Been a while.

[chained2000]

Wicar took the words out of my mouth regarding your wife. She's crazy and as far as her family is concerned, they're nutjobs also. They have some nerve accusing you of causing all of this rubbish after everything she put you through. Wicar is right: Your azz would be in jail now if it had happened on your watch or her sneaky azz probably would've killed you and herself. Cheaters don't like it when their betrayed spouse moves on. Best believe EVERY SINGLE ONE of those family member would've been trying to see you in prison for life if it happened while you were around. Heck, they're probably trying to get you in jail now. That's why cheaters can be dangerous to be around. They'll come up with a whole bunch of stupid explanations to do what they do. If I were you, I'd stay away from her and her family and let them deal with their issues because I see this getting worse. You don't need to be around this at all and you deserve better.

 

Strong words there, Distant. I know I must be careful, but I can't just leave this woman like this. I have to see her through. We've already talked to both of our lawyers to send a request to postpone our court date, which is this Friday. Hopefully I won't have to show up or anything but we'll see.

[chained2000]

She's doing fine today. I stopped by the hospital early this morning before I went to work. Came in and sat down and I just sat there and let her squeeze my hand. She never let go. I just look at her and it hurts me to see her in this position. Almost started crying. We talked about what's going on in the world, politics, just casual. She asked me today was I still angry. I said let's not talk about that right now. She said it's okay if I still am. She's been asking me that question for the past 7 days. I just gave her a big hug and told her I'll see her when I get off from work and left. God, what's going on with me.

[Distant78]

*Groans and sighs*

 

Chained, are you really thinking about what you're doing here? She's toxic and crazy. She tried to take HER OWN LIFE to make YOU feel GUILTY about leaving her cheating azz and her family tries to blame you for it. Call your lawyer back and tell him the divorce date is still on. I wouldn't be surprised once she recovers she starts blaming you for "not being there" for her. Once she has you again she'll do the same destructive behavior. Don't do it man. Think with your head and not with your heart.

[UnsureinSeattle]

Chained, you're a strong cat. I don't know if I could rationally deal with any of what you're going thru.

 

Honestly? It sounds like you're dealing with everything as well as can be hoped for. I think that you should keep your options open re:divorce after she's out of the hospital, tho'. Best of luck...!

[wicar1]

She's doing fine today. I stopped by the hospital early this morning before I went to work. Came in and sat down and I just sat there and let her squeeze my hand. She never let go. I just look at her and it hurts me to see her in this position. Almost started crying. We talked about what's going on in the world, politics, just casual. She asked me today was I still angry. I said let's not talk about that right now. She said it's okay if I still am. She's been asking me that question for the past 7 days. I just gave her a big hug and told her I'll see her when I get off from work and left. God, what's going on with me.

That's good news.... Hope she'll fully recover soon.

 

She asked me today was I still angry. I said let's not talk about that right

That's a smart answer... Be kind to her but dont give any hopes or promises.

[chained2000]

This is so crazy. I try moving forward and I end up taking two steps back.

[IzzyB]

Chained, you arent taking any steps back, you are coping with a crisis situation and doing a very good job. You do not need to make ANY decisions right now. Just be there for her and for yourself one day at a time. Dont even think about the future or divorce right now, its not the right time. And puhleaze disregard some of the advice you have been receiving about dumping her or that she would possibly have killed you too. Please remember that everyone is giving you advice from their vantage point and to be honest, some of those arent too healthy.

You may still end up divorcing or you may not. THere is no rush for that decision. Just stay present, eat often enough, get enough rest, and at some point, you will be clear about what you need to do. I also highly recommend getting a supportive counselor right now to process everything with. You have had two traumas recently, the cheating and now the (very serious) suicide attempt. A seasoned therapist can also help you determine, when the time is right, whether or not to stay or go and she/he can give you feedback regarding your wife's condition. I am wondering if she has any personality disorder traits or if this is an old ongoing depression, or a more recent situational depression. DOnt worry about that part right now, I only mention it because in the future, it will make a huge difference knowing this, in terms of whether or not she is even capable of having a healthy relationship. Hang in there. Sending many hugs.

