Penney Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Just to put the counseling thing to rest: it has not helped but actually made me more resentful of my wife. When we had those sessions I felt as if she (the counselor) was trying to blame me for my wife's affair. I admit that I was working a lot but I feel she didn't have to sleep with another guy. Before I discovered her affair believe me, I wanted to spend more time with her but my boss wouldn't lower my hours at the time so I just decided to keep my mouth shut and stay on the grind. She used to work just as much as me before I found out about her affair and I didn't cheat on her, even though I didn't see her a lot either. Since I was trying to deal with my marriage along with my workload it really started affecting my performance at work, so my boss then decided to lower my hours and how many days I come in so that I could "get my head screwed back on." But my head still isn't really screwed on, more like falling off and its been like that for the past three years. If she really had a problem why didn't she just come to me? Chained - I don't think the counselor was trying to blame you. What the counselors do is try to get you to understand how the situation evolved as one step in the process of repairing the marriage. You should have asked your wife in counseling why she didn't just come to you. Then she could try to explain it as part of the process of her understanding why she did what she did. Then you could work on developing better communication styles so that nothing like this would happen again. One thing I haven't seen you discuss that I think is an underlying issue is the cheating the night before the wedding. I would think that would make you feel like she really would have rather married him and that you were her second choice. Or at least that is how I would have felt if the same thing had been done to me. If that is part of your thinking and you are going to stay in this marriage, you will have to discuss it with her in marital counseling and I think in individual counseling, too.
Distant78 Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 He does if he wants to have a healthy, happy relationship in the future with her or anyone else. No he doesn't. He doesn't owe her anything. You my dear, do not sound like a healthy or happy person despite your protestations to the contrary. And someone sounds like a cheater. Don't worry about my life. I'm doing great. I said I agreed with stopping the divorce right now when she is still recovering from a suicide attempt. Last chained posted, she was still in the hospital. Nowadays, they don't keep people in the hospital for no reason. If anything, they discharge patients too soon. Well someone needs to discharge her legally and medically. She's a lost cause. I also said that if he can't forgive her and stays with her, he will continue to punish her for the rest of her life. How? I mean seriously, just because he stays doesn't mean he has to keep his mouth shut about what she did. And look what that got him. Another confession pointing to how heartless she is. Chained has demonstrated nothing on either of these threads that indicate to me he can forgive her. So what? She's the one who hasn't demonstrated anything except being a total nuisance who lies. I feel bad for both of them. They are both hurting. All I have read from Chained indicates that she regrets what she has done and tried to make amends. She's indicated nothing to him except that she's trouble. Obviously you don't understand what the word synonym means. You're correct....... You don't know what the word means. Chained - do you want this to be you? Yea chained, do you want to be with someone who are capable of taking a life?
Distant78 Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Physically abusive men always say the woman deserved it. That is such a biased statement. If she was so physically abused I'm sure she wouldn't be chasing after him. She'd be running in the other direction, which is what chained should be doing.
gisellefromhell Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Distant, I can understand where you're coming from. But if Chained has to experience pain to learn a lesson, then that's his choice. You are just being rational in the sense of "why go through any pain at all". But you also show a little bit of fear and immaturity in your posts here I think stemming from your own experiences. If this were a perfect world, we would be with the people who are willing to love us as much as we love them. Can we just all acknowledge the fact that Chained is not helplessly circling down the drain here? He's aware of the choice he has made. And we've all raised valid points of what could happen to him, and his marriage. Hopefully he pulls out of this alright.
Distant78 Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Distant78 - Is this another example of dishing out pain? She was chasing after him for goodness sake. Oh wow, right. After the fact that she destroyed her marriage.
gisellefromhell Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 That is such a biased statement. If she was so physically abused I'm sure she wouldn't be chasing after him. She'd be running in the other direction, which is what chained should be doing. This is not true, a lot of physically abused women believe they too deserve it, and the abuse was their fault. A lot of these women stay in the relationship.
Distant78 Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Distant78 - how is that more pain she is dishing out to him? Wasn't that before he got the second confession from her that their marriage was basically a lie?
Penney Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 And someone sounds like a cheater. Just the opposite. I am a betrayed spouse. Don't worry about my life. I'm doing great. No you're not. You are spewing out anger and resentment all over this thread as well as some nasty name calling. I mean seriously, just because he stays doesn't mean he has to keep his mouth shut about what she did. And look what that got him. Another confession pointing to how heartless she is. OK, I see it's useless to continue to enage you. For others reading this thread, I posted a quote from Chained as to how the "confession" occurred. Yea chained, do you want to be with someone who are capable of taking a life? I think you meant to say "capable of taking their own life." That is definitely an issue. There is mental illness here, in all likelihood requiring anti-depressants to treat. Chained will have to figure out how that fits into the picture for him.
