MM dont deserve your heart but you still give it.

[TigerCub]

TC, these words couldn't come on a better day! I am so angry at myself for believing everything that that SOB said to me. I look back and can now see so many lies and cannot believe I was stupid enough to believe them. I swear I was walking around in a fog.

 

I completely understand what you're going through.

I questioned a LOT of things, but I let a LOT of stuff slide as well - and that is something I regret.

 

But, really, all we can do is learn from our mistakes and not be so trusting and so willing to give anyone the benefit of the doubt.

 

I think its the feeling of being "tricked" that hurts the most - and that was something I always thought of with regards to his baby momma - that's why I had so much guilt about the EA / (limited) PA.

 

He didn't have those feelings of guilt - which really just reinforces the fact that these MMs are willing to hurt anyone with their lies, as long as they get what they feel is missing.

 

Thanks for your insight.

You're welcome

 

And stay strong sweetie - It'll take some time, but the strength you muster up will amaze you!

[TigerCub]

I agree with this, too. I did believe but then there comes a time, there MUST come a time, when you see the pattern for what it is. Now, having been out of the situation for a while (kinda), I have the benefit of hindsight, which has only served to confirm those niggling doubts that became less and less niggly as time went on. Also, I don't know where the emotional strength would come from to wait and wait and never know for sure. So many fantastic people wasted on those who won't prioritise them. It's such a shame.

 

I agree, and I find that really sad as well.

 

I just knew that I'm not going to waste my youth and hotness and all my potential waiting for a liar that I wouldn't trust even if he did ever leave baby momma!

 

Sooo not worth the wasted time!

 

btw Hazy, I luv the new pic!

[half_ofa_heart]

I stay strong but am tested with each of his attempts to keep me hanging on (i.e. FB posts or IM's which I'm trying to block). I long for the day where my every thought is not consumed by him. I simply cannot wait for that day.

 

Thanks for your support.

[TigerCub]

I stay strong but am tested with each of his attempts to keep me hanging on (i.e. FB posts or IM's which I'm trying to block). I long for the day where my every thought is not consumed by him. I simply cannot wait for that day.

 

I understand, and good for you for planning on blocking him - that will limit the temptation to reply and get in touch with him.

 

Thanks for your support.

Anytime

[Hazyhead]

I agree, and I find that really sad as well.

 

I just knew that I'm not going to waste my youth and hotness and all my potential waiting for a liar that I wouldn't trust even if he did ever leave baby momma!

 

Sooo not worth the wasted time!

 

btw Hazy, I luv the new pic!

 

 

That's the attitude! He ain't deserving... Next!

[Hazyhead]

I stay strong but am tested with each of his attempts to keep me hanging on (i.e. FB posts or IM's which I'm trying to block). I long for the day where my every thought is not consumed by him. I simply cannot wait for that day.

 

Thanks for your support.

 

It's good that you see them as attempts to keep you hanging on; he's manipulating you and I know how easy it is to be sucked in, but stay strong and that day, when, at most, he's a brief passing thought will come.

 

Hugs to ya.

Hazy

[phillygirl]

And, sadly, SO many people just can't conceive of their MM lying to them.

 

exactly! a similar analogy is when children misbehave and parents retort, "not my kid."

 

when i dated a mm (many, many years ago) the lies he told to his wife made me think, "hey, if he'll openly lie to her, than why wouldn't he do that to me?"

 

leaving him (and subsequently falling in love and MARRYING my own man) was the BEST THING i did for my emotional, and relationship health.

 

for those who purport that "there is no 'on/off switch'" when they rationalize their relationship with MM, there is one...it's called therapy.

[half_ofa_heart]

It's good that you see them as attempts to keep you hanging on; he's manipulating you and I know how easy it is to be sucked in, but stay strong and that day, when, at most, he's a brief passing thought will come.

 

Hugs to ya.

Hazy

 

Thanks Hazy. Taking it one day (and breath) at a time.

[UntoldStory]

for those who purport that "there is no 'on/off switch'" when they rationalize their relationship with MM, there is one...it's called therapy.