 

Izzy

[Distant78]

Chained, you arent taking any steps back, you are coping with a crisis situation and doing a very good job. You do not need to make ANY decisions right now. Just be there for her and for yourself one day at a time. Dont even think about the future or divorce right now, its not the right time. And puhleaze disregard some of the advice you have been receiving about dumping her or that she would possibly have killed you too. Please remember that everyone is giving you advice from their vantage point and to be honest, some of those arent too healthy.

You may still end up divorcing or you may not. THere is no rush for that decision. Just stay present, eat often enough, get enough rest, and at some point, you will be clear about what you need to do. I also highly recommend getting a supportive counselor right now to process everything with. You have had two traumas recently, the cheating and now the (very serious) suicide attempt. A seasoned therapist can also help you determine, when the time is right, whether or not to stay or go and she/he can give you feedback regarding your wife's condition. I am wondering if she has any personality disorder traits or if this is an old ongoing depression, or a more recent situational depression. DOnt worry about that part right now, I only mention it because in the future, it will make a huge difference knowing this, in terms of whether or not she is even capable of having a healthy relationship. Hang in there. Sending many hugs.

 

Izzy

 

He doesn't need anymore knowledge to know she's not marriage material. She's caused him enough damage. Time to walk away from it all.

[chained2000]

I want to thank you guys again for showing me support. Had my lawyer help me out significantly with stopping the divorce proceedings. He's real helpful.

 

I'm spent physically. Spend half of Christmas Day with the wife and then with my family. I gave her a small Christmas card and a music cd of one of her favorite bands. Boy I will be honest, it felt good leaving that hospital and hotel for a change.

 

She's been getting better and her skin tone looks a lot better since when she was brought into the hospital. She's been eating everything and her parents visit occassionally too and we all talk together and laugh. I'm scheduled to see a therapist next week.

 

Now I know I'm sounding like a pushover to some of you but I think I want to try to work on our marriage when she gets out. I haven't told her yet but the feelings of staying are getting stronger everyday. I can't help it. Sure I was ready to rip her a new one a few months ago but I don't feel like that no more. I think about everything that happened and I just cannot get as angry as I used too. So in closing, when she's close to fully recovering I'll ask her and see what she says.

[Gman95670]

Chained, I wish you the best of luck. That's about all I can say.

 

One last thing...

 

I read the following a couple of minutes ago and I want to share this with you. It's from someone who is going through a situation that is different from yours but maybe there is something that can be learned from his words. Here they are....

 

Been away for a long while and a tortuous year....If I had to sum up my year, everyone here was correct and I was a complete and utter dumbass. That's about all that can be said. After moving out last summer, I mistakenly let my guard down, crumbling under her I'm sorrys and her desperate pleas that she was going to 'win me back'. What did that get me....Another false R and another D-Day in December, this time uncovering the whole sordid affair and the million lies that went along with it. Secret trips away while I had the kids at my house....pornagraphic photos of them together. This time I found my balls and am feverishly working towards my own D-Day...

 

If anyone gleans anything from my sad and stupid mistake, LISTEN to the people here that tell you that she'll lie to your face, lie to your friends, lie to your family and kids to protect her double life. I would have never ever thought that a human being could stoop so low, especially one that professed love for you everyday. I'm sickened beyond belief and likely forever damaged goods as I will never EVER trust again. So, I'm initiating divorce and now I'm the bad guy because I'm finally protecting MYSELF and the KIDS.

 

I'm so sick over this and the year that I've lost. I should have immediately filed D a year ago. Oh, and before I forget, MarriageBuilders and their cult is the biggest crock of sh** that ever graced the internet. Plan A and Plan B my a$$....Plan D all the way for all the cheating SOBs. If they aren't on board from DAY ONE after discovery in fixing the marriage then leave or have them leave. DO NOT for a single day of your life put up with the lying, the gas lighting and the generally destructive selfishness that a cheater exudes.

[Distant78]

Please take heed to the post above dude. You already found out she was a wh*re and she trickle-truthed you. Who knows how many times she cheated on you man. Don't let the fact that she's sitting in the hospital take over. She's crazy with mental issues. Dont do it. Get out while you can. Your life and sanity depends on it.

