Bonie Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Here is my story..... We were each other first loves and he always said he loved me and he could not live without me. He was always the one making plans for the future and I was never the one to initiate this sort of conversation. He was the first one to say the L word. Basically he was obsessed by me and sometimes I would feel like I need some space to breath but I loved him and liked spening time with him, so I did not think it was a problem. We had fights extremely rarely if ever and got along really well and even though I have to say our realtionship did become a bit boring and predictable...I thought it was normal thing for most couples after so many years together. My friend who is with her bf for 6 yrs told me the same thing about her relationship but they are still together ...so i think it is normal when u are with the same person for so long....I did not think of this as a big deal and he never discussed it with me. He did not have many friends unlike me and would always spend his entire time with me. I would always encorage him to go out with his collegues from university, so this would give us a chance to miss each other. Since I had many friends I would go out often with them but he would get jelous. He was a bit clingy. However, I thought he was a very sweet and nice guy and that is what made me fall in love with him. He would always bring me flowers for special occasions and he was really thoughful. During our relationship, I was very supportive and always treated him well. I was always there for him when he needed me. I have been told that I am a very good person and probably this is my problem......i should have been a bitch instead.....As I said he was the loner type and I think he was too dependent on me for his happiness. I was always the person to invite him to events with my friends since he did not had any. During the summer of our final year together I got sick. I became very depressed because my health problem was going on for long time and was going to different doctors and they could not figure out the root of my symptoms. He wanted me and him to go on a trip with my friends for a week but since I was so sick I told him I could not. He seemed very dissapointed. I asked him what was wrong and he did no tell me anything. Later,my ex bf wanted to go on vacation by himself instead of being there for me in this very difficult time for me. I was shocked and I noticed during the last 3 weeks together he became a bit distant and cold.But he still would call every day and say that he loves me. I was sooo stressed about my health problems and even cried in front of him and thought that maybe i should go to another country to speed up the process with the doctors. I was so down and felt hopeless. A week later he sent me an email( an email after 3 yrs together?????? what a coward) out of the blue that he does not feeel the same way about me, that the spark is gone and even though there is amazing chemistry between us, he does not think we are "exactly a perfect match", that we are soo different and think differently on so many issuses. He concludes that even though we have an amazing chemistry, he does not think i am the special one for him and he does not see himself spending the rest of his life with me.....And he was the one to plan the future for us, not me?????? How come he never said he thought we were different before. It was a complete shock for me......After everything I have done for him, he stabbed me in the back when I needed him the most in my life, when I was sick and depressed. I think the real reason was that I was not "fun" for him anymore since was sick. He hurt me so much. I cannt believe that the person who "loved me " so much and would do anything for me did this to me when I was in the wort point in my life. It hurt so much. completely freaked out, I broke everything he gave me. Besides, sending him one email I have not talked to him since. I deleted him out of my life. He was not the sweet person I thought he was. He was a coward, a backstabber....He would phone me on a few occasions but never replied to any of his attempts. Ater 3 months he left me a voicemail that he could not forget about us and all the good memories that we shared. It has been alsmot a year and a few days ago I got a msg from him that he wants to give me something i drew for him a long time ago since it holds santimental value for me. I ignored that as well. Then he sends me a msg on facebook and asks if i want to meet up with him to give it to me.... Really after 1 year???? I just said to keep it for himself. Now I saw I have a missed call from him. I have said to myself that I will never want to see him again after all the hurt he cause me.....WHY DO U THINK HE IS TRYING TO CONTACT ME STILL SO MANY TIMES EVEN THOUGH I INGORE HIM??? Does he think he made a mistake and the grass is not greener on the other side??? I am very attractive and intelligent girl and get a lot of atention from men.I tried dating other men but there is a wall. I cannot let them close to me. I cannot trust anyone. I cannot develop feelings for everyone. I feel so emotionally damaged from this man ;(((. I am scared to get in anything long term because I am scared the next person will do the same thing to me.