 

If only therapy truly was the magic bullet... Unfortunately, it's one thing to understand the whys of your behaviors and attractions, but quite another to turn them off and on. I believe therapy provides a necessary base to change behavior, but you still have to find the strength to make the decision to change.

[MorningCoffee]

If only therapy truly was the magic bullet... Unfortunately, it's one thing to understand the whys of your behaviors and attractions, but quite another to turn them off and on. I believe therapy provides a necessary base to change behavior, but you still have to find the strength to make the decision to change.

 

Agreed . . .

[Hazyhead]

If only therapy truly was the magic bullet... Unfortunately, it's one thing to understand the whys of your behaviors and attractions, but quite another to turn them off and on. I believe therapy provides a necessary base to change behavior, but you still have to find the strength to make the decision to change.

 

Also agreed. God, think of the possibilities if therapy did immediately arm with an on/off switch! I think the KEY is strength and the desire to use it to change.

[wheelwright]

Why do you give the mm the priviledge of keeping your life tied up?

 

MM dont deserve your heart, your dedication, your single lifestyle being shut down, your devotion, your commitment, your precious time, your body, your mind, your broken heart, and your emotions.

 

If you are going to deal with a mm with a full family and all, why give him your heart? Why make him the center of your life? Why not think like a man and do what you got to do until you meet someone else and send back home to the wife or to the next ow he about to get? Why do you have to fall in love and go thru all this pain, rollercoaster stuff. Why do it this way when you can do it another way IF YOU want to be with another womans husband.

 

Because your feelings make you think it might be worth it.

 

And because we play the gambler. It seems like a safe bet at the time - he doesn't love her she is cold and distant. It seems like a good bet.

 

OW/OM don't really know how cocked the die are.

 

We don't get the odds.

[Breezy Trousers]

Because it's a gamble, but one OW believes she will ultimately win. I can understand that, too, because how can a "dowdy" spouse possibly compare to the excitement of someone new and totally focused on MM with laser-beam precision? I think that's the line of thinking. It was for me -- for a while, anyway.

 

If there is emptiness in an OW's life, I believe she will be particularly vulnerable crossing boundaries to play the affair lottery. However, as the quote goes, "Don't make someone a priority when they only make you an option." OW may be seeking security in something that is hopelessly insecure.

 

Curiously, after my own recent temptation with a MM, I caught myself having less empathy for OW than I did when I was the BS years ago. My feeling was, "I constantly walked away from temptation over & over for two years, so why can't you?" However, I now see that my marriage was content (if not ecstatically exciting after two decades). I didn't want throw something real away on a dangerous sexual indulgence with MM, no matter how palpable the chemistry was. However, it may have been a entirely different story for me if I vaguely felt I was missing something in life when MM approached me .... So maybe that's what causes people to cross the line? Maybe OW hope MM will bring fulfillment and structure to their life? People who are vulnerable, whether they know it or not?

 

It's no accident that when my MM realized it was not going to happen between us, he quickly moved on to an easier target at our workplace-- another people-pleaser woman, but this time, one who recently divorced, has no family here and who is dissatisfied with her job. I sometimes imagine she's flattered that Mr. Powerful recognizes her as a confidant and intimate. I remember how I was flattered by his attentions, not yet realizing I was just an interchangeable part to him. The minute he realized he wasn't going to have me, the mask dropped, and there was nothing but rot on the other side of it.

 

Many MM have a sixth sense for who is vulnerable and who "might" have spongy boundaries. Of course, they won't advertise that fact. They just make OW feel special, as my MM did with me..... It's not much different from the way a pedophile grooms a child with a shared intimacy: "We're going to have this special relationship, but it's going to be our little secret."

 

But the marriage boundary is always there. No one forces us to walk over it.

 

It was easy for me. I consciously chose to stay away from MM, so I never got on the train. It has to be much harder when you step aboard the train and it leaves the station.

Edited December 7, 2010 by Breezy Trousers