Edited December 30, 2010 by Distant78

[Penney]

Chained - I am concerned that you are never going to get past the anger and resentment you feel toward your wife for her past actions. Some people can get past this sort of thing, others can't.

 

I know how sad it is to have been in love with someone and to have had them betray you. But you have to be honest with yourself about your ability to get past the resentment and anger. You had 3 years to get past these feelings and you failed.

 

However, now is not the time to make a decision to end the marriage given what has happened. I would try to help your wife through this crisis and stay in counseling. BTW - what kind of counselor are you seeing? An M.D. psychiatrist or a licensed psychologist (PhD)?

 

I wouldn't listen to the advice given to you by the numbskulls who are saying your wife deserves to be dumped or that they know she will cheat again. These are bitter, angry men. However, what you should listen to is how bitter and angry they are because that is who you were and probably still are. The ONLY way your marriage can be saved is for YOU to work on YOU and your ability to forgive your wife. You have not forgiven her and you are as angry and as bitter as they are. The suicide attempt has just caused you to supress those feelings for now.

 

You both need marital and individual counseling and that is expensive. If you don't have the money for it, I doubt you two will have a healthy happy marriage in the future. Your wife obviously needs more than just individual counseling, she needs a psychiatrist and likely anti-depressants when her liver can handle it.

 

One thing that struck me in your post about the meeting with the lawyer is that you just didn't get it about why your wife wouldn't look at you. Instead of feeling the pity for her that you should have - she obviously couldn't look at you because of the terrible guilt she felt about betraying you - your response was to feel more anger and resentment toward her. This guilt obviously drove her to try to commit suicide, yet you were so consumed with your own anger, bitterness and resentment toward her that you missed that.

 

I hope for your sake that you can stop dwelling on the past to the point that you can't even see how much pain she was in. This is something only you can do and it has nothing at all to do with your wife. If you don't, you will end up just like so many of these bitter, angry numbskulls posting garbage to you.

Edited December 30, 2010 by Penney

[Penney]

Chained - I wanted to add that I am not saying you should stay married to your wife. What I am saying is that you have to be honest with yourself regarding your ability to forgive her. If you can't, then it is hopeless to stay married.

 

And if you can't forgive her and decide to divorce, you have to stop trying to punish her for her past mistakes and you have to let go of your resentment towards her. You have to just accept the fact that you couldn't get past what she did to you and as a consequence the marriage failed and make peace with it. That is, if you want to find happiness in your life.

 

If you don't do this, your lingering resentment/anger/bitterness will permeate any future relationship and likely sabotage it. Just look at all these angry, resentful, bitter men posting here. Do you want to be like them for the reset of your life?

[Distant78]

Penney, please lay off the "bitter, angry men" crap. That is so old. You say some can't get past cheating, but they are bitter if they don't forgive. :confused:Did you even read the guy's story? She cheated on the guy before they even got married, and during the marriage. He's letting her sitting in the hospital take over his mind, and all you're doing is talking about how he needs to get over the things she's done so far. They don't need marital counseling. Divorce is the best option.

[Penney]

Penney, please lay off the "bitter, angry men" crap. That is so old.

 

Chained - listen to me, do you want this to be you someday?

 

You say some can't get past cheating, but they are bitter if they don't forgive.

 

Forgiving doesn't necessarily mean staying in the marriage, although for some, it can mean that. Forgiving does not mean excusing or becoming a doormat. It means accepting the fact that the person regrets what they have done and not continuing to condemn them for it. You can forgive someone and still divorce them.

 

Forgiving helps the person who was betrayed more than it helps the person who was unfaithful because it allows them to get past their anger.

 

Now if the person doesn't regret the infidelity, well then you can't forgive them. This woman tried to kill herself. I think she regrets what she has done.

 

However, don't get me wrong. Just because she regrets what she has done doesn't mean she won't do it again. Sometimes people engage in self-destructive behaviors for reasons that they aren't conscious of, usually stemming from some childhood trauma. Whether or not that is the case here, I don't know. But clearly, this woman tried to kill herself, so there is some mental illness here.

 

 

:confused:Did you even read the guy's story? She cheated on the guy before they even got married, and during the marriage.