Author Bonie Posted December 5, 2010 Author Posted December 5, 2010 I still feel sooo much anger and hate that he did not work on our relationship, did not put any effort and did not even talk about our problems. I did not even think we had any.... He just gave up and out of the blue he sents me a cold email instead of having a discussion. And all of this when I was feeling the worst in my life, when i was sick and depressed and emotionally unstable. How could he do this? How could be so cruel and so cold? I did nothing to deserve it. I was so good to him. Why? Every time I remeber this,I start crying....I do not think this wound will ever heal.I hate him with all my heart I hate him. I will never forget what he did. And I do not think I will be able to forgive.
Capital P Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 You need to look at your own actions in this. You were way too needy. Too dependent on your bf for everything. There is only so much a guy can take. He is not going to wait around and support you just because you are his gf. It isnt his responsibility to help you out of your depression You need to take a break and sort your own problems out, which is probably what he wants as well. Go NC, wait until you have a better outlook and then contact him
jake12 Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Bonie, The same thing happened to me only the roles are reversed. Im the guy that got dumped. Capital P- Where is the line between needy and supportive? I, like bonie supported my ex no matter what. I have nothing to contribute except that I know what you're going through Bonie and it sucks!
Capital P Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 You cant just full into depression and expect a partner to stand by you because they are in a relationship. Whatever you think, its not attractive and a huge burden to attach to someone else. Being needy is never attractive. Inside or outside of a relationship. That is why he left. And he has tried to contact her but she is too pissed off that he left to accept it. Meh
Author Bonie Posted December 5, 2010 Author Posted December 5, 2010 I was needy?????? He was the one who was needy wanting to spend 24/7 with me all the time. He had not friends at all. He was the clingy one not me.....There was just one single time i wanted him to be there for me and he was not..... And u are telling me I was needy??? Really??? So Capital B... one day when u get sick and get depressed u think it is normal for the other person to leave? Do u know that there was a time when he was depressed because his mom was having some serious health issues and i was there for him? U are telling me I was needy?????????????????????????????? Shouldnt the person u are with be there for u in happiness or sadness, health or sickness?????? That is the whole idea of being in arelationship. U know what Mr. Capital B...one day this might happen to u too and i really hope it wont but...then u will think very differently....and i dont think u read everything i said and the whole situation why i got depressed. i was having serious health problems...i was really scared ....i am sure everyone in place would get depressed too.....
Author Bonie Posted December 5, 2010 Author Posted December 5, 2010 thanks for the support jake. what happened to u exactly?
xeros Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 I think the most dysfunctional kinds of relationships are the ones where one or both partners have little or no friends. Spending too much time together is just a death sentence to the relationship and your own happiness, that's what I learnt.
Capital P Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 @Bonie You are being needy now and you arent looking at this from a healthy perspective. It sounds like all that angst you have built up is just waiting to be dumped on him And he probably knows that , hene is staying away You can take my advice or not, i dont give a **** tbh, but accept some blame. People dont just leave people for no reason , and no one has ever dumped Brad Pitt. Partners leave when they lose attraction , and that is what happend. IF you want to build attraction then change your outlook
dk.bnz.chi Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 i'm not sure what 2 say now,but i agree with Cpital cuz he seems 2 think like me. so let's jump 4 joy
Author Bonie Posted December 5, 2010 Author Posted December 5, 2010 R u out of your mind? God forbid but if your partner gets cancer u are just going to leave because it is a huge burden for u? Isnt that a little bit selfish of u???? @Bonie You are being needy now and you arent looking at this from a healthy perspective. It sounds like all that angst you have built up is just waiting to be dumped on him And he probably knows that , hene is staying away You can take my advice or not, i dont give a **** tbh, but accept some blame. People dont just leave people for no reason , and no one has ever dumped Brad Pitt. Partners leave when they lose attraction , and that is what happend. IF you want to build attraction then change your outlook
SmileyGirl Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I don't see anywhere in her post where she sounds "needy" what so ever. If she was so needy wouldn't she have responded to his three attempts of communication?? I agree with you Bonie. I was in a relationship for five years and I was diagnosed with cancer. It was THE WORST time in my life and thankfully my ex was magnificent in the situation. Him and I had a HORRIBLE break up, have not spoken in almost 2 years, however I thank God he was in my life at that time. A partner SHOULD be there for you through thick and thin. That IS a relationship. To be honest, if I was with a guy and he was NOT there for me when I needed him absolute most I would probably boot him in two seconds. That's part of LOVE. As far as your actual question of him returning a year later. It sounds like he realized the grass really wasn't greener. It's amazing how time really does cure things and how much of an effect a break up can play on a person. I look at how much I have grown in two years. I would take time for yourself and if you still have so much anger (which I believe you rightfully so have this built up anger) it's probably best to have no contact with him until your ready. I promise you, though my ex and I have been broken up for nearly 2 years, he was a massive part of my life...we were engaged, owned a home together, etc. and while the break up was about as messy as one could get... I assure you, when the time is right I will contact him again to get a lot of things off my chest. I highly doubt it will be anytime soon, but the day will come. Like you, I still have a lot of built up anger (I know it's sad after two years)... but I have learned part of "moving on" is 1.) forgiving the other person and 2.) forgiving yourself. Good Luck to you and I hope your feeling better. Take Care!
