aurasys Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 (edited) Ok heres the situation. My girlfriend and I met in June, fell in love fairly quickly. Shés 33 and I am 32. Our relationship was going awesome and then she called me up at work in Oct to say she is pregnant. After the intial fear, excitement kicked in so we told our families. Her mom even bought a ton of baby supplies for us. So our relationship is going well, planning for the new addition until she hits about 11 weeks. She calls me after work to say that this isnt what she wants, the relationship AND the baby and says she wants an abortion. I felt like a knife was plunged into my heart. I texted her and said if thats what she wants then I said my peace to her tummy and she can do what she wants. She calls me up a few hours later crying saying she cant bear the thought of losing me and the baby and that her sister had talked some sense into her. Is this what hormones do? Make a woman say and do irrational things while pregnant? So anyway, we get back together and everything is fine until another week. I found some inappropriate messages on her facebook and email with some guy and overreacted saying I dont want to be with someone like that ( A few months earlier I caught her sniffing through my phone). She again says its over and that she IS having an abortion but wont tell me where and when. I was devastated. I have done nothing but reassure her that I am sorry for looking in her stuff, it wasnt right. I assured her that I wont do it again as its not important in the grand scheme of things with a baby on the way. So for the last two weeks I have been the enemy, she blames everything on me and said if things were good between us she would be keeping the baby. I have gone to counselling for the past month to try and resolve the reasons for my overreaction, which have nothing to do with her. I told her I dont care what it takes to prove to her that I love her and our baby. My sister called her a week ago to talk to her and my ex kept saing IF I have this abortion. My sis called her out and said what do you mean if, youre telling us you ARE, so then my ex say's "Oh I mean when...After that phone call, my ex changes her cell number so I cant get ahold of her, yet we still emailed as if nothing was wrong and we talked on her home phone since. No mention of the abortion. I talked to her mom lastnight ( she is closest with her mom) and I explained to her how much I love her daughter and the baby and I am ready to take responsability to step up and how sorry I am things got so emotional. Her mom then told me that her daughter hasnt booked any abortion and she felt insulted that I looked through her facebook and email. So my question is, does this sound like a woman who will really go through with it? She is already 13 weeks pregnant. Should I hang in there and try to show support no matter what or should I just walk away? I truely do love this woman, even moreso since she is carrying our child. I have been distraught for the past two weeks over this entire thing... Edited December 5, 2010 by aurasys
tinktronik Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 She sounds like a whole lot of drama. I would suggest you tell this girl/woman that you are committed to raising this child in a supportive, loving household if she has it and you are also willing to accept it if she chooses *** at this point (as in the next week)*** if she has an abortion but that you are not willing to have the life of your unborn child held over your head and used to manipulate you. Then you need to stick to your guns. If she continues to play the I'm going to abort your child because you didn't do exactly what I wanted you don't need to speak to her anymore until the birth of your child. You can't be supportive to a crazy manipulative person, hormones or not. I'm a pregnant woman and what your gf/ex gf is doing is seriously manipulative and kind of sick. Boy I don't envy you the torture that may come after this baby is born.
Author aurasys Posted December 5, 2010 Author Posted December 5, 2010 I am also leaving for Afghanistan in 2 weeks..Do I chalk this up to hormones making her crazy? I have read alot that in the first trimester women do and say crazy things..
desertIslandCactus Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Thank you for hanging in there in a responsible manner and trying to embrace your girl friend and your baby. It's obvious she's going through conflict, as she is acquainting a relationship with you, as to whether she should have the baby. She doesn't seem to know if she wants that permanent committment ... Fortuneatly her parents are trying to reinforce her having the baby and you are too.. And yes, hormones and fear probably have a place in this. In these relationships out of marriage where there is a pregnancy, the babies are the innocents.. Thank you for continuing to reinforce that she must deliver the baby. Whether or not the two of you are supposed to be together, can be discovered through time.
tinktronik Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 I am also leaving for Afghanistan in 2 weeks..Do I chalk this up to hormones making her crazy? I have read alot that in the first trimester women do and say crazy things.. How would you know what to chalk it up to? You haven't known her long enough to know one way or the other. She may just be a person that uses the tools at her disposal to manipulate. I have never heard of a pregnant woman (that would not do it outside of pregnancy as well) use their unborn child as a threat toward their other parent. Hormones does not ring true. I actually have an active thread about having urges to run from my relationship (a long-term one) due to pregnancy related issues, but I would never take it to my spouse as a threat on his baby to be. Really, you have 2 weeks left state-side, this is completely unfair and not cool. You need to set your boundaries of what you will and won't accept here.
theBrokenMuse Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 I'm sorry I don't have much advice to offer you other than to tell you I have only heard of this 'threatening abortion' tactic used by manipulative drama seekers. I don't think it's the hormones talking. I think you are seeing the kind of person she really is.