 

Um, yeah, I read it. What does that have to do with her regretting her actions and him forgiving her? Again, my advice was not for him to stay in the marriage. In fact, given his history, I don't think he can forgive her and if he stays in the marriage will keep trying to punish her for the rest of her life. He is just suppressing those feelings right now. It would take a lot of individual counseling for him to release those feelings. He dwelled on them for 3 years after he found out and then got physically violent with her after forcing a second confession from her. So yeah, again, I read his story.

 

And I think she is mentally ill. It takes a very unselfish, compassionate, dedicated person to stay in a marriage with someone who is mentally ill. Even with treatment, sometimes there are relapses.

 

If he is to have a happy, healthy relationship with SOMEONE OTHER THAN HER in the future, he will need to forgive her and get past his anger and resentment. I made that point in my previous posts, too.

 

He's letting her sitting in the hospital take over his mind, and all you're doing is talking about how he needs to get over the things she's done so far. They don't need marital counseling. Divorce is the best option.

 

As I said before, divorce may be the best option. If Chained is staying in the marriage, which at least for now he is, they need marital counseling. Chained needs individual counseling, though, too, regardless if he divorces or not.

Edited December 30, 2010 by Penney

[Distant78]

Chained - listen to me, do you want this to be you someday?

 

I'd think he'd at least want to be with someone who will never treat him like this and be happy, which is what I am now.

 

Forgiving doesn't necessarily mean staying in the marriage, although for some, it can mean that. Forgiving does not mean excusing or becoming a doormat. It means accepting the fact that the person regrets what they have done and not continuing to condemn them for it. You can forgive someone and still divorce them.

 

To you it does, because you still advocate him getting over what she's done to him and going to marriage counseling with her and taking all the pain she dishes out to him.

 

Forgiving helps the person who was betrayed more than it helps the person who was unfaithful because it allows them to get past their anger.

 

Just because you forgive someone, doesn't mean the anger or the damage to the marriage ceases. And you say it loosely as if cheating isn't a big deal.

 

Now if the person doesn't regret the infidelity, well then you can't forgive them. This woman tried to kill herself. I think she regrets what she has done.

 

If she regrets what she did she'd let him go and not trying to "kill herself" to receive attention. And a cheater should not feel regret but remorse, which I think is totally impossible.

 

However, don't get me wrong. Just because she regrets what she has done doesn't mean she won't do it again. Sometimes people engage in self-destructive behaviors for reasons that they aren't conscious of, usually stemming from some childhood trauma. Whether or not that is the case here, I don't know. But clearly, this woman tried to kill herself, so there is some mental illness here.

 

But you said he needs to get over it and just stay with her. He said that she told him she did it because of what happened. Clearly to receive attention. But you're right. She's a psycho cheater.

 

Um, yeah, I read it. What does that have to do with her regretting her actions and him forgiving her?

 

It has everything to do with it. Because she's been screwing him over before they even got married.

 

Again, my advice was not for him to stay in the marriage.

 

Then why did you suggest marriage counseling with her? Why did you repeatedly say he "just needs to get over it" and accept the crazy lady?

 

In fact, given his history, I don't think he can forgive her and if he stays in the marriage will keep trying to punish her for the rest of her life.

 

I don't think him bringing it up to her is punishing her. Him trying to stay is punishing himself because she's the poison.

 

He is just suppressing those feelings right now.

 

Agreed 100%.

 

It would take a lot of individual counseling for him to release those feelings. He dwelled on them for 3 years after he found out and then got physically violent with her after forcing a second confession from her. So yeah, again, I read his story.

 

It would take a divorce for him to be free. And he didn't hurt her. You're making it out as if he slapped the woman. All he did was shake her. She deserved it anyway after everything she's done so far. And that second confession is VERY VIABLE EVIDENCE that he should leave her forever.

 

And I think she is mentally ill. It takes a very unselfish, compassionate, dedicated person to stay in a marriage with someone who is mentally ill. Even with treatment, sometimes there are relapses.

 

The only relapses she needs to have are the ones when he leaves her for good without looking back.

 

If he is to have a happy, healthy relationship with SOMEONE OTHER THAN HER in the future, he will need to forgive her and get past his anger and resentment. I made that point in my previous posts, too.