Fufu Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 (edited) Bonie does not come off as needy to me. When a person is unwell, if the partner just shut off or runaway without taking care of the person, the partner seriously can go to hell. What kind of partner who doesn't take care of his love when he/she is sick. the man has indeed hurt her very much. Your story really sounds very similiar to mine. Mine also left me because he felt we are very different and the way we solve problems are differently. Bonie, count this as a blessing to you. To see this man so thoroughly that he will choose to leave you when you are unwell. If he can treat you like this, he will treat you the same again if you are feeling unwell or stress in life. A man who doesn't walk with you when you needed him is the man you can stand up with dignity and show him the door. (Kick his ass out) Edited December 6, 2010 by Fufu
Author Bonie Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Thanks Fufu And SmileyGirl. I cannot help but woder why he is contacting me. Do u think he regrets his decision and made a mistake? I really loved this man. It is so hard to move on, everything reminds me of him.
Author Bonie Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 I really hope i will get some more respnses. it is driving me nuts what his motivation behind this msgs is. any thoughts? anyone?
Author Bonie Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 Fufu what happened to you? Bonie does not come off as needy to me. When a person is unwell, if the partner just shut off or runaway without taking care of the person, the partner seriously can go to hell. What kind of partner who doesn't take care of his love when he/she is sick. the man has indeed hurt her very much. Your story really sounds very similiar to mine. Mine also left me because he felt we are very different and the way we solve problems are differently. Bonie, count this as a blessing to you. To see this man so thoroughly that he will choose to leave you when you are unwell. If he can treat you like this, he will treat you the same again if you are feeling unwell or stress in life. A man who doesn't walk with you when you needed him is the man you can stand up with dignity and show him the door. (Kick his ass out)
Fufu Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Bonie: Is that you in your avatar? You look great My ex and I dated for 2 years 10 months and had already planned to ROM in 2012. He went overseas to study in February 2010. In October 2010 before he came back in a month time, he broke up with me via skype video, saying that we are very different, too many differences, including solve problems also very differently. He said he felt tired after quarrels and he doesn't want to feel tired anymore. He doesn't see me as the one anymore. Doesn't want to feel happy for a few months but go back to the country and everything falls apart. I've nothing to say to him anymore, to give up just because of some issues speaks so much about his true character. Words are cheap, actions speaks so much louder. I'm not sure why he still contacts you, perhaps you can ask him an ultimatum question? Do you still want to be with me?
lost.lamb Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Bonie does not come off as needy to me. When a person is unwell, if the partner just shut off or runaway without taking care of the person, the partner seriously can go to hell. What kind of partner who doesn't take care of his love when he/she is sick. the man has indeed hurt her very much. Your story really sounds very similiar to mine. Mine also left me because he felt we are very different and the way we solve problems are differently. Bonie, count this as a blessing to you. To see this man so thoroughly that he will choose to leave you when you are unwell. If he can treat you like this, he will treat you the same again if you are feeling unwell or stress in life. A man who doesn't walk with you when you needed him is the man you can stand up with dignity and show him the door. (Kick his ass out) My boyfriend is like that too. I am not sick physically but I have been cheated on by my very first ex and my first long term ex. That has impacted my trust in men. When I trusted my boyfriend enough to tell him that I need to have some help, he dumped me. I felt abandoned, disappointed and utterly alone. By the way, he and I got back together but things are going rough again. I'm thinking that leaving him is for the best too but it hurts my heart. Lol.
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