Distant78 Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Distant, I can understand where you're coming from. But if Chained has to experience pain to learn a lesson, then that's his choice. You are just being rational in the sense of "why go through any pain at all". But you also show a little bit of fear and immaturity in your posts here I think stemming from your own experiences. If this were a perfect world, we would be with the people who are willing to love us as much as we love them. Can we just all acknowledge the fact that Chained is not helplessly circling down the drain here? He's aware of the choice he has made. And we've all raised valid points of what could happen to him, and his marriage. Hopefully he pulls out of this alright. Oh right, my posts are immature because of my own experiences. Go to the OM/OW forum and see some really immature posts. This guy is circling down the drain. He needs to realize that divorce is important because she'll only do it again. He should not be trying to suppress it.
Distant78 Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 This is not true, a lot of physically abused women believe they too deserve it, and the abuse was their fault. A lot of these women stay in the relationship. But it wasn't abuse to begin with in chained's situation.
Distant78 Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Just the opposite. I am a betrayed spouse. Good for you. No you're not. You are spewing out anger and resentment all over this thread as well as some nasty name calling. Spewing anger and resentment? It's not that serious lady. I wouldn't call it that. Just being blunt with a different view than your approach. OK, I see it's useless to continue to enage you. For others reading this thread, I posted a quote from Chained as to how the "confession" occurred. Agreed 100%. I think you meant to say "capable of taking their own life." That is definitely an issue. There is mental illness here, in all likelihood requiring anti-depressants to treat. Chained will have to figure out how that fits into the picture for him. If I meant to say that, I would've typed it. But you're correct, she has issues that need to be dealt with, without wasting her husband's time.
Penney Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 He needs to realize that divorce is important because she'll only do it again. Chained - I see no evidence that your wife has engaged in any more infidelity since your Dday 3 years ago. This is based on what you wrote here, I don't know either of you IRL. From what you wrote, the OM's wife divorced him so he was available to be with your wife, but she chose to stay with you and try to repair the marriage. And after you left, she was trying to chase you down to find you. Please be careful of these anonymous posters on the internet who are projecting all of their own anger and resentment into your situation. I don't know if divorce is the right path for you or not, but don't let someone else's unresolved issues cloud your judgment.
gisellefromhell Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Oh right, my posts are immature because of my own experiences. Go to the OM/OW forum and see some really immature posts. This guy is circling down the drain. He needs to realize that divorce is important because she'll only do it again. He should not be trying to suppress it. You can't handle the fact that this guy is prepared to face the consequences of his choices. And you're here throwing a fit about it. Yes, we all know his wife is a total bitch for what she is putting him through. He's just trying to see if he's resilient enough to endure what will come his way. He's taking a chance. And it's not like he's unaware all of a sudden that she's a messed up person. He knows this. I'm glad you care this much about Chained, you're a good person for it. I know you just want to save him from a potential world of even more hurt. You make a lot of sense, but some of your posts come off like it IS from a bitter place. And I think that just makes some of us uneasy because why would anyone listen to advice coming from a person who's not in a good place?
Penney Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Good for you. There was nothing good about it. If I meant to say that, I would've typed it. So are you saying she has shown she would take another's life somehow?
gisellefromhell Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 But it wasn't abuse to begin with in chained's situation. Physically abusive relationships can start at any point, not just in the beginning. There are so many f*cked up people out there, only the strong can walk away right when it happens.
Distant78 Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Chained - I see no evidence that your wife has engaged in any more infidelity since your Dday 3 years ago. This is based on what you wrote here, I don't know either of you IRL. From what you wrote, the OM's wife divorced him so he was available to be with your wife, but she chose to stay with you and try to repair the marriage. Okay, regardless if you haven't read the full story, how has she tried to repair the marriage? By keeping more lies from him? Please be careful of these anonymous posters on the internet who are projecting all of their own anger and resentment into your situation. I don't know if divorce is the right path for you or not, but don't let someone else's unresolved issues cloud your judgment. Agreed chained. Please be careful of those who only want you to keep being a doormat and accept sloppy seconds because of their unresolved issues. Divorce is the right path.
Distant78 Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 You can't handle the fact that this guy is prepared to face the consequences of his choices. And you're here throwing a fit about it. Hey, I can handle it. It's not hurting me in any way. I'm just here to add my own to the mix. You make a lot of sense, but some of your posts come off like it IS from a bitter place. And I think that just makes some of us uneasy because why would anyone listen to advice coming from a person who's not in a good place? Oh I'm sure I make a lot of sense, but making this argument about me is no good. I'm just here to advise chained based on my view. You have your opinion and I have mine. I'm due to be married soon so I'm not in a sad place.
gisellefromhell Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Hey, I can handle it. It's not hurting me in any way. I'm just here to add my own to the mix. Oh I'm sure I make a lot of sense, but making this argument about me is no good. I'm just here to advise chained based on my view. You have your opinion and I have mine. I'm due to be married soon so I'm not in a sad place. That's true, these ARE your views. And congratulations on your engagement!
Distant78 Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 That's true, these ARE your views. And congratulations on your engagement! Thank you very much sir!
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