 

Of course, but he doesn't need to fogive her. Eventually he'll have to accept it, but the scars will never go away. And that doesn't mean he'll never be angry about it again after he leaves her.

[Penney]

I'd think he'd at least want to be with someone who will never treat him like this and be happy, which is what I am now.

 

And my point is that unless he forgives her, he runs a high risk of carrying this baggage into the next relationship and ruining that relationship.

 

 

 

To you it does, because you still advocate him getting over what she's done to him and going to marriage counseling with her and taking all the pain she dishes out to him.

 

I never said get over it - you did - and I am not sure exactly what you mean by it. I said forgive and explained what I meant by it. I think the problem is that you aren't reading my explanations and have a different definition of what to forgive means.

 

I brought up the marital counseling because Chained says he is stopping the divorce and staying in the marriage for now. He is staying in the marriage with someone who just tried to kill themselves. I recommended BOTH individual and marital counseling. I didn't tell him to stay in the marriage. That was a choice he made before I ever posted a word on this thread.

 

And the part about taking all the pain she dishes out to him - I never said anything like that. As I understand his story, she cheated before the marriage and then during the marriage but it ended 3 years ago and she hasn't cheated since. So what pain is she dishing out to him now? Here is the link to his story and a relevant quote:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t245428/

 

 

We had a long discussion, got the answers I needed and I never brought it up again after I made sure she cut ties with OM. We then went to MC for seven months of that year she had her affair. She told the counselor I was too busy (working too much) and that was why she turned to OM. I convinced my boss to lower my hours so that I could fit more time in with my wife and we have been spending much more time together since then, although my resentment has been building for the past three years because of her affair. For the past two years she gives me a small gift with a note on it saying she's sorry for what she did and she loves me and our marriage. I know she's not been contact with the OM or a new guy and our marriage hasn't had any major problems but I still have so much resentment that I felt I never got to lash out at her. She doesn't know I have this anger. Since her affair i've learned to hide my feelings from her just like when she deceived me during her affair. My feelings of divorcing her are getting stronger every day also. I don't know what to do. Someone help.

 

Where is chained telling us she is continuing to dish out pain to him? The closest I have read about something like that is when she wouldn't look at him in the divorce meeting. I hope in hindsight Chained realizes it wasn't all about him as he erroneously thought it was - she was racked with guilt and despondent over how her actions destroyed her marriage. So much so, she tried to kill herself afteward.

 

Chained needs to own his role in that. He was so consumed with anger and resentment towards her that was all he could think of as he glared at her the entire time. These are not my words, they are his

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=256051

 

Bich didn't change one bit when she came into the office. She rarely spoke and had a neutral look on her face, and above all, she didn't glance at me not one time. I glared at her for most of the meeting. She looked at everything but me. She knew I was looking at her. Then when we were done she speed-walked out the room.

 

 

 

Just because you forgive someone, doesn't mean the anger or the damage to the marriage ceases.

 

Again, we mean different things when we say forgive because true forgiveness DOES mean letting go of the anger. If the betrayed spouse cannot let go of the anger and this continues to damage the marriage once the infidelity has ceased and the wayward spouse has expressed regret, that is not about the WS anymore, that is about the BS and only the BS can change it. At that point, the WS can do nothing more to repair the marriage and divorce is indeed the best option.

 

That is what happened with Chained.

 

 

And you say it loosely as if cheating isn't a big deal.

 

No I didn't. Point to something I said that could be construed that cheating isn't a big deal.

 

 

If she regrets what she did she'd let him go and not trying to "kill herself" to receive attention.

 

I am not privy to her medical charts and can only go by what Chained writes here. It sounds like she took enough medication to seriously damage her liver. I don't know any more details because he hasn't provided them. But from what he has posted, that sounds to me like a serious attempt at taking one's own life, not an attention getting ploy.

 

 

And a cheater should not feel regret but remorse, which I think is totally impossible.

 

Regret and remorse are synonyms, look it up. Here, I will help you:

 

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/remorse

 

 

 

 

But you said he needs to get over it and just stay with her.

 

No I didn't. In fact, I said just the opposite - I don't think he can forgive her and it would be a terrible marriage under those conditions.

