were both autistic). I am a Mormon (LDS, no polygamy allowed) and I considered it, just due to the stress of having a little one. It is scary to have to face how responsible you are/are not. Put your current circumstances on top of it, and that would make it explosive in some way for just about anyone, most likely though they would not choose to threaten their own child's life in a public forum. She is hoping to get something from you, and that something is definitely to control something out of this situation that she feels she has no control over. Something strongly tells me that this is not out of character for her either. Set those boundaries now, do not let her swing you from left to right on a whim. Either way, by setting those boundaries you are being the best parent you can possibly be. It actually sounds like you are reacting to things she is doing (locking down her fb over a somewhat dubious comment that really could have been discussed rationally). You are not doing the acting. You aren't setting the stage in your own life and relationship, it really sounds like the two of you are either vying to control each other, or submit to each other and right now she holds one hell of a trump card. Tell her straight: "I want to be with you and our child, but I will not tolerate you threatening his or her life. If you end this child, there will be nothing between us. If you have this child, there might be something between us but only if you stop threatening me with impulsively killing it. I love you with all of my heart but I find this behaviour really, really stressful and hurtful and not something I would want to tell our child about in the future, you need to make a decision. This isn't a challenge, but it isn't fair to either one of us wondering day to day whether or not this is going to happen. Everyone in this family is already looking forward to this child. If there is something reasonable I can do to make the situation less stressful for you or something to help you with the ambivalence, tell me and I will do what I can. " Puts the ball squarely in her court. Kids are not pawns. Especially whether a kid lives or not. After you see your child and hold him/her you know how powerful all of this stuff is.
sally4sara Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 What I found on her facebook....A month into her pregnancy a man she had a brief relationship a few years ago commented on how sexy and gorgeous her facebook pic is and that he hopes to see her again. She replied " Thanks Peter, that is really sweet Take Care...... As far as Afghanistan I am going on a month contract so I wiould be back on the end of Jan. I am certian the child is mine becasue we were spent all of our time together... Okay. Thanks for the clarity. Not the big deal I was wondering it might be. She can't control what someone else types. If you're not going to be gone for a tour, then I don't know what her issue is. No wonder you're at such a loss. She is behaving not just irrational but down right hurtful too. But I agree with the poster that said she has probably waited too long to carry out her threat of abortion. I would just let her be for a few weeks more. Contact her to ask how she is doing but keep the conversation light. If she tries to get all threatening, don't let it make you get reactionary; its so not worth it right now. After her time runs out though, its time to sit down and hash it out. She won't be able to threaten abortion after that. Hopefully once that option is gone to her she will calm down knowing the baby is coming and there isn't any stopping it. Maybe right now everything is so up in the air, her hormones have her moody and spiteful, and she has this one option to jump on while she is mad. Maybe once that option is gone, her attitude will run out of steam and she will be more herself. Good luck.
Author aurasys Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Thanks for all the input, I really appreciate it. She did a really good job making me feel like this was all my fault as in her own words a week ago " If things were good between us I would be having this baby" My family has reached out to her and so have I but all I hear is that im pressuring her and she needs breathing room. I dont understand the breathing room when she is 13 weeks pregnant and saying she made an abortion appt. When her mom said otherwise. What stemmed all of theis drama? Shes a cat lover and I am not. She wanted her cat to lay in the bed with us and I said I dont have a problem if she does but Im not into that, I said it respectfully and even picked up her cat to lay in bed with her! I got up and worked in the garage. Do I go no contact? I havent talked to her since thursday from being out of town but told me to call her tonight, should I? I feel if I bring anything up its going to cause more stress on the baby and her...
strength-abounds Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I don't know if going No Contact is the right approach with being a father to a child, even an unborn child. You can go Limited Contact and speak with her only on the issue of the child. Should she have the abortion, institute NO Contact immediately. Keep in mind that No Contact is a tool for YOU to heal from the relationship. It's not a mindf*** tool to reconcile with her. I personally don't think the relationship is worth reconciling anyway, but that's my opinion.
Author aurasys Posted December 13, 2010 Author Posted December 13, 2010 Update : I met her a week ago to pick up some of my things from her place. We talked a little bit, cuddled, she told me her fears, we even had sex twice in the day..I thought everything was going to be fine. We were having dinner and she admits she needs counseling so I offered to make an appt for her. (shes on my benefits at work) she the. Starts in on having an abortion again. So I finally said it's her choice and that I can't take this and I am out of her. I went to grab my phone and she freaked! She grabbed it and tossed it somewhere. I couldn't believe it. I told her to give me an abortion date and I am gone for good (as per what she wants) she tried to physically restrain me from leaving her house but I finally got away. She calls the cops and base me charges with 2 counts is sexual assault! I mean seriously?? I'm going to assaulty pregnant girlfriend?? I honestly think she is mentally not there. She is trying to destroy my life
tinktronik Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Update : I met her a week ago to pick up some of my things from her place. We talked a little bit, cuddled, she told me her fears, we even had sex twice in the day..I thought everything was going to be fine. We were having dinner and she admits she needs counseling so I offered to make an appt for her. (shes on my benefits at work) she the. Starts in on having an abortion again. So I finally said it's her choice and that I can't take this and I am out of her. I went to grab my phone and she freaked! She grabbed it and tossed it somewhere. I couldn't believe it. I told her to give me an abortion date and I am gone for good (as per what she wants) she tried to physically restrain me from leaving her house but I finally got away. She calls the cops and base me charges with 2 counts is sexual assault! I mean seriously?? I'm going to assaulty pregnant girlfriend?? I honestly think she is mentally not there. She is trying to destroy my life I suspected something like this. I don't think you were with this girl long enough to know her. She is going to be very detrimental to your future. Brace yourself. Don't be alone with her again in any capacity. I know this sounds extreme but it's the reality. If you are alone in her presence she will eventually pin you with something that will destroy your life. What happened with the charges? Were you actually charged or arrested for anything?
desertIslandCactus Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 You should hope she gets the abortion because you don't want to be stuck with a child from this woman. She will use a kid as weapon against you as well. Why would you hope that an innocent baby be taken. Many cling to their Own lives to the point of seeking medical, including counseling .. yet a new human life should not survive??
desertIslandCactus Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Update : I met her a week ago to pick up some of my things from her place. We talked a little bit, cuddled, she told me her fears, we even had sex twice in the day..I thought everything was going to be fine. We were having dinner and she admits she needs counseling so I offered to make an appt for her. (shes on my benefits at work) she the. Starts in on having an abortion again. So I finally said it's her choice and that I can't take this and I am out of her. I went to grab my phone and she freaked! She grabbed it and tossed it somewhere. I couldn't believe it. I told her to give me an abortion date and I am gone for good (as per what she wants) she tried to physically restrain me from leaving her house but I finally got away. She calls the cops and base me charges with 2 counts is sexual assault! I mean seriously?? I'm going to assaulty pregnant girlfriend?? I honestly think she is mentally not there. She is trying to destroy my life I am so sorry for this. You are trying - and even providing her with insurance.. Unfortunatly for your own protection, now you can't even be with her.. Nothing is worse than someone who will call law enforcement .. For now, it would seem communication should be only online, and phone..
Recommended Posts