MM dont deserve your heart but you still give it.

[9Lives]

Why do you give the mm the priviledge of keeping your life tied up?

 

MM dont deserve your heart, your dedication, your single lifestyle being shut down, your devotion, your commitment, your precious time, your body, your mind, your broken heart, and your emotions.

 

If you are going to deal with a mm with a full family and all, why give him your heart? Why make him the center of your life? Why not think like a man and do what you got to do until you meet someone else and send back home to the wife or to the next ow he about to get? Why do you have to fall in love and go thru all this pain, rollercoaster stuff. Why do it this way when you can do it another way IF YOU want to be with another womans husband.

[SunsetRed]

You are right. I keep listening to Beyonce's song If I were A Boy for my think like a man motivation.

 

One poster on here refers to her xMM as a CPOS (coward peice of ****)

 

That's what my guy is, yet my heart still aches for him. I am doing what I logically know I need to do and am going through the motions of getting over him. What my body continues to feel is another story.

 

I poured my heart out in an email that I saved to draft and didn't send. If I thought like a man, I'd never send it..I'd just go look for the next person to suck dry or screw. Maybe there's a less cynical way for me to think like a man...just go focus on myself.

[spice4life]

Why do you give the mm the priviledge of keeping your life tied up?

 

MM dont deserve your heart, your dedication, your single lifestyle being shut down, your devotion, your commitment, your precious time, your body, your mind, your broken heart, and your emotions.

 

If you are going to deal with a mm with a full family and all, why give him your heart? Why make him the center of your life? Why not think like a man and do what you got to do until you meet someone else and send back home to the wife or to the next ow he about to get? Why do you have to fall in love and go thru all this pain, rollercoaster stuff. Why do it this way when you can do it another way IF YOU want to be with another womans husband.

 

That's all well and good if you can do that. I for one cannot. I tried and it didn't work for me so I had to let go. Besides, it's tough when you heart gets involved to put that aside and just accept it for what it is. No matter how I looked at it, I still always felt like I was accepting crumbs and that's not me. I don't like feeling that way so I had to be true to myself and make a decision - being in an A just wasn't right for me. I'm not built to handle it.

[blinded_27]

Wow, you've read my mind. I've thought about this do many times.

 

NC never works for me, and I'm definitely not at "that" point yet where i want to let go. Maybe it's because he's separated now, it feels like were getting one step closer, but he's still "confused" between me and his wife, and at the end of the day I know it would never work out for us long term anyway. So I told myself I'll just keep him on the side until I am able to emotionally detach myself from him and walk away.

 

But that means not caring when he goes to visit his wife, and ignoring the fact that he texts her all the time and tells her how much he misses her... It's soooo hard

 

I'm hoping it might be easier for me to deal with it this way rather than just not talking to him at all. I find when I'm with him, I see his flaws better and better... When we're NC, I put him up on a pedistal for some reason. It's so backwards!

[spice4life]

Wow, you've read my mind. I've thought about this do many times.

 

NC never works for me, and I'm definitely not at "that" point yet where i want to let go. Maybe it's because he's separated now, it feels like were getting one step closer, but he's still "confused" between me and his wife, and at the end of the day I know it would never work out for us long term anyway. So I told myself I'll just keep him on the side until I am able to emotionally detach myself from him and walk away.

 

But that means not caring when he goes to visit his wife, and ignoring the fact that he texts her all the time and tells her how much he misses her... It's soooo hard

 

I'm hoping it might be easier for me to deal with it this way rather than just not talking to him at all. I find when I'm with him, I see his flaws better and better... When we're NC, I put him up on a pedistal for some reason. It's so backwards!

 

Awww blinded...((((hugs)))). Your heart is still involved so of course it's going to be hard. I totally understand where you are coming from as I was there too. Like you, toward the end, I put him in a box like to OP suggests and soon after I realized it was the death rattle of the relationship. It was my last step before finally being able to let go.

 

NC doesn't work until you are truly ready, so don't beat yourself up. When you are ready you will know it. And after that, you won't ever want to be involved with a man who is thinking of another woman. It's a horrible heart wrenching place to be. We all deserve so much better than that.