 

 

 

 

He said that she told him she did it because of what happened. Clearly to receive attention.

 

According to Chained, she damaged her liver. That hardly sounds like an attention getting ploy to me.

 

 

 

But you're right. She's a psycho cheater.

 

Chained - do you want this to be you? Seething with anger and resentment for the rest of your life even after you have divorced and supposedly found someone else who makes you happy?

Edited December 30, 2010 by Penney

[Penney]

And he didn't hurt her. You're making it out as if he slapped the woman. All he did was shake her. She deserved it anyway after everything she's done so far.

 

Physically abusive men always say the woman deserved it.

 

Chained - do you want this to be you?

Edited December 30, 2010 by Penney

[Penney]

My wife has tried to contact me and numerous times during the last two months but I refused to speak to her. My mom would speak to her on occassion about me, but never gave her where I was located. Two and a half months ago she even came to my mother's house to see if I was there or not (and I was but I didn't show myself). She kept questioning my mother about me and where I was at but she stood ground and told her to leave the premises. I could tell she was pissed that my mom didn't give in to her when she slammed the door to her Benz. She never came back after that day.

 

Distant78 - Is this another example of dishing out pain? She was chasing after him for goodness sake.

 

 

 

In reference to my wife's attitude, I honestly don't know. I was trying to read her face and I couldn't grab anything from it. She rarely moved in her seat and never looked at me not once. Her face was so plain. Like a statue. Spiritgirl maybe she was afraid and ashamed to see me. It was obvious from how she walked out the room that she didn't want to be near me.

 

Chained - I would be interested in how you read your wife's demeanor in the attorney's office in hindsight.

[Penney]

More quotes from Chained:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t245428/

 

Just to put the counseling thing to rest: it has not helped but actually made me more resentful of my wife. When we had those sessions I felt as if she (the counselor) was trying to blame me for my wife's affair. I admit that I was working a lot but I feel she didn't have to sleep with another guy. Before I discovered her affair believe me, I wanted to spend more time with her but my boss wouldn't lower my hours at the time so I just decided to keep my mouth shut and stay on the grind. She used to work just as much as me before I found out about her affair and I didn't cheat on her, even though I didn't see her a lot either. Since I was trying to deal with my marriage along with my workload it really started affecting my performance at work, so my boss then decided to lower my hours and how many days I come in so that I could "get my head screwed back on." But my head still isn't really screwed on, more like falling off and its been like that for the past three years. If she really had a problem why didn't she just come to me?

 

Chained - try to find a new marital counselor if you are going to stay in the marriage. Start fresh.

 

 

Today I overheard her conversation with her mother. She was telling her how much she loves me and how she really feels sorry for what she put me through, but I don't feel the same for her...

 

Distant78 - how is that more pain she is dishing out to him?

[gisellefromhell]

Hi, Chained. I hope you are doing well. I agree with the poster above saying that you shouldn't make any decisions right now. A lot of the members here are telling you to run away from this, but I know you can't at the moment because you're a good person. I trust your choice to not divorce your wife at this moment. And I also know that you are aware of the challenges that you may come across when the dust has settled with this suicide attempt. I admire your ability to love this much.

 

Yes, this is a big risk, and she has shown so many signs of not being good for you. But if I were in your shoes, I would do the same as you. I couldn't let the person I still love (even though I was treated badly) die if I had the option to do something. Most of us have been in love with people we shouldn't be in love with before.

[Distant78]

And my point is that unless he forgives her, he runs a high risk of carrying this baggage into the next relationship and ruining that relationship.

 

He doesn't have to forgive her to move on. She doesn't deserve anything.

 

I never said get over it - you did - and I am not sure exactly what you mean by it. I said forgive and explained what I meant by it. I think the problem is that you aren't reading my explanations and have a different definition of what to forgive means.

 

No, you said get over it. I'm reading them clearly. It's obvious you care only about her feelings over his. She's not a victim in this.

 

I brought up the marital counseling because Chained says he is stopping the divorce and staying in the marriage for now. He is staying in the marriage with someone who just tried to kill themselves. I recommended BOTH individual and marital counseling. I didn't tell him to stay in the marriage. That was a choice he made before I ever posted a word on this thread.