suddendumpee Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 I have never heard of a pregnant woman (that would not do it outside of pregnancy as well) use their unborn child as a threat toward their other parent. Hormones does not ring true. Ditto. She has some serious psychological issues. I can't believe anyone would threaten murdering a baby as leverage...not to mention try to blame the murder on the other for "not making the relationship smoother". Wow.
fiat500 Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 it's not the hormones talking. it's her. She's using the baby as a form of control. She's a very manipulative girl.
aurastate Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 thanks for all the replys so far, that is where I am conflicted because I love her and the baby dearly. I know I deserve a second chance at this but I also know its not all of my fault. I have told her that I will supprt her no matter what her decision is, I just dont get why she is being so cold, it was like an instant change..
sally4sara Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Yes, the hormones during pregnancy can make a woman irrational. Its a vulnerable situation to be in. In more ways than a committed relationship brings, your choices and actions are no longer yours alone right down to what you choose to eat and drink and what activities you participate in. A woman without the support of her partner can feel like pregnancy is a prison sentence. Especially if its her first child because she has no experience to compare it to. She doesn't know what it will be like after the birth either the way a second time mom would. You may voice your support, but if you're leaving, she may feel she is being abandoned anyway. Will you even be back for the birth? Could it be that she is worried you won't come back from Afghanistan at all and terrified she will be a widowed new mother? When you say the facebook messages were inappropriate, I don't know how your standards of appropriate are defined. What was the inappropriate nature of these messages? How I define it may be very different from your definition. Simply saying they were inappropriate makes me wonder if someone else might be the father. Without knowing what you found, its hard to say if that is a viable assumption though. Why is she so upset about you looking through her facebook if she goes through your phone? Did she give you any reasons for why she went through your phone that make it different from you looking through her facebook? Was she looking through your phone before or after she was pregnant? Either way, her time to choose an abortion is running out. the cost of one goes up for every week you get closer to not being able to get one. I helped a girl who was impregnated against her will to find a good clinic and help her get home after the procedure. She was 6 weeks and it cost just under $700. A few other less savory clinics priced it as low as $400 but they all said that every week you wait costs you another $100 - $150. If she is 13 weeks along it could cost over $2000. I've always thought it was stupid to get one so late. $2000 would go a good way to purchasing items for a new baby rather than ending it when clearly if you were 100% sure about your choice, you'd have gotten one earlier. Abortion is always an unfortunate choice, but even more so would be the regret you have to deal with if you were uncertain and got one anyway on top of it.
suddendumpee Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Either way, her time to choose an abortion is running out. the cost of one goes up for every week you get closer to not being able to get one. I helped a girl who was impregnated against her will to find a good clinic and help her get home after the procedure. She was 6 weeks and it cost just under $700. A few other less savory clinics priced it as low as $400 but they all said that every week you wait costs you another $100 - $150. If she is 13 weeks along it could cost over $2000. Lesson learned. If you want to murder a baby, you must act NOW. The sale ends soon. Prices are only going up. If you want the best possible deal for child murder, please call in the next 15 minutes!" What has this world come to?
sally4sara Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Lesson learned. If you want to murder a baby, you must act NOW. The sale ends soon. Prices are only going up. If you want the best possible deal for child murder, please call in the next 15 minutes!" What has this world come to? Sorry it bothers you that people might want to be educated on the details of the choices they are weighing. Since I didn't ask you for your help, you can leave off trying to engage me in a discussion. I'll extend you the same courtesy.
theBrokenMuse Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Lesson learned. If you want to murder a baby, you must act NOW. The sale ends soon. Prices are only going up. If you want the best possible deal for child murder, please call in the next 15 minutes!" What has this world come to? (The above rhetoric didn't warrant a full ten character response.)
strength-abounds Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Lesson learned. If you want to murder a baby, you must act NOW. The sale ends soon. Prices are only going up. If you want the best possible deal for child murder, please call in the next 15 minutes!" What has this world come to? Roe v. Wade, 1972. Might want to look it up.