[half_ofa_heart]

I tell myself those things everyday. I know I deserve better but saying and doing are two different things. I've taken baby steps towards no contact but haven't completely cut him out. I started by telling him to leave me alone, which didn't work. So, I ignore his IM's, phone calls and emails - but I still get them. This morning I HID him, his wife and his daughter from my FB so I don't have to see their posts as they were and are heart wrenching. I cannot delete them because then his wife will think something's up so I just hide them for now.

 

I'm on day 12 of NC but I guess its more like LC since I still hear from him. But I will say this... LS is helping me soooo much with even my veil efforts. I love him still but at least now I can see so many flaws in him whereas I never did before. I can only hope that because it is the holiday season, he will be more preoccupied with his family and grow tired of trying to contact me without a response.

 

Wish me luck and again, thank you to all of you who have helped me see what I couldn't see before.

[siuys]

Sometimes you just don't know what you're getting into until you're in it. Then once you've fallen for him it's not so easy just to walk away. I wish it was. I've tried to make it black and white so I can walk away – write him off I tell myself. He's married I tell myself. All you had was an A with a married man, I tell myself. It doesn't work that simply unfortunately. So now I deal with the painful as well as the OK days while on NC, with the goal of moving on and living my life without him in it. I have failed few times breaking or responding to his breaking NC. But every time that happens, things' been the same. I am still weak, and I don't even trust myself anymore at this stage, but I want this to be it.

[BB07]

................

so i told myself i'll just keep him on the side until i am able to emotionally detach myself from him and walk away.are you fooling yourself?

 

 

but that means not caring when he goes to visit his wife, and ignoring the fact that he texts her all the time and tells her how much he misses her... It's soooo hard

again are you fooling yourself, pretending? What good does that do you?

 

i'm hoping it might be easier for me to deal with it this way rather than just not talking to him at all. I find when i'm with him, i see his flaws better and better... When we're nc, i put him up on a pedistal for some reason. It's so backwards!

[Ellin]

Why do you give the mm the priviledge of keeping your life tied up?

 

MM dont deserve your heart, your dedication, your single lifestyle being shut down, your devotion, your commitment, your precious time, your body, your mind, your broken heart, and your emotions.

 

If you are going to deal with a mm with a full family and all, why give him your heart? Why make him the center of your life? Why not think like a man and do what you got to do until you meet someone else and send back home to the wife or to the next ow he about to get? Why do you have to fall in love and go thru all this pain, rollercoaster stuff. Why do it this way when you can do it another way IF YOU want to be with another womans husband.

 

Those OW who purposefully set out to be with "another woman's husband" do exactly what you propose.

 

But the majority has no intention of being with "another woman's husband" before they get into the A, things just "happen" and people fall in love, and only for that reason they stay in a situation in which they're not happy. This is the usual order of events, not the other way around.

 

And once you're in love with someone you don't have w switch to press that would make your feelings for this person magically disappear and you could stay with them in this calculated way you're talking about.

 

If there was a switch like that most OW who aren't happy but find it hard to leave because they're in love would not stay after using this button.

[woinlove]

Those OW who purposefully set out to be with "another woman's husband" do exactly what you propose.

 

But the majority has no intention of being with "another woman's husband" before they get into the A, things just "happen" and people fall in love, and only for that reason they stay in a situation in which they're not happy. This is the usual order of events, not the other way around.

 

And once you're in love with someone you don't have w switch to press that would make your feelings for this person magically disappear and you could stay with them in this calculated way you're talking about.

 

If there was a switch like that most OW who aren't happy but find it hard to leave because they're in love would not stay after using this button.

 

This may apply to some teenage or immature OW who don't have any experience in interacting with potential romantic partners. But for adults, after noticing the initial attraction/interest, some chose to continue knowing the person is married to someone else and some chose not to because of that marital status.

[9Lives]

Sometimes you just don't know what you're getting into until you're in it. Then once you've fallen for him it's not so easy just to walk away. I wish it was. I've tried to make it black and white so I can walk away – write him off I tell myself. He's married I tell myself. All you had was an A with a married man, I tell myself. It doesn't work that simply unfortunately. So now I deal with the painful as well as the OK days while on NC, with the goal of moving on and living my life without him in it. I have failed few times breaking or responding to his breaking NC. But every time that happens, things' been the same. I am still weak, and I don't even trust myself anymore at this stage, but I want this to be it.