 

Okay, but you still said he should stay with her, then you said if he stays all he'd do is "punish" her. Which one is it.

 

And the part about taking all the pain she dishes out to him - I never said anything like that. As I understand his story, she cheated before the marriage and then during the marriage but it ended 3 years ago and she hasn't cheated since. So what pain is she dishing out to him now?

 

The fact that she put herself in the hospital because of what she did says it all. It doesn't matter if she hasn't cheated since. She still cheated and lied to him up on that altar. Do you like being lied to, I highly doubt it, so why should he. Their marriage was a lie from the beginning.

 

 

Where is chained telling us she is continuing to dish out pain to him? The closest I have read about something like that is when she wouldn't look at him in the divorce meeting. I hope in hindsight Chained realizes it wasn't all about him as he erroneously thought it was - she was racked with guilt and despondent over how her actions destroyed her marriage. So much so, she tried to kill herself afteward.

 

You're right. It wasn't all about him. It never was to begin with. It was about her own selfish needs.

 

Chained needs to own his role in that. He was so consumed with anger and resentment towards her that was all he could think of as he glared at her the entire time. These are not my words, they are his

 

Now you're saying it's his fault. Never was to begin with. It was all HER fault. So what if he was consumed with anger. He has a right to be. He had a right to be 3 years ago, and now.

 

Again, we mean different things when we say forgive because true forgiveness DOES mean letting go of the anger. If the betrayed spouse cannot let go of the anger and this continues to damage the marriage once the infidelity has ceased and the wayward spouse has expressed regret, that is not about the WS anymore, that is about the BS and only the BS can change it. At that point, the WS can do nothing more to repair the marriage and divorce is indeed the best option.

 

^^^^^

Uhh, nope.

 

No I didn't. Point to something I said that could be construed that cheating isn't a big deal.

 

All of your responses point to it.

 

I am not privy to her medical charts and can only go by what Chained writes here. It sounds like she took enough medication to seriously damage her liver. I don't know any more details because he hasn't provided them. But from what he has posted, that sounds to me like a serious attempt at taking one's own life, not an attention getting ploy.

 

It was for attention. For her husband's attention.

 

Regret and remorse are synonyms, look it up. Here, I will help you:

 

No, you look it up. They're synonyms yes, but still different definitions. How about you brush up on infidelity and how it relates to regret and remorse.

 

No I didn't. In fact, I said just the opposite - I don't think he can forgive her and it would be a terrible marriage under those conditions.

 

Then why suggest marriage counseling if you think him being angry is all his fault. Why blame him.

 

According to Chained, she damaged her liver. That hardly sounds like an attention getting ploy to me.

 

Yea she damaged the marriage before the rings were on both of their fingers too, and then continued to shyt on it.

 

Chained - do you want this to be you? Seething with anger and resentment for the rest of your life even after you have divorced and supposedly found someone else who makes you happy?

 

Chained- do you want to spend your life with a cheater who will do nothing to change, who cheated on you BEFORE you even STEPPED to the ALTAR? Someone who stuffed pills down her throat because she couldn't handle you leaving her worthless self? Or do you want to go out and find a really special person who will know how to keep her legs closed and think reasonably before acting.

[Penney]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=245428&page=2

 

This evening I calmly sat down on the couch with my wife and told her bluntly that i'm holding a very deep resentment for her affair that happened three years ago, and that I felt that I never got the chance to tell her how angry I am. I told her that I feel we should probably divorce also. Almost immediately her eyes started welling up and I told her loudly to focus and listen to me. She jumped in her seat and said okay while she had her shirt in her face. I told her to look at me as I speak. She did. I said to her that her betrayal has left a scar in my heart that I will never be able to get rid of and that I was pissed that I had to find out on my birthday. She just nodded her head and said baby I know. I interrupted her and said i'm not finished. I reminded her of what she said on our first date about how she likes a man who works his butt off. Then I said how the earliness of her affair in our marriage made me angry and for her to say how she wanted me to work because it made me attractive, to cheating because I worked too much made her seem like a hypocritical selfish bitch. She fired back by saying she felt unwanted because I was never there. I got angrier and said so its okay to **** someone else because our marriage is going through a phase and i'm trying to work my ass off for you?