aurastate Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Yes, the hormones during pregnancy can make a woman irrational. Its a vulnerable situation to be in. In more ways than a committed relationship brings, your choices and actions are no longer yours alone right down to what you choose to eat and drink and what activities you participate in. A woman without the support of her partner can feel like pregnancy is a prison sentence. Especially if its her first child because she has no experience to compare it to. She doesn't know what it will be like after the birth either the way a second time mom would. You may voice your support, but if you're leaving, she may feel she is being abandoned anyway. Will you even be back for the birth? Could it be that she is worried you won't come back from Afghanistan at all and terrified she will be a widowed new mother? When you say the facebook messages were inappropriate, I don't know how your standards of appropriate are defined. What was the inappropriate nature of these messages? How I define it may be very different from your definition. Simply saying they were inappropriate makes me wonder if someone else might be the father. Without knowing what you found, its hard to say if that is a viable assumption though. Why is she so upset about you looking through her facebook if she goes through your phone? Did she give you any reasons for why she went through your phone that make it different from you looking through her facebook? Was she looking through your phone before or after she was pregnant? Either way, her time to choose an abortion is running out. the cost of one goes up for every week you get closer to not being able to get one. I helped a girl who was impregnated against her will to find a good clinic and help her get home after the procedure. She was 6 weeks and it cost just under $700. A few other less savory clinics priced it as low as $400 but they all said that every week you wait costs you another $100 - $150. If she is 13 weeks along it could cost over $2000. I've always thought it was stupid to get one so late. $2000 would go a good way to purchasing items for a new baby rather than ending it when clearly if you were 100% sure about your choice, you'd have gotten one earlier. Abortion is always an unfortunate choice, but even more so would be the regret you have to deal with if you were uncertain and got one anyway on top of it. What I found on her facebook....A month into her pregnancy a man she had a brief relationship a few years ago commented on how sexy and gorgeous her facebook pic is and that he hopes to see her again. She replied " Thanks Peter, that is really sweet Take Care...... As far as Afghanistan I am going on a month contract so I wiould be back on the end of Jan. I am certian the child is mine becasue we were spent all of our time together...
strength-abounds Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 I wish I had advice for you my friend. You are in quite the pickle. Keep your head down over there. Good Luck and God Bless.
aurastate Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 She got upset about facebook because after I told her I did it and questioned her on the message she instantly said shes having an abortion, so I locked her facebook and email down for a couple hours aying that if shes can take something away, so can I. It was the heat of the moment emotions and I regretted doing it..
phillygirl Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Is this what hormones do? Make a woman say and do irrational things while pregnant? only if she's being manipulative. from what you described in your post she sounds a bit melodramatic, and is using the "hormones" as an excuse to create this "drama." what reads significant to me, is her constant "flip-flopping" and grandiose "announcements" of her plans, motivated by your "perceived" ill-doings towards her; juxtaposed by the fact that she's made no formal abortion plan. my "magic 8 ball" says, "unlikely." for both the abortion, and any serious long-term relationship, unless she addresses the root of her histrionic behavior. she did this for one reason, to upset you, and make you feel responsible for her unhappiness and subsequently the termination of this pregnancy. unfortunately, this behavior--albeit frustrating-- is not original. nor related to any pregnancy hormones. good luck.
strength-abounds Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 It sounds like she using the threat of abortion as a manipulation tool against you. Unfortunately, as the father of the child, you are victim to her mindf*** games. The way I see, you have only 2 options. Option 1 is to be the best father you can be should she decide to go full term with the child. Option 2 is accept her decision to abort the pregnancy, regardless of your stance on raising a child. Either way, the ball is in her court and she knows that. Frankly, if it was me, I would stop playing her games. She is either going to give birth to it or abort it. Call her bluff.
aurastate Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 How should I call her bluff? I love her and the baby but I am at the point of saying screw it and walking away
brown03 Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Not sure if anyone has said anything about this but i'm going to say it again just because I went through this exact thing. One we did get it and when we went they had to do a test and everything because after 3 months they can no longer do an abortion because it's to far along. Two believe me if she gets the abortion it is going to put so much stress on the relationship alot of people think it's done and done but its not because girls wont talk about it and they bottle it up that they are hurt from it and then they take it out on you. Atleast this was the case for me after it she always acted like things were fine but they weren't and I would ask her about it and she so no I don't even think about it. Also if she shows any signs of hesitant s they wont let her do it she has to go through talking to a counselor and then testing and usually it takes awhile to get it. Believe me she isn't going to get it at all.
brown03 Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 P.S when my ex was pregnant everything bothered her 10 times more then it did usually. And I think we broke up 5 or 6 times during it and argued alot more.
Woggle Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 You should hope she gets the abortion because you don't want to be stuck with a child from this woman. She will use a kid as weapon against you as well.
EricaH329 Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Wow, this is very unfortunate to read!! It's obvious she has some mental issues. Using a baby to manipulate you? She doesn't sound like a very good person. I know that you love her, but you need to see this situation for what it really is. Hormones or no hormones, she is threatening to take away something very precious to you if you do not bow to her needs. Do you think it will stop here? No way. Once she has this baby (which i'm going to bet she will), it will be like that until the child turns 18 and can make decisions for his/herself. I'm extremely sorry that you have to go through this. No one deserves to have such a precious thing dangled above their heads like that. You should be able to see that's what she is doing. My advice to you, is to break off the relationship with her. Tell her you want the child, and that if she decides to get an abortion then at least she knows where you stand. You won't put up with this from her.
strength-abounds Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 How should I call her bluff? I love her and the baby but I am at the point of saying screw it and walking away Then walk away. There are good dads to good kids without having to deal with the emotional drama that will accompany the mother. That's what I meant by calling her bluff. I truly think she will not have an abortion. If she wanted to have one, it would have been already. The longer a woman is pregnant with a baby, the stronger the connection she develops with the baby. Unless she truly a heartless b****.
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