 

But damm the heart and the feelings....IT IS A DEAD END. It is a waste of emotions and time and life. YOUR Life. If you know that ....why keep going thru it. Its one thing if you dont know...but you KNOW. This aint gonna work. Why keep doing this to yourself?

[9Lives]

Those OW who purposefully set out to be with "another woman's husband" do exactly what you propose.

 

But the majority has no intention of being with "another woman's husband" before they get into the A, things just "happen" and people fall in love, and only for that reason they stay in a situation in which they're not happy. This is the usual order of events, not the other way around.

 

And once you're in love with someone you don't have w switch to press that would make your feelings for this person magically disappear and you could stay with them in this calculated way you're talking about.

 

If there was a switch like that most OW who aren't happy but find it hard to leave because they're in love would not stay after using this button.

 

But damm the heart and the feelings....IT IS A DEAD END. It is a waste of emotions and time and life. YOUR Life. If you know that ....why keep going thru it. Its one thing if you dont know...but you KNOW. This aint gonna work. Why keep doing this to yourself?

 

I know some people get caught up. I understand that. If you cant leave him alone, then go get a life ...a real life. Not his life, his way, his things....go get your own life.

[Sidtheskid]

But damm the heart and the feelings....IT IS A DEAD END. It is a waste of emotions and time and life. YOUR Life. If you know that ....why keep going thru it. Its one thing if you dont know...but you KNOW. This aint gonna work. Why keep doing this to yourself?

 

I know some people get caught up. I understand that. If you cant leave him alone, then go get a life ...a real life. Not his life, his way, his things....go get your own life.

 

Why the assumption that OW don't have their own life? A real life?

[TigerCub]

Why do you give the mm the priviledge of keeping your life tied up?

 

MM dont deserve your heart, your dedication, your single lifestyle being shut down, your devotion, your commitment, your precious time, your body, your mind, your broken heart, and your emotions.

 

If you are going to deal with a mm with a full family and all, why give him your heart? Why make him the center of your life? Why not think like a man and do what you got to do until you meet someone else and send back home to the wife or to the next ow he about to get? Why do you have to fall in love and go thru all this pain, rollercoaster stuff. Why do it this way when you can do it another way IF YOU want to be with another womans husband.

 

That's the thing that bugged me the most.

I am normally capable of doing that - having sex without emotions or getting all caught up with that kinda crap.

 

But - most MMs are crafty lil f**kers!

Most of them sidle upto a pretty single girl and talk about how they're separated and how the relationship is over - that they don't even live together, etc...

 

Then they become that girl's "Friend"

 

Then they profess their love, and by then feelings develop, some truths are mixed in with lies and it gets so confusing when there is so much emotion there, but there's also a nagging doubt that it all started out based on a lie.

 

That's how it happened with me at least - and funny enough, xMM was one person I didn't have sex (well...intercourse)...with because I knew that with him I couldn't do it (like a guy) and be able to f**k him without developing stronger feelings.

 

I honestly don't think that most women go out looking to dig their claws into a married man, and ruin someone's marriage. I truly do believe that most of the time, it happens under false pretense and that's because the MMs :eek: lie :eek:

 

selfish cowardly bastards!!!

 

Either way - glad I never f**ked that guy - and he was just dying to get it .... haha he can go f**k himself!!

Also glad that I was the one to walk away.

[donnamaybe]

But - most MMs are crafty lil f**kers!

And, sadly, SO many people just can't conceive of their MM lying to them.

[TigerCub]

And, sadly, SO many people just can't conceive of their MM lying to them.

 

True...but I think love makes us want to give them the benefit of the doubt - I think that also explains why a lot of BSs don't allow themselves to think that their spouses are really having affairs, despite all the nagging doubts and instincts that say otherwise - love can really screw a person over

 

I had no reason to think this guy I just met was lying to me - but once I found out about the situation (as much as I knew of it) - it was hard to trust him - I questioned everything and had a lot of doubts, and I think that annoyed him - that I didn't just "trust in him" and "take his word"

[Quiet Storm]

I think for the most part, they are just naive. They also make way too many assumptions.

 

Maybe they didn't have a dad around to tell them how many men operate. Maybe they don't have enough life experience to see it for themselves. Some have low self esteem, some a false sense of importance.

 

Many women underestimate the lengths some men will go to for regular sex and adoration.

 

In the beginning, they assume that because this man is showing interest in them, that he is not happy in his marriage.

 

They take what OM says at face value. The complaints about his wife, the compliments, the "your my best friend" stuff. They believe it. They assume that OM would not risk his marriage unless he was done with it. OM pursues, either obviously or sneakily ("friendship") and sets the OW up so she feels oh-so-special. And it works. OW thinks that because OM has pursued her that he wants a relationship. A real one. One with a future. And OM plays along because he wants to keep the sex and adoration coming.

 

They don't get that OM wants an affair only. In their mind, the simple fact that he is looking outside of the marriage to get his needs met, means that he wants to leave the marriage. It's a very dangerous assumption to make, but it's easy to see why so many women make it. Unless someone enlightens us, we think men are going to act like we do. Women don't usually pursue someone else for sex and adoration only. If we haven’t been schooled on the male sex (thanks, dad), we don’t understand how much of a motivation sex can be for a guy.

 

Not all OM are predatory guys looking for the dumbest chick to work their lines on. Some really do love OW. But here’s where another assumption comes in….OW think that because OM loves them, that he is going to leave the marriage.

 

Love. For many women, love and coupledom are a very important. Feelings, emotions, worries about our relationships occupy a lot of our headspace. Again, many of these OW haven’t been educated on the true nature of men. For most women, love = goal of being together. But it’s not really like that for men. They are not driven as much by their emotions. They are more practical. They marry and if the sex and romance lasts with the wife, great. If not, they get those needs met elsewhere. They aren’t going to start over because of it. Love and romance are extra toppings for men, they are not essential. To most men, “feelings” are not enough to make drastic changes in their lives.

 

JMO.

Edited December 6, 2010 by Quiet Storm

[Star_Bright]

That's the thing that bugged me the most.

I am normally capable of doing that - having sex without emotions or getting all caught up with that kinda crap.

 

But - most MMs are crafty lil f**kers!

Most of them sidle upto a pretty single girl and talk about how they're separated and how the relationship is over - that they don't even live together, etc...

 

Then they become that girl's "Friend"

 

Then they profess their love, and by then feelings develop, some truths are mixed in with lies and it gets so confusing when there is so much emotion there, but there's also a nagging doubt that it all started out based on a lie.

 

That's how it happened with me at least - and funny enough, xMM was one person I didn't have sex (well...intercourse)...with because I knew that with him I couldn't do it (like a guy) and be able to f**k him without developing stronger feelings.

 

I honestly don't think that most women go out looking to dig their claws into a married man, and ruin someone's marriage. I truly do believe that most of the time, it happens under false pretense and that's because the MMs :eek: lie :eek:

 

selfish cowardly bastards!!!

 

Either way - glad I never f**ked that guy - and he was just dying to get it .... haha he can go f**k himself!!

Also glad that I was the one to walk away.

 

Hi TigerCub - as you probably know, I totally agree and can really relate.

 

At first I really thought of what exMM and I were doing as a total fling. I even kind of bragged to myself that I was just having fun and excitement and I knew it would never lead to anything serious and that's what I honestly wanted at the time and maybe even why I did it. YES, now I totally know I was having my own fun at the expense of his wife and family, and part of me knew that then but just blocked it out and thought, what they don't know won't hurt them, and made excuses/justifications and bought into his boo hoo stories about her etc. I'm not saying I think what I did was right (and I guess that's why it brought me a lot of pain!), but I'm saying that at first I just want NSA, fun exciting sex/adventure.

 

But my relationship with exMM became very all-consuming. I don't know if it's just my exMM or most of them or what but he was pretty dang selfish... he wanted all of me -- my heart, body, soul, all exclusively to him even though he was married to someone else. And I stupidly gave it to him. For awhile it felt like I had no other choice, it was like some kind of a drug that sucked out everything else within me so that it could take up residence.

 

It was wonderful and horrible all at the same time. I still tried to keep things in perspective and never really believed that he was actually going to leave even though he repeatedly told me he was. I mean, that is the problem... here I was trying hard to maintain my grip on reality but there he was telling me, without me ever asking him or demanding anything, that he was going to leave and wanted to be with me and to please have faith in him/us and believe him and stick it out with him etc. I really do think he believed himself and was fooling himself as much as I was fooling myself by thinking it wouldn't hurt that bad in the end since I knew going in that it was a dead end.

 

Well oh boy was I obviously wrong, it hurt like crap and was so hard to get away from. But like you I too feel stronger that I am the one who walked away. Honestly I think he had some kind of sub-conscious desire to destroy me and make me his OW forever. I know that sounds horrible and I don't mean like, he's a purposeful monster, I just mean it was the nature of our relationship and honestly probably his nature to be like that -- all or nothing which is one of the things I actually liked about him. But it was destroying my spirit and I would much rather have walked away than of my own volition than kept believing him and waiting and hoping until he finally just disappeared or threw me under the bus one last final time.

 

In this way my relationship with exMM always makes me think of that line from the song Hallelujah: "All I ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you." Sad but true!

[UntoldStory]

I think for the most part, they are just naive. They also make way too many assumptions.

 

Maybe they didn't have a dad around to tell them how many men operate. Maybe they don't have enough life experience to see it for themselves. Some have low self esteem, some a false sense of importance.

 

Many women underestimate the lengths some men will go to for regular sex and adoration.

 

In the beginning, they assume that because this man is showing interest in them, that he is not happy in his marriage.

 

They take what OM says at face value. The complaints about his wife, the compliments, the "your my best friend" stuff. They believe it. They assume that OM would not risk his marriage unless he was done with it. OM pursues, either obviously or sneakily ("friendship") and sets the OW up so she feels oh-so-special. And it works. OW thinks that because OM has pursued her that he wants a relationship. A real one. One with a future. And OM plays along because he wants to keep the sex and adoration coming.

 

They don't get that OM wants an affair only. In their mind, the simple fact that he is looking outside of the marriage to get his needs met, means that he wants to leave the marriage. It's a very dangerous assumption to make, but it's easy to see why so many women make it. Unless someone enlightens us, we think men are going to act like we do. Women don't usually pursue someone else for sex and adoration only. If we haven’t been schooled on the male sex (thanks, dad), we don’t understand how much of a motivation sex can be for a guy.

 

Not all OM are predatory guys looking for the dumbest chick to work their lines on. Some really do love OW. But here’s where another assumption comes in….OW think that because OM loves them, that he is going to leave the marriage.

 

Love. For many women, love and coupledom are a very important. Feelings, emotions, worries about our relationships occupy a lot of our headspace. Again, many of these OW haven’t been educated on the true nature of men. For most women, love = goal of being together. But it’s not really like that for men. They are not driven as much by their emotions. They are more practical. They marry and if the sex and romance lasts with the wife, great. If not, they get those needs met elsewhere. They aren’t going to start over because of it. Love and romance are extra toppings for men, they are not essential. To most men, “feelings” are not enough to make drastic changes in their lives.

 

JMO.

 

This was a really helpful, interesting post for me. It makes perfect sense. It's also depressing as hell. It would be great if, for those of us who are looking for a man for whom feelings matter a lot and to whom it's worth taking action to honor their feelings, all the guys meeting those criteria could all stand up now so we know which ones are worth spending time on!! Everyone else, please stay seated. Thank you.

[donnamaybe]

True...but I think love makes us want to give them the benefit of the doubt - I think that also explains why a lot of BSs don't allow themselves to think that their spouses are really having affairs, despite all the nagging doubts and instincts that say otherwise - love can really screw a person over

 

I had no reason to think this guy I just met was lying to me - but once I found out about the situation (as much as I knew of it) - it was hard to trust him - I questioned everything and had a lot of doubts, and I think that annoyed him - that I didn't just "trust in him" and "take his word"

But wouldn't you, after say 5 years of an A dragging on, assume that any talk of the why's of the M not being over is just BS? I mean, ____ or get off the pot, right?

[TigerCub]

But wouldn't you, after say 5 years of an A dragging on, assume that any talk of the why's of the M not being over is just BS? I mean, ____ or get off the pot, right?

 

Hon, I totally see what you're saying

and I sure as hell wouldn't wait 5 years.

I didn't wait 1 year. Because there's nothin I hate more than a liar. I couldn't keep being involved with someone who's story never made much sense, and who would get incredibly defensive when questioned (that's a true sign of a liar IMO, the people who when caught in a lie act all defensive and try to turn **** around) - yeah I couldn't put up with that crap for too long.

 

I totally see what you're sayin Donna.

[TigerCub]

Hi SB

 

But like you I too feel stronger that I am the one who walked away. Honestly I think he had some kind of sub-conscious desire to destroy me and make me his OW forever. I know that sounds horrible and I don't mean like, he's a purposeful monster, I just mean it was the nature of our relationship and honestly probably his nature to be like that -- all or nothing which is one of the things I actually liked about him. But it was destroying my spirit and I would much rather have walked away than of my own volition than kept believing him and waiting and hoping until he finally just disappeared or threw me under the bus one last final time.

 

I honestly don't think he wanted to 'destroy' you, but he did want to keep you as his OW for as long as possible. He is a very selfish man and he never thought of how all of this was hurting you - all he cared about was that you were his escape - his illusion that he wasn't really trapped in a ****ty marriage.

 

And that is selfish - and I'm sooooooooo glad that you did walk away on your own and that you maintained your strength and dignity.

 

That guy put you through a lot of crap - and yeah love blinds us - but the good news is - that's only for a while.

 

 

In this way my relationship with exMM always makes me think of that line from the song Hallelujah: "All I ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you." Sad but true!

 

That is sad - and to be honest, my outlook on relationships has been cynical for quite some time, and the whole mess with xMM only made my outlook more jaded and depressed, but I still have hope that I will meet a NICE LOYAL guy and that I'll learn the good things about love through that.

(dating one right now - not quite at the love phase - but it really is refreshing to be in a healthy relationship)

 

I hope the same for you

[Hazyhead]

Hon, I totally see what you're saying

and I sure as hell wouldn't wait 5 years.

I didn't wait 1 year. Because there's nothin I hate more than a liar. I couldn't keep being involved with someone who's story never made much sense, and who would get incredibly defensive when questioned (that's a true sign of a liar IMO, the people who when caught in a lie act all defensive and try to turn **** around) - yeah I couldn't put up with that crap for too long.

 

I totally see what you're sayin Donna.

 

I agree with this, too. I did believe but then there comes a time, there MUST come a time, when you see the pattern for what it is. Now, having been out of the situation for a while (kinda), I have the benefit of hindsight, which has only served to confirm those niggling doubts that became less and less niggly as time went on. Also, I don't know where the emotional strength would come from to wait and wait and never know for sure. So many fantastic people wasted on those who won't prioritise them. It's such a shame.

[half_ofa_heart]

But - most MMs are crafty lil f**kers!

Most of them sidle upto a pretty single girl and talk about how they're separated and how the relationship is over - that they don't even live together, etc...

 

Then they become that girl's "Friend"

 

Then they profess their love, and by then feelings develop, some truths are mixed in with lies and it gets so confusing when there is so much emotion there, but there's also a nagging doubt that it all started out based on a lie.

 

That's how it happened with me at least - and funny enough, xMM was one person I didn't have sex (well...intercourse)...with because I knew that with him I couldn't do it (like a guy) and be able to f**k him without developing stronger feelings.

 

I honestly don't think that most women go out looking to dig their claws into a married man, and ruin someone's marriage. I truly do believe that most of the time, it happens under false pretense and that's because the MMs :eek: lie :eek:

 

selfish cowardly bastards!!!

 

Either way - glad I never f**ked that guy - and he was just dying to get it .... haha he can go f**k himself!!

Also glad that I was the one to walk away.

 

TC, these words couldn't come on a better day! I am so angry at myself for believing everything that that SOB said to me. I look back and can now see so many lies and cannot believe I was stupid enough to believe them. I swear I was walking around in a fog.

 

I sure as hell wasn't looking for a MM and I even told him that there was no way "this" was ever going to happen but he was persistant and I was vulnerable and I lost. I should have known better. I should have seen thru his manipulation and now I'm paying the price.

 

Thanks for your insight.

[half_ofa_heart]

BTW... On day 12 of LC (None on my part) and am working towards blocking him from all sources to ensure NC. Thanks to all of you