 

I said you were working also and had almost the same amount of hours as me so in that sense how about I find me a broad that looks hotter than you to give me orgasms like that jerk said when his punkass texted you on your cell phone. I started asking her all the questions I asked three years ago, on my birthday. I then kept asking her are you witholding any more information that I need to know? She just kept staring at the floor with her red eyes then I asked her again and she started crying even more. She wiped her eyes, looked at me and said promise me you won't hurt me. I told her I promised, she knows I will never do that to her so hurry up and tell me what else. She tried to regain her composure took a deep breath and said she knew him before we started dating (an old flame) and that she had sex with him the night before our wedding. I couldn't believe what she said to me. My heart felt like it skipped a beat. I asked her you've had sex with him more than three months didn't you. She started shaking her head no. I then grabbed her roughly by both of her arms and started shaking her hard, yelling at her to tell me what I need to know. She started screaming that repeatedly that was the truth. I didn't believe her. I let her go, packed a bag and left to go over my mother's house which is where i'm currently am. You guys were right, she's nothing but a lying cheating bitch. I wasted six years with this tramp and i'm pushing thirty-five. Screw this, I think I will actually divorce her. She's probably still cheating on me with the same punk or a new guy. I'm a fool.

 

 

Just putting this out there for those reading this thread to form their own opinions.

 

Chained demanded all the details 3 years after the affair ended and he got them. Then got physically abusive with her after he promised her he wouldn't hurt her. Then he moved out and wouldn't talk to her or even let her know where he was and she kept trying to find him.

 

Then he filed for divorce, the divorce was moving to be finalized, they had the meeting in the attorney's office where she wouldn't look at him, he misconstrued that as her being a bitch when in fact she was distraught to the point of taking her own life and then she tried to kill herself.

 

She has problems, he has problems, and if they are going to stay married, they both need individual counseling and marital counseling. There are serious issues here that are only made worse by comments like "psycho cheater" by those of you who can't get past your own anger and resentment for what others have done to you.

Edited December 30, 2010 by Penney

[Distant78]

Chained demanded all the details 3 years after the affair ended and he got them. Then got physically abusive with her after he promised her he wouldn't hurt her. Then he moved out and wouldn't talk to her or even let her know where he was and she kept trying to find him.

 

:lmao: Physically abusive? He didn't get physically abusive. So what if he moved out, he didn't owe her an explanation.

 

Then he filed for divorce, the divorce was moving to be finalized, they had the meeting in the attorney's office where she wouldn't look at him, he misconstrued that as her being a bich and then she tried to kill herself.

 

She is a *****. And why did she do it?

 

She has problems, he has problems, and if they are going to stay married, they both need individual counseling and marital counseling. There are serious issues here.

 

No SHE has the problems. They need a divorce to end it all.

[Penney]

He doesn't have to forgive her to move on.

 

He does if he wants to have a healthy, happy relationship in the future with her or anyone else.

 

You my dear, do not sound like a healthy or happy person despite your protestations to the contrary.

 

 

Okay, but you still said he should stay with her, then you said if he stays all he'd do is "punish" her. Which one is it.

 

I said I agreed with stopping the divorce right now when she is still recovering from a suicide attempt. Last chained posted, she was still in the hospital. Nowadays, they don't keep people in the hospital for no reason. If anything, they discharge patients too soon.

 

I also said that if he can't forgive her and stays with her, he will continue to punish her for the rest of her life.

 

Chained has demonstrated nothing on either of these threads that indicate to me he can forgive her. I feel bad for both of them. They are both hurting. All I have read from Chained indicates that she regrets what she has done and tried to make amends.

 

 

No, you look it up. They're synonyms yes, but still different definitions.

 

Obviously you don't understand what the word synonym means.

 

 

Chained- do you want to spend your life with a cheater who will do nothing to change, who cheated on you BEFORE you even STEPPED to the ALTAR? Someone who stuffed pills down her throat because she couldn't handle you leaving her worthless self? Or do you want to go out and find a really special person who will know how to keep her legs closed and think reasonably before acting.

 

 

Chained - do you want